Andrew Smiler gives six guidelines to help guys decide if they should refuse sex.
If you’re like most American guys, you’ve probably never been told that you can refuse sex. In fact, you may have a hard time imagining that a guy would ever turn down sex unless he was in the middle of a massive heart attack.
Let me be clear about one thing. Guys are allowed to refuse sex by saying “not now” or just “no,” and their partners need to respect that decision.
Our cultural assumptions about male sexuality don’t allow for the possibility that a guy would ever choose to say “no.” Most parents don’t discuss the possibility either. Of course, only about half of boys, but three-quarters of their parents, say they had The Talk. And both sides agree that The Talk typically lasts less than 10 minutes and tends to focus on the “3 Don’ts;” don’t have sex, don’t get anyone pregnant, and don’t get a disease. That’s not much of a conversation.
Girls and women get a different message. In American culture, they’re positioned as the decision-makers, deciding how “far” the guy—and thus the couple–can go. They’re more likely to have The Talk and, on average, it lasts longer and covers more topics, including how to decide when it’s OK to have sex. Seventeen and other magazines for girls also discuss this piece of decision making, providing yet more information and perspective. I’ve never seen that conversation in magazines teen boys read, like Sports Illustrated and WWE Magazine, even though those magazines have plenty of half-naked women. I know Maxim and it’s ilk don’t talk about it either.
This lack of discussion means that guys need to develop their own standards with little to no input from others that might help them figure it out. This becomes very apparent when reading the academic research on first sex. Indiana University researcher Mary Ott reviewed that literature and discovered that boys routinely tell researchers they lost their virginity when “they were ready,” but most boys couldn’t meaningfully say why they were ready; they just were. As far as I can tell, that’s how dudes approach sex with the rest of their partners too; they somehow just know they’re ready.
So, here are 6 questions a guy can ask himself to help figure out if he’s ready to have sex with a new partner. Parents can use these questions to help boys think about sex in a more detailed manner than they otherwise might. And I want to be clear that these are questions about the first time with a new partner; the decision to have sex, or not, with an ongoing partner raises other questions.
I’m writing based on my knowledge of guys who have female partners. I think the questions still work for guys with male partners, but I’m less clear how those dyads make decisions, so I might be missing something.
Before answering these questions, there’s one other thing it’s important to consider: is this sexual experience part of an ongoing relationship or a one-time hookup?
- You’re buzzed, drunk, high, or otherwise under the influence. If yes, then it sounds like this probably isn’t–or shouldn’t–be your night. If you need to be drunk or high, then it’s rarely a good idea. And if you’re not capable of operating a motor vehicle, then you should keep your hands off the stick shift.
- Your partner is buzzed, drunk, high or otherwise under the influence. If it’s not a good idea for you when you’re impaired, then it’s not a good idea for your partner either. And as we learned in Steubenville, having sex with someone who is unable to give consent meets the legal definition of rape, as it should. (And yes, I believe that should be true regardless of gender.)
- You’re trying to impress your friends. If the sex is about someone that’s not in the room, then you shouldn’t be having sex. This isn’t about morality. If you’re having sex with A because you want to impress B, then B’s the person you should be having sex with, not A.
- Your best reason is “why not?” If that’s all you’ve got, then you’re not ready. Why not go home and jerk off? Let me be clear: I think “I just want to get laid” is a fine reason, as long as you’re honest and up front about it and your partner is OK with it. But there’s a difference between “I want to get laid” and “why not?”
- You’re not sure you want to. If you have any doubt about having sex with a new partner, then wait. And I really mean doubt here, not just nervousness about being with someone new, worries about someone seeing your naked body, or performance anxiety. If it’s someone who you hope to have an ongoing relationship with, then the odds are good that you’ll have another chance. If your partner isn’t cool with waiting or threatens to end the relationship because you won’t have sex, that’s a sign you’re not being respected and that you might need to reconsider the relationship. If this is just a hookup, take your doubts seriously. You can probably hook up with someone else when you’re ready; odds are your decision about who to hook up with was mostly spontaneous, based on availability and physical attractiveness with little or no consideration of personality.
- The last time you were alone with this person, did you kiss or fool around with them? If you did and it was good, you may well be ready to take the next step and have sex. If no one is stoned, it’s not about your friends, you’ve got a better reason than “why not,” and you don’t have any doubts, then I think you’re ready.
Once you’re sure you want to have sex, go for it. Respect your self and your partner, be safe, use condoms, and have a good time.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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If you think she is just playing games and/or hitting you up for free drinks.
When should a man turn down sex? Whenever the hell he wants to. End of story.
Pretty simple: don’t do anyone crazier than you are. Yes, you’ll be able to tell. Yes, I know that these are the most available people.
