Are You Gay or Something? Why It’s So Much Harder When She Wants It More

Hugo Schwyzer argues that men who are less horny than their female partners are subject to another, more crippling stereotype: they must be gay or something. 

One of the evergreen topics surrounding relationships is the problem of uneven desire. As a great many counselors will attest, there are few questions more common in marital therapy than how a couple can resolve the conflict that comes when one partner wants sex more often than the other. It’s a nearly universal issue in long-term monogamous relationships; straight, gay, and lesbian couples are equally vulnerable to the problem.

But in heterosexual relationships, our assumption is that the man should be the one who “wants it more.” Most of us are raised with two messages: men are supposed to be horny all the time, while women (particularly young women) are expected to be more interested in emotional intimacy rather than sex itself. Pop culture allows an occasional exception for people over 40: the sex-starved middle-aged woman married to the sexually disinterested schlub is a sitcom staple that predates, by several decades, the “cougar” phenomenon.

Like every stereotype, this one proves true in a certain number of instances. So when a man and a woman find themselves in a relationship where he wants it more than she does, both partners have the small reassurance that they’re playing out familiar roles. Both the dude and his low-desire girlfriend or wife are aware that they are following a culturally appropriate script. Because men are “supposed” to want “it” more, men are also “supposed” to be accustomed to rejection: “it’s not me,” a man can tell himself, “it’s just that women naturally aren’t as sexual as men.” When our own experience lines up with the myths, we may be frustrated or resentful—but at least we are reassured that we’re “normal.” Higher-desire women don’t get that reassurance. Neither, for that matter, do their male partners.

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Earlier this year, I ran a small survey (solicited on my Facebook). I asked for responses from people in heterosexual monogamous relationships in which the woman was regularly the higher-desire partner. I got disappointingly few responses from couples, and relatively few from men. The majority of my responses (42 out of 72) were from women aged 19 to 53. Many wrote of feeling bewildered and rejected; one wrote of having grown up having fantasies about driving men crazy with desire.

“It sounds awful”, she wrote, “but I feel so ugly and unwanted when the burden is on me to initiate. Sex shouldn’t just about being wanted, but it gets me so much more aroused when I know a guy is turned on by me. My boyfriend and I only have sex when I seduce him and, at least half the time, he rejects me. I’m 25 and he’s 26, and I’m worried what will happen when I get older and hornier—and he gets even less into sex the further away he gets from his teens.”

I heard similar things from more than a few women in the survey, as well as in my office hours a time or nine. For the men who responded to my survey, the anguish was just as great. Several reported that their wives or girlfriends had questioned their sexual orientation.

“I work a lot”, wrote one 30-year-old guy, “and I swear, I’m only up for sex maybe twice a week. The rest of the time I’m too tired. But my girlfriend wants it every day and (I wish I was kidding) twice on the weekends. And half the time when I make it clear I’m not in the mood, she comes out with some sort of passive-aggressive suggestion that maybe I’m attracted to men.”

The notion that low male sex drive is indicative of closeted homosexuality remains pervasive. One straight man in the survey even reported that his wife had suggested several times that they watch gay porn together, apparently assuming that that might “do the trick” to get him in the mood. As long as we believe that male sexual desire is invariably voracious, those who buy into that myth will assume that a man with low sex drive for a female partner must be attracted to men. That’s much easier to comprehend than a genuinely modest libido. And while there may still be plenty of closeted gay men trying to fake it through a heterosexual relationship, there are a lot more men who know that they’re straight—but who, for any number of permanent or temporary reasons, just aren’t as interested in sex as their female partners. To insinuate that these guys are gay leaves no room for the idea that straight men (like everyone else) are found at every point on the “horniness spectrum,” running from omnipresent lust to near asexuality.

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One question I asked (and that many trained therapists will ask when this issue comes up) is whether the lower-desire partner is masturbating regularly (with or without pornography). The majority of the admittedly small number of guys who responded to my survey insisted that they weren’t. “I’m not in the mood very often,” one wrote, “so when I am, I want to share ‘it’ with my girlfriend.” But a couple of others admitted that they did use porn fairly frequently. Having sex is work, they both pointed out; it requires emotional as well as physical effort. “Sometimes you’re too tired to go through all that trouble and you just want to quickly rub one out. It’s like not having time for lunch but still needing to grab a quick snack.”

The unanswered question is whether porn vs. partnered sex is a zero-sum game, one in which the lower-desire partner’s private use of the former leads to diminished interest in the latter. It’s safe to say that a lot of higher-desire partners of porn users suspect it does.

Lastly, several men admitted that they got angry when their female partners initiated sex. “I know it’s not her fault,” one wrote, “but it feels like my manhood is on the line every time. It’s not anything she says, just this sense I have that I’ve committed a major Man Law Violation (by not initiating) and she’s seen it. It pisses me off.” Just as many women felt that their femininity was called into question by their apparent inability to arouse their husbands and boyfriends, those husbands and boyfriends reported feeling as if their masculinity was questioned.  It seemed that resentment and diminished self-esteem were the “most mutual” aspects of these relationships.

