Hugo Schwyzer argues that men who are less horny than their female partners are subject to another, more crippling stereotype: they must be gay or something.
One of the evergreen topics surrounding relationships is the problem of uneven desire. As a great many counselors will attest, there are few questions more common in marital therapy than how a couple can resolve the conflict that comes when one partner wants sex more often than the other. It’s a nearly universal issue in long-term monogamous relationships; straight, gay, and lesbian couples are equally vulnerable to the problem.
But in heterosexual relationships, our assumption is that the man should be the one who “wants it more.” Most of us are raised with two messages: men are supposed to be horny all the time, while women (particularly young women) are expected to be more interested in emotional intimacy rather than sex itself. Pop culture allows an occasional exception for people over 40: the sex-starved middle-aged woman married to the sexually disinterested schlub is a sitcom staple that predates, by several decades, the “cougar” phenomenon.
Like every stereotype, this one proves true in a certain number of instances. So when a man and a woman find themselves in a relationship where he wants it more than she does, both partners have the small reassurance that they’re playing out familiar roles. Both the dude and his low-desire girlfriend or wife are aware that they are following a culturally appropriate script. Because men are “supposed” to want “it” more, men are also “supposed” to be accustomed to rejection: “it’s not me,” a man can tell himself, “it’s just that women naturally aren’t as sexual as men.” When our own experience lines up with the myths, we may be frustrated or resentful—but at least we are reassured that we’re “normal.” Higher-desire women don’t get that reassurance. Neither, for that matter, do their male partners.
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Earlier this year, I ran a small survey (solicited on my Facebook). I asked for responses from people in heterosexual monogamous relationships in which the woman was regularly the higher-desire partner. I got disappointingly few responses from couples, and relatively few from men. The majority of my responses (42 out of 72) were from women aged 19 to 53. Many wrote of feeling bewildered and rejected; one wrote of having grown up having fantasies about driving men crazy with desire.
“It sounds awful”, she wrote, “but I feel so ugly and unwanted when the burden is on me to initiate. Sex shouldn’t just about being wanted, but it gets me so much more aroused when I know a guy is turned on by me. My boyfriend and I only have sex when I seduce him and, at least half the time, he rejects me. I’m 25 and he’s 26, and I’m worried what will happen when I get older and hornier—and he gets even less into sex the further away he gets from his teens.”
I heard similar things from more than a few women in the survey, as well as in my office hours a time or nine. For the men who responded to my survey, the anguish was just as great. Several reported that their wives or girlfriends had questioned their sexual orientation.
“I work a lot”, wrote one 30-year-old guy, “and I swear, I’m only up for sex maybe twice a week. The rest of the time I’m too tired. But my girlfriend wants it every day and (I wish I was kidding) twice on the weekends. And half the time when I make it clear I’m not in the mood, she comes out with some sort of passive-aggressive suggestion that maybe I’m attracted to men.”
The notion that low male sex drive is indicative of closeted homosexuality remains pervasive. One straight man in the survey even reported that his wife had suggested several times that they watch gay porn together, apparently assuming that that might “do the trick” to get him in the mood. As long as we believe that male sexual desire is invariably voracious, those who buy into that myth will assume that a man with low sex drive for a female partner must be attracted to men. That’s much easier to comprehend than a genuinely modest libido. And while there may still be plenty of closeted gay men trying to fake it through a heterosexual relationship, there are a lot more men who know that they’re straight—but who, for any number of permanent or temporary reasons, just aren’t as interested in sex as their female partners. To insinuate that these guys are gay leaves no room for the idea that straight men (like everyone else) are found at every point on the “horniness spectrum,” running from omnipresent lust to near asexuality.
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One question I asked (and that many trained therapists will ask when this issue comes up) is whether the lower-desire partner is masturbating regularly (with or without pornography). The majority of the admittedly small number of guys who responded to my survey insisted that they weren’t. “I’m not in the mood very often,” one wrote, “so when I am, I want to share ‘it’ with my girlfriend.” But a couple of others admitted that they did use porn fairly frequently. Having sex is work, they both pointed out; it requires emotional as well as physical effort. “Sometimes you’re too tired to go through all that trouble and you just want to quickly rub one out. It’s like not having time for lunch but still needing to grab a quick snack.”
