No matter how uncomfortable break ups are, it’s a terrible idea to break up by text. Here’s why…
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“I was recently broken up with via text!
My heart is far from shattered, but I am livid. I should have known better!
How can someone go from “I miss you, can’t wait to see you” to “I met someone and I was going to tell you when I saw you” in the same breath?”
That message was posted to my private Facebook group for single women over 40 earlier this week. Within a few hours, there were over 90 comments to help her through this challenging time.
Many women expressed disgust at this man’s audacity to have broken up with her by text. And some shared similar experiences about their breakups. Here’s what they said…
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Had the same thing happen to me in January after we had spent three months together. He’d taken me on holidays to meet his family, and we spent a week with his daughter. The day before, he still told me he loved me and then boom, a text message. Was livid like you. He sent my stuff back to me. Not even a note, nothing. As hard as it is, move on. You definitely deserve better.
A neighbor of mine was dating a guy for about a month, and one day he invited her to join him for coffee at her favorite beach hangout, where he proceeded to break up with her. I thought it was very honorable that he didn’t end the relationship via text or a phone call, but she was upset because she was expecting a “date” and instead, got a break up. I don’t think there is any good way to end a relationship if the other person doesn’t want it ended – it’s a lose-lose situation.
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A true man will at least look you in the eye and be honest; an immature coward will either text you or ghost you. Be careful, as he may already be with someone else and didn’t want you to know!
This is only one step above ghosting, which seems to be running rampant. And what’s with the “mood swings” when a guy gushes over you one minute, breaks up (or ghosts) the next? This happened to me, too. These men must be emotionally unstable or confused about what they want and how they feel.
Same thing happened to me. I dated a guy for about a month of seeing each other several times a week, and then he asked me to meet his college-aged daughter. I went to all this trouble of making a huge dinner at his place for us and even bought him much needed kitchen supplies. Upon meeting her she was cold and uninterested. The very next day he dumps me by text, saying he isn’t ready for a relationship. He blocked me, and I was so depressed and hurt over the whole thing. It was awful.
I went out with somebody for a year and a half. He lived with me on weekends. One day I came home and he told me my stuff from his place was in my closet, and his stuff was in his car. On the coffee table were my keys and garage door opener. He basically said “I can’t do this anymore” and left. I think I would have rather had a text….
The conclusion?
When you’re on the receiving end, being broken up with by text feels awful.
Hearing, “I love you” the day before, and then learning that he’s been seeing someone else?
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It’s confusing, too, especially when the relationship seemed to be just fine. Hearing, “I love you” the day before, and then learning that he’s been seeing someone else? No warning signs. Then, BOOM! The breakup text! Ouch.
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Which leaves me with two questions:
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Is this a gender issue? Do men break up by text more than women?
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When did it become okay to break up by text?
Do men break up by text more than women? I don’t think this is a gender issue. People break up by text. And it sucks.
The bigger question is, why, why, why send a text to break up with someone you once cared for, maybe even loved?
Two possible reasons…
#1. It’s easier and less confrontational to text.
Generally speaking, people dislike confrontation of any sort. Perhaps he’d been dating her for a few weeks or months, and he’s afraid of the drama that might ensue in an in-person break up. Hence the breakup text. Easy peasy. No one gets hurt. Except someone does get hurt. Hmmm. Might have to rethink that one.
#2. Texting is how we communicate in the 21st century.
This is more of an excuse than a justification. Yes, most people today text for every type of communication, from directions to flirting to discussing deep issues. I believe texting should be relegated to facts, directions, and a quick check-in with someone, as in, “What’s up?”
When you’re in a relationship, it’s fun to send a flirty or sexy text. But, please don’t hide behind texting when you should be speaking to someone face-to-face. Texting is NOT for any conversation that deals with emotions or depth. Too much is lost in translation.
Let’s reignite the art of face-to-face conversation, shall we? Especially if you’re breaking up with someone. Have the guts to turn your phone off and say the hard stuff in person.
Think about your soon-to-be ex’s feelings. You once cared deeply for this person.
Show them that you valued them enough by speaking to them with kindness and grace, even if it’s awkward for you.
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So, be courteous. Be courageous. Have some dignity. Show them that you valued them enough by speaking to them with kindness and grace, even if it’s awkward for you. Especially if it’s awkward for you.
