Dr. Andrew Smiler discusses why we think so little of male sexuality.
—
When it comes to dating and sex, American don’t think highly of young men. Perhaps it’s all those politicians tweeting di** pics, all the male celebrities cheating on their partners, the perpetual stories of male undergrads assaulting their female peers, or the frequent stories about male teachers raping their female students. We hear it almost every week and it doesn’t really surprise us anymore. Seriously, why should it surprise us?
The bib and the onesie tell everyone that even baby boys are trying to get girls’ sexual attention.
|
After all, most of us have been told “guys are dogs” and “guys want sex, not relationships” since we were young. And I mean young. Infant wear, like the bib and the onesie above, tell everyone that even baby boys are trying to get girls’ sexual attention.
Mass media clearly serve as sexual educators and routinely provide this message. For fifty years, we’ve gotten a steady stream of promiscuous males as lead characters on comedies. Guys with names like Fonzie (Happy Days), Hawkeye (MASH), Sam (Cheers), Martin (Martin), Charlie (Two and a Half Men), and Barney (How I Met Your Mother) have been stunningly popular. The actors who play them have won awards for their roles, and the shows have won “best comedy” awards and had long runs.
That’s just the comedies. But comedies draw the biggest audiences of children and teens, boys and girls. These are the kinds of shows kids move on to when they leave the fantastical world of children’s programming.
Mass media clearly serve as sexual educators and routinely tell us guys are only interested in getting laid.
|
Commercials, especially those that air during sports programming, routinely show guys hooking up with hot women they’ve just met. And if you’re The Most Interesting Man in The World, it’s always two women. In music videos, especially (but not exclusively) from rap performers, it’s the same promiscuous and objectifying message: a small number of guys with lots of scantily clad women. In online porn, it’s all about hooking up with complete strangers.
For the record, it wasn’t always this way. If you look at comedies produced prior to 1970, the boys who were the main characters were responsible and more interested in dating than hooking up. Today, that guy is the sidekick and probably the butt of the joke, just like Charlie’s brother Alan on “Two and a Half Men.”
Nor does that image reflect reality. Decades of surveys tell us the group known as “males” is only somewhat interested in promiscuous sex. It’s the 25-15-5 pattern, in which 25% of guys say they’d like two or more partners in the next 30 days, 15% of guys say they’ve actually had 3 or more sexual partners in the last year, and 5% of guys say they’ve had 3 or more partners per year for the last 3 years. Most guys are not interested in having sex with a lot of people they’re not emotionally connected to or in a relationship with.
Mass media leave out a lot of things. Like what does “sexual health” mean?
|
Mass media leave out a lot of things. Like what does “sexual health” mean? Or how does a guy develop and maintain a good relationship, one where every problem isn’t worked out in 22 minutes and never discussed again. Our culture does a poor job of teaching boys how to deal with their feelings, and romantic relationships are all about feelings. Nor does our culture do a good job of teaching boys how to ask for consent or how to respond when they don’t get an explicit “yes.” Or that boys can say no.
Schools aren’t much help either. Or rather, schools are highly variable in how helpful they are. Only about half of all US school districts teach any form of sex education, and many of them rely on Abstinence-only curricula that reinforce the idea that most guys just want to get laid. Even if your child is getting sex ed, only 13 states require the content to be medically accurate.
Parents could be owning it here, but they’re not. Surveys of high school boys and undergraduate young men reveal that between half and three-quarters had some version of “The Talk” with their parents. But upwards of 90% of parents say they’ve had The Talk with their son, so a lot of talking is falling on deaf ears. Even when parents do talk to their sons, the conversation is much more likely to be about sex than relationships, typically covers fewer topics than daughters hear about, and often lasts less than 10 minutes. The most common messages: don’t get anyone pregnant, don’t get a disease, and don’t have sex (at all).
We need to do better, not just for boys, but also for the people they date and are sexual with.
|
The culture is failing us. Mass media emphasize messages that don’t reflect the reality of the average guy and schools barely address the subject. We can begin to make change by expanding the dating and sexual topics we discuss with boys. This video–a keynote address I recently gave–might also be a useful place to start. In the next few weeks, I’ll be providing more detail on what else parents, teachers, coaches, medical professionals, and other trusted adults can to change the image and practice of male sexuality. We need to do better, not just for boys, but also for the people they date and are sexual with.
—
This post is republished on Medium.
***
The Good Men Project gives people the insights, tools, and skills to survive, prosper and thrive in today’s changing world. A world that is changing faster than most people can keep up with that change. A world where jobs are changing, gender roles are changing, and stereotypes are being upended. A world that is growing more diverse and inclusive. A world where working towards equality will become a core competence. We’ve built a community of millions of people from around the globe who believe in this path forward. Thanks for joining The Good Men Project.
