This father explains to his son why he’s not signing him up for little league and offers some sage advice to parents about expectations and their children.
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Dear Andrew,
I owe you an apology.
If you are reading this as an adult, chances are that you have not made your living as a professional baseball player. Most likely, it has nothing to do with your athletic ability.
You’ve been snagging outfield fly balls in the backyard easily for a few years now. I doubt that it is because you didn’t hustle or give your all each time you put on your uniform. You are dedicated, and a hard worker.
It might be because we didn’t give you a chance.
Please, before you drive over to my nursing home, and poison my tapioca, hear me out.
It’s 2014 as I type this, and unless things changed while I was walking into Starbucks today, youth sports have become a big deal. A really big deal actually.
Between the last time I put on a little league uniform, and the first time you put one on, things have changed.
I remember playing little league during the spring. The season was ten weeks long and we played on Saturday mornings. Every once in a while we would even have a practice! I absolutely loved it.
I played for Berlin Steel one year, played second base and proudly wore number eight on my red uniform.
Justin Forte, my sidekick at shortstop, turned an unassisted triple play once, and had his story and photograph in the newspaper. He was my friend before he was a local celebrity.
I did allow myself to daydream about how different life would have been if the batter went to the opposite field and made me a star. I have almost gotten rid of all of my envy.
We celebrated our frequent losses at Friendly’s with a Reese’s Pieces ice cream sundae and went home to enjoy our regularly unscheduled weekend.
Somewhere between taking the SAT’s and getting married, somebody decided to change little league from an activity, to a job.
We signed you up for little league two years ago, when you were six. It didn’t hit me at first how different it had become, except for the requirement that each player had to have their own bat and helmet.
Few sights are as funny as a dozen six-year-olds searching through a dozen helmets, and a dozen bats, each trying to figure out which is theirs every single inning of every single game.
You snagged more dandelions out of the grass than ground balls that year. You signed up again this spring.
When we studied your schedule, your mom and I were taken aback. Your team was scheduled for three games a week during four separate weeks. That didn’t include practice.
During the season, we were nudged to sign you up for a summer travel league. That team would be traveling nearly every weekend, including the 4th of July. Did I mention that you were eight-years-old?
We declined.
I felt odd having to explain to some parents why we didn’t sign you up, like it was a form of child abuse. What if he wants to play high school ball? They asked.
Apparently, the bar is pretty high to play high school ball. I had no idea that spring, summer, and fall ball were required. Travel leagues require four nights a week, after school, and practices from eight-years-old until whenever.
So your mom and I had this really radical conversation, and said this word that seems so difficult for some kids to hear.
No. We’re not riding this crazy train.
We’re living in a culture where organized kids activities control parent’s lives. It’s not only baseball. There are Cub Scouts, hockey, football, karate, and soccer. Where do we draw the line?
Shuttling around to practices, rehearsals and recitals, parents seem exhausted playing limo driver while barely having time to shove a handful of fries into their mouth for dinner.
We’re not doing it!
We looked into the crystal ball, with three boys, and saw a life of endless games and practices, fast food meals on the run, and miniscule time spent as a family.
Let me explain to you what drives me crazy about this fiasco we’ve created. Kids spend all day in a structured school environment. Testing has made it a much less creative day than school was in the past. So after all of these hours of following directions, we funnel our kids into yet another organized activity. Or three.
Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Year after year.
And then we as parents wonder why our kids are unable to think for themselves, why they need direction to do any little thing. Why they feel entitled, and it will be because that was how we trained them.
I want to let you in on a little poll that I have unofficially conducted for the past few years. Mom and I have photographed hundreds and hundreds of weddings. Often, we work with families that are very thoughtful, loving, and considerate of each other. As a parent of three young boys, it’s incredibly impressive to watch.
I have made it a habit to compliment the parents at the end of the night for how they raised their children. There is one question that I always ask before I let them go.
How did they do it?