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Precious few long-term relationships will never experience the problem of disparate desire. When the problem does inevitably arise, everyone involved will sense the uncomfortable imbalance: whoever wants it less seems to have more power. It is almost certain that the higher-desire partner will have to cope with sexual frustration, a sense of rejection, and fears about his or her own desirability. The lower-desire partner will have to cope with a sense of guilt and the resentment that comes either with feeling pressured or consenting to unwanted sex.

If nothing else, this issue is common enough to cast serious doubt on the trope, beloved of social conservatives and evolutionary psychologists, that men are simply hardwired to be more far more interested in sex than women. But as satisfying as it may be to disprove a hoary old myth, that’s of cold comfort to those trying to negotiate their way through the problem of disparate desire. The stereotype that men always want it more may be false, but a couple who lives up to that expectation at least have the modest consolation that they’re “normal.” When the situation is reversed, and the myth disproved, the situation can be far more unsettling for everyone involved.

Photo Cia de Foto/Flickr

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About Hugo Schwyzer

Hugo Schwyzer has taught history and gender studies at Pasadena City College since 1993, where he developed the college's first courses on Men and Masculinity and Beauty and Body Image. He serves as co-director of the Perfectly Unperfected Project, a campaign to transform young people's attitudes around body image and fashion. Hugo lives with his wife, daughter, and six chinchillas in Los Angeles. Hugo blogs at his website

Comments

    • Oliver, just stay away from that person’s videos. No good can come from it. She represents only herself, and not very well at that.

  1. THIS is part of the reason sex-positivity is SO important – to break down this societal norms about what it means to be male or female in a hetero relationship.

    *EVERYONE* has a different sex drive. If we were less freaked out/obsessed with sex, we might be able to understand and spread the word on this one. And it’s SO important to be clear and accepting of this very factual fact. For one, the drive is NOT along gender lines. Men can want it less than their female partners, and that should be ok. Women can want it more, and that doesn’t make her slutty or weird, it’s also ok. Neither should feel bad about this – and yet, our societally constructed gender identities make it not ok, and make it into a significant issue on a personal level. It affects our self-esteem, our identity, our happiness and contentment.

    In addition this SHOULD NOT be overlooked in relationships as well. We so often forget how important sex is, and how important matching sex drives are. We don’t discuss it as something that can break a relationship – even though it absolutely can, and in many cases, probably should – unless something equally non-trad can be worked out (read: non-monogamy).

    I know this, as some of the other commenters did, from experience. A good relationship with a good guy was broken in my past, because I wanted sex much more than he did. It sent me into cycles, where his low libido would send my self-esteem into a nose dive (especially when, in order to publicly live up to his gender expectations, he’d talk about women on TV with his buddies – which I don’t mind, I have no jealousy regarding other people – particularly unattainable ones, but when he’d talk, and then turn around and tell me “not tonight”… ). I’d deal with it until I couldn’t take it anymore, and then I’d flip out, we’d talk, and to his credit, he would listen patiently. He’d explain (again) that it wasn’t me, he was just tired/stressed… and the cycle would start over.

    I would probably be married to this man today. But I couldn’t handle it. And, when I broke up with him, he tried SO HARD to understand what went wrong, and he wanted to fix things SO badly… but, because of our culture and the fact that I didn’t want him to feel even worse and “attack his manhood” I couldn’t just say “we have different sex drives”. Maybe I should have. I don’t know.

  2. Hey, wait a minute, this was not a scientific survey and the author admitted that there was a low response rate from men. This is just empty speculation – not really of much use in understanding the issue.

  3. When I ended my last relationship (gay) a big chunk of the reason was that my ex girlfriend had completely lost interest in sex. Once the sex was gone, the intimacy wasn’t far behind. Having a moan to my mother, I told her I was ‘giving up on women’ as men must be more interested in maintaining that side of the relationship, surely! That’s when she pointed out that more than a few of her female friends had left their husbands during middle age, as the Husbands had lost interest in sex!

    It seems young women and older men share a lack of interest in sex.

  4. It’s sad that these ideas and roles we play are so thick, we can’t see through the fog. I like the point about checking in as to whether the partner wanting more sex is masturbating. Sex doesn’t have to be a full course meal with kissing and penetration. I had a partner who masturbated when I wasn’t in the mood for sex or there wasn’t time–I cuddled him while he jerked off and he did the same for me. It was simple.

  5. MsAttitude says:

    My long term,high school sweetheart, 6+ year relationship began to end when my ex was more interested in women in adult-themed, online videos. He had an insatiable appetite that only Mrs. Right and Ms. Left could cure. While I was left alone at night, he became less and less attracted to me. It was a major blow to what little self-esteem I did have.
    If you are with someone you are no longer attracted to, no longer feel you can be with for the rest of your life, feel like you’re just not a right fit anymore…let them go, you are doing the BOTH of you an injustice, as well as 2 future possible mates.

  6. My ex was into watching me jerk off when she wasn’t in the mood for sex. And sometimes the sight would make her decide that she wanted to join in, in one way or another. Either way, I didn’t feel rejected or unsexy. There was an element of performance to it, and also a real sense of acceptance. I.E. “Sure, we’re in bed, but perhaps I don’t feel like having sex. But it’s cool that you’re turned on by this situation.”

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