We asked our community. This is what they said.
“An enduring fear of snakes, which is ironic since my six year old son loves them. He is particularly fond of cobras and regularly imagines seeing an Egyptian (the most poisonous variety) in our travels. Last summer in Montana a cowboy killed a rattle snake with his bare hands. It made me question whether I would ever be a real man.”
— Tom Matlack writer, husband, dad, investor
“I’m ashamed of my insecurity, my paranoia, and my inability to live into the kind of positive, brave, playful spirit I want to bring out in my actions. But I’m also ashamed of my capacity for excessive shame, which is a luxury that yields very few real-world benefits, can contribute to some habits that run contrary to my better goals, and plays to my capacity for narcissism and self-pity. In the end, I believe I am the product of my biology and environment with nothing to be proud or ashamed of—and I try to keep that perspective, when I can.”
— Tom Head
My shame is stupidity.
I was the smart one. The lines in the yearbook of life proved it. Did this. Scored that. Won big.
I was the first in my class to publish a book.
Then I burned out. Wanted an office job. Asked a theater owner for one.
“Sorry,” he said. “But I’m producing a Costa-Gavras film in Chile: ‘State of Siege.’ Want to work on it?”
I was on rails. I declined. Stupid. Very.
I’ve had a great life, but looking back on that moment — and I do — I wonder: Who might I have become?
— Jesse Kornbluth, editor of HeadButler.com
I’m ashamed that I can’t always provide everything my wife and daughters want. I feel ashamed when I say, “No, we can’t afford that,” or “We can’t afford that right now,” as if somehow that’s what being a good provider is. But doesn’t being a husband mean knowing when and how to conserve (as in ‘husband one’s resources’)? I’m confused
~Stuart Horwitz, writer/editor, www.bookarchitecture.com
An issue that I was talking to my male friends this weekend was guilt/shame that they feel over their dreams – especially when they have hot sex dreams about someone (past girlfriend, random movie star, etc) that is NOT their current partner.
— Jocelyn Wentland, PhD Student Human Sexuality Research Lab, University of Ottawa, www.sexresearchandthecity.com
I’m ashamed by the popularization of the phrase “man up” to encourage stereotyping, unrealistic expectation-setting, and the burying of both feelings and vulnerability. For men, being your authentic self — whoever that is — is much more courageous and productive than conforming to a characterization grounded in fiction.
— Joel Schwartzberg, Essayist and Author, “The 40-Year-Old Version” (www.bookfordad.com)
“I don’t earn much money.”
Blessed Shame: the reason we change our underwear.
Don’t let anyone fool you; shame is important. I carry a little nearly everywhere.
If shame was on Catholic school report cards, I’d have made the honor roll every year. I spent my summers repeating geometry, but graduated at the top of my shame class.
Friends from other schools asked what I was so ashamed of. Duh! Thoughts, actions, my body, other people’s bodies. I mean … hello?
I still don’t trust people who act like they’re not ashamed of anything. Without shame, there’s world chaos. Shame is why we wear clean underwear every day. We need it. Embrace it.
“As a man, I am most ashamed of how often I want out of my familial and vocational responsibilities. I don’t think much about leaving, but I do fantasize about what my life would be like if I didn’t get married at 21, have two children before 25, or quit teaching because more money needed to come in. I feel guilt whenever I want this because I know just what I would be giving up.”
— anonymous
“Forgiveness postponed or, worse yet, denied.”
— Lome Aseron, Blogging at LIFEclectic and NewDadforLife
“Unlike most other sins I’ve committed in life so far, my failures with women provoke actual embarrassment and guilt. I’ve sabotaged relationships, bungled and spurned clear opportunities to build others, and hurt good people I care about because of my inability to trust and a long-harbored delusion that somewhere, somehow, I could do better. I’m an ass, I know I’m an ass, I’ve worked diligently to better myself, and I’m sorry. It doesn’t change the past, though, and I don’t know if that sense of shame will ever fully vanish.”
