One man can rise above addiction while his friend continues to stumble through recovery.
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I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
“The Road Not Taken”
by Robert Frost
Billy’s most recent call came while I was enjoying a family dinner. Later, I listened to the message. At first, when I listened, I couldn’t identify the muffled voice. It was when I put the content together from every fourth word, I could identify the caller as someone I’ve been helping for the past two years.
Billy is a drunk. I know that sounds harsh, but after years of dealing with addiction and recovery professionally, I use the simplest, most direct language I can for alcohol, drugs, and the people who use them. There are way too many euphemisms for the chemicals that steal your sobriety. I don’t use the word booze when I’m talking about liquor or alcohol.
I haven’t heard from Billy since that garbled phone call. I’m used to his long absences.
Alcohol can’t be abused.
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I’m accustomed to the diverging roads in Frost’s famous poem. I’m a recovering alcoholic too, now for almost 30 years. Quitting drinking was the best bit of good luck I’ve ever encountered. How many times have we said or heard that someone is abusing alcohol. Alcohol can’t be abused. Drinking too much alcohol abuses the person. Liquor left in a capped bottle abuses no one.
I refer to the luck of sobriety because I know too many people who’ve tried really, very hard to quit, and their addiction enmeshed them so forcefully, it won’t let them go. It may be work to get sober, but it also takes luck (and that Higher Power.)
I quit because my then-boyfriend, now-spouse, told me he didn’t have to listen to me because I’d been drinking. It was one of those difficult conversations early in a relationship when two people are getting used to each other. Those necessary discussions require traversing some rocky roads if the relationship is to become strong and enduring. He told me that my drunken, slurred words counted for nothing, no matter how much courage it took to say them. With the help of God, I quit drinking that night.
For awhile, I thought that he was the one that was winning.
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Billy has been in more detox and recovery programs than I can count. Alcohol is relatively cheap, plentiful, and convenient. You won’t get arrested coming from a liquor store as you might buying drugs from a pusher on the street. He’s a delightful, good man when he’s sober. He’s handsome and endearingly goofy. For awhile, I thought that he was the one that was winning. For the past months, it’s the alcoholism that has been winning. He’s a full-fledged drunk once again.
Here’s the crap shoot: I could quit drinking and he can’t. That doesn’t make me a better or stronger person. All it demonstrates is that in this one area, I’ve been able to stay sober one day at a time. After decades I can still remember what scotch on the rocks tastes like and how much I enjoyed it. Now, I just know there is a bright line that must not be crossed by people like me, with weak constitutions and unfortunate histories.
Addicts are very good at shifting responsibility.
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When Billy has rolled the dice, he’s always lost. His periods of sobriety have always been brief, and when I ask him why he drinks, he always blames something or someone else. Addicts are very good at shifting responsibility.
I’ve known rich drunks and poor drunks and well educated drunks and illiterate drunks and little town drunks and city drunks and drunks from terrific families and drunks from absolutely dysfunctional families. It doesn’t matter.
Recovery can take several forms, but I’m convinced that 12-step recovery programs are the best. The price is right. There’s always a meeting close-by. Schedules and locations are on the internet.
I met Billy when his long-time girlfriend had just been murdered. She’d been beaten by skin-head hooligans who enjoy battering drunks sleeping it off in the parks. The girlfriend was homeless, semi-conscious, and an easy target that night.
I begged the state medical examiner’s board to give me her ashes for free because neither Billy nor I had the $900 to pay for a private cremation. I wasn’t the first minister trying to get the ashes of a crime victim. As long as I agreed to be in charge of the ashes, I could have them.
Remember, it wasn’t his fault he left; he was trying to help someone he loved.
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Once, Billy entered the best recovery program in Baltimore. I got to know his counselors and other men in the program. One day, he walked out because he said his sister needed help. Remember, it wasn’t his fault he left; he was trying to help someone he loved. That’s a characteristic of an addict. They are past-masters at self-abnegation.
He immediately started drinking again. The cycle started all over again. Getting sober is hopping off the Ferris wheel of degradation and death. Too many drunks like the thrill of going up and coming down and going up and coming down.
I saw Billy a couple of weeks ago in the psychiatric unit of a hospital. He was woozy because of the medications he was on. He was admitted because he was suicidally depressed. Most drunks don’t believe alcohol is a depressant because they think it lifts them up. At the psych ward, I wondered if Billy’s medications would serve to feed his addictive demons. I think they did.
