Power can be a destructive force; a roaring dragon, breathing fire, belching smoke and wreaking havoc, decimating everything in its path, turning it into smoldering ash. When in surrender mode, it can become an alchemical tool for transmutation.
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The phone rings and as I answer, I hear my then 18 year old son’s voice on the other end. “Hey mom, guess what? I got a tattoo!” Uh huh. This newly minted high school grad about to go out into the world wanted something to symbolize the next steps on his journey, is what I was thinking, but in his mind, it was probably because he thought it was cool. I was imagining something along the lines of Japanese anime; taking up a large portion of an arm that used to be tiny and covered with blond peach fuzz; a well muscled character to compliment his new muscles, with a sword in his hand, since it is what Adam was drawing at the time.
Being raised by a strong willed single mother is no picnic for an equally determined boy-child.
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When I got home, I was relieved when I saw the few inch in diameter inking on his right inner forearm. Japanese (got that part right) calligraphy, also known as shodou. I asked him what it meant. He looked at me quizzically and then said “Power or strength.” I nodded and kept my thoughts to myself. I waited a few days and then said to him, as I held up a fist. “To you, this is power or strength, but to show someone your tattoo, you need to go like this,” as I demonstrated by extending my right arm, hand open, palm up. He rolled his eyes and answered “Oh mom, do you need to ruin everything? Does everything have to be spiritual?” Yup.
Nine years have passed and he is embodying the meaning of the tattoo in ways I would never have conceived. He is working a job that he enjoys, that is sometimes stressful, but he has been getting up at the crack (and sometimes way before) of dawn to go. He has dreams of owning his own restaurant. The truth is, I couldn’t be prouder of the young man he has evolved into, especially since losing his father at 11. Were there power plays between us in the interceding years? Absolutely. There were times when I felt like an anthropologist attempting to understand the customs and language of a neighboring and sometimes warring tribe. His pacifist mother would butt heads with him over things like our divergent cleanliness standards, politics and gender role issues (comments like “all women are…”) would infiltrate our conversations at times. Being raised by a strong willed single mother is no picnic for an equally determined boy-child. I am gratified to say that we both survived his adolescence as we each needed to let go of the tug-of-war rope and instead raise the white flag.
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Our relationship has been a rallying cry for me to understand the connection between men and the dynamic of power. In her book, entitled: The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life, Judith Orloff, MD poses “Power is so seductive because it appeals to our most ancient hardwired impulse for survival, located in the reptilian brain.”
Of course it is not literally a tail thrashing, teeth gnashing lizard in our cranium, but at times, it may seem like that. Observe boys or men playing video games or watching a sporting event. If you are not hardwired that way, it may seem silly that to them, it is like a match to the death as they are all amped up about something over which they have no control. I have asked my son why he yells at the TV and he rolls his eyes as if I have two heads. Is he cheering on his favorite team or venting anger and frustration? It makes even less sense that he attempts to commune with a video game since there are only so many pre-programmed moves. Orloff goes on to say “Surrender is a dirty word to the reptilian brain; it equates it only with extinction.”
“Hang on and ride the wild dragon of surrender to freedom.”
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“Whether simply aggressive or ruthless, the reptilian brain is fixated on:
Survival of the fittest
Rising to the top of the pecking order
A kill-or-be-killed instinct
Hunting, conquering and domination
A marking of territory to defend against intruders (including behaviors ranging from putting your arm around your spouse if someone flirts with him or her, to gang turf wars).”
Orloff reinforces the reasons for the rush of power in that it has the impact of increasing adrenaline (that boosts energy and may provide a competitive edge) testosterone (that fuels a leaping libido) and dopamine (a pleasure hormone equated with food, sex, drugs and alcohol). Why would a man would want to even for a moment contemplate the possibility of surrender? What would be the benefit?
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Imagine what it would be like to let down the hyper-vigilant guard that has your gut twisting, heart galloping and temple pounding when you are walking into a business meeting. Contemplate easing behind the wheel of your car without feeling as if you have to rule the road. Ponder having a relationship with a partner that has you going heart to heart and not head to head in an effort to be right at all costs.
Power can be viewed as a destructive force; a roaring dragon, breathing fire, belching smoke and wreaking havoc, decimating everything in its path, turning it into smoldering ash. When in surrender mode, it can become instead, an alchemical tool for transmutation. It can also help a man comprehend what it might be like to be a member of the other tribe. Not many men can say that they have an easy time ceding control. For some it happens on the job, for others in relationship. Some is of necessity, but with each comes a need to trust that they will safely arrive on the other side of the chasm between being powerful and overpowering.
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I was having a conversation recently with my friend and fellow GMP contributing editor Jacob Nordby, around this issue of men and power. Not too long ago, he consciously chose to place himself in a position of surrender. He is a pretty public person who waxed somewhat philosophical about his recent vasectomy. No such thing as TMI between friends…well the world actually, since he had posted his pre-snipping thoughts on Facebook. He had these insights arise after the fact that gave me a picture perfect snapshot of a male mind:
“Lying on my back, shaved and sheeted for this minor procedure, it occurred to me that men aren’t accustomed to the experience of surrender. Most of us with the ancient male code embedded in our psyche are not commonly pierced and penetrated. We do the piercing and penetrating. Historically, we trained to go to war, be hard, dominate, never surrender.
Here I was spread out, lying on my back, waiting to be pierced.
I like the dance metaphor, Marie. Over the years, I have had a difficult time allowing men to lead. Hard to relax into it. Fearful of stepping on toes. Needing to trust where I am being led both on and off the dance floor. Good direction for me to be able to surrender.
Great article, Edie! It does feel good to let go of the power. Plus many don’t know how to consciously hold the power either, so we can end up always just half powered. This causes laziness, boredom, and a feeling of anxiety (because you know there is *something* you are supposed to be wanting to do). I have a great suggestion as a way for men to experience what you are talking about…which is, when people learn to partner dance (like ballroom, swing, or salsa) typically a man learns to lead and a woman learns to follow. But anyone can… Read more »
As someone who tends to be too intense or aggressive unless I consciously dial back, I agree with you completely. It’s very easy to run roughshod over people, or get to the top simply by shouting the loudest, but it also strikes me as very primitive, immature, and frankly crass. Outward displays of power will never convey the same message as its quiet and measured assumption. Essentially, to be so thoroughly confident in your own strength that you no longer need to show it, but feel comfortable in vulnerable positions because you know you are strong enough when you need… Read more »
Thank you, Elie for your comments and for being mindful about the ways in which power can either harm or heal. Good for you for being more at ease in standing in your own power rather than letting it topple you and take others with you.
Brilliant and insightful; told from a point of view I have no connection to, and understand a little more now.
For me, business meetings were either yawn-inducing or gut wrenching in the “i’m gonna puke” manner. I never was comfortable in a corporate bureaucracy.
I’m curious what the other side of the equation is: how do women deal with power? Just my Pisces showing…
Thank you, Shawn. It is my growing edge. I consider myself a powerful woman who has sometime had to ‘dial back’ a bit to stand in my power without being overpowering or intimidating men. I think we are learning to share it, hopefully wisely.