“The problem with male guilt is its pervasiveness in our social beliefs. As women, we often stereotype men, much to their detriment (philanderers, dead-beat dads, “pigs” with one-track minds, etc.). By doing this we are lowering the bar for our society by making our men believe these stereotypes are indeed the behavioural norm, and what we define as “Good Men” the exception rather than the rule. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecy!
Why is it not okay to stereotype women or by sexuality, race or community, but its perfectly acceptable to stereotype men?
As in the Catholic concept of Original Sin, I do not believe all babies are born into sin. I also do not believe that all men are born to be mysoginistic, sexist, or otherwise of detriment to women.”
GirlGlad4theGMP
“As a man, I’m ashamed of the ridiculous and harmful physical standards that we hold women to, in our society. It makes me equally mad and sad that many women are walking around this world with breasts, lips, and butts that are not originally theirs. It make me even madder and sadder that we, as a materialistic, visually obsessed society, have tricked those women into thinking such fresh body parts will give them a happier life and a higher quality of love.”
— Eli Kaplan, advice columnist from She Said He Said
“I carry shame and guilt from childhood abuse. I only recently realized that it’s not my shame, but I still carry it. I have never been able to look at myself in the mirror for more than a few seconds:
With both my eyes closed
I know the mirror reflects
I do not exist
Someone once told me that guilt was a useless emotion. Therapy is teaching me that it’s a compass:
welcome guilt’s presence
respect it, listen to it
god is nudging you
This next haiku is me future-tripping. I am working the the forgiveness part. They say that words create so let’s see what happens:
Shame on you, parents
I’ve hated you long enough
I forgive you both”
“At a young age, and at seldom occasions in my 20s, people have wanted me to feel ashamed for not being the typical macho man. Maybe it’s the ghetto I grew up in, maybe it’s the unexposed individuals I grew up with. In high school I felt so guilty about being uncommon, I started wearing baggy clothes, and sagging my pants. I snapped out of it but not being typical is definitely something I still think about from time. Luckily for me, the same distinguished savvy look and personalities that are in the magazines, the tv shows and movies, have been what I’m striving to incorporate in my lifestyle. So hate on haters!”
— Osiris R. Azar, Follow me on twitter: @RastaLaVistaBby
“I felt mortified each time I was called “Fat Ass” at school. That’s why I wore baggy jeans.
In junior high, when directed to “strip for gym,” my heart inevitably sank. That meant changing in the presence of others and, worse, showering and enduring cruel taunts from trimmer classmates.
In high school, I was predictably dazzled by the good looks and on-the-field prowess of our quarterback and acknowledged track champion. He was called “Iron Man” until he died mysteriously on the playing field.
His death convinced me to worry less about being ridiculed and more about just continuing to live.”
—Self-Conscious Soren
I am most ashamed of the fact that while I intellectually and morally appreciate, applaud and respect the vast range of female body types and sizes and ages, with all their human imperfections and realities, on a purely instinctual, sexual, and involuntary level, I am still primarily turned on by women who look like Barbie dolls.
“I’m ashamed about the unconscious manner I treated women for decades. I used and abused them as if they were disposable. The sense that I hurt women because I was selfish and incapable of emotional connection still bubbles up and I feel guilt and shame when it does. My marriage is different because I did the emotional work in my men’s group to connect my head and heart, but I have to think about how I’m treating my wife every morning when I wake up. It remains a conscious effort for me, and likely always will, but I am adamant about not behaving in a way that creates more guilt and shame.”
“I’m guilty of pretending to need to use the bathroom, to be free from my two kids for a few glorious moments. As an at-home dad, the idea of toilet as escapism is highly useful and, sometimes, rather efficient use of my time. If you know what I mean.”
— Jeff Bogle, author of the parenting & kid’s media web magazine OWTK. Find him on Twitter @OWTK where some of his tweets take place while, um, predisposed.