Actually, cannabis is a fantastic sense enhancer. You should definitely have sex high.
Andrew Smiler,
I really liked this and while I have talked to my older son about this to some extent I will make sure to do it more. I should have thought of this for my recent blog about things we gals talk about all of the time that may be helpful for men.
I turned down sex without even realizing it last night, I must be a pro. My partner asked me if we could go lie down in bed. I was tired and didn’t want to spend the night, so I said I’d rather stay sitting on the couch. Today she said that she had wanted us to have sex. I said that I suspected that, but since I hadn’t wanted to spend the night, that would definitely have led to me sleeping there if we had. On another occasion, I was experiencing some bodily discomfort and told her I wasn’t up… Read more »
My apologies for the grammar and punctuation in that word salad.
It is all about choice and agency. When we tell girls/young women that they MUST say “no,” that is not a choice and they have no agency. As parents, we hope they are going to say “no” until they are ready, (though) we really hope they are going to say “no” until we are ready. We have to let them know it is a choice and give them the information, love and support they need to make the right choice. The same for boys/young men. When we tell them that they MUST say “yes,” that is not a choice and… Read more »
This is a very lovely comment, and I’m happy that I read it.
Sisyphus, yours is one of the best comment I ever read about sexuality.
Simple, effective and straight to the point. Kudos!
#7 When you become a mature man, you realize that some women just are not worth fucking. This is what separates a man (principled, restrained, standards of decency and conduct) from a male (base, primal, animalistic, will fuck anything).
Sometimes it’s not her per-say, but the unwanted / unwarranted change to the work/social/family dynamic that makes it a better choice to forgo a “simple” roll in the hay. Not that in the current social climate “simple” ever really applies, all too often many women see even casual sex as transactional, you owe her one for sexual access, instead of seeing an encounter as simple mutual pleasure.
beautifully said, Jules. Many women do not deserve the “man” you describe.
I think we can conclude that there are a lot more reasons to not have sex than to have sex. There may be times when you have no reason to have sex at all. Earth shattering I know…
“I think we can conclude that there are a lot more reasons to not have sex than to have sex.”
The problem is that men need to have a reason not to have sex and they’re judged by their reason.
Who cares? Let the judges judge, and to hell with them.
I would also add, that a responsible man should “say no” when he knows that his partner sees the sex as carrying more meaning than it has for him. #4 kind of touches on this, but I think it needs to be made explicit. If both partners are down for casual sex, excellent–go for it. But if you are ready for casual sex and your partner thinks sex is a sign that you’re moving into a relationship… put the breaks on. For the sake of everyone’s mental health.
I disagree. That advice assumes women are children and that it is OK to have their decisions overridden by men in order to protect them from themselves. What the man should do if he know his partner sees the sex as carrying more meaning than he does (and how does he know this? Has the woman communicated this clearly? Or is he just assumed to know this based on the stereotype that sex means more for women?) is to communicate how he sees the sex. The woman is an adult being and can then decide for herself whether she wants… Read more »
The woman is an adult being and can then decide for herself whether she wants to have sex or not under the given circumstances.
Agreed. This whole “a real man should anticipate how a woman is feeling and act accordingly” bit pretty much feeds into the expectation that men should be able to read women’s minds rather than giving the woman space to say what is on her mind. Why can’t there just be communication where both of them are upfront about what they are looking for when it comes to sex?
One thing I’ve learned during my many summers on this planet is that I suck at mind-reading. So, I usually rely on “asking questions” instead.
Hi Keti
Well said :
✺”a responsible man should “say no” when he knows that his partner sees the sex as carrying more meaning than it has for him”✺
The day both men and women are emotional honest sexually and never dishonest about what is going on then lots of problems will be prevented.
@Iben…
Hello!
“The day both men and women are emotional honest sexually and never dishonest about what is going on then lots of problems will be prevented.”
Amen!
http://www.xojane.com/issues/stacey-rambold-cherice-morales
The last paragraph in this article:
‘What I needed, and what she needed, were strong male role models in my life who knew how the fuck to say “No thanks” to a little girl’s come-ons. Because it doesn’t matter if a young girl is saying yes, it’s an adult man’s job to say no.’
Slightly different angle here – but graciously put
About 20 years ago some friends wanted to drop by a friend of theirs home to play on his playstation. I didn’t know him, but went to tag along. When we got there he wasn’t home, but his wife let us in. She immediately started chatting me up. Don’t I know you? Didn’t we meet at this party? I was being polite and didn’t think anything of it. After a few minutes, a friend interrupted and said don’t mind her she hits on every guy. We sat down. The guys started playing. I stopped playing video games after Atari so… Read more »
#7 – For my married/LTR buddies out there
“Do not EVER have sex with a woman who thinks, talks, or acts in ways that show she does not want it with you.”