The unanswered question is whether porn vs. partnered sex is a zero-sum game, one in which the lower-desire partner’s private use of the former leads to diminished interest in the latter. It’s safe to say that a lot of higher-desire partners of porn users suspect it does.
Lastly, several men admitted that they got angry when their female partners initiated sex. “I know it’s not her fault,” one wrote, “but it feels like my manhood is on the line every time. It’s not anything she says, just this sense I have that I’ve committed a major Man Law Violation (by not initiating) and she’s seen it. It pisses me off.” Just as many women felt that their femininity was called into question by their apparent inability to arouse their husbands and boyfriends, those husbands and boyfriends reported feeling as if their masculinity was questioned. It seemed that resentment and diminished self-esteem were the “most mutual” aspects of these relationships.
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Precious few long-term relationships will never experience the problem of disparate desire. When the problem does inevitably arise, everyone involved will sense the uncomfortable imbalance: whoever wants it less seems to have more power. It is almost certain that the higher-desire partner will have to cope with sexual frustration, a sense of rejection, and fears about his or her own desirability. The lower-desire partner will have to cope with a sense of guilt and the resentment that comes either with feeling pressured or consenting to unwanted sex.
If nothing else, this issue is common enough to cast serious doubt on the trope, beloved of social conservatives and evolutionary psychologists, that men are simply hardwired to be more far more interested in sex than women. But as satisfying as it may be to disprove a hoary old myth, that’s of cold comfort to those trying to negotiate their way through the problem of disparate desire. The stereotype that men always want it more may be false, but a couple who lives up to that expectation at least have the modest consolation that they’re “normal.” When the situation is reversed, and the myth disproved, the situation can be far more unsettling for everyone involved.
—Photo Cia de Foto/Flickr
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My ex was into watching me jerk off when she wasn’t in the mood for sex. And sometimes the sight would make her decide that she wanted to join in, in one way or another. Either way, I didn’t feel rejected or unsexy. There was an element of performance to it, and also a real sense of acceptance. I.E. “Sure, we’re in bed, but perhaps I don’t feel like having sex. But it’s cool that you’re turned on by this situation.”
My long term,high school sweetheart, 6+ year relationship began to end when my ex was more interested in women in adult-themed, online videos. He had an insatiable appetite that only Mrs. Right and Ms. Left could cure. While I was left alone at night, he became less and less attracted to me. It was a major blow to what little self-esteem I did have. If you are with someone you are no longer attracted to, no longer feel you can be with for the rest of your life, feel like you’re just not a right fit anymore…let them go, you… Read more »
It’s sad that these ideas and roles we play are so thick, we can’t see through the fog. I like the point about checking in as to whether the partner wanting more sex is masturbating. Sex doesn’t have to be a full course meal with kissing and penetration. I had a partner who masturbated when I wasn’t in the mood for sex or there wasn’t time–I cuddled him while he jerked off and he did the same for me. It was simple.
When I ended my last relationship (gay) a big chunk of the reason was that my ex girlfriend had completely lost interest in sex. Once the sex was gone, the intimacy wasn’t far behind. Having a moan to my mother, I told her I was ‘giving up on women’ as men must be more interested in maintaining that side of the relationship, surely! That’s when she pointed out that more than a few of her female friends had left their husbands during middle age, as the Husbands had lost interest in sex! It seems young women and older men share… Read more »
Hey, wait a minute, this was not a scientific survey and the author admitted that there was a low response rate from men. This is just empty speculation – not really of much use in understanding the issue.
