Are people shutting down when you try to make your point? The problem isn’t them.
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I wrote this in jest but I want you to read it as if I mean every word:
You readers are my enemies. You see this is because you are all imbeciles, and if you aren’t, if you happen to have graduated from the school of common sense, you are still perpetuating a society of imbeciles. You need to change the way you are and fix it because the way things are just aren’t good enough anymore. This whole country is falling apart because I can’t help tripping over one of you imbeciles. Hell you make me so angry. If you can’t see how you’re an imbecile, well duh, that’s because you’re an imbecile. Even if you aren’t I’m going to show you how you are, in fact, an imbecile with a bunch of pretty metaphors (my, that is a big word isn’t it) so you can comprehend just how imbecilic you are.
If I meant every word I said just then how would you feel on reading that? Chances are you would have two immediate reactions, and after that what you do depends on how you are feeling for the day. Your first reaction is likely to be, at a minimum, annoyance, maybe a little anger, possibly even outrage if I struck the right nerve. Your second reaction would be to dehumanize me. Why wouldn’t you, I’ve just declared you an enemy combatant? You will probably think I’m an idiot, maybe a bunch of other four letter words and chances are you have probably come up with an image of me, perhaps a socially awkward basement dwelling nerd. These are perfectly natural reactions to someone attacking you, stepping across boundaries and telling you how you should think, behave and what you are responsible for. It’s the brain’s way of getting you ready for fight or flight.
Your first reaction is likely to be at a minimum annoyance … Your second reaction would be to dehumanize me.
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Your next reaction really depends on a few things but more than likely it will either involve fighting me, picking apart everything I have said, trying to destroy whatever I have to say piece by piece, or you will stop reading and walk away in disgust. It’s really immaterial at this point because what has happened is you have stopped listening. Whatever I have to say after that paragraph above is less than white noise, I’ve set you up so that anything I have to say will be viewed with scorn or derision.
The reason I bring this point up is because I came across this article the other day A Gentleman’s Guide to Rape Culture and I mistakenly mentioned I disliked it immensely to my editors. I should know better but they asked me to do a rebuttal. I’m not going to, I really couldn’t read it. I think I got down as far as the snake metaphor. How I felt reading this was very akin to that first paragraph above and frankly anything further he has to say I don’t particularly care to hear. The author in this case, Zaron Burnett, isn’t strangely different from a lot of other authors out there. Unfortunately it’s too common these days. I’m sure he believes in what he is saying; he may even have a valid point or two. At the the time these weren’t exactly the thoughts running through my head, they were … not nice. You see while reading his article I very quickly gave up, I just don’t care what he has to say, I’ve walked away in disgust and I’m not listening.
When someone shuts down this is usually the reason, and I’ve heard the generalization that men shut down a lot but I will keep this gender neutral because we are all fairly much alike in our reactions. Your listener hasn’t really shut down, quite the opposite. You engaged them, they got angry, and they dehumanized you and then they ran away, built a wall, fought you tooth and nail. That’s participation level max. If someone is in a conversation where feelings come to the surface then they are participating. They didn’t like being forced, bribed, blackmailed, shamed or blamed for whatever point you are trying to lump on them. You, the speaker, overstepped a boundary, several probably, and the consequence is that your listener no longer wants to listen. You alienated them.
The person you are talking to is an adult, they have had their own life experiences, drawn their own opinions and come to their own conclusions.
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One of the biggest boundaries people cross is that formed by arrogance, the arrogance that your opinions are more valid then your listeners. It’s the arrogance that your view is more valid, that your facts, fears, problems and life experiences are more valid then theirs. It’s compounded when you tell them they need to change who they are and multiplied if you proceed to tell them that whatever views they hold are irrelevant. The person you are talking to is an adult, they have had their own life experiences, drawn their own opinions and come to their own conclusions. You don’t have the right to tell someone what to think, act, behave or believe. It doesn’t even matter if you are right, ethical or you are trying get it through their thick head that gravity is real. You still do not have this right to tell people the way they see the world is wrong and they will turn against this boundary violation by not listening to a damn word you have to say.
If you are finding people in your life completely shutting down when you want to try and resolve an issue then there is good chance the way you are delivering your message is the reason they aren’t listening.
So how do you engage your listeners, make them want to listen, make them want to change, offer help or become an ally. You don’t make them do anything. You can’t, that’s their choice unless you want to resort to force or manipulation. You paint them a picture instead; you invite them into your world. Show them how the issues and problems you face affect you and make you feel. You tell them what you really need. If they stay long enough then when they can see your world then ask them for that help, ask them to be an ally or ask them if they could change to accommodate your issues. Ultimately it is up to the listener if they wish to help or change but if you have shown them your world they have the information they need to make that choice.
I wrote this in jest but I want you to read it as if I mean every word:
Dear friends I need your assistance. You see I am quick of thought and I struggle with this. I find myself intolerant and frustrated with those around me who take that little longer to learn. I require patience because these people are good people, kind and well-meaning but I can’t do the things I want at the speed I want. I don’t want to be frustrated but it’s the way I feel and I find myself needing to find a way to manage it. I have some ideas I would like to run by you. Could you help me? I would appreciate your input.
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Photo: Flickr/Around the Corner
*A minstrel was a medieval European bard who performed songs whose lyrics told stories of distant places or of existing or imaginary historical events. Although minstrels created their own tales, often they would memorize and embellish the works of others. The Modern Minstrel observes the world around him and shares it with us as lyrical story. This series was inspired by Luke Davis, whose eye for story and ear for lyrical prose are featured here.
Also by Luke Davis
What A Man Wants In A Marriage | What it Takes to See a Man’s Feelings | Have You Seen a Man’s Heart? | Why Date a Man Who Dances? |
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