A bad breakup can have a lasting effect on someone’s self-worth. A compassionate breakup is better for the one who’s breaking up AND the one you’re breaking up with.
A few years ago, I broke up with someone I’d been dating for several months. After trying many times to resolve our issues, I realized it was time to move on. We met for coffee, and I told him, “I really wanted this to work, and I’m sorry it’s not working anymore. I care about you and wish you only the best.” We kissed and parted ways.
Later that day, he texted me, “That was the sweetest breakup ever! I’ll always love you.” That’s a post-break up text that warmed my heart.
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Did you ever break up by text? Been broken up with by text? Please share your thoughts below.
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Photo: Flickr/Joi Ito
Well I have one even worse for you. My best friend, a woman, ended our friendship of years by text and blocked me on everything at the same time. Then her live in son started sending me threatening texts that if I didn’t return her house key and car cell charger he would call the police. Like they care lol. This is the third time women friends have been passive aggressive like this. All 3 gastric bypass. Which I’ve now read equals tons of baggage. In their cases baggage not dealt with in therapy. Women are no better.
I have been dating someone for over a year… we have had issues, bad communication etc.. this is someone I care for but have seen a lot I really don’t like but haven’t acted on the feelings of this isn’t the person for me… I stood up for myself for his poor treatment of me over the last few days and this is what I get yesterday… mind you, this is someone who was talking marriage, moving in together etc.. this is from a 42 year old “man” : I think it’s time to admit we aren’t right for each… Read more »
Dated a guy for 2 years. He broke up with me via text after I ask for a day think about the relationship because he didn’t marriage. I tried calling him never answered until 48 hr. He texted saying he would be sending my things. 3 weeks ago I received my belongings by ups and few things were missing like my pictures. I called him and he will only text me
I have ask to talk but he will only respond by texting. I don’t even recognize him.
Girlfriend of over 6 months broke up with me through a text and she didn’t see an issue with it. Been two months but still kind of upsets me with how it was done. Feel like she denied me some form of closure I would have gotten face to face or through.a phone call.
Me and my ex dated for almost 4 months. It was very good at the beginning, but he started ignoring me. He has ADHD which is not an excuse to act the way he did. About 3 weeks ago, he stopped talking to me, no text, no call. I text him asking him if he was okay and why has he been ignoring me. He text back saying no he wasn’t okay and that I can find someone better then him and he can’t give me the attention and things I deserve and that he’s sorry and not to hate… Read more »
It’s been almost six months, on the 14th, and everything was going just fine. At least, everything seemed just fine until two nights ago. He seemed distant and didn’t put much contribution into the conversation. I noticed something was wrong but I had just been to a concert so I didn’t say anything. Next morning I received a text saying only four words “I wanna break up” there was no explanation. From one moment I felt as if I was living in a fairytale, the next moment I was crashing. Yesterday after he sent the text he left for camp.… Read more »
UPDATE: I found out from a friend, he said he felt nothing:/ who knows how long this was happening.
My boyfriend of seven years broke up with me by text. As I was in the process of getting ready for work as I turn on my phone I get a message that states: “Don’t make an announcement on Facebook, if anyone asks what happened just say it didn’t work out. BTW, I’m writing to breakup. This isn’t about religion (The breakup before was about defying God and living in sin). I’m a messed up, restless person. It’s not you, it’s me, you’re wonderful, you’ll accomplish great things. I don’t know what I want in life. I love you, we… Read more »
My boyfriend hired me ,put me on payroll, talked about buying me a dresser and then snapped one day and told me to “fuck-off”. I walked out and later that night he text me he wasn’t ready for a relationship due to family issues. None which he meted really and then say “well I’ve got to wake up early, goosnight”. Wow
Sorry small keyboard!
Just yesterday my ex boyfriend call me every name in the book except child of God then broke up with me by text before that he broke in to my home..
