Some moments are special. Some moments are lessons. Some are a combination of the two.
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The Neighborhood Neuroscientist says…
This article is about a moment in our life, The Sweet Girl and I. This is not a request for parenting advice or accolades. It is just a story about how complex parenting can be, as well as how sweet and simple moments can be if we pay attention and communicate with our children.
When I picked her up on Friday afternoon, I surprised her that we were going to see a movie together. I had just finished an arduous semester, teaching 6 classes. Grades were in, and except for finishing off a couple of projects, I was relatively “free” until summer camps/school started.
Believe it or not, this was to be our first movie together in a theater. I am usually the park guy (big surprise…). My wife and mother-in-law do more of the birthday parties and the three theater movies she has been to.
So, I was pretty psyched. When I told her we were going to see a movie, she immediately broke into a huge smile and told everyone in the room. “My daddy is taking ME to a MOVIE!” She almost forgot her jacket and backpack. I was so happy. We skipped out of the school together, then jumped like frogs on the bricks (I swear they were actually yellow, and road-like).
Ribbit. Ribbit. Into the car.
I was feeling pretty damn good in my Daddyness. Then, about 30 minutes later, it happened.
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We arrived at the theater to see Home (second time for her), and got our popcorn (a must for me), and her “fruit snacks” (which are not fruit). We settled in to watch the movie, her excitement palpable. I was feeling pretty damn good in my Daddyness.
“Go ‘head witchyo Dad self!”
We laughed together at those silly Boov. She ate some of my popcorn, I ate some of her fruit snack. We snuggled, and smiled at each other.
Then, about 30 minutes later, it happened. Pause for drama. Cue horror music.
I looked over and her left shoe and sock were on the floor. When I picked up the sock, it was wet. “That’s strange”, I thought. “Did she spill her dri – oh no, that’s PEEEEE!”
Cue slow motion movie mishap voice…”Nooooooooo!”
The kid was soaked, from pant to foot, sitting there as happy as a clam. If you are wondering, yes our daughter is potty trained, but like her father she is both easily distracted and obstinate. Unlike her father, she also does not really mind sitting in pee-pee pants.
Always being well prepared, I took her to the bathroom to change her. However, I was not well prepared enough to have a plastic bag to put her clothes in. Sorry, homeskillet. I ain’t sitting for 1.5 hours with pee pee clothes next to me.
When I broke the news to her that we would have to leave – fireworks. Full on temper tantrum with crying, screaming, kicking. Much to my surprise (that’s sarcasm), my promise that we would go back the next day was not met with an immediate cessation of said tantrum.
After informing the staff of our situation, and the wet seat in the theater, I carried her out of the theater, feeling disappointed and frustrated. They were nice enough to hand us two vouchers on the way out. I thanked them profusely. At least, I think I did. I couldn’t hear the sound of my own voice. There may be theater staff still wondering “why was that dude lip-synching?”
My wife and I have been trying “patience” with her penchant for simply deciding to pee in her pants. For those that don’t know what patience is, it is a weird thing parents mostly pretend to actually have by speaking in soft tones and neutralizing facial expressions. Pee-gate (yup, we are calling it that) had now ruined a moment I had been waiting for. No, I did not tell her this, but I think we all know that kids can sense a lot without being told.
As soon as I got her in the car, she broke down crying. She quieted down as we got closer to home, but as we pulled up to the house I asked her if she was ok. She began just flat out sobbing. I asked her “Are you having big feelings because we couldn’t see the movie, or because you think Daddy is upset?”
“I don’t KNOW!”
This merely confirmed what I had known all along. It was not seeing the movie, or sensing I was upset, or both, or either, or her being upset with herself. Or, it was all of those, in some combination, or maybe just one of them…see, I knew exactly what she was thinking maybe.
Psst…I try not to project my certain conclusions onto a 3-year-old about the exact source of her feelings. What mattered was that she was upset, deeply.
This is what came out of my mouth next: “Do you want to go to Sweet Frog and get some ice cream?” It is actually frozen yogurt, but if you tell her I will destroy you. Was I, in effect, rewarding her with ice cream for peeing on herself?
No…well, possibly. But here’s the thing, folks:
Parenting should not be some quest to create the most efficient kid product in a race to the finish. We seem to spend more time judging and critiquing each other’s parenting corporations and parenting products than we do trying to understand our children.
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My daughter is not a Skinner Box, being studied as some simple input-output processor. She is a human, and so am I. That comes with layers. I wanted to salvage our Daddy-Daughter time, and let her know that was important to me, too. That outweighed being “consistent” about potty training. That meant, in this moment, choosing not to obsess over some assumed permanent and disastrous stimulus confusion.
We had a great time at Sweet Frog! She had Mango Tango, with sprinkles. I had Sour Lime, with strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries. I was glad we were there for another reason, too. It had just rained and we had some towels in our car to wipe off the table next to us so that another family, with 3 kids including a newborn, could sit down. We talked, and ate our “ice cream”, while she noticed patterns in the decorations.
The next day, we went back to the movies. We went to see Cinderella and even had MOMMY! with us! And, do you know what’s cool? She only peed in her pants a little.
I’m glad we went to get ice cream. I’m glad we got to see Cinderella with MOMMY! the next day. I’m glad that she will probably not pee in her pants in college, unless she gets way too drunk…
Though it often is in modern society, parenting should not be some quest to create the most efficient kid product in a race to the finish. We seem to spend more time judging and critiquing each other’s parenting corporations and parenting products than we do trying to understand our children.
Truly “organic” parenting, whether we like it or not, is a series of moments in which we do the best we can. Some moments are special. Some moments are lessons. Some are a combination of the two. These are children, and they are messy. This is life, and it is messy. Sometimes it is even full of pee-pee and poop.
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Originally published at Move Theory. Reprinted with permission.
Photo: Dr. Kwame Brown