THIS is part of the reason sex-positivity is SO important – to break down this societal norms about what it means to be male or female in a hetero relationship. *EVERYONE* has a different sex drive. If we were less freaked out/obsessed with sex, we might be able to understand and spread the word on this one. And it’s SO important to be clear and accepting of this very factual fact. For one, the drive is NOT along gender lines. Men can want it less than their female partners, and that should be ok. Women can want it more, and… Read more »
Hey Hugo http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-N6j699vzA&feature=relmfu
Oliver, just stay away from that person’s videos. No good can come from it. She represents only herself, and not very well at that.
My husband and I drifted apart after 14 years of marriage and he stopped wanting sex.
We are now separated…He still isn’t having sex with anyone.I have found a guy a few years younger then myself to satisfy my sexual needs.
If a guy said what you just said you would call him a misogynist.
boo hoo, sourgrapes much? you’re just assuming about her, with all tranquillity. i guess you are one of those who think feminists are crazy and have no basis for complaint. nicely done, oliver! classy!
Sorry, but guys who resent their women initiating sex because it offends their big macho ego deserve nothing other than their own hand as their lifelong sexual partner. And I think in this day and age, it is perfectly legitimate for women to wonder if their partners are gay, or cheating, if the interest in sex suddenly drops, particularly with online testimonies of wives married to what turned out to be actual closet cases. Though some women, as Dan Savage reports, think that if the husband does it doggie style, he must be gay (because they think that being gay… Read more »
I should that when a gay man’s sex drive is low, you don’t hear “Are you straight or something”?
Gay men can have low sex drives, too. I know, shocking! It can mean a lot of things. It can be a sign of depression. It can be a consequence of low testosterone. It can mean you’re tired of your partner (not necessarily permanently). It can also just be who you are. You owe it to yourself and your partner to find out if it’s depression or testosterone. In a long-term relationship, there are ups and downs. It’s OK. And if you’re in it for the long haul, adjusting to who you are and who your partner is is what… Read more »
Given the difficulties of modern life, especially in these economically precarious times, I’m puzzled as to why “He/she must be gay” is the *first* explanation that jumps to so many minds when one partner wants sex more than the other. In the U.S., medical bills are a leading cause of bankruptcy. One industry or another is constantly being outsourced overseas. Thousands of students are being graduated from graduate schools with massive amounts of debt. Financial markets of all kinds are fluctuating wildly. (And even people who are lucky enough to have savings are watching their hard-earned savings be devoured by… Read more »
Exactly, and when you consider that around 10% of adults in the U.S. are taking libido killing anti-depressant meds (including almost a quarter of women over 40, as I commented above), no wonder there is an epidemic of sexual dysfunction. (I’m not saying people shouldn’t take them if they need them, but most people will experience changes in their sex life as a result).
Big Lesson: somewhere out there is a woman who wants sex as much as you do.
My current partner still doesn’t believe his luck that I want sex as much or sometimes more than him, he is ecstatically amazed and delighted.
I’ve been in this relationship twice and both time it was a crippling blow to my self esteem that lasted long after the relationship ended. In one case, I do honestly believe the guy was gay. In the other, it was a combo of antidepressants and super repressive anti-sex upbringing. Neither of those relationships could have had a future–sex matters too much to me. People should feel entitled to the level of sex that the want–or don’t want–in a relationship and to not feel like a douche if they bail because it isn’t working. Sex is an important way that… Read more »
When I was 20 I moved in with my girlfriend the time, and after a few months her sex drive took a nose dive. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but at one point I asked her if maybe deep down she was a lesbian. Maybe she just wasn’t attracted to men anymore, I wondered out loud. Certainly it couldn’t be anything that _I_ was doing, right? Not one of my finer moments. Obviously the question goes both ways.
I just read in today’s paper that 23% of women age 40-59 are taking anti-depressants. Although these medications can be life saving for some people, they are well known to kill the libido. Personally, when I took Prozac and Paxil several years ago, I went from being constantly horny to having absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. You can read the CDC study here: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db76.htm
Hmmm…do the anti-depressants kill the libido or do they make it difficult to orgasm? I suppose it depends on the drug.
Both Prozac and Paxil killed by libido AND made it impossible to orgasm.
