The inside scoop to finding love and winning a woman’s heart online.
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Hi Guys,
I’m divorced and have been dating online for about five years. I’m also a dating coach. I help women over 40 succeed with online (and offline) dating. And we have something to say to you. We LOVE men, and we want you to have more dating success. Some of you post wonderful profiles that are well written and grammatically correct. Your photos are awesome.
We think you’re sexy when you’re confident and kind.
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But, many of you are failing miserably at capturing our attention. Okay, maybe you capture our attention, but not in the way you may have intended. So, today I am speaking to you, the men who are skipped over, turned down, rejected, and dejected. I want to give you the inside scoop on how to capture our hearts. And it’s not what you might think…
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5 Online Dating Tips To Win a Woman’s Heart
1. Your Hair. We don’t care whether you’re bald, grey-haired or have a ponytail. Some of us like beards and mustaches, while others prefer a clean-shaven face. While every woman has her hair preferences, we care more about your character than the amount of hair on your head or chin. So don’t contact the Hair Club for Men. We think you’re sexy when you’re confident and kind. So, if you don’t like what you’ve got on your head, don’t stress about it–rock it!
2. Photos Don’ts. Men without photos have a very low contact rate. Please post photos. You increase our trust when we can see what you look like. But, don’t scan your driver’s license or post your wedding photo with your ex-lopped off. (This really happens. I’ve seen both!). No bathroom selfies. Don’t post pictures of yourself drinking with your buds. We’ll probably think you’re an alcoholic. We are not attracted to pictures of your gun collection, your latest hunt, or your motorcycles and cars. Other guys will probably be impressed. Us? Not so much. And finally, please don’t post photos with your shirt off. We think it’s sexier to leave something to the imagination.
3. Photo Do’s. Post three or four photos that represent who you are TODAY, not five shades of hair or 50 pounds ago. If you have developed a gut, most of us are okay with that if we can see it in a photo, not shocked by it on a first date. We know our bodies are not perfect, but if we take care of ourselves and exercise and eat well, we’re turned on when you do the same. It shows us that you care about your health and wellbeing. That’s sexy.
If you don’t have any good current photos, you can hire a professional without breaking the bank. Check Craigslist or Groupon/Living Social for discounted packages. Or, ask a friend to shoot some pics for you. Have fun with them. Take a few body shots and 1 or 2 close-ups. Take photos doing something you love–a sport, a hobby. That will draw us in and give us something to talk about in a first email.
The more you tell us, the better we get to know you. We’re turned off by a mostly blank profile.
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4. Your Essay. Please don’t write essays like this–“One-of-a-kind. I could write a lot about me, but, what’s more important is you.” Yep. That’s an essay I spotted online. It tells me nothing about this man at all. If you don’t tell us some specifics about what makes you unique, why would we want to contact you? You are a stranger to us. Reel us in. Tell us little one-line stories about the funniest thing that happened to you, your favorite trip, what particular music excites you, or what inspires you. We don’t want your resume. We don’t want you in list form. We read your profiles. We care about what you have to say. If you have trouble writing about yourself, hire someone. It could mean the difference between getting skipped over or noticed online.
5. Other stuff. Fill out all the forms on the dating sites. Answer questions. The more you tell us, the better we get to know you. We’re turned off by a mostly blank profile. If you can’t put the energy into filling things out, why would we expend energy in contacting you or responding to your emails? And speaking of emails, please don’t write emails like this: “Hi! May we share life together, my name is ¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬______ & you’re…?” Find something you like about us in our profiles. Show us that you care about getting to know us better. Ask a question at the end of the email, so we’ll be prompted to write back. I encourage my clients to initiate emails to the men they like. And we LOVE it when you write first. Put in a little more effort, and the payoff will be well worth it.
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Guys, we want to date you. We want to know more about you. We want to see the real you in your photos. Make a few tweaks to your online dating profile, and we’ll be like putty in your hands. Okay, maybe not putty, but you might get a date with us. We can’t wait to meet you.
