Soothing female announcer voice: Presenting the Toddlie for Best Dramatic Trauma Sequence by a Toddler: comedian Jack Black, DJ Lance Rock and the award-winning cast of Yo Gabba Gabba.
Polite award show audience applause
Jack Black, stiffly reading presenter joke directly from teleprompter: Hey, DJ Lance. What do you call something that has one eye and looks like it was purchased from an adult toy store?
DJ Lance: Gee, Jack, I don’t know?
Jack Black: I’ll give you a hint: it answers to Muno.
Canned audience laughter
DJ Lance: Razzle dazzle! And now the nominees.
Video clips of five nominees shown
DJ Lance: And the Toddlie for Best Dramatic Trauma Sequence by a Toddler goes to…goes to…
A delay occurs when Brobee, who lacks opposable thumbs, attempts to open the envelope
DJ Lance: Give me that. The Toddlie goes to…Tax Credit #4!
Symphonic award-winner music plays, mixed with canned applause
Camera cuts to 20-month old Tax Credit #4 standing in his seat. His arms are raised triumphantly as a mixture of Goldfish crumbs, apple juice, and saliva coat his chin and the front of his tuxedo. He gives a slobbery, open-mouth kiss to his mom, then leans over and pulls off his dad’s glasses. Camera pans to his 3-year-old sister, aka Hellcat, performing a headstand in her seat while her older brothers engage in an epic lightsaber duel in the aisle, using rolled up programs.
Tax Credit #4 runs towards the stage, arms straight out, a la Frankenstein. His massive toddler “pumpkin head” threatens to tip him over at any moment. He stops to pick something shiny up off the floor, then continues.
Soothing female announcer voice: This is the first nomination and win for Tax Credit #4 in the category of Best Dramatic Trauma Sequence by a Toddler.
Tax Credit #4 ascends stairs and distractedly plays Peek-a-Boo with his own reflection in the teleprompter while teetering perilously close to the edge of the stage. The audience collectively gasps as people in the front row spring from their seats and rush forward with outstretched arms.
Tax Credit #4 clumsily pirouettes and weaves his way to DJ Lance Rock, snatches the Toddlie from Muno, and shuffles to the microphone.
Tax Credit #4: NO.
Cue the Your-Allotted-Time-Is-Up-Now-Step-Away-From-The-Mic music and phony audience applause. Tax Credit #4 rushes to the edge of the stage, awkwardly attempts to lift the Toddlie above his head and then hurls it into the audience.
Soothing female announcer voice: Coming up on the 2010 Toddlie Awards: Oscar the Grouch, the cast from The Backyardigans, a live performance by They Might be Giants, and the Toddlie for Best Crotch Grab in a Family Photo.
Fade to commercial.
Here’s the award-winning performance:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmMGAT3kjvg&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0]
—Photos Oscars: cliff1066TM/Flickr. Muno: marioanima/Flickr.
About Chase McFadden
About time you got some more widespread recognition for your hilarious and insightful blog Chase. Keep up the good work!
Funny stuff from an awesome dad and great man. Somespecieseattheiryoung is a must reading blog for me. Keep up the good work Chase. You the freakin man!
Nice Work! Your stories always make me smile and make my life seem very ordinary.
That’s great! I had to watch a second time to see if he was really that good. All at once I want to say congratulations and you’re in trouble daddy-o.
My favorite part: “Tax Credit #4 runs towards the stage, arms straight out, a la Frankenstein. His massive toddler “pumpkin head” threatens to tip him over at any moment. He stops to pick something shiny up off the floor, then continues.”
Love it!
I hope TC#4′s Toddlie hit Charlie Sheen in the head. That daddy could use a good thump on the head right now, no??
Just as funny the second time, Chase! Congrats again!
Wendy
@Kris Insightful? That’s a first. Thanks!
@Travis Thanks, man.
@Stephanie “Ordinary” in a not-changing-diapers-for-7-straight-years sort of way.
@Clay He wants the approval of the older three, and running in to walls scores big points. Yeah, we’re screwed.
@Thoughts #4 has a total mascot noggin. It’s huge. Put a cooler on your head and run around for a while. You’ll get a feel for it.
@Stacia Would Charlie Sheen notice getting hit in the head? He hasn’t lately.
@writerwoman61 Thanks, Wendy.
Chase, You truly deserve a/an (insert writing award name here because I don’t know any). I don’t have and never wanted kids of my own, so thanks for letting me live through you without getting poopy hands and all of the noise.
Thanks, Freeze. If you ever want a weekend loaner, let me know. We have a wide selection.