Support us on Patreon and we will support you and your writing! Tools to improve your writing and platform-building skills, a community to get you connected, and direct access to our editors and publisher. Your support will help us build a better, more inclusive world for all.
***
Photo credit: Author
“And if you’re The Most Interesting Man in The World, it’s always two women.” – I’d just like to add, two women that are old enough to be his granddaughters. I totally would support and help in creating a more sexually healthy culture for boys (and girls). I’m so tired of the culture we live in and the massive amount of sexual dysfunction. But part of that battle requires adults to admit to the dysfunction to begin with and too many people enjoy their short term pleasure over question the ethics of it. It’s my hope that we will start… Read more »
Erin you are right.
Industrialized agriculture is food production severed from the land, dissociated from land,the earth.
That creates suffering for animals and nature .
In the West now,something similar has happened to sexuality.
@ Paul “In other words, maybe while boys are limited in their emotional capabilities, might girls be “overschooled” in this area? Isn’t there some merit in emotional control and simplicity? Also, I don’t think it’s an unfounded stereotype that women engage in emotional manipulation much more than men” That’s an interesting theory. I’ve been thinking about this and believe the answers to be no and maybe, but I would think more likely than not. I don’t think women are necessarily over taught and I’m not sure if women are more manipulative than men, but wouldn’t be surprised to find out… Read more »
I love my parents, but they really ****ed in this area. As two introverts who met each other after after some awful relationships, they successfully convinced my sister and I that neither dating and sex were important in high school – plenty of time for all of that in college. Naturally, “all of that” was never really broached, and my parents ended up with two highly educated, well-traveled, ethical children who haven’t the faintest idea on how to have a healthy adult relationship and sex life. I don’t even know how to have an unhealthy one. The sister crossed that… Read more »
Thank you for sharing.
@D, thanks for sharing your story. My childhood was similar where it relates to sex in that it was something that I was taught to be between a husband and wife. My wife and I were both virgins and have had a healthy love making life for 40 years. In so far as socializing, my parents were not the “children are to be seen and not heard” we had a lot of interaction with adults and other kids. IMO, casual sex is over rated and I can tell ya, going to The Chicago Art Inst. during the height of “peace… Read more »
Having relationships is a skill, yet we treat it as if everyone should have an innate understanding of how to do it. I think shy/introverted people (I’m one) in particular think that knowing how to have relationships is jst a talent or a gift. Yet, the people who are best at building relationships (extroverts) actually study it quite a lot. Just like good athletes train a lot and study their sport. It only appears to come naturally, If you pay attention, you will realize that extroverts actually observe people very carefully. Maybe it is unconscious on their part but they… Read more »
Just stopping by to say goodbye, I will not be coming to GMP any longer. I wish you all the best in your life’s endeavors.
@ Tom,
Tom I am very sorry to hear you will not be contributing any longer. You are a great man with tremendous values. I truly enjoyed your comments. While we did not always agree I can honestly say I have great respect for you, your sense of honor, and your dedication to family and others. I will miss you and so will GMP.
Hopefully, I will see down the road somewhere.
Just remember, as President Reagan would often say, “The Best Is Yet To Come!’
The best to you.
Cheers!
@ Jules, Thank you
FYI, I wasn’t leaving because of this thread and by no means because of the commenters. It was because of a tasteless article that is no longer on the front page. It’s been moved to archives so the problem I had has been resolved.
Sooooo, I’m still here for now.
Thanks again.
Tom
I hope you come back one day in the future.
The fact that I do not understand how you feel right now, show how difficult it is to understand others .
I do not know anything about Family court in America , but I hope a democratic country like America can change the law and how it is used if it is unfair to one gender ,one class,one race ….
Digital detox is healthy .
Take care.
I’m here …. ;}
Thanks Andrew for this excellent piece. Great job..
If a man waits until divorce or family court/custody hearings to get emotional, that explains why he’s there. If you hide your emotions until family court or don’t take an opportunity to learn how to express yourself and your desires to your wife/family, you cannot expect anyone in the court system to begin to advocate on your behalf. Most women initiate proceedings because she’s tried over and over again to get things to be different outside the court room. You and your stoic, show no emotions except anger, resentment, jealousy, rage, condescension and pouting and having affairs (with your boys,… Read more »
Thank you Her …. In your brief response, you’ve managed to shut men down and have shown some of the reasons why guys don’t open up. “Listening” is a skill.
@ Her, “Most women initiate proceedings because she’s tried over and over again to get things to be different outside the court room.” Has she really? Let’s be honest. OK? I know many many women have indeed done so… But, we need to recognize that many of these women have just become bored with their husbands and want out of the marriage. Many will even tell you their husband is a good and decent guy but just no longer does it for them. Hence, it is not always as you say. “If you expect her to simply just know how… Read more »
And men have clearly seen what happens when they open up. We’re called all sorts of names for it. We’re told we are making women “feel uncomfortable”. We’re told to clam up and take it like a man again.
