Atalwin Pilon has some advice for every man—and every person, for that matter.
I came across some funny Internet content that was about ‘being manly’. Since I don’t believe in coincidence I take this as an omen and assume the Universe is inviting me to write about masculinity. And of course I feel the need to balance the funny stuff and approach the topic dead seriously. But before I start doing that, let me give you the links that triggered this post. First one is “What manly dudes talk about” from www.tothechest.com, second is “How to be a man?”from Tales of Mere Existence, an excellent channel on YouTube, in my opinion.
I do feel that it’s an interesting and challenging topic. The bottom line is very simple. To be a man we have to be a mature version of a person with a Y chromosome. And everything we don’t develop doesn’t mature. Our physical development takes care of itself more or less. We just need to keep eating, sleeping, drinking and breathing (although it helps tremendous if we do that properly). But if we don’t take care of our psychological, intellectual, emotional and spiritual development these aspects remain underdeveloped and therefore immature. You can do the quick scan right now: if you are a man and haven’t been taking care of one or more of these terrains you can be sure that the corresponding side of you is immature.
Anyway, let’s get started. I typed this list in my phone while waiting for my order of Thai food. I did it off the cough, There is no particular order nor am I having pretenses about it being complete. On second thought and more honest: I think it’s pretty complete but I was just acting humble. This is a list of features I honestly feel a mature man must own, be or do:
1. Be fearless
Being fearless does not mean being without fear, being fearless means admitting your fears and going beyond them. A real man is not in denial of his fears, holding up a mask of invulnerability but is willing to face his fears and work on them. He has the courage to do things that frighten him when the situation calls for it. A real man knows that the path towards fearlessness is endless.
2. Be resilient
A man should be flexible and reliable at the same time. If necessary he can start all over again at any given moment. Whatever happens; his house was burnt down, his crop failed, he lost his job, his wife had a miscarriage: even if he has mourning to do he starts all over again. A real man accepts his fate but doesn’t become a victim of it.
3. Live, speak and listen from the heart
A real man doesn’t hide his feelings and intentions. He is not afraid to be gentle nor afraid to be sad. He is in touch with his emotions and is able to express them. He has the courage to live his dream and the space to listen compassionately.
4. Own your anger
A real man owns his anger. His anger has transformed into masculine compassion. He can be angry, strong, decisive and courageous. His anger serves his presence and the presence of others. It is not a humiliating or destructive type of anger. The latter happens when a man is a slave of his anger, that’s the anger of the coward trying to overcompensate his feelings of inferiority. This is just as sad as a man completely disconnected from his anger. He becomes emasculated and has no power at all. Other men don’t take him seriously. Women can smell immature anger and emasculatedness from a mile away and don’t find it sexy. Mature anger, on the other hand, is a big turn on.
5. Make meaning
Try not to become a man of success, try to become a man of value. Einstein said that. I think that’s true and important. If you fill your days with doing something that pays the bills but is essentially meaningless you are wasting your precious life. Yes, even if it pays the bills so handsomely that you can spend 2 months per year on adventurous holidays and eat in fancy restaurants, you are still wasting your life. A real man has the balls to travel outside his comfort zone to make a sincere attempt to contribute to mankind. He works for the greater good instead of for the sake of protection of his self image and clinging to the illusion of safety.
6. Own your edge
This life is a journey and we all are somewhere on our path. A real man is honest about where he is at in his development. He doesn’t pretend to be wiser or more evolved than he actually is nor does he shrink so that others won’t feel insecure around him. He knows his strengths and his weaknesses and not ashamed of either. That there is always work to do is a given to him. He knows where he has his work to do and is willing to listen and learn from those who have done that work.
7. Be vulnerable
A coward is always trying to hide his weak spots, a real man works on them. He is willing and able to reveal himself even in the midst of pain. He is vulnerable because he wants to be vulnerable. By opening up in every moment he is continuously practicing his courage. It’s his way of defeating his own cowardice.
8. Make love passionately
A real man does not hold back. When he makes love he opens up to all his rawness and all his tenderness and he gives his woman everything he has got. He does not shy away from intimacy. He can penetrate his woman so hard and deeply that she can feel that he is entering her soul. He aims for her heart. He makes her feel like a princess and a porn star simultaneously.