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Photo: Flickr/ Ed Yourdon
A version of this article first appeared in 2012 on the Last First Date Blog
Please stop wondering why men are not interested, it is really becoming boring.
We have family laws that are severely against men.
We have feminists who are slamming men every chance they get, and always get a “you go girl” from other females.
You have aged and gained weight and hit the Wall.
Turn the question around…WHY WOULD MEN WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH AMERICAN DIVORCE-THREATS..?
Well SAID! LOL! :::passes Lloyd a beer::
Hope that’s right about the hair part. I used to have a lot of hair in my 20s. In my 40s, not so much.
It is true we just want a man to take care of himself. Kind of like fine lines.
Really??? After a lifetime of hearing nothing but “men are dogs”, “men are rapists”, and “men suck”, among many others, and many women who have the attitude (Stuck-up, I might add) why would I believe this drivel???
Sandy, I would really like to think that your article would give me encouragement. I was wondering how you address a man’s height. I’ve been turned down for dates by women due to height, including a woman who was my same height and one who was 2 inches taller than me. It’s not like I was after a 6 foot tall supermodel. So I’m concluding that I’m being passed over due to height, not because I have a poor profile and bad pictures. It could be said that these women are superficial, but when so many of them want a… Read more »
I would say that the scene is just as bleak for women as it is for men. If I get a message that basically is asking me for sex or just to hook up…why should I bother with a response. They obliviously didn’t read my profile and are only looking at my picture. When I am looking at a profile, I read the whole thing. I see what might be or might not be compatible. Be real. I don’t want to see filthy hair, up the nose shots, bed shots or bare bodies…. Someone who looks normal, real and genuine… Read more »
What is scary is that so many of these things that she advises men not to do, I see women do all of the time in their online dating profiles, e.g. the checklists, the resume, and the selfies at the bar, most likely taken while extremely inebriated. Pot kettle black.
This title is completely misrepresentative. It should read: A guide to online dating for single men over 40 (or actually men of any age). I was expecting something more enlightening, not something that’s been written a thousand times before.
AGE + HEIGHT + LOOKS are the decisive factors.
This article has ok advice but the key factors are age + height + looks.
Remember that women write about their ideal selves, not their actual behavior.
With all the dating sites that I was on I probably sent approximately a few hundred emails and guess how many women I actually met. If I remember correctly , less than a handful. And probably only around 15 or so actually responded to my messages. I remember writing a few to get their input as to why they didn’t feel a connection. I received answers such as , “well, you’re only two inches taller than me”,” I don’t date musicians “, “you’re a Gemini”, etc. Yea, tough crowd. Just sayin–maybe instead of telling men how to spruce up their… Read more »
I’m with you. And I’m a lady I’m not concerned about your sign, how much muscle or money you have. As a woman I want a man that knows how to treat a lady right with confidence. Don’t worry about your hair, instead focus on who you are so then you can focus on who she is and see if there is a connection. Yes I’m about done with online dating oh.. And don’t ask for her phone number up front, that’s just creepy.
This is good advice if you want to be a thirsty blue pill beta or a white knight orbiter. If a woman is not interested, just move on. There are better ways to spend your time and energy that worrying if you got everything “right” on your profile.
Ummm…yeah. When it comes to online dating for over 40 men I have just one word of advice: don’t. It’s just a waste of time that is far better spent making your life better and more interesting in the real world. You can spend hours trying to take the ‘perfect’ pictures, write the ‘perfect’ profile and send the ‘perfect’ emails and it means nothing if you get nothing in return. Save you money. Save your psyche and save your time but just opting out of the whole online dating scam and focus on meeting and dating your partner IRL. That’s… Read more »
Well said, MGM531.