Simply put I agree that men need to be able to open up.
But remember you don’t get to put the genie back in the bottle if you don’t like what comes out.
Good point
Thanks Elwood.
Excellent article!
Hi Andrew
I like your article,your research and the video.
Your video should be used as a part of sex education. You talk about things nobody talk about in sex education in my country and we have sex education on the national television ,so I have watched some of the programs to see what is going on in.
You do it better than anyone I have seen.
Thanks Silke.
This really resonates. My high school aged son recently “hooked up” with a girl (made out) and was left feeling disappointed as all she wanted was that moment and he wanted a relationship. Of course that truth will be swept under the rug as he moves on acting like it was nothing.
My son crumbled after two break up’s. One young lady strung him along for months. Twice he asked her to poop or get off the pot, she’d cry and say she just wasn’t sure. When he’d start to cut back on seeing her, she’d call him and reel him back in. It wasn’t until he saw her with another guy that he know he’d been had.
I’ve seen similar happen with single guys in my circle of friends.
To be fair, some boys do the same thing, stringing girls along with the facade or promise of a relationship, while playing the field. Some men do that their whole lives.
I broke up with my college boyfriend because I found out he’d been pursuing another woman behind my back, and he was devastated and claimed I was the love of his life. Maybe so, but he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
Exactly Sarah
Some young men do the same thing.
I am surprised to see Tom think men are angels and women demons.
Men are now the madonna and woman the whore..
See things in black and white, see genders as all good and all bad….
Some people treat other badly and both men and women can end up being used.
I dont know if he see things like this. But I also know it generally portrayed that men are predatory and women as poor angels. I think its good when we turn the table around. We need also to have this unpleasant conversation about general female destructive behavior. It should not be a crime pointing out that women can be manipulative or violent. They can. So the conversation is needed.
Mr Supertypo
I agree with you 100% that we shall talk about destructive female behavior.
YES we shall. Of course we shall.
@ Silke,
“Men are now the madonna and woman the whore..”
LOL. A good one. You are great Silke!
So we talk about men and their issues with women and what do we get? Well men do this and that too….
No thanks, not interested.
Why not interested.
I will maybe make you angry with what I say here,but I take the chance:
your son should be warned by his parents before he started dating Tom.
I wish my parents had warned me but they did not.
When we date ,when we feel attraction and fall in love we still have to use our head and look for the red flags.
Men and women are both human being,and some human beings use others,some exploit others
Be prepared and do like Jules say ” trust but verify.”
Don’t be naive when you start dating .
@Silke The presumption is that my son and I didn’t talk about potential pit falls from early on. These difficult break ups didn’t occur in his pre or post teen years, they occurred as an adult in his late 20’s. It’s funny but the parents loved my son and encouraged their relationships. On the other hand, because he’d discuss issues with me, I’d see a side of the relationship that the girls parents didn’t have the benefit. In my presence, the young ladies were charming and very likable. I didn’t blast the young ladies, I spoke in generalities about “relationships”… Read more »
@ Tom,
Come on Tom. You’re better than this. You know it.
I know where you’re coming from…..In general we men are either doing something to women or not doing something for them. It’s all negative.
I think this conversation is somewhat different. It’s a healthy dialogue..
The big conversation by Andrew IS on point.
Jules, I’m not sure what you’re referencing here “Come on Tom. You’re better than this. You know it.”
I honestly wasn’t trying to derail Tom but all your comments sound like, women are evil manipulators, men are innocent victims.
You aren’t complaining about a woman thing. You’re complaining about a human thing. Human beings are self interested and generally try to do what is in their own benefit. That seems to bother you when you see it in women, but it’s how people are. Men included. That’s why as Silke said, a wise person has to trust but verify.
I think what Tom is talking about is that when men do such things its patholgized across the entire gender. “It’s something men do.” But when women do its not done that way. “Oh she’s just an outlier. Not all women are like that.” And I have to agree with Tom a bit. When men are called on doing this its “men feel entitled to this…” “men manipulate women that…” but when women are called on it suddenly “its not a gender thing, its a gender thing”. Now I would be okay if down the line when men are called… Read more »
Excellent article. I really enjoyed the lecture video as well. While I appreciate your approach, and agree with it whole-heartedly, my mind, as it always does, kept bringing up questions of gender equality. For example, when you refer to the limited tool box that we give boys for emotional growth and understanding, would the opposite point of view have some merit? In other words, maybe while boys are limited in their emotional capabilities, might girls be “overschooled” in this area? Isn’t there some merit in emotional control and simplicity? Also, I don’t think it’s an unfounded stereotype that women engage… Read more »
Paul
Do women manipulate emotionally more than men?