This is the quickest way to lose her respect, and more importantly, self-respect. Pity sex, obligation sex, let’s get it over with sex, and alright but make it quick sex are worst types of sex you can have.
Then, get to the bottom of WHY she feels that way.
If you’re perfect, then why are you still with her?
If you’re not perfect, what needs to change?
http://goodguys2greatmen.com/goodguys/a-married-mans-path-back-to-intimacy/
#8 Don’t have sex with a woman who throws herself at every guy she sees or if you feel there is something not right. I was at a party where a woman hit on every guy there. Something wasn’t right. One guy at the party decided to take her up on it. About 8 months later she was telling him that he was a daddy. His boys were telling him to do the math. Protect yourself.
“Then, get to the bottom of WHY she feels that way.
If you’re perfect, then why are you still with her?
If you’re not perfect, what needs to change?”
Then decide if she’s worth changing for.
I’m always puzzled by this type of response. Why would a man have to consider the “worth” of the woman he is with before deciding to change himself. When it comes to understanding our role and our attractiveness in sexual relationships, the ONLY reason to change is because WE want to…regardless of who we are with and what we hope to gain from them. We change in accordance with OUR values, not theirs. I believe this is hugely important and removes the confusion for men who continually change themselves (the “performance”) to win the acceptance of a woman they deem… Read more »
I misunderstood you, but sometimes it’s not an issue of being perfect, right, or wrong. People could disagree on whether a roll of toilet paper should hang from the front or the back. Even with sex people compromise and it’s not that anyone is necessarily right or wrong. If one partner wants it 4 times a week and the other 2, neither are wrong and never let anyone tell you your needs are wrong. If you can’t compromise, then both or either person doesn’t feel the other is worth it.
Actually I’m speaking about women that I had and showed no interest in………I was supposed to jump at the chance, not doing so was a major issue with them. I’m far from pretty/handsome/tall /thin and that seemed to make it worse to them. The majority of the times it happened in my life I was wearing a wedding ring……..not looking at all…….at most being personable. I suppose better looking guys deal with it more than me…….but if it’s happened a handful of times to troll-like me it’s not that uncommon.
Hi Trey, Hi Stephi, I think this part is more difficult. Mostly, we teach guys to want & chase sex and women to say yes/no. We’ve started teaching women to want & chase sex, but haven’t really spent any time telling them that guys might not want them. Or, for that matter, teaching guys that they can say no (and thus, my purpose in writing this). Guys know/learn early on that they’re going to be rejected a fair amount of the time, but girls & women seem to be unaware that it could/will happen to them. And nobody enjoys being… Read more »
@ trey1963
“The majority of the times it happened in my life I was wearing a wedding ring”
My friends and I have noticed this. Women find men more attractive when they already have a woman. I’m not sure if guys are more confident when they have a woman or if it’s forbidden fruit. I suspect that there are many reason. There are some guys who “target” married women because they feel they don’t need to worry about getting them pregnant. She may feel she’ll have more leverage in the relationship if he’s worried about losing his family.
My now-husband noticed that the minute we started dating and it became common knowledge, women started looking at him with more interest. Now these were mostly women in our church so no one threw herself at him or anything, it was just a sense of markedly increased female attention. I told him that women respect each other’s taste. Basically my friends were going “Hm, she wants him, there must be something to him I hadn’t noticed before.” Probably some of the more cynical reasons apply to women who are actually seeking sex with “taken” men, but the baseline may be… Read more »
This has happened to me, too … save for the wedding ring part because i’m not married, and i guess that makes it “worse” in a way…. a woman thinking that for a man to refuse sex when it’s plainly offered is a huge insult, because man is supposed to jump at any opportunity to have sex when it’s plainly offered. Well, let me tell you, i have options, and sex is not just about the mechanics. I’ve gotten really scathing texts to the effect that it’s so hugely insulting for a 40 year old man to refuse to have… Read more »
Contrary to Trey’s claim about women not taking it well many women are often more intrigued with a man who TACTFULLY declines sex. A mentally mature woman often has greater respect for a man who treats sex as something to be valued as opposed to just a new conquest. If your only experience with turning down women for sex involves “scorned” women then perhaps you should seek a different type of woman or modify your delivery.
Modify his delivery? Excuse me?
Can you imagine the reaction if I were to tell a woman who is complaining that guys get resentful or insulting if she declines sex with them to “modify her delivery”? I can, and it would not be good.
Maybe instead of putting the onus on him to “be nice” when he says no, maybe it should instead be on women to learn to gracefully accept rejection- the same way it’s supposed to be on men to do that.