“We know our bodies are not perfect, but if we take care of ourselves and exercise and eat well, we’re turned on when you do the same. It shows us that you care about your health and well being. That’s sexy.” Translation…only fit, tall, muscular guys need apply.. Think about the sheer arrogance of this ….we have 60% of men AND women being overweight in this country with nearly a third being obese. Now, with that being said, using the author’s logic that leaves about 40% of men eligible. So, the only “sexy” men the author and other women are… Read more »
Hi Jules Are you sure women 40+,50+.60+ have an advantage in online dating? I have never tried ,and do not know what is going on but it sounds weird if it is easier for women 40+ than it is for men unless the women is something very special …… I just read about reseach in my own country about how we choose partners. And here people choose someone with the same education, and background. Men without high school have problems finding a wife. And if you ad health problems it will be even more difficult. Manybe it is not so… Read more »
Hello Iben!!! Well, in all candor I think women in the age groups you mentioned do not have the advantage over women much younger. I believe that is your question… The problem here I see is that women enjoy privilege period over men when it comes to dating and sex….. So, your question is relative. Women in the 40, 50, 60 age groups are at a disadvantage relative to their younger peers. Also, I think men their age are looking for younger women…But, they still have privilege. Privilege by virtue of the fact that women do the choosing…not men. Only… Read more »
Jules,I do not think many of us want to marry or be in a romantic relationship with a person that ” love ” us because we are good looking, or wealthy. And if you approch women to share some aspects of your life as you say here,I think lots of women would be comfortabel with that. Unless they are in the age where they want to start a family and have children. Franky I do not understand why you have problems with love relationships Jules. Are you the one that is holding back and refuse to love deeply, one more… Read more »
@Iben, “Franky I do not understand why you have problems with love relationships Jules. Are you the one that is holding back and refuse to love deeply, one more time?” Let us start with Shakespeare, “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” I really think I need to overcome my internal fears and demons….I am so fearful of getting caught up these perpetual short term relationships with my heart yoyoing and being broken.. Alternatively, I cannot start out with someone new and expect… Read more »
Jules,I know what I say now may seem strange but I need ot say it.
I am sure there are many way to deal with out inner demons.
My new discovery is that forgiveness is a one way that makes it easy to move on.
But please do not withdraw from love relationships Jules.
We should make prostitution legal around the world then both men and women don’t have to worry about trying to get sex.
@ G, You know G, sex is important to me and a priority. I get where you are coming from here. I most certainly do… But, I need more from a woman than just sex. I desire a human relationship with a woman. A relationship whose foundations are love, passion, trust, kindness, giving, and intimacy. A connection of mind, body, and spirit. The sex must be there too as it is a priority. I do not want to view a woman as just a sex thing. She deserves more than that. Personally, I do not believe in prostitution. But, I… Read more »
Hi G For me prostitution feels problematic and we know human trafficking increases when a country open up and let it become legal to buy sex. It is also problematic because somebody has to take on the job as prostitutes. And they are more often than not equal partners to the buyer of sex. But I do not see it as a sin to have sex with a person you just met,but prostitution is something else than a sexual happening . Some men will say high price prostitutes have all the power and the buyer has non. Still you will… Read more »
Prostitution is legal here, but it is about $300 an hour. If you are a poor male without much income in this society, you are pretty screwed when it comes to dating. Very few women will want to date a man who is poor vs the number of men who will date a poor woman. Poor men will also not be able to afford to goto sex workers either.
1) 2) and 3) All my photos of me I’m bald, and my beard is neatly trimmed. I have current full length shots of myself fully clothed and a couple I’m even suited up. 4) I have a pretty decent essay about myself, and my interests. 5) My profiles are all 100% complete. I’m still having no luck getting dates or meeting women on these sites. Silly me, I thought this article might actually have some decent information about what I could do to change my luck with online dating. Given THREE out of five things this author chose to… Read more »
SLEEPER
I am afraid lots of men also like to bang beautiful women these days.
And online dating makes it now possible for the few that can,to tast as many” samples ” as possible.
I guess women as well as men do that now ,if that is their personality.
@Iben,
Yes, I agree with you 100%…..The few great looking hot men can have as many samples as they so wish. It would appear the women are all too eager to accommodate them…
Same goes for women……
The only difference is more average women can have sex with attractive men then average men with attractive women. Just a fact of life.
