The recent Newsweek article on The Growing Demand for Prostitution is leading to some needed and heated discussion about male sexuality. Leslie Bennetts’ piece is based on a brand-new study of men who buy sex, and the first shock is how much difficulty the researchers had finding men who didn’t pay for sex.
…buying sex is so pervasive that (the researchers) had a shockingly difficult time locating men who really don’t do it. The use of pornography, phone sex, lap dances, and other services has become so widespread that the researchers were forced to loosen their definition in order to assemble a 100-person control group.
“We had big, big trouble finding nonusers,” Farley says. “We finally had to settle on a definition of non-sex-buyers as men who have not been to a strip club more than two times in the past year, have not purchased a lap dance, have not used pornography more than one time in the last month, and have not purchased phone sex or the services of a sex worker, escort, erotic masseuse, or prostitute.”*
The second shock is about men’s honesty – or lack thereof – around this issue.
In the past 24 hours I’ve gotten at least a dozen requests to address this Newsweek piece, almost all of them from women. And several asked me the same plaintive question: are men really like this? One woman wrote, “Now I’m looking at all the men I know, and wondering what it is they’re really doing – and thinking.” Another wrote, “I’m so depressed. It seems like it’s impossible to find a man who isn’t addicted to porn.”
What’s so frustrating isn’t just the percentage of men who pay for sex. It’s the percentage of men who lie about it to their wives and girlfriends, or who minimize the frequency of their porn use. “I used to have a problem with porn” is the grim equivalent of the famous “I used to have an eating disorder.” All too often, that’s wishful thinking if not outright deception. Frequently, what guys try to explain away as a past problem is instead an ongoing habit.
Because so many men are dishonest about sex, either lying directly or being “economical with the truth” about their private behavior, women are left feeling unsafe and mistrustful. Of course, not every single man uses porn or buys sex in other forms. But a great many do, as Newsweek reminds us, and they do include husbands and boyfriends, brothers and fathers, bosses and teachers, coaches and co-workers. That so many women are unsettled by that reality is as much a reflection of what they don’t know about the men in their lives as what they do.
Before we can have the important debate between those who advocate for abolition and those who push for decriminalization of sex work (a key point in the Newsweek article), we need to first get honest about what we’re doing when no one’s watching.
I’ve heard from many guys who tell me that they lie about porn (and the other kinds of sex they may buy) because, as one put it to me, “women go ballistic when you tell them the truth.” But it’s not women’s job to ratchet down their anger in order to make it safe for men to get real. We owe it to the women we love – and to ourselves – to have the courage to name what it is we’re doing and how often we’re doing it.
Whatever your beliefs about porn and prostitution, we should be able to agree that the women (and men) who do sex work deserve to be treated with human dignity rather than contempt. In the same way, wives and girlfriends deserve the truth. It’s not too much to expect, and it’s not too much to ask.
* Lots of guys say that they only look at free porn online, and they object to being lumped in with those who use cash or credit to buy access to sex. But of course, virtually all “free” porn sites are supported by advertisers who often pay based on web traffic. Each visit is monetized one way or another; anyone who thinks he isn’t contributing financially to the industry because he isn’t paying doesn’t understand the economics of the web.
photo by carabendon / Flickr
On another article on this site, there is a fat woman whining how easy it is for her to get casual sex with fit young men. On yet another forum on casual sex there are women joking “Men would shtupp anything that moves..there is really no honor in getting laid for us” What I want women and Hugo Shywyzer to realize and appreciate is, that it is not easy for most men to be promiscuous. most men dont get that option. Casual sex, FWB’s, hookups, Flings elude most men. For most men the only way is to pursue a SINGLE… Read more »
The demonization and shaming of men and male sexuality, that this guy does, is nauseating.
Totally agree with Skeptic… This article is meant to put massive feelings of guilt over men. I don’t think I should ever be “ethically” suppposed to tell a woman, or any other person, the truth about how I satisfy my sexual drives when she’s not around or willing. I think sex is a primary basic drive, just like food.