Sounds Similar 4 months ago. Called me Bitc—, Dumb, Stupid, Imbecile, Moron Ass, Threatened to Steal My Car, sent me Pics of another mans private parts etc. He mocked and laughed at me for helping him and called me yhe Stupidest Bitch I’ve Ever Known in My Entire Life. All through a Text. Then Blocked me and was mad at me. Its awful and I still am not over the Bitterness and Hurt. Known him for 40 years old. He recently unblocked me and I asked why and he blocked me again. Cruelty by Text. He doesnt even see the… Read more »
Sounds like your better off. He sounds craz
I was in a relationship for three months with a guy, he told me he loved me one evening. I told him back that I loved him. It was the first time in 9 years I had said it to anybody else. Five days later I get a text to say it was over, that he couldnt give 100% like I was. Being broken up with is bad enough but by text is so much worse because you feel so hurt, so embarrassed, upset, angry, disrespected etc. What hurt was that it seemed it did not care, no follow up… Read more »
Totally rude and selfish
The person I was seeing for almost a year broke up with me over text… Only the week before I had messages from him saying how much he loves me and how I am his whole future. It left me feeling disgusted. It’s the last memory I’ll have from him and that is that he decided to end it in a way that suited him. It’s just so disrespectful and it ended up hurting me so much more.
I broke up with my emotionally abusive boyfriend via text. I’m not sorry. He lied, defended his lies, trying to talk to him was a nightmare where my concerns never even got addressed and everything got turned around on me and ended up being my fault. I was afraid to talk to him. I’ve never broken up with anyone other than in person before.
Sounds like my ex
I definitely agree. I’m a guy and my last three girlfriends broke up with me over text over practically nothing. It sucks and yeah I don’t think it’s a gender thing. If anything I’ve heard that women do it more than guys.
This is a complete mirror to my situation. I was in a tumultuous, precarious,long,long, long distance relationship. The guy was 10 years older than me, I really fell for him. I wasted two years of my life traveling to see him (6 hour flight). I really adored him, I don’t know how he felt. I’d flown to see him the last time and he didn’t walk me to my cab. It wasn’t a big deal, but I felt it was symbolic of how he felt about me all along; he couldn’t be bothered to make an effort. I texted him… Read more »
To me the breakup by text is just the next evolutionary step of the Dear John letter.
Not the Dear John/Jane letter. The Dear John letter. The mysterious letter a man finds when he gets home one day to see hit lady has left him. This has been seen as an acceptable way for women to break up with men for ages. To the point that it even has a specified name.
This is definitely not a gender issue. Or at least I don’t think anyone has looked at the gender aspect until it started happening to women.
“This is definitely not a gender issue. Or at least I don’t think anyone has looked at the gender aspect until it started happening to women.” That’s true and it may be a twist on the boys will be boys stuff we’re always reading about. The girls are sugar and spice trap. The twist being where boys bad behavior is excused, girls bad behavior is simply not recognized as bad. The behavior doesn’t become bad until men and boys start doing it. It’s like the way society views problems. It’s not a problem until it starts affecting women. MRAs always… Read more »
Here’s an article lamenting men not working. The 800 pound gorilla is that the school system fails boys. As women become a greater portion of the tax base, how long do you think liberals will support the “nanny state” demanding universal health care and a guaranteed income? Yep. Just look at alimony and child support. The very people who were okay with the immoral and sometimes straight illegal ways those are handled as long as it was only affecting men are now suddenly outraged upon “discovery” that women face similar issue when they are the designated wallet. Even look at… Read more »
I met this woman. We went on a couple of dates. I made her dinner a my place. But there was no connection, I felt that not only were we at different places in life, we were also heading in divergent directions. So I met her for coffee, where I went on to tell her that she’s a sweet person, but this is just not working for me, and that I can’t see her anymore. We talked for a short while more, where she seemed to agree and accept, so I payed for the coffee and left. The next day… Read more »
I have women chew me out using text messages instead of telling me face to face. Tells you what a bunch of cowards they were and it is also sad how people talk to each other these days. I hate to see the day where people are unable to sit down and talk to each other face to face (barring any kind of physical assault).
Just a thought of doing that, maybe it’s a disgrace for you feel that way, yet maybe she got a reason for doing that.