9. Practice a martial art
When push comes to shove every man should be able to defend his wife, children and honor. Just like we teach our children to swim to prevent them from drowning a man should know at least enough basic fighting skills so he can throw a punch in case of an emergency. A real man has spent enough time in a ring or dojo to ensure a deescalating presence. He does not panic, is not easily provoked and has some strength and skills.
10. Have a sense of humor (don’t take yourself so fucking seriously)
A real man can hold both the utter importance and the utter unimportance of life at the same time. He can see his own failures and flaws and joke about that. Since he knows his self image is just an image he feels no need to defend that image. He can uplift a tense situation with a joke but he isn’t the immature joker that abuses humor as a tool for escaping intimacy or sabotaging intensity. A real man has the capacity to light up the room. A real man embraces life.
11. Develop body, mind and spirit
A real man is devoted to the development of body, mind and spirit. Not to stay ahead of other men, not out of fear of being defeated, but because he has more to offer when he is healthy and present. Taking care of his body makes him fit and strong, taking care of his mind makes him clever and sharp, taking care of his spirit makes him wise, warm and compassionate. A real man knows that his body and mind are mortal but that the love he spreads during his life remains.
12. Be real
In the end a real man knows that he is just a guy. He does all these things because that’s what he is: a man. He likes hanging out with other men, he might drink beer during football, he loves his woman and he works wholeheartedly. Basically, he is just trying to do his best to make the most of life and is having some fun while doing that. His sweat is honest, his heart is open and his back is straight.
Any questions?
Originally appeared at BasicGoodness.com.
—Photo JD Hancock/Flickr
About Atalwin Pilon
Wow. Liked the part about penetrating aiming for the heart. Great image
Sorry, but I thought it was a violent image. Penetrate is a violent description of sexual intercourse.
No, it isn’t.
Thing is, virtually all those things could just as well be a “Not Definitive Guide to Really Being a Human”
“When push comes to shove every man should be able to defend his wife, children and honor.”
Whereas real women should depend on men to do the fighting? Defending society isn’t uniquely a male responsibility.
That said, theres some great ideas in there, I just wish they weren’t only aimed at men.
Agreed Peter, but I feel given that the piece was written for GMP, it’s great that he’s focusing on men. I think all humans must examine their “edges” their maturity and constantly challenge themselves to grow. But yes, this piece could most certainly be focused on all of humanity.
Dear Julie and Peter,
When I wrote it I had men in mind but the piece wasn’t written for GMP. This is the original http://basicgoodness.com/2011/12-things-every-man-should-master-to-become-a-real-man/. How the topic came to me was exactly as I describe it. Only later I saw that what I wrote goes for women too.
What I try to do when I write is to be true to what comes up. I just blurt it out and don’t edit. I make no effort to look for the flaws or edit the rough edges. I just try to be as honest as I can and test my courage by publishing without editing what comes from the heart. I think it is cool that what I wrote applies to both sexes but it happened unintentionally.
What a great article. Thanks so much. Thoroughly enjoyed it and totally loved the list you created.
Believe the same goes for a woman.
“He can penetrate his woman so hard and deeply that she can feel that he is entering her soul. He aims for her heart. He makes her feel like a princess and a porn star simultaneously.”
I liked the article until this passage. Penetrate is such a violent, dominant word. Also, I don’t want to feel like a princess or a porn star. I want to feel like a goddess and a superstar. Princess and porn star connote subordination, but goddess and superstar connote equality and excellence.
How would you feel if I said, “She can engulf her man so hard and deeply that he can feel that she is entering his soul?”
Sorry, but you made sexual intercourse feel like an act of male dominance and you ignored the clitoris and the man’s responsibility for birth control.
I was offended when you didn’t say that the traits of a good man are also the traits of a good woman.
“Not to stay ahead of other men, not out of fear of being defeated . . .”
Wait a minute. Why didn’t you say, “Not to stay ahead of other men and women?”
This article started out well but ended up supporting the same ole same ole.
I definitely disagree with #9. My ex-husband’s father had extraordinarily severe rheumatoid arthritis and was wheelchair-bound. I never met him because he died when my ex-husband was 10-years-old. My ex once asked him what it was like. The answer was that he was in extreme pain pretty much all the time for years and years without a break. Needless to say, he was completely unable to throw a punch, let alone spend any time in a ring or a dojo (other than sitting in his wheelchair waiting for someone else). Yet from what all of his family told me about him, he was more mature than most adults. I don’t think that being dealt a crappy hand in the physical realm makes a person less of a person.
