If your goal is to be an a**hole … this is the advice for you. You’re welcome.
______
By Charles J. Orlando for YourTango
Whether you met online or in aisle #3 at the grocery store, success on a first date is all about what to do and when to do it. The pressure for men to put their best foot forward on Date #1 is huge, so he needs to get things right.
Here’s a step-by-step guide for men to show their strength, confidence, and Alpha status right from the start.
1. Use a profile picture from college
You looked your best then, right? And, even though you graduated more than 10 years ago, you looked great. Don’t worry … everyone does it. As Neil Strauss said in his bestseller The Game: “It’s not lying; it’s flirting.” So flirt! And besides, you’re competing for her attention; you need every advantage.
2. Be late
Being on time is for pu**ies. Be a man. You decide when the date starts. You get there when you are damned well good-and-ready. She needs to know who the boss is right from the start.
3. Don’t go up to the door to pick her up
Come on … there’s technology for all this. Show her you’re able to use your phone for something other than porn. Text her from the car and let her walk out to meet you. There’s no sense in walking up and then both of you walking back to the car. Besides, her calves will look great after she walks solo to your ride.
4. Pick her up right after your workout.
Women love when a man sweats, and that scent of musty man funk is just what the doctor ordered. Be sure to adjust your junk as she opens the door—you know … let the boys breathe a bit. Then, clear out your sinuses and hock that post-workout phlegm out your car window. No sense in keeping the mystery … especially since your plan includes bypassing the Good Night Kiss and leaping straight for the Good Night BJ.
5. Forget having a plan
Women are difficult. Let her pick everything — you know — so she doesn’t bitch about what she hates to do/eat. When she says, “Where are we going?” the best answer is, “I dunno. Where do you want to go?” She’ll love that, and she’ll appreciate being completely in charge of everything. (Bonus: Remind her that it’s not passive-aggressive by sighing loudly when she gets frustrated with you. It shows you’re listening.)
6. Talk about yourself a lot
She wants to know you, right? So tell her! Tell her about how much money you make, how your “other car” is in the shop, and about the awesome house you live in. And, give her a taste of your vocabulary! Saying “F*ck that!” or “Sh*t, yeah!” will let her see how passionate you are. (Pro Tip: Reinforce the fact that you almost swiped left when you saw her pic on Tinder … that should knock her attitude down to where it needs to be.)
7. Talk about your ex
Make sure she knows that your ex was a b*tch, and that you won’t stand for any of that from here out. It’s important she know your limits and her place right out of the gate.
8. Be unattainable.
Show her pictures of other women you’ve dated since then and show her your type. She needs to know you’re a hot commodity. (Bonus: Show her pictures of you receiving oral sex to show Social Proof. That way she knows the ecstasy she’s in for when you have sex later that night … because that’s your plan, right!? Why else would you bother to take her out?)
9. Take calls and answer texts at the table
You’re an important guy, and many people are trying to reach you … so answer! She needs to see that you’re in high-demand. Let her experience how many other women want you. It will make her competitive and she’ll vie for your affections. (Handy Tip: Have your friends call and text you, also. You can make plans with them while on the date. She needs to get used to your Boys’ Nights Out anyway.)
10. Be firm with the wait staff
If you take her to dinner, make sure and show her that you’re in charge. The wait staff is there to serve you, so MAKE THEM SERVE! If anything is messed up on your order, be sure to scowl, the scold the waiter/waitress in a loud tone so they know you run things. Then, tip 2% … or better yet, stiff them. (Extra points if you drink a lot and then drive. Women love a man who can hold his liquor and multi-task.)
11. Don’t pay 100% of the bill
No need for all that courtship and chivalry crap. Show her you value gender equality by letting her pay for dinner. And order the steak and a $150 bottle of wine to relate your confidence in your decision.
12. Be sure to walk her up to her door
It’s the only way you’ll get a kiss so tough it out, champ. A kiss on Date #1 leads to a blowjob on Date #2, so play this right.
13. Kiss her hard
Let her know you’re there. Lean in aggressively and plant a wet one right on her. Make sure you use lots of tongue (so you can show her a preview of your cunnilingus skills reserved for Date #3 ), and let your hands wander where you please. She won’t mind.
14. Don’t call for a while
She needs to chase you. You gave her the privilege of your company. She needs to get with the program and make the next move.
If you’re unclear what to do at any point, just hang tight until you’re introduced to her best friend (usually around Date #4). You can test what you’re thinking of on her best friend — even sex. After all, no one knows your new girlfriend better than her friends. Above all: Be strong and be mysterious. She needs to recognize greatness … and you are obviously it. And if you set the bar low enough, the only way to go is up!
______
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
For more articles likes this, see:
If you thought that was good—there’s plenty more where that came from. We put out a “Best Of” newsletter once a day. Sign up here.
Haha these are awesome. I’ll make sure to add them to my repertoire
Wasn’t this a Dane Cook movie?
I have to wonder why the GMP shares such a vast number of articles like this that seem to run counter with it’s stated mission and values? You would think, given how heavily this site moderates it’s male readers comments, that the site would also filter the articles it reblogs.
Exactly!
This is hilarious. Since finding myself solo, and setting the example for my daughter on expectations for respectful dating, I personally refuse to succumb to what the masses deem appropriate dating anymore, i.e. not opening the doors, not picking her up, lack of courting her, etc. An older gentlemen once told me, that women spend way more money and time to look good for a date, and a real man should show her appreciation by not letting her pay. Maybe relationships wouldn’t be so screwed up if we reverted back to some of the respectful practices of the 1950’s.
I don’t live in the USA. I have had dates with many different women in my life, and not even once did it happen that I went with my car to pick her up from her home (or her parent’s home with a shotgun-wielding father behind the door, while we’re at it). Mostly we just met at a nice café or whatever else nice neutral ground took our fancy. Do American people really still date like that? It sounds like the 50s. Or is it a rural/urban thing? Please tell me! While we are on the topic: It appears from… Read more »
Most people who are in the early stages of dating in the USA will meet at a destination that was decided earlier. I’ve only once had a first date pick me up at home, and he and I had been casual friends for a few months.
As for the dating-to-married observation, in America, the term “dating” is often used to describe a couple who are together, even long-term, but are not married or engaged. I’m not saying it’s the best phrasing, but when someone says, “They’ve been dating about a year now,” most people know what he/she means.
Given that women have been graduating from college at higher rates than men for over 3 decades and they have a lower unemployment rate, isn’t it time dating advice catches up to reality??? This isn’t the 1950s you know.
I must have forgot that women can’t pay for themselves, only jerks make them pay right? Seriously??