“We owe it to the women we love – and to ourselves – to have the courage to name what it is we’re doing and how often we’re doing it.” O RLY? Hugo, no. We don’t “owe” anything to someone due to loving them. Love is not a debt. When you love someone you’re not obligated to reveal every minute detail of your life which might potentially be uncomfortable. Are women honest about how much they masturbate? How much they might ogle other guys? How much money came into the equation? Hopefully, sure, but someone not wanting to openly discuss… Read more »
I occasionally use the services of sex workers. I beleive they are not forced, drug addicts, trafficked or extremely poor. They work indepdendently, have fewer clients and only take new clients by reference. they are not high end escorts and some have regular day jobs as waitress or maids. I dont have any disrepsect for sex workers, infact I have a lot of respect for them. I am always courteous and polite to them and we agree the terms beforehand. I pay for sex because I dont want to get married or pursue a woman for a relationship now. But… Read more »
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You can really tell we live in a sex-negative culture when using sexual services is viewed as a social problem of sorts. It is the oldest profession for a reason, people–as long as we can ensure it is safe for the workers involved, I don’t see a problem with it. I would be angry if a partner lied about it, but I don’t give my partners any reason to lie about it or be uncomfortable. As a bisexual woman, I encourage my partners to use feminist/queer sex-positive porn, incorporate it in our sex life, and have no objection to going… Read more »
I’m sure it’s been said before, but one of the things that troubles me about the article is lumping porn usage in with visiting a prostitute. This may be one reason it was so hard to find anyone who had never done any of the things on their list. It also makes it confusing to talk about relationships and honesty. No woman should ever have to put up with a partner who is getting lap dances or visiting a prostitute. It’s completely reasonable to dump a guy who has or to never get involved with a john. It’s not going… Read more »
I so don’t need male “feminists” who buy into the same rigid gender essentialism that conservatives do and act as though they need to “protect” me from Teh Big Bad Pron, thank you very much. I read and even write plenty of graphic material myself. I guess that makes me… what, not a Twoo Womban or something, according to your theory? Also, Melissa Farley is completely full of crap, and since I’m childfree and uninterested in getting married ever, people here can spare me their heteronormative, pro-natalist views on why Pr0n is Bad. Also, Hugo, I’m completely unsurprised to find… Read more »
I agree with the spirit of this post. Men who use sex services, lie about it, and know that their S.O. doesn’t want them to use it are absolute filth of the worst kind. Not because they use sex services. But because they have the audacity to enter into a relationship on false premises, and then pretend as if they don’t understand why anyone would be so angry when their deceptions and lies are uncovered. If you have a visceral and fundamental objection to the bedrock foundations of what constitutes a “relationship” or “monogamy” in your partner’s mind, why are… Read more »
“Men who use sex services, lie about it, and know that their S.O. doesn’t want them to use it are absolute filth of the worst kind.”
Worse than men who actually rape, torture, and kill other humans?
Give me a break. This is just the type of hysteria that drives men into underground shame over their sexuality.
It’s called hyperbole for the affect of expressing my extreme disapproval. It’s a fairly common writing style, and I don’t like being accused of bad faith for someone that both you and I know I surely didn’t allege. I really don’t care about whether or not people use porn. I expressed as much when I explicitly said “not because they use sex services,” and then continued with, “but because they have the audacity to enter into a relationship on false premises, and then pretend as if they don’t understand why anyone would be so angry when their deceptions and lies… Read more »
talk about high drama. Your response is over-the-top. I don’t see the correlation to the original arguement at all.
You sir, are wrong and stupid. I also believe that your man-card is revoked.