I had a boyfriend for almost 5 years who broke up with me via a Facebook email – which basically got through to my phone so i feel its a similar situation to a text message. It was horrific and one of the most disrespectful things anyone has ever done to me. Not only are you breaking that persons heart by leaving them but by doing it in such a impersonal and cold manner is like negating everything you ever went through in the relationship. I now had the added pain of questioning everything we ever went through, and believing… Read more »
Sarah, How cowardly and spineless to break up with you via FB message after 5 years. And I love how you’ve processed this—“anyone who breaks up with you via a message is not good enough for you. It is selfish, childish and cowardly in my opinion and i would not like to inflict such a man upon my future children. So good riddance!” This is exactly how I coach my clients. If a person shows you their character is sorely lacking, why would you ever want to be in their life? A high value person attracts a high value person.… Read more »
Five years is a long time. If you never saw it coming, there were other communication issues in the relationship. The break up message is probably;y just the icing on the missed communication cake.
Thank you both for your replies and opinions 🙂 There were issues, as there is with any relationship. But no i did not see that particular kind of behaviour coming. I think my friends and family were not surprised but i think i always like to think the best of people..and I’m a romantic at heart, i believe think love is a sacred thing, and that you should always make effort to fix problems before bailing. I don’t think he felt the same.
Also, it is of my opinion that even if there were communication issues it is never acceptable to break up this way. It is only acceptable in long term relationships if there is abusive behaviour, then it is a matter of safety. And why is it even relevant if i saw it coming or not? If i saw it coming it makes it more acceptable to treat me badly? Im not sure if this is the implication but i don’t agree.
There’s no excuse for treating someone poorly. Just recognizing that people rarely change who they fundamentally are. If a guy disrespects you and doesn’t communicate his feelings and desires, unless he really works at it and I’d say that he wasn’t considering you didn’t see it coming, he’s not going to magically change. I wouldn’t be surprised if the text wasn’t for you, but to prove to someone else he broke up with you.
Yes i agree with you John, thank you for your input. Its sad to think this as i did love him, but yes you might be right. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was cheating. At least i have learnt to be more careful when picking a partner and not ignore the signs that someone does not love me, no matter how much i don’t want to believe it. Thank you 🙂
I don’t know about the break up by text, but I had one ex try to claw my eyes out when I broke up with her in person. I moved my head back and got 4 scratches along a cheek before I caught her arms and restrained her. As far as ghosting, I think it’s OK for men to ghost at least early in the relationship. She’s still generally expecting him to chase so if he doesn’t call, there’s no need for her to pester him. I’d say this is true for women who’ve initiated the dates / communications too… Read more »
John,
Ouch! Sounds like you dated a violent woman with a rage issue. I’m glad to hear you’re out of that relationship!
In terms of why face to face when a relationship is over? It’s not about rehashing the issues. It’s about having common decency and courage. I believe everyone deserves a dignified breakup. Not a long conversation. If you read the end of my article. my breakup was short and sweet. No rehashing. No long conversation. Just a kind goodbye. Don’t we all deserve kindness?
Sandy I disagree with you here. You don’t deserve kindness at the expense of my physical or emotional safety. If I believe my safety could be compromised by a f2f meeting (like John Anderson’s was), my kindness will be expressed in an email briefly explaining why I am not interested in staying in touch so she can have her closure experience, hopefully with her therapist, 12 step group, whatever. In another post, I referenced a book that is still a hot seller many years after being published. It’s called CRAZY TIME – surviving Divorce and building a new life: Here’s… Read more »
BizzyBee, When it comes to physical and emotional safety, of course you must protect yourself. I agree. Safety first. In that case, a face to face meeting would be dangerous. The majority of relationships are not physically violent. And that is not the type of relationship I was referencing in this article. I was talking about those who disappear because it’s hard to have that final conversation, to say goodbye in person. Happened again in my Facebook group today. Hot and heavy relationship, both took down their profiles from Match, and he disappeared Friday night, not a word. I am… Read more »
Boom. I mean, I prefer having a friend pass her a note at fifth study hall, but that’s just me! Need to grow up people. Taking the less easy path is what makes us better people. It’s not about respecting him or her, but about respecting one’s self, and we can’t live without mirrors. And that whole, “he loves me, he loves me not”, thing where a guy is Romeo incarnate on Monday, then then text-off boy on Tuesday? Going to write that one up. There is a set of binocs that work for that. Let ya see right through… Read more »
Dj,
Thanks for your spot-on message about being a grownup and respecting yourself as well as others. Yes! Invent those binoculars that let you see through red flags, and you’ll make a fortune.
Text me!