DeAnna Lorraine talks to Justin Cascio about the emotional experience of attending a wedding, and how single men can make the most of it.
It’s a beautiful spring day, and DeAnna Lorraine wants to talk about weddings. Ms. Lorraine, who also goes by “Ms. Hitch” and “THEE Dating Coach,” teaches couples how to put the spark back in their relationships, and helps singles find their ultimate relationship. Her particular strength is in helping shy and introverted men develop greater confidence and assertiveness with women, teaching them the dating and attraction skills that will allow them to pursue the women they desire.
Ever since starting her date coaching business in the San Diego area six years ago, Lorraine has had more single male clients than female clients. Her impression is that the number of men seeking marriage and relationships seems to be increasing, while the number of women seeking marriage seems to be shrinking, and that those who come to her for help are older.
In what ways are the single women different from the men you help?
They’re getting way into their thirties, still want to be working toward milestones in their careers. Women are in their late thirties, early forties when they pop into my office and say, ‘Hey, I just realized I don’t have a man. I need to start looking for one.’
Women are cast as the emotionally vulnerable ones at weddings, but men, because of the way they pride themselves on their tough exteriors, this actually makes them more vulnerable. We all want love and marriage. It’s just that men haven’t been brought up to talk about these things, and aren’t in the habit of processing these kinds of feelings the way women are.
When it comes to dating and relationships, what makes single men most anxious?
The feeling that, most of their life, men don’t have as strong an urge to marry as women. Not all the time, but especially nowadays, it’s more common for men to be suddenly faced with this feeling of urgency: the clock is ticking. Women’s clocks have already been ticking, but now men feel they need to hurry.
What is the source of that urgency?
The wedding is what triggers it. Looking at two people in love. Being confronted with the feeling, and having to deal with it.
What do weddings remind single men of, that they are missing?
LOVE. Beyond just sex, beyond hooking up and having casual relationships and multiple women, it’s one person, a miracle union. A partnership that goes deeper than just sex. Most guys can go to a bar at night and find a woman to have sex with. But deeper companionship, deeper connection that a wedding throws in their face that they don’t have. Because they have to sit through the wedding, they have to deal with the emotions that come up. They’re forced to sit still, not leave or distract themselves. They can’t change the channel or console themselves with a woman. They didn’t even bring anyone to the wedding.
DeAnna Lorraine’s work as a dating and relationship coach takes her all over the world. She’s leading three-day intensive attraction seminars for men this summer in San Diego, which train participants on the long-term coaching process she uses with her clients. In her seminar, she takes the men with her out on the town and teaches them exactly how to meet and attract women. “By the end of the weekend they are transformed,” Lorraine says. Her new book for men is The Science of Being Sexy, in which she promises to break down the process of unlocking a man’s natural potential to attract.
On the day that I interview Ms. Lorraine, she plans to take one of her male clients to a strip club. “Speaking of men who are shy, this is an example of a kind of ‘field session’ that I sometimes do with them,” Lorraine says. We’re on the phone, very early on the West Coast where she is calling me from. Looking out my office window, I see a warm spring day. Everything is in bloom, the birds are singing, and the idea of a windowless room full of loud music and sexual tension doesn’t strike me as romantic at all. Lorraine assures me that it is extremely important. “Sitting on a couch or holding hands… that seems pretty normal to most guys, who are used to it, but a man in his thirties or forties who has been very shy all his life often doesn’t have any experience with that. I do things to help them to feel more comfortable and natural around women. They have breakthroughs that allow them to finally connect and get close to women.”
Lorraine also has some female assistants who will sometimes come to her office and assist her in some ‘Attraction Training’ with her clients, including practicing having conversations with them, flirting, and touching. These are “definitely things that most men take for granted,” says Lorraine. “But for a man who has not experienced that yet, it’s a big deal.”
The women who work in the gentlemen’s clubs where Lorraine takes her clients have conversations with the men, hold their hands, and may even give them lap dances. All the while, their coach, is nearby, often in the same room, assessing them and giving feedback afterwards. “Guys who are very introverted or inexperienced are typically so uncomfortable with a woman being so close to them. They often need experience with being up close and personal.”
“It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it!” she says, with a giggle.
In her videos online, Lorraine advises men to be assertive and take opportunities, such as a woman’s hand on your arm, as an invitation to get closer. She tells men to be flirtatious and integrate playfulness and light sexual innuendo early in a conversation, in order to put the image in a woman’s mind of them as a potential romantic or sexual partner.
What do you think of the pick-up artist community?
Obviously, a lot of these strategies and tactics may be similar, since we’re talking about dating and attracting women. When you develop these skills you’re free to do with them whatever you want, for a hook up or for a relationship, but these tactics are much more manipulative to women. ‘A little bit sleazy’ is the best way to describe it.
A lot of the points are the same because you’re dating attractive women, but I’m more interested in working with men who are looking for long term relationships. The skills I teach are more real and will get you much more authentic and lasting connection, whereas the PUA communities, if you haven’t developed the confidence it might work for one night but women will see through it eventually, so it won’t work for the long term.
What would you like men to know, going into this wedding season? Any tips for attendees and groomsmen who are looking for love?
There’s a feeling in the air at weddings. Women will be open to it, too. Take advantage of it.
Weddings are a fabulous opportunity to meet people. Don’t just scrounge up a date when there’s so many single women at the wedding. Make an effort to make a connection.
This is an opportunity to start a new chapter of your life. Look for relationship potential instead of just hooking up or ignoring the emotions in your life.
Are you in a long term relationship?
Yes, I am.
Are you married?
What is your position on marriage equality?
Yes, gay and lesbian marriage.
If two people are really happy together, I don’t see the point in forcing them to do something they don’t really want. I’m neutral toward it. I certainly don’t think we shouldn’t have it. What business is it of mine, if it’s a man and a woman, a man and a man, or a man and a dog? What is the point of having them force to be married to someone they don’t want or to not get married? It brings a lot of commitment and strength to people to get married. We shouldn’t take it away. It’s not any of my business.
Since you mentioned it, what is your position on marriage between a man and a dog?
I am kidding on marriage between man and a dog. It’s not my business who makes who happy. No, I don’t support marriage between a man and a dog. It’s about two people and what’s happening in their life. If they would choose more of a normal life I’m pretty sure they would. I’m sure they’ve already confronted these feelings in the life. I don’t think punishing them is the answer.