“In the past, I had a lot to be ashamed of. Too much to talk about in a quote but I will get to it on GMP. I suppose in the present I’m most ashamed of my inability to maintain a healthy weight…And everything that comes with being a slightly corpulent man. However, the man in me wants to say I’m most ashamed of admitting I am ashamed of anything.”
“There are plenty of negative aspects to shame, but there are also some positives. For example, shows you what you believe about yourself and what your vulnerabilities are. When you feel shame, you are subconsciously consenting to what was said about you. Hmmm, sounds complicated you say. Fair enough, here’s an example. If someone were to call me stupid, it would roll right off my back. No part of me feels stupid. I have a PhD from the University of Chicago, and they don’t just hand those out for free. I have full faith in my intellectual abilities. Now, when someone calls me ugly, I feel a flush of shame, because when I was a kid, I felt ugly, and part of me still feels that way sometimes, so that indicates that I am still carrying around that belief about myself, buried in my subconscious. When someone insults you and you get upset, part of you believes the insult might be true, that’s insight into what you believe about yourself, and it indicates what you might want to work on as personal growth.”
“Ordering fluff drinks at the bar.”
— anonymous
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Many thanks to Stephen Sheffield for the amazing photos for this entire series.
As a MAN, I’m not ashamed of anything. I reject the notion of collective guilt for any collectiivity in which I didn’t have a part in organizing. No one asked me a damned thing when it came time to organize the current sex-gender structure so I have no complaints re: guilt and masculinity.
As a PERSON, I probably feel the most guilty about the way I’ve neglected my birth family in the two decades following my migration to Brazil.
I think that a total lack of shame is unhealthy and is indicative of, at best, a totally-unexamined life. I’m ashamed of times when I did not stand up for others enough and of a handful of times when I was young in picking on people who annoyed me or were different. I should be ashamed of those things, and feeling shame lets me know that somewhere inside me is still a good man trying to make it to the surface.
I agree with Jeff on the bathroom trick. I frankly use it on my wife as much as my kids. There are times when I get overwhelmed by social pressure and just need a minute to collect myself.
As to guilt over loving the female form I disagree. It’s hardwires and a good thing when channelled appropriately. I think my wife is stereotypically beautiful but honestly I don’t know anymore because she is beautiful to me by virtue of my love for her. I feel no guilt at seeing her as a creature I admire.
Terribly ashamed of the lack of time I spent with my two sons when they were younger. Selfishly placed my own interests first.
I’m humbled at the honesty and transparency here. <3 to all the men who contributed to this article.
1. I grew up in a rough neighborhood. I’m always internally afraid I’m a coward (even when I haven’t acted that way.) So shame from that, and from a few times I didn’t stand up for myself enough.
2. Some sexual shame from growing up in the 50s. Some is necessary, I think, to keep us from going wild about sex, but I believe that many of us carry surplus shame. I’ve probably had a few too many adventures in reaction.
there is no such thing as courage. There is only confidence born of experience or the ability to assess a situation and react accordingly. Some people are better at that than others. Doesn’t make the others cowards. How many men do you know who would challenge a grizzly? The Masai used to have to kill a lion with just a spear.. They acquired the ‘courage’ to do that by years of watching older boys ground the but of the spear and let the lion impale itself on the spear. But it was not courage on their part that allowed them… Read more »
interesting.
Guilt weakens and inspires fear (albeit fear is not always bad); however, positive reinforcement strenghthens. Guilting people into doing what’s right doesn’t work long term. For example, I feel guilty that I had a failed business. I learned some hard lessons from that, which reminds me what not to do but not especiallly what TO do. The reason guilting others into doing what they (per you) should do is because you are trying to get them to react based on your conscience, not theirs. What does work is positive reinforcement, helping people to see the benefits to themselves and others… Read more »
You’re on the wrong article. This one is about shame, not guilt.
Replace “guilt” with “shame.”
YOu can’t replace guilt with shame. They’re not synonyms. As has been explained. So I’m not going to do it again.
But then, you’re on your own crusade, you’re not really here to advance any kind of dialogue.