Do you believe in the concept of “the one”?
That there is that one perfect soulmate you must cast your line to find, your “other half”, the person who “completes” you?
If so, is it because you have already found that person or because it’s something you’ve observed in other people’s relationships–
OR is it just something you’ve heard tell of in films and books and songs that gives you hope (or a reason to reject people who don’t meet this high criteria)?
Not to go all “she blinded me with science” on you, but a recent study suggests that monogamy, generally speaking, actually evolved for practical and not romantic reasons, primarily as an outgrowth of a “mate guarding strategy” (the male guards a female to ensure that no one else mates with her) and to prevent infanticide (in many primates species, a mother with a dependent infant can’t mate until her infant is weaned. In order to mate, a male would first have to kill her child).
Wow, super romantic stuff, I am swooning!
I won’t bore with the zillions of links that suggest there are very Darwinian and physiological reasons why we might be convinced that there is only one ideal mate for each of us (you know how to Google, presumably), but I will say that romantic love, while a very recent invention in the evolution of species, is still believed to be our highly desirable ideal. Not only for the emotional security but also for the psychological imperative: if you are the one for me, I am the one for you. All is settled and decided going forward ad infinitum.
So, we want assurances, stability and guarantees in our wildest romantic dreams.
Wow, stability and guarantees, I am swooning again!
Look, if you clicked on this link hoping for some kind of insight as to whether or not you have found “the one”, the answer is this: you clicked on the link, so NO. Sorry about that. Either love is not love which alters when it alteration finds or you are having some serious doubts. And serious doubts should be reserved for the seriously doubtable.
But don’t be discouraged. None of this is to say great love isn’t possible or that no such thing as a “soul mate”. It is to say we might want to reexamine the idea of what a “soul mate” is and also dispense with the idea that the one forever love is some kind of ideal that we should all aspire to; if you aspire to live your best possible life, you are going to have to overlook convention, accept growth and change as your norm and therefore aim a little higher.
Is there such thing as a “soul mate”?
Without a doubt, there are going to be some people who resonate with us more immediately and deeply than others. Both science and psychology acknowledge this as a fact, but author Randall Monroe in his book What If? Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions writes, “Let’s suppose you lock eyes with an average of a few dozen new strangers each day; if 10 percent of them are close to your age, that’s around 50,000 people in a lifetime. Given that you have 500,000,000 potential soul mates, it means you’ll only find true love in one lifetime out of 10,000.”
Wow, statistics, I am swooning!
The reality is, many (most?) of us are hoping for a Hollywood-style deus ex machina to swoop in and land us our ideal mate; but the fairy tale we think we are dreaming of is actually a simple exercise in the abdication of personal responsibility: I haven’t found my partner because I haven’t met “the one”.
Science suggests that isn’t likely to happen, even in a generous estimation of our circulation potential (I’m sure city dwellers might lock eyes with a few dozen strangers each day; those of us in the boonies would likely peak at one) but psychology believes that when two people with strong emotional and physical chemistry meet, they either decide that they’re destined for each other or they believe, if they work really hard at it, they might be able to develop the relationship gold standard.
Guess who is usually more successful in forming a healthy, long-term bond?
The fact is, those who consider themselves “soulmates” are much more likely to break up, or form a toxic co-dependency. Because they believe the normal ups and downs of human companionship are actually a signal that they have NOT found “the one”, they either try to force their partner into a box of compliance OR they break up and go back out in search of that perfect match.
Wow, impossible standards, I am swooning!
The undeniable truth of the matter is this—love is a marriage (pun intended) of compatibility, chemistry and good-old-fashioned elbow grease. The mistake most people making is forgetting that the third component is critical to the longevity of any bond; the mistake some people make is thinking elbow grease alone can make up for a lack of compatibility and chemistry. This trine is essential in forming the kind of relationship that will not only go the distance, but also inspire others to believe that happiness is possible for them as well.
When you are in or around a healthy couple, the energy is unmistakable; it does not exclude, it uplifts and encourages. It does not confine, it frees and emboldens. It does not discourage, it promotes and supports. The scariest and most liberating part of being in a healthy couple is the knowledge that both of you would willingly walk away tomorrow if you agreed it was the best thing for even one of you.
Wow, now I actually AM swooning!
Love is the purest understanding that what inhibits, imprisons, diminishes or denies one is destructive for both. Love doesn’t insist on a format, it exists in grace. Love is always growing and changing and evolving…if it is not, it is simply habit or convention.
Whether or not you find “the one” in this lifetime depends on your willingness to meet someone exactly where they are—not as who they MIGHT be in your ideal vision or who they SHOULD be as mandated by society, religion or philosophy. “The one” is not the person who strokes your ego, or placates your demands or enables your dysfunction. “The one” can always look you in the eye and hear your point of view and feel compassion for your wounding without perpetuating it.
In order to find “the one”, you have to be “the one”–you have to accept the fluidity of life, personality, and circumstances.
Are you ready to be the love of someone’s life?
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