Hmmmm…that sucks. I was on Lexapro for awhile. It made it more difficult to orgasm but didn’t kill my libido. That may or may not be better…sigh…
Sometimes it’s not an easy choice either way. Having untreated depression ain’t so good for the libido either….
it is best to talk things out instead of letting it get out of control.
I must thank you for this article, Hugo — I am in /exactly/ the same situation as the 25-year-old woman you quoted here: same age, my boyfriend is the same age, same problem, same outcome. I sometimes feel very “wrong”, as you suggest — being a twentysomething woman who’s more into sex than her twentysomething man is just not a narrative you ever see played out or examined by the media. It feels lonely and like you’ve made some grave error somewhere. I know many folk reading this will roll their eyes at my suggestion that “I thought I was… Read more »
KOREAN / JAPANESE GAY COMMUNITY!
I’m interested by the comments from some men (reported by Hugh) that they get angry when women initiate sex. Is this a common attitude? Don’t guys usually complain that they want women to initiate more and be more sexually assertive? is this one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t situations?
I can only speak for myself and the other men I know but we are usually exceptionally happy that the woman in our relationships would initiate sexual activity or even tease/discuss/consume on a much aggressive level. It feels just as ego-stroking and flattering to know our companion finds us attractive and that they want a piece, to put it frankly.
I think there a lot of men trapped in the socially instituted masculine/macho loop and who are embarrassed to appear anything less then what is expected, if not above and beyond, and their insecurity manifests itself in lashing out children.
If it’s coming with shaming tactics like saying “A Real Man Would Have Sex With Me” I don’t think I would be to surprised if a man would feel insulted.
It’s the old problem of not living up to the idle Masquline Norm.
Agreed, no one should talk to their partner about sex in a way that shames them. If someone is with a person like that, they may want to look for a new relationship. I was thinking more of situations in general where a woman might suggest or express interest in having sex in a friendly/sexy/fun way. I admit the first time I asked my current boyfriend if he wanted to have sex, he seemed very taken aback, even shocked! but he didn’t seem angry. He seems to have gotten used to the idea now that I actually like to have… Read more »
Depends on the guy. My ex-husband hated it. Don’t know why exactly. He’s a pretty traditional guy so maybe that was it.
I’ve had some lovers who just weren’t as sexual as me. I think they sometimes felt my sex drive was overwhelming. Usually, men are pretty receptive to having me initiate sex. Sometimes they are surprised but they almost always take me up on the offer.
I think that in this situation (as well as many of the situations here in the comments) speaking to your partner in a non-shaming way, and expressing your desires and appetites is the best thing.
I’ve done it, and it turned out well for that relationship…very well indeed! I outlined that there are times when, given stress, time and hormone levels, sex might be sparse…and somtimes it would be distractingly frequent. I discussed with him my needs, listened to his, and we were good! Sometimes I initiated, sometimes he did, and it was never an issue because we discussed it.
Do you have any idea the number of guys who can’t handle a woman who initiates sex or a relationship? Particularly the young ones. The stereotype is so strong about women sitting passive, or the guys are very religious. I’ve never met a guy who got angry, but I’ve had plenty who didn’t know what to do when they realized that I don’t just lie back and think of England!
I think the basic wisdom here is “don’t assume that male partners always want sex more than female partners do.” That’s the point I glean from Hugo’s article here. If a woman wants sex more than her male partner, it doesn’t mean he’s broken or not interested in her at all or that she’s oversexed. It’s not a reason to panic or pick him apart. It happens. The flip side is “don’t just be resigned to the fact that he wants it more than she does.” When the husband does want more sex than his wife does, too often people… Read more »
My thought on the porn/masturbation issue is that the guy should experiment and see if it makes a difference. So if his wife wants more sex and he’s masturbating, he can go for a week without it and see what happens. And if he’s not masturbating, he might even want to try it and see if it helps.
Thanks for an excellent article on a difficult topic.
Great piece. A related question is really how much of this is difference I’m sex desire and how much is sexual compatibility. Good sex leads to more good sex. Bad sex leads to problems. And good sex over a sustained period takes work.
Amen!