Going back in time here a bit. I’ve heard from many guys who tell me that they lie about porn (and the other kinds of sex they may buy) because, as one put it to me, “women go ballistic when you tell them the truth.” But it’s not women’s job to ratchet down their anger in order to make it safe for men to get real. We owe it to the women we love – and to ourselves – to have the courage to name what it is we’re doing and how often we’re doing it. Okay from this passage… Read more »
“But it’s not women’s job to ratchet down their anger in order to make it safe for men to get real.” No, it is. If you want me being honest, you have to deserve it. If someone (man or woman doesn’t matter) is “punished” because he has been honest, is any surprise he won’t be as straightforward the next time? Trust is something you have to win, not something granted. If you behave like my enemy, how could I be your ally? I’m naturally quite honest and straightforward… but I learned (the hard way) that not everybody deserves my truth.… Read more »
I was just thinking about something this morning. I think some men hide their porn use because they don’t want to feel disapproved of. (I am not suggesting that I think this is a good reason to hide it but it is a reason why men might hide it.) They want to feel accepted within their relationship. And I think some women dislike porn use because it also makes them feel that they aren’t being accepted for who they are as women in the relationship and sexually. So we have both sides of the coin that want to feel accepted… Read more »
Erin, I don’t enjoy most porn either. It’s boring, unimaginative, and it’s not clear the woman is actually getting off. I seek out porn that I do like. I often share it with others in my life. The men have always been grateful and ask me where I find it. Many times, they want good porn as well that honors both women and men but don’t know where to look. I understand there’s a lot of negative messages out there about women’s bodies. It’s true. It does cause insecurities. I know I feel them from time to time. But, when… Read more »
I really am sincerely curious why many guys feel that their sexuality and their sexual fulfillment is intrinsic to porn use ….strip clubs…the sex trade in general. Because they are getting something out of porn that they are not getting in their relationship? Now hold up a moment on that one. People seem to think that that “something” is inherently better than the woman they are in the relationship with therefore porn must be bad. That’s not necessarily the case. That something could be something he wants to try but he’s afraid she’ll deny it or perhaps deny it and… Read more »
“‘I really am sincerely curious why many guys feel that their sexuality and their sexual fulfillment is intrinsic to porn use ….strip clubs…the sex trade in general.’ Because they are getting something out of porn that they are not getting in their relationship? Now hold up a moment on that one. People seem to think that that “something” is inherently better than the woman they are in the relationship with therefore porn must be bad. That’s not necessarily the case. That something could be something he wants to try but he’s afraid she’ll deny it or perhaps deny it and… Read more »
Porn use isn’t cheating, and girls need to chill the fuck out about it. Seriously. It’s irrational. Just like men freaking out that their girlfriends having sex toys. A vibrator isn’t a replacement for intimacy. It’s a tool for getting off. Same as porn. *You might say that the difference is that the girlfriend’s toy doesn’t have the bad ethical aspects that porn does, since the porn industry is exploitative. Well, if I had that moral issue, I’d find my partner ethical porn. Perhaps made by feminist, vegan amateurs. Because I care about him being happy and I’m not some… Read more »
Oh Stephan!
If you weren’t gay, I’d totally date you! 😉
Stephan, porn use isn’t cheating to *you*. And that’s great. But everyone should be allowed to set the perimeters of their own relationship based on what they are comfortable with. Refering to women as “jealous psychos” doesn’t do anything to help the converation and it’s not even a health or honest protrayl about what’s going on with women.
Yes, but Stephan does make an excellent point which is that gay male couples rarely view porn as an issue in their relationship. They know one or both of them view it. They know it isn’t cheating. They know it doesn’t mean a thing about they feel for each other. It’s a non-issue. One does have to wonder why women are so eager to pathologize this behavior and why they are so threatened by it.
You don’t know every single gay couple out there, and neither does Stephen. Individuals are individuals. Porn is cheating in my relationship, and my fiance has no problem with this viewpoint. When he first mentioned his porn viewing, I was honest with him and did not go ballistic. I simply explained why I felt it was cheating, and he had no problem putting it away because he respects me enough and knows porn is not a need for him. It’s silly to feel a partner is demanding or jealous or controlling when he or she stops asking you to view… Read more »
Would you be willing to share with us why you feel that it’s cheating? Because I just can’t understand that, and it appears that I’m not alone in that.
Here’s a quote from Dan Savage: “But of all the issues I get letters about form straight couples, battling over porn—it’s use, it’s production, it’s concealment—is right up there in the top three…I never, however, get letters from gay men expressing the same sentiment, more proof that gay men are men first and gay second. For us, it seems, porn is a non-issue.” (http://chemistry.typepad.com/the_great_mate_debate/2007/08/reading-about-p.html) I’m happy for you that you’ve found yourself a partner who doesn’t watch porn. Maybe I don’t NEED my Jupiter wand, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to give it up. Maybe I don’t NEED… Read more »
Jupiter wands, erotic short stories and other such things are more easily seen as enriching a woman’s sexual life and opening it. Yet anything man would use is sure as h*ll not seen “enriching” nor “opening”. The sexuality of men is demonized at every turn.