One is fascinated and frustrated by how women interpret writing for and by men. Women inevitably understand it through their experiences as women, and being women will never truly understand what men are communicating with each other. It is a misunderstanding of the Masculine Logos here, not the intent or content of the words.
“Penetrate” does not, unto itself, denote violence. Penetration is, in fact, a normal part of coitus for most people, and certainly for all mamallian reproduction. If a reader sees “penetrate” as indicative of a violent act, the reader is investing her/his own (dare I say?) prejudices and bias to what is in fact a neutral word.
I should probably point out that I’m a middle-aged gay man, and my view towards much of the article, and advice, will be tempered by own experiences.
When I read the words “aim for her heart” my own heart jumped with pleasure. Enjoying, as I do, the pleasure of penetration from both perspectives, I knew immediately what the words meant. They are not violent; they instead draw the distinction between Love Making and mere fucking. To make love is to aim for the heart, and to allow one’s own heart to be reached and touched, even possessed during what is (for me anyway) a profoundly spiritual experience.
I am also a Dad and understand the psycho-bilogical imperative of protecting one’s family. And I think it is primal, a deep-rooted need men have to protect those they love. Suggesting that men being prepared to do this hardly negates the need or ability for women to do the same.
Ladies, we’re talking about guys, here. Some of your comments have been about as even-handed and fair as the early criticisms written by men of feminist writings. (And, yes, I’m just old enough to remember them.) While you will inevitably understand men’s words through your female filter, you must also make the effort to understand that men often speak a different language.
Exactly, David. Seriously.
Thank you, David. I feel heard.
Amen. Words to live by.
Should I interpret not taking a martial art as not ‘really’ being a man?
It’s hard to read a list ‘how to really be a man’ that is ‘pretty complete’ with that as an entry and not read that implication.
I must say there’s quite a lot of ‘real men don’t eat quiche’ bs on this forum.
1. A real man has no rules. No rules from the Bible, no rules from this article, no rules from his mom, but most importantly : no rules from himself !
2. A real man has a no-bullshit attitude. Notice it’s a corollary of n°1 since the definition of bullshit basically is “rules, mindsets, preconceptions, fallacies and assumptions conveyed through someone’s speech, behavior or acts”. Of course, a real man is able to identify bullshit to dismiss it.
3. A real man feels but contempt for liars and for those who entrust their lives to the liars dictating rules. But what is this “contempt” ? It is, in fact, hope. It is hope that the liars heal and that the listeners wake up. It is heartfelt pain at the sight of wasted potential, missed vocations, enslaved giants.
4. But what does a real man do in the absence of rules ? A real man goes with the flow. The flow is imperious. But it is not a rule, because one might very well find it whispering to you to “go against the flow”. A real man, unless he is insane, doesn’t need to be told he “shan’t kill”… He goes with the flow.
5. A real man is superior. All real men are superior. I can already hear it : “How is that possible, there has to be a man on top then !” But since when, all men being superior, does it follow that there has to be a man on top ? There is no fucking rule that allows one to say that ! If you don’t understand, just fucking let yourself go with the flow.
6. A real man doesn’t give a fuck about women. A real man doesn’t even give a fuck about men, or himself, either. I really shouldn’t have to say this as it should be obvious by now : a real man goes with the fucking flow, and it may well imply women, other men, trannies or his hand for all I care… From experience I can tell -and I dare to suppose most will agree with me on that- that sometimes the flows of two people kind of join or merge or coincide, whatever I don’t know how to say it better, anyway, it’s cool.
7. In fact, like n°6, any additional entry would be stating the obvious. Let’s add one anyway : a real man creates. Self-help books for people in business like entrepreneurs and the likes are full of bullshit, but sometimes you find a gem in them, such as this one : “If what you’re doing is working, then stop.” In other words, go with the fucking flow. Its outcome is what I call “creation”. It can be a work of art, a new school in Rwanda or a smile on a woman’s face. And spare me all the “value-added” bullshit, because “value” means “measure” means “rule”… If you’ve gone with the flow, great, if you’ve let someone define “value” for you, then wake up already !
Lots of good stuff (aka “gems”) in the article. Lots of bullshit too. To stay within the topic of gender and sexuality and stuff usually addressed by GMP, I guess you could just keep n°6 and maybe 7. In case you need a practical example of a “real” human being, here’s one : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4q3a-nd2pQ
oops, almost forgot that one : 8. Real women are real men in disguise.