What I find puzzling is neither of these two groups (highly attractive and over sexed men and women) seem to want to marry one another…Seems they like to prey on those “beneath” them…Just my opinion…
🙂
That just goes to show you, women are far more picky and probably more shallow than men if say 80% of women are chasing 20% of women whereas maybe 80% of men are after 50% of women.
Totally agree …Many years of experience in contact on line…
“Women are shallow and all they care about is the visual?” It’s funny, but I hear that same complaint from women every day. The problem isn’t your online dating profile. It’s your attitude. If you believe it’s that ALL women are anything, you have a false belief. Perhaps your belief system is keeping you from finding a woman online…
It’s called (or at least I do anyway) the Patrick Dempsey effect – and yes it’s one hundred percent real (especially in LA). I actually tested what we all suspect. I’ve taken a year long sabbatical from the whole thing.
@ SLEEPER “Given THREE out of five things this author chose to discuss is about appearance and photos ” I found that to be a little disconcerting as well. I decided to try and take a positive light to the article by saying that she’s trying to help men. I think the big problem is that the advice is unsolicited so comes off as condescending. It would be like me writing an article telling women how they should never be bigger than a size 6 and how they should have at least C cup or give the appearance of one… Read more »
“…if you can’t put the energy into filling things out, why should we expend energy in contacting you or responding to your e-mails?”
You suggesting there should be a quid pro quo there? I’ve expended plenty of such energy in the past. Now it’s your turn. Or is it necessary that I always go first?
I didn’t say men should always go first. I said, “I encourage my clients to initiate emails to the men they like.” My clients are proactive, just as I feel men should be if they want results. In my experience, men over 40 initiate contact much less often than women over 40. Why don’t men and women put in more effort to make dating work?
““I encourage my clients to initiate emails to the men they like.” How’s that working for you? My guess, not too good. It’s a nice sentiment, but not likely to happen with much frequency anytime soon. “In my experience, men over 40 initiate contact much less often than women over 40.” That has not been my experience. I frequently initiate contact with women in my age range (40’s) to which I rarely receive a reply and very rarely do I get any initial contact from women. And as easy as it would be to dismiss my experience as an anomaly… Read more »
I realize that many people – men and women – don’t initiate contact in online dating. Or if they do, they send an email or IM that doesn’t inspire a response. My clients DO send first emails (men and women), and I help them write emails that get opened and answered. You can’t control what other people do – online or offline- but you can control how you show up in dating. That was the intention of this article, to improve your online presence and communication. There are so many lovely people out there who misrepresent themselves and unknowingly sabotage… Read more »
“Online dating works – people find love every day online. It’s one of the best ways for people over 40 to find a loving relationship.”
But, why do people find this necessary? What has happened in this country where human beings cannot establish human relationships and connections without resorting to cyberspace? Is it technology? Is it this ongoing de-socialization of America?
I just find the whole online dating thing rather puzzling….
I have no doubt that online dating works, but the way it works is more beneficial to women than for men. The balance of control and power in online dating is unequal in a way that favors women, regardless of their age. From the standpoint of the woman I suppose this is a good thing, but from the standpoint of the man it is not. So it is a question of how much time, emotional effort and money a man should spend on a dating method that is inherently skewed out of their favor. For me personally I value an… Read more »
Online dating is absolutely horrible for men. Very Very few men get any success from it. Online dating is pretty much for women to get a massive range of men to choose from. The only people I know who talk about any success from online dating are women. The men I know have contacted A LOT of women and get barely 1 in 20 reply rate or lower. Women on dating sites tend to be pretty snobby and many are too lazy to reply to even good messages. Women have no idea what online dating is for men, as evident… Read more »
^this. The sheer amount of male attention (no matter how POOR) seems to go straight to their heads. The only women who I considered to be reasonably within my own “league” would ghost on a regular basis or flake out. They just have far too many options. Promiscuity has done great things for the top 10% or so of men, but it’s really done nothing for more regular guys who now seem to be “not even close to good enough” for the average woman. And in North America, the “average” woman is no great hell and “average” body type is… Read more »