It’s silly to feel a partner is demanding or jealous or controlling when he or she stops asking you to view porn. How hard is it to give up something you don’t need, assuming you’re not addicted? Couldn’t you just as easily say that it would be silly to feel a parther is cheating or “has no respect for women” or “doesn’t accept women the way the are” for watching porn? How hard is it to just have a “don’t watch it when I’m around” policy? Why a “you have to get rid of that” policy? What I’m getting at… Read more »
“How hard is it to give up something you don’t need, assuming you’re not addicted?” Forgive me for taking that quote a little out of context, but I’m trying to point out that it may not be a perfect rule to follow. The vast majority of things in a relationship are not really necessary, in fact intimate relationships themselves are not strictly necessary, but that does not mean that they are all expendable. Husbands and boyfriends don’t technically need sex. Wives and girlfriends don’t technically need conversation from their partners. No one absolutely needs TV shows, movies, or the internet.… Read more »
Hugo, I swear you are the Joseph Keller of feminist male bashing. You just got done writing a series of posts about how it’s perfectly okay for women to be “economical with the truth” when they fail to tell their husbands that they might not really be the real fathers. I guess that’s perfectly reasonable, but men be damned if they watch a little porn. Then you wrote about how we really shouldn’t celebrate men’s sexuality until men learn to stop making women feel unsafe and mistrustful. And here you are now saying that men who are compelled to keep… Read more »
I forgot to finish my thought, above 🙁 I meant to say it’s a free world: women can choose to watch porn just as easily as men. If women really wanted to, men would be lined up around the block with job applications to Chip and Dale’s opening on every block. If women don’t feel compelled to do it, it just means that they are slightly different from men. So why come into a discussion about male sexuality by stigmatizing it right off the bat? Why is it that no matter what men do, Hugo’s response is that men are… Read more »
What aspects of male sexuality would you celebrate that you feel aren’t currently celebrated? I’m curious because it seems like male sexuality, the male view of sex and of women and male sexual needs and desires are celebrated in our culture everywhere — just look at the prevalence of porn. I see very little evidence that male sexuality is being squelched in any way.
Jill, that’s really an excellent question. I would say that the real answer requires an understanding of what it actually means to celebrate something and an understanding of what that thing actually is. I would hardly say that our society celebrates porn. If that was the case, we’d let our kids watch Debby Does Dallas before we ever considered letting them watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and husbands would be at ease to openly discuss these aspects of their sexuality with their wives. But that’s porn, it’s hardly everything. Start at something as basic as the penis and how society… Read more »
Well, vaginas aren’t flashed in films either, and male breasts are constantly shown, so what’s your point?
You’re dissembling. Full frontal nudity is in fact more common for women than for men and female breasts are considered to be sexual by society, maybe because they serve a reproductive function. And it’s not because women are being exploited or objectified, but because the male form is vilified. Clearly, you’re missing the point and not seeing the alternatives. Compare our culture to classical and renaissance art where male and female nudity both played a prominent role and were celebrated to an equal extent. Compare ours to classical cultures where they didn’t just enjoy pornography, but literally embraced it right… Read more »
Hi Dungone, those are good points (although I have to say that many people, including women, feel that vaginas are as gross as penises, if not grosser!) I would love to think that men feel there is more to their own sexuality than porn and 5 min. of P in V. I wish more men would talk about that. In my own sex life, for example, I’ve learned that many men love cuddling after sex even more than I do even though that’s contrary to the stereotype. Traditional gender stereotypes harm men as much as women.
I’ve seen some surveys that show that men consistently place more importance on cuddling than women do. I don’t have a link, but I think you’re onto something with that observation.