What is astonishing is that quite often, the answers are very similar.
The number one answer that I get, surprises the heck out of me. Want to know what it is?
They ate dinner together at home, often. When I pushed further, I found out that they also didn’t watch television during dinner. Spending time together as a family was a top priority.
All of this isn’t to say that you will not be the starting third baseman for your high school team.
I’m taking the chance that tossing you endless pop-ups, and challenging you with my curve ball in the backyard, will take the place of the summer leagues. When we’re done, we’ll share dinner together, like a family.
I need you to understand that I’ve got nothing against little league. Watching you play is one of the highlights of my week. We’ll continue to sign you up once a year if you want to, and enjoy every second. We just aren’t going to let it dictate our family. If that means that you weren’t given the opportunity to develop into a baseball star, we can live with that.
I hope you can too. Just to be safe, though, I’ll pass on the tapioca.
Love,
Dad
This should be posted in the schools and papers in Chester CT
I appreciate and understand where you are coming from. My daughter plays travel sports. Due to your well-written, thought-provoking article, I have written a blog about the benefits of travel sports. I hope you read it and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I find your premise that kids who follow the path you are choosing not to follow are more likely to be flawed. We have two kids. One is textbook case of playing sports as you described. The other followed an equally ambitious road in music performance. They did not become either an athlete or a musician, but they are strong, independent women. They are millineals and, like most that I have observed in their generation, they are caring, appreciative of family, ambitious, accepting and ethical whether they grew up as part of the sports machine or travelled other roads. My… Read more »
How Travel Sports Builds Character I appreciate this thought-provokig article and for anything else the conversation and awareness it brings to others. I agree that childrens’ sports have taken on a new level of intensity. I too, did not grow up in an era of “travel” sports. My 9 year old daughter (now in 4th Grade) has been playing travel soccer for the since she joined in the middle of 2nd Grade. While it certainly has some drawbacks which include a very busy schedule, late family dinners (yes, they are still “family dinners”) and tournaments during long, holiday weekends, let… Read more »
Vincent – great piece, loved your writing and your story. My wife and I have five kids, and we’re really wrestling through the right approach here. Thanks for your perspective.
I think in the beginning when kids play sports they usually try everything to see what really attracts them and if the love is there, they begin to choose one. My sons played soccer but loved baseball best. They are 43 and 41 and still play baseball both hard ball and softball. They are great athletes so when my older son had twin sons there was never a doubt they would play sports unless they didn’t want to. One grandson started throwing around a baseball from the time he was three. He was noticed by others at the park when… Read more »
Madgew, I appreciate your parenting ideas. They reflect pretty much how we raised our children. It seems that there is a kind of trust/belief on your part that each of your children if given “the space” really can choose what is best for them and what they will excel at. I admire your courage to “allow’ them to choose what they enjoy and then provide the parental love and support to make their choices happen. What that really indicates is that is how you view yourself, with the same kind of trust/confidence and self belief. I found as a dad… Read more »
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Terrific piece Vincent. Its a tough issue. My son LOVED baseball and we did the whole summer league for years. I coached. There are good parts and there are bad parts, and I completely understand where you’re coming from.
You may be interested in this piece I wrote after coaching competitive little league for three years:
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/mkdn-the-dog-days-of-little-league/
And also in this piece I wrote – a satire on parents taking youth sports WAY too seriously:
https://goodmenproject.com/sports-2/mkdn-kid-learned-walk-got-whiffle-ball-bat-happened-next-absolutely-insane/
Best!
Mike
Amen, Vincent. ‘Nuff said.
Great, great article. It seems we’re pushed more and more to over-structure our kids, whether it’s sensory tables, sports teams or iPad learning. There’s no time to see Dad reading a book and maybe think “hey, he’s really enjoying that, maybe I will too” or spend some time wondering about the intricacies of the bug on the other side of the window.
…so so timely — good schtuff!