Damien Bohler took sex off the table, and started a relationship with a woman he felt emotionally connected to… But something was still off.
We were sitting on the rocks of a cliff watching the late evening sunlight sparkle across the open expanse of ocean before us.
I turned to her and said I had something I wanted to share. She looked at me, eyes widening slightly. Nervously I began to tell the story of what I had discovered in the last instalment of this series, called Taking Sex off the Table.
I shared with her how I felt confused in my sexuality and at this moment I didn’t really quite know what I wanted, only that I was taking sex off the table for a while. I shared that I liked her company and if she was open to it I would like to explore something I had recently discovered that I was calling “platonic sensual touch.”
She said “yes” and I trepidatiously reached out and took her hand, which shifted gradually into us nestling close together as the sun continued its descent with a warm orange glow permeating the cloud cover.
A simple and honest request, despite the anxieties it caused, created a space for us to know it was okay to touch one another. We dropped quickly into intimacy—sharing touch, conversations, activities and eventually a bed.
As we had more time together her desire for me became apparent and, being curious, I went with it. I liked the way this woman thought, I liked that she could understand the way I thought, and that we could engage in deeper contemplative discussions about many topics.
And so we kissed… a little… and slept together, cuddled and experienced mutual turn-on. Through it all I managed to hold to my intention not to have sex, as it still felt all tangled up for me. Despite my initial request for platonic sensual touch, somehow our agreement got broken without us creating a new agreement. It was clear to me we had moved beyond being merely platonic, and I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about that, only that I knew something was off.
I liked who this woman was. She was funny, smart and spiritually inclined. She ‘got’ me, or at least more of me than many of the women I had seen before her did. We had shared jokes and an ease in relating and adventuring together, yet when she pushed for more, I started retracting.
I began to feel less interest in touching and cuddling with her and energetically I felt myself making distance. I wanted to be attracted to her, yet somehow I wasn’t. Nothing changed that.
My body just did not respond to her in the way it does when someone really sparks attraction in me, and I became increasingly uncomfortable by our relationship. In some way I felt my original request was not respected, by both of us, and my being was reacting accordingly by contracting and withdrawing.
Through this whole process, a previously unseen aspect of myself surfaced. Here with a woman I enjoyed, who was attracted to me, I became aware of trying to force myself to feel attraction for her. Suddenly I saw how this pattern had been showing up in my life that for a long time. I had been either trying to force myself to be emotionally attracted to those women I found physically attractive or trying to force myself to be physically attracted to those women I found mentally and emotionally attractive. Neither of these approaches was working for me and had many times caused me to do things I would later regret.
The experience became apparent as this unceasing attempt to batter my way through an unbreakable wall, as if I could intentionally rewire my very biology. I saw how exhausting and how much tension this had been creating with me and from this arising insight I realised that it was okay to be incredibly discerning about what I wanted, and that there was no shame in holding out for that. To continuously settle for less than what I want feeds the mentality that believed I had no other choice.
That mentality has shifted.
Below, advice from relationship expert Shana James
Hi Damien,
It seems like it took a lot of courage to ask for a relationship with platonic touch — like you found the strength inside of yourself to ask for what you wanted beyond expectations and ideas of how you should be. I feel inspired by that. If each of us had the courage to do this, I think relationships would be much more intimate, healing and fulfilling.
The realization that you have a natural attraction toward some women and not others feels powerful and freeing for you. To allow your natural attraction rather than forcing yourself into closeness allows for relationships you genuinely want to be in.
For the reader, take a moment to consider: Have you forced or pressured yourself to enter into, or stay in, relationship when it doesn’t fully feel right?
For you and the reader: What are your reasons for doing that? For example, you may have a belief that there’s no one better out there, or that you don’t deserve the woman you want. It’s different for anyone.
I don’t believe there is a “perfect match” out there, but I do believe you can sink deeper than your ideas about who is right and wrong for you, and use your heart and body’s wisdom to determine whether a relationship is growing and expanding you, or whether it is dulling and contracting you. There is no right answer and it takes practice to tune into yourself, listen and trust your responses.
On another note, I admit to wondering whether the broken agreement had a part in your fading attraction. It’s not clear to me whether the attraction was there in the first place and then disappeared, or whether it was stunted when the boundary you set was crossed. Even though there was no harm intended, the actions did not align with what you said you wanted.
In my own relationships, and with my clients, it has been shocking to see how attraction wanes when people withhold truth. When someone feels unseen, unheard, disrespected, rejected, or pushed away, turn-on is quick to fade.