I would love to think that men feel there is more to their own sexuality than porn and 5 min. of P in V. I bet a lot of men do but I bet there are those that don’t but if its not then that’s no reason to villify them (and there are a ot of people who really do come down hard on men who actually fit that stereotype as if there is no possible and honest way he could have developed it on his own). And there’s also a matter of mood. Sometimes there will be times when… Read more »
Hi Danny, well I didn’t mean to demonize anyone, but what I meant by “porn and 5 min of P in V” was the negative cultural stereotype that presents men as walking penises who spend their lives going around looking for convenient orifices to stick themselves into. Unfortunately that’s what’s presented in most porn I’ve seen. Here’s a big dick, here’s an orifice to stick it in, yay. Honestly, most porn bores me more than it offends me. Of course, in a real sexual relationship, sometimes it’s fun to be quick and dirty, and sometimes my partner and I have… Read more »
> In the same way, wives and girlfriends deserve the truth. It’s not too much to expect, and it’s not too much to ask. Except that I would imagine that most wives and girlfriends do not expect, nor want, the whole truth. Or husbands and boyfriends for that matter. I think a lot of us are perfectly happy to know intellectually that our partners use porn and masturbatory aids, without wanting to know the exact type, frequency, or any other details. Just because we are in a relationship, doesn’t mean we feel the need to control or be involved in… Read more »
“… it’s not women’s job to ratchet down their anger in order to make it safe for men to get real. ”
I wonder, Hugo, if you feel the same way about a man who goes ballistic over a woman’s use of porn,
or perhaps her use of a vibrator or a sex toy? Do men have no responsibility for controlling their anger when interacting with the women in their lives? Is it not ever a man’s job to ratchet down his anger to make it safe for the women in his life to get real?
In Hugo’s rabbit warren little mind, women’s anger is always legitimate, and men’s anger is always illegitimate. It is one of the feminist axioms that he uses to form his world view.
I have to say I tend to agree with Linguist based on the three articles I’ve read so far by this author. Is this the Good Men Project or the Bad Men Project? Are their editors reviewing this stuff before it’s published and if so, then what is the agenda of this magazine? Rael’s flipping the scenario and asking if it’s men’s responsibility to control their anger when interacting with women reminded me of a personal example. I had a partner who I discovered was using vibrators on her own and my initial reaction was feeling hurt, threatened and angry.… Read more »
I’ve heard from many guys who tell me that they lie about porn (and the other kinds of sex they may buy) because, as one put it to me, “women go ballistic when you tell them the truth.” But it’s not women’s job to ratchet down their anger in order to make it safe for men to get real. We owe it to the women we love – and to ourselves – to have the courage to name what it is we’re doing and how often we’re doing it. Did it ever occur to you that the reason that they… Read more »
I have to express my admiration for the posters in this thread. I believe this is the first internet comment thread of more than two entries I have ever read that did not devolve into name-calling and personal insults. The author, and several commenters, seem to share some assumptions that I would like to call out and challenege: – Pornography and masturbation are somehow wrong, or at least debased, and indulging in them is a weakness. I disagree completely, and I suspect that this attitude comes almost entirely from the, not to mince words, demented ways that we represent sexuality… Read more »
“I’ve heard from many guys who tell me that they lie about porn (and the other kinds of sex they may buy) because, as one put it to me, “women go ballistic when you tell them the truth.” But it’s not women’s job to ratchet down their anger in order to make it safe for men to get real. We owe it to the women we love – and to ourselves – to have the courage to name what it is we’re doing and how often we’re doing it.” This is the second article I’ve read by you and both… Read more »
I don’t see the difference between looking at “free” online porn and paying for it. The outcome and product is pretty much the same no?
The whole article makes me depressed and feel defeated when it comes to men.
This is the type of comment that I had hoped Hugo would address, rather than me hitting at it down here in the comments. Are the product and outcome the same? In the vast majority of cases, I’d say yes, they are. The question I’d raise is: So what does this mean about a relationship and/or the people within it? Does it mean that the man is somehow defective? Does it mean that he sees his partner as defective? I’m not prying, but I do wonder if the “depressed” response to the article has to do with the very poorly… Read more »
Probably all of the above Tomio.
I however didn’t think the article was casting men in a sexual predator light.
I do however think that the article is acknowleding how many men define and aid their sexuality through the different facets of the sex trade industry. Whether that be porn, strip clubs, lap dances, webcams..yada yada yada.
My question is why do so many men define their ability to be sexual and sexually fullfilled through things like porn and strippers?