First, who cares what her “reaction” is? A man who is consistently rejected in hurtful or disrespectful ways should be unconcerned and unapologetic for giving her tips that might help her decline sex in more productive and loving ways. If she can’t learn it from him, she better learn from somebody. Second, men (or women) have no onus to be “nice” when they are rejected. “Nice” would be weird. A productive and loving response (not *reaction*) would be acceptance and respect. A masculine response would be to hug her, kiss her on the cheek and go about your day as… Read more »
First, who cares what her “reaction” is?
Apparently there is some amount of caring because what Jax describes (telling a woman that she should “modify her delivery” if the guys she declines become resentful) would be called silencing and entitlement.
I don’t think the onus is to be nice but to be respectful. Such as respecting the decision of the person that just declined them. And being it a man or a woman that onus should be on the person that was just turned down.
“If your only experience with turning down women for sex involves “scorned” women then perhaps you should seek a different type of woman or modify your delivery.”
Because abusive n rude people have big signs on their forehead right? Remember when people tell abused women to stop dating abusive men and they say how charming he was, how he didn’t abuse her until after the marriage and the kids…..?
With all due respect Stephi why can’t both your and trey’s experiences be true?
@ Stephi I think that depends on where the relationship is and how often. If he says that he’s saving himself for marriage and they have never had sex, she may respect that. She may also move on to another boyfriend, which is OK, if she doesn’t agree. If it’s early in the relationship, women take it harder especially if she’s using sex as a “hook”. If they’ve had sex several times that she has initiated and the rejection is a rare occasion, she’s more likely to accept it as he’s not in the mood, although there are a lot… Read more »
I admit, if a man turned down sex, I would assume he was not attracted to me, and I’d probably feel a little down about myself. I hope I’d be polite but it is unlikely I’d ever initiate sex with him again. I’d assume he found me repulsive! 😉
Everyone has insecurities that’s why those look at me now shows are so popular. People dream that someday the person who rejected them will see how awesome they are and kick themselves of course it will be too late then. I’ve been rejected more times than I care to think about. That would probably make me a 3 or so. P.S. In grade school, I was a book worm. The girls didn’t pay much attention to me as I was no good in sports. In high school, I started weight lifting. I got into martial arts. I realized it wasn’t… Read more »
There are different kinds of declining sex — there is “let’s take our time, slow down, savor every moment” and there is the “i’m not interested in a long-term relationship so if that’s what you’re expecting then maybe we shouldn’t do this” …
Good luck with that……few women take it very well. Rejecting men is much easier than being rejected herself. One can expect public humiliation as a likely outcome or even worse. The old a woman scorned saying applies.
If this is the case, these women need to finish growing up.
Yes, they do, but there are a lot of women who need to finish growing up in many ways, just as there are many men who need to finish growing up. I’ve been the subject of wrath of a woman scorned on a couple occasions when i wanted to do the right thing and be totally honest about my feelings and intentions, and got really whacked in the nuts for it, pretty much. Generally it proves it was a good decision not to get too intimate with a person who retaliates for that decision, sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy, and… Read more »
Well, in that case, no big loss. If the woman behaves as you describe, I would consider myself lucky to have avoided getting further involved.
Let me be clear about one thing. Guys are allowed to refuse sex by saying “not now” or just “no,” and their partners need to respect that decision.
Sure we are.
I’m just curious about one thing. To whom are we (I) supposed to say no?
Hi FlyingKal
🙂
Hi Iben,
Is this where I’m supposed to say No?
I’m so confused…
A guy can say no to either:
himself/his expectations and what guys are “supposed to do.” This is more of a metaphorical “no.”
his partner, if s/he is pushing him to go farther than he wants
his friends who are pushing him to hookup even though he doesn’t want to.
A guy can say no to:
himself/his expectations and what guys are “supposed to do.” This is more of a metaphorical “no.”
his partner, if s/he is pushing him to go farther than he wants
his friends who are pushing him to hookup even though he doesn’t want to.
Hi Andrew,
I mean that in order to say no, first the opportunity and the question must arise.
Not all guys are ever subjected to that.
More than 90% of guys will have sex at some point in their life. This means the vast majority will have to address the question of “am I ready to have sex with this person?” even if that’s only an internal dialogue. I agree that’s not everyone, but it’s about as close we get.
Hi again,
Ah, you meant like I should be asking myself?
I took the “when to refuse” to mean that you were flirted with or asked by someone else.!
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Well, that happens too – at least that’s my experience. Women may in general be less direct about it, but they will certainly flirt, hit on, or suggest directly.
Also – there’s being in a longterm relationship. Sometimes your partner will desire sex when you do not. It’s OK for a guy to say “not tonight, hon”.
Hi Lars,
Should that event ever occure, I will be sure to contemplate this article.
What about when a woman does not ask for consent prior to sex?