I’ve given him a couple of thousand dollars over the past two years in small bills to get him through. Now, little by little, I’m being less generous of time and money. I refuse to return all his phone calls. I will be there for him when he’s sober.
◊♦◊
All addicts—still using, or clean and sober—have to be concerned about slip-sliding away. Billy can’t accept that truth because he’s still seeing the world though alcoholic insanity. I’ve told him he’ll either get sober or die in the park, like his girlfriend did. At least now, I know where to spread his ashes. It will be in the same spot where we spread hers.
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Photo: VegaTeam/Flickr
@Neil thanks for the update, is he alright right now? Or awake? I don’t want to sound rude but if you say you’re the only person then you should be there with him just a small talk may help him on his way to being recovered, for me I think that person just wants to have a friends or partner he can trust. It’s like his trying to commit suicide when you say, “he either jumped, fell, or was pushed out of a second story window, breaking many bones and his pelvis, and scuffing himself up badly. When tested, he… Read more »
Everyone, let me give you a quick sad update on my article. The man I wrote about is now in the shock trauma unit of our university hospital. Over the weekend, he either jumped, fell, or was pushed out of a second story window, breaking many bones and his pelvis, and scuffing himself up badly. When tested, he had high concentrations of alcohol and several other drugs in his blood. He’s had and will have to have many rounds of surgery, a long stay in a rehab facility, and a long recuperation after that. His probation officer has already gotten… Read more »
Neil, your opinion on todays treatment for addiction ….. do you find it as effective as it used to be? When I started in the industry, the residential treatment for adolescents was 6 to 12 months.
What’s you opinion that some treatment programs, because of “political correctness” don’t use the traditional 12 steps? Accordingly eliminating “God” from the healing process.
Dear Tom, your questions made me think. That’s usually a good thing. As a minister, I think God is always there in the midst of healing, no matter what a person might think. The higher power language is phrased in a very open ended way so that people can name their own higher power. On my bookshelves you can find everything from traditional form Christianity, Eastern religions, Judaism, Muslim, American Native, New Age, and others. Typically I can help guide someone to a sense of higher power that works with them, and go around the political correctness of leaving God… Read more »
I’m not really sure it’s that much of a crapshoot. Yes, there is some genetic variability, but I think it comes down to whether or not one is willing to deal with whatever demons are causing the problem. Obviously, alcoholism has a strong biological component, but the alcohol does get out of the system eventually if you let it. The question is whether or not a former addict has the coping strategies to deal with lifes problems other than to crawl back into the bottle. And losing all of ones friends, which definitely happens is another issue. If all your… Read more »
Dear Frank, Thanks for responding. Your contribution to this discussion is valuable and helpful. In my addiction and recovery work as part of the pastoral care I do, I know how much work it takes to stay sober, particularly at the beginning. I’ve seen men (and women) all of whom seem to be working equally hard. One man’s recovery takes hold and another seems to be falling off and hitting bottom repeatedly. Some succeed with the low tech recovery of AA, while others go the fanciest recovery spa for extended foundational work, and it doesn’t work. As a minister we… Read more »
I’d recommend taking a look at The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal, there’s a ton of research out there about why people’s willpower fails them and why it tends to do so at relatively predictable points. Obviously, it’s more complicated than just genetics and the amount of work one is willing to put into it, but I’m not sure that it’s as unpredictable as people often times think. I dedicated basically all of my willpower to quitting, which meant that I couldn’t function in other areas of my life for a while. The interesting thing though is that it seems… Read more »
Dear Frank, thanks for your insights. I completely agree that overcoming an addiction hinges on many different factors, and the particular drug and your time and place are all factors. I found your note interesting you said that nicotine wasn’t a problem for you. Other addiction professionals have told me that nicotine and heroin are probably equally hard to kick. I am also interested in your comment about marijuana with all of the conversation nowadays about its benign nature. I have had others tell me that weed can be a real problem, and know a young man with marijuana psychosis.… Read more »
Dear Frank (I don’t know if all the Franks who commented are the same person), thanks for your story. you make an important point. If you shed an addiction, then how are you going to deal with those people you hang out with? Some people are able to say they’re not using anymore and keep the same friends. Others need to find new friends who don’t offer any temptations. I usually counsel that its best for the recovering addict to recover in place, but that’s not always the best idea. I have told some people they really need to figuratively… Read more »