If you read the article, it is very clearly slanted towards showing men as being violent. So, too, has much of the hysteria revolved around the feeling of safety being ripped away. Personally, I’ve never understood the allure of strippers. It seems cheap and tawdry to me. Same thing with actual prostitution. Just not my thing. Porn, however, was a window into sexuality that I had never seen or even heard about. And it let me see things and experience things vicariously that would have endangered me to do first hand. That vicarious experience allowed me to gain a much… Read more »
It seemed to me that the article by Hugo did all it could to put as big of a group of men as possible in the same box with the ones who buy prostitutes and prowl on victims of human trafficking. Anything to place shame on men. About the question of why so many men define their sexuality through porn. Personally I have never been approached by women with any sexual intent I could detect and having been raised in a society where every aspect of my sexuality has been branded as evil, porn IS the only way to express… Read more »
Free porn is often done by amateurs. The bodies tend to be more real and the behavior more believable.
I think free porn is everywhere. Not just through “amateurs”.
Depends on your definition of porn…I can see where you’re going with this though.
I’m refering to the fact that you can just type the word ‘porn” into a search engine and see a billion free video uploads that aren’t just “amateurs”.
Ummmm…I just typed “porn” into my iphone search engine the top four results were:
PornHub, RedTube, YouPorn, and Orgasm.com. All of these sites offer free porn uploaded by amateurs much in the same way YouTube works. I’m not saying nobody’s making money off this business model but it is run differently than the traditional porn industry. There are a lot more small, independent players involved.
My ex-husband introduced me to light porn. We even bought a lovemaking dvd set and it was good. Then he wanted to watch bisexual porn. That quickly turned to gay porn. Then it was all gay porn and more raw. The day it featured boys who did not look of age, I nearly threw up. He wanted to be the little boy. There is still a lot I don’t know about that man and never want to. I have no idea who he is.
I appreciate the comment and I liked it because it would be a shame for it to be hidden. This sounds like it was (and is) incredibly painful. I still believe your ex is a tiny minority of me, but that is not really comforting when it’s the guy you thought you were going to spend your life with.
If he wanted to be the little boy, then there is possibility that he once WAS the little boy and he was abused. I’m not sure if you assumed he was a sicko, but if you did you might want to realize that with stats or 1 in 6 males being victims of childhood sexual abuse the possibility he had a tragic past could be quite high. Our society loves to assume to the worst of someones character but forgets just how tragic the past of many of our “worst” people can be. I hope if he was abused that… Read more »
CJ, Yes, I think the same way. You’re onto something big here. I think a lot of this debate about porn within a relationship is really a question about masturbation, about which kinds are acceptable and which kinds are not. Or about what is else he is doing while he is masturbating. I don’t think society can really have an honest, realistic discussion of porn if it can’t get around taboos about talking about masturbation. I think much of the disagreement is about what parts of a man’s sexuality, if any, are outside of his relationship with his partner. Some… Read more »
At the risk of being labeled a moral degenerate, I would hesitate to put all “spending money on pornography” in the category of “paying for sex.” Essentially, the man who buys a “lad mag” is therefore in the same category as a man who picks up a streetwalker? (I don’t think prostitution should be illegal, but that’s merely a related “degeneracy” on my part and not central to the issue at hand.) Seriously? Looking at nude pictures on the internet is the same as paying a stranger for bareback anal sex? What I see is a needlessly broad category for… Read more »
Had you read the article on Newsweek you would see that your comment is only confirming what the researcher found:- “Many experts believe the digital age has spawned an enormous increase in sexual exploitation; today anyone with access to the Internet can easily make a “date” through online postings, escort agencies, and other suppliers who cater to virtually any sexual predilection. The burgeoning demand has led to a dizzying proliferation of services so commonplace that many men don’t see erotic massages, strip clubs, or lap dances as forms of prostitution. “The more the commercial sex industry normalizes this behavior, the… Read more »
amazed, I recognize your point and agree that the use of the internet has possibly changed people’s definitions of prostitution or “paying for sex.” (Ignoring for the moment the question of whether the increasing number of sites is a cause or an effect or both.) I was focusing mostly on the GMP post. The Newsweek article has its own problems with hysterical language and alarmist reasoning. For one thing, defining “paying for sex” as “expressing a preference online” seems a bit odd. By that argument, I have paid for sex just by writing into this blog on occasion. My objection… Read more »