If boundaries are broken and unacknowledged the foundation of a relationship crumbles. A practice to keep the foundation strong is:
1. The one who broke the boundary acknowledges the broken boundary. (In your case it would be both of you)
2. The one who broke the boundary asks the other person whether s/he would first like to be involved in a conversation and exploration about the cause and situation of the broken boundary, or share the impact it has had on him/her.
3. Continue with exploration or sharing impact (whichever has not yet happened)
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free4.The one who broke the boundary makes amends. S/he offers something to the other person as a peace offering. It is not meant to take away the pain or negative impact but it is something that ease the blow the receiver has felt.
5. Recommit to or renegotiate the boundary. (You may realize the boundary doesn’t work for you in it’s current form. In that case it is time to renegotiate. Otherwise you can recommit.)
I am curious to see what happens now that you’ve recognized you will no longer force yourself or settle. On to the next phase of your journey!
With love,
Shana
Read the rest of the Authentic Man Experiment series.
Photo: Flickr/Rene Bastiaanssen
I have encountered some of this in myself, and believe it is an internalization of the “Madonna/Whore” complex: women who are sexy can’t be partners, and women who are worthy of love can’t be sexy. It is a shame. I believe it is possible to “re-wire,” but it takes time and a bit of effort because we have to re-write the stories of our childhoods. As I allow the whole person in myself, I will allow it in you.
I have encountered some of this in myself, and believe it is an internalization of the “Madonna/Whore” complex: women who are sexy can’t be partners, and women who are worthy of love can’t be sexy. It is a shame. I believe it is possible to “re-wire,” but it takes time and a bit of effort because we have to re-write the stories of our childhoods. As I allow the whole person in myself, I will allow it in you.
I’m not quite certain what the point is. Why remove sex, sexuality from an otherwise intimate relationship? To me, it goes hand in hand. If I feel that close and comfortable sharing touch with someone, I naturally want to experience more.
I agree with you – but that is probably because your desire to touch in an intimate relationship (if you’re heterosexual and this relationship is with an opposite sex individual) is born out your physical attraction to this individual. In this case, the author seems to never have the intellectual connection be congruent with his physical attraction. So if you find your planets aligned, carpe diem!
In the absence of serious mental or physical problems, I think most couples can get the intimacy and love they need from a relationship. In my limited experience, shared values and a sense of humour are make or break issues.
“Despite my initial request for platonic sensual touch, somehow our agreement got broken without us creating a new agreement. It was clear to me we had moved beyond being merely platonic, and I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about that, only that I knew something was off.” Not to take this too far off track, but this illustrates something I teach guys struggling with sex in their marriage. The minute a woman (LTR/married woman) realizes you don’t NEED her, but simply WANT, enjoy, respect, adore, and appreciate is when THEIR physical attraction triggers. Not all the time, but many… Read more »
I was dating a very sexually attractive woman when I met my friend, my future wife. I had been married before but was such a child ruled by the netherlands. Anyway, to get to the point, my wife to be and I had great platonic times together for about 5 years. She was never married, and physically was not all that attractive to me, and I told her that. I was the one when we became attached that because she couldn’t decide if she wanted kids, I had 3 from before and was absolutely sure I didn’t want any more,… Read more »
What this says to me, in its simplest form, is that it’s better to know somebody fully, intimately and intellectually before moving on to a physical relationship. I think this would result in a trend of longer lasting couples. Call it whatever you like.
I think it would result in significantly fewer (physical) relationships, since far from everyone have the good fortune to meet their “soul mate” in their lifetime. But the ones that did form would probably last longer, as you say.
Platonic touch seems almost an oxymoron. It was confusing to read and process. I imagine it was confusing for her to interpret. Could have sent a mixed signal that she then got blamed for the results of
Damien Bohler that is such an awesome peek into your internal struggles. Boundaries are really essential to honour. For me I was physically attracted to my guy before I was emotionally involved. I knew how I would respond to him to know I was emotionally attracted. The child (the heart) in me comes out to play. The playful, vulnerable, sweet, fun-loving, corny, affectionate nature of the child in me just had a riot. I had told him from the ‘get go’ that if he lied to me, the bitch will come out. The ‘bitch’ essentially was the woman (the mind),… Read more »
I love the depth of your response, and your willingness to share your inner feelings. Your clarity inspires me to search my emotional depths and get honest with myself!
I had a woman friend with whom I shared platonic touch. That’s what she wanted from me, I felt at the time, friendship. But as time went by, I got emotionally vulnerable and fell for her. My ego defenses tried to shut it down by going for sexual fantasy, controlled but without passion, to keep me from going beyond into the unknown of intimacy. I lost her, because I couldn’t communicate my feelings. I wasn’t ready to let love happen, but she was so she moved on and found someone else. I’m still getting over that, and practicing coming from… Read more »