Here’s the advice I gave a friend embarking on a journey of becoming a step-mom. This advice is based on 15 years of co-parenting with my son’s step-mom.
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Exciting times are ahead, for sure. As the mom of a now grown son with a step-parent, my first recommendation is to always be respectful of the place your step daughter’s mother holds in the family. No one can ever replace her or completely fill her role. You may wish she wasn’t in the picture sometimes, but the fact is, unless there are extenuating circumstances, she’s not going anywhere.
While not everyone understands this concept, I know this for sure: no child can have too much love. The extra support you provide as a step-mom is appreciated, because it really does take a village to raise a child. Also, the additional family members you bring to your step-daughter’s life in terms of grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends make that village a very wide circle of support for your step-daughter.
Step up and take the place that your husband has bestowed to you—it is a huge gift with high honors.
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Also, know that not all moms understand or appreciate this fact and you may be met with hostility and jealousy on occasion. This may be especially true in the beginning of your relationship. Once your step-daughter’s mother sees your step-daughter truly enjoying time spent in the village and benefiting from the support of the village, hopefully the hostility and jealousy will lessen over time and completely vanish.
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Communication is important—but it may be best to let the communication about your step-daughter go through your husband and your step-daughter’s mom (at least initially). In the future, you and your husband may choose a different arrangement if it’s better suited for everyone involved.
Step up and take the place that your husband has bestowed to you—it is a huge gift with high honors. A word of caution though: try not to assert yourself in areas where you’ve not been given authority or privilege. It is important that you and your husband (and possibly your step-daughter’s mom) sit down and have a conversation about what your lines of authority are and where the boundaries are. Once you have this clarity, it’s much easier “stay within the lines,” so to speak.
This can be hard, and know that you will undoubtedly and mistakenly cross the line on occasion. When that happens, immediately ask for forgiveness and make it right as best you can.
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You will at times feel hopeless and like nothing you do is ever good enough or that you’ll never be like or as “good as” your step-daughter’s mom (assuming she’s a good mom). The truth is, you won’t—and that’s just as it should be. Moms are special people and will always have a very special place in their child’s heart.
You must know that step-moms are very special people too. They have a special place in their child’s heart as well. It’s just a DIFFERENT place. God designed it that way.
There is no competition among moms and step-moms. They are both very much needed and both very much loved. You will both love your step-daughter side-by-side and she will know a greater depth of love because of the love you share with your husband.
You are blessed to be on this journey and I wish you all much happiness.
I dedicate this piece to my son’s step-mom, Melinda Kluding and her family. Melinda has been a great step-mom to my son Johnathan and her family has provided the most awesome village of support.
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