Are you sure about that?
Men in general ,as a group have more emotionally honesty and have more integrity than women ?
I don’t think so.
Not showing any feelings at all ,is that not also a way to be emotional dishonest and manipulative ?
Pretending all the time that you feel something else than you actually feel deep inside so that others will believe you are someone else than you actually are .
I know you asked Paul but I’ll throw my 2 cents in. Just because a man doesn’t show his emotions on his sleeves doesn’t mean he doesn’t show emotion. I completely agree with Paul and have seen it first hand countless times. You don’t have to go any further then family court to see how women manipulate. And this isn’t just me saying this, my wife believes the same as she has seen the same. Why do you think men are giving up on women? They’re tired of the game playing. In so far as “not showing emotions”… you’re kidding… Read more »
Tom
Men often tell women that they are not mind readers.
Here you say all women are mindreaders , Of course we are not !
Women can not read minds any more than men can.
Your comment make no sense.
Men honest emotionally and all women lie?
No men with personality disorders ,just women?
Women initiate divorce because they are manipulative emotionally?
All this you say here makes no sense Tom.
But I agree with you that it looks like men and women in America is not fond of each other ,and do not treat each other well.
Where did I say “all women” anything?
Women historically have manipulate the family courts …
@ Silke, “But I agree with you that it looks like men and women in America is not fond of each other ,and do not treat each other well.” Now you get the big picture…So, let’s work from the big picture to the small window. Tom, I think is painting with too broad a brush. Yes, there are many women who are bonafide manipulators. But, women are emotionally healthier beings compared to men I would argue. Most important, women can read men (and our intentions) much better than men can read women (and their intentions). I believe this is just… Read more »
“women can read men (and our intentions) much better than men can read women (and their intentions).” Interesting comment in that it relates to he article and that is some women presume what the man’s interests are based upon a society that’s made men to appear to be sexual beings with limited emotions. Accordingly their reading men is inaccurate. Then there is the proverbial “judging the book by it’s cover.” My son is a big guy (looks a light skin African American) with dreads down to he middle of his back. Through the years my son has encountered several situations… Read more »
Hi Jules
A warm hug !
It often warms my heart to read your comments.
You are still in the fight!
So am I .
Hi Jules
A warm hug !
It often warms my heart to read your comments.
You are still in the fight!
So am I .
And maybe women have a gift of intuition or maybe we just try harder and as Smiler say we use more time learning about relationships .
I do not trust this Psychology today but this article is still interesting:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/everyday-mind-reading/200901/where-is-womens-intuition
Tom Do we misunderstand each other? I hope we do. I sincerely hope you do not think women lie when they tell how painful it is to be married to or be in a romantic relationship with a man that show no feelings. You say women know men feel the emotions they do not show. You have no idea Tom. You here invalidate all women that tell how hard it is and you say they actually know what the man feels even if he express no feelings. All we can do is guess Tom and I guess wrong again and… Read more »
I think it’s best that you and I agree to disagree, you read far too much into what I say. I’ve invalidated no one.
Where did I tell a women what it feels like to be a women?
But remember those words Silke, don’t tell us men what it feels like to be a man. Fair?
Tom Fair enough. And this conversation that no one else is having can is a difficult conversation. I do not ask any man to show his emotions on his sleeves. Sometimes I wonder if men misunderstand me when I say I would like to know how he feels. To simply express emotions with word is more than enough for me. Like saying ” I am worried”, ” I uncomfortable ” ” this is scary this terrorist attack in Paris yesterday”. If men are not permitted to express emotions from day one,then it becomes impossible for them to regulate emotions later… Read more »
@ Tom, If I might interject on behalf of BOTH of my dear friends.. I think what you are saying is this: A woman knows what can really hurt a man emotionally, even if he does not show it. He is suffering and dying on the inside. Often some women will do these things to a man knowingly and intentionally. This is behavior that is more likely to be done by a woman to a man than a man to a woman. All women are NOT manipulators. Nor are all men. Women tend to be the more emotionally savvy of… Read more »
Relationships used to lead to marriage and marriage used to be a lifetime commitment. In the 60s and 70s relationships became different. You had free love and I don’t need a man. Did the media cause that change or were they reflective of it?
Good question John. I think it’s both: media causes change and also reflects it.
Yes, Dr. Smiler. I love it. A woman recently asked me, “What do guys think when they are in relationships?” I responded saying, “It depends on what they were taught or shown about relationships.” For me, I was taught and shown through negative material. It is taking years of reprogramming to get to a better mindset. Thank you for this article.
You’re welcome John. I’m glad you’ve been de-programmed.