“I was stunned to see women around me fall all over themselves to ‘help’ this ‘poor dad’ manage the baby.”
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I’m a frequent air traveler and dread sitting in the row with a baby. Truth be told, I dread sitting in the row ahead or behind the baby, too.
Today, I sat next to Fiona, a baby who was traveling with her Dad. No Mom in sight. Just Dad.
And I was stunned to see women around me fall all over themselves to “help” this “poor dad” manage the baby. If I hadn’t been reading posts from The Good Men Project for so long, I might have been one of them.
• “You poor thing! Where is your MOMMY?” they cooed, dripping with judgment of the Mommy who would so selfishly send her child on a PLANE with a hapless Dad.
• “Let me help you with that bottle,” they volunteered, without seeing the fact that Dad had this totally covered.
• “It’s so much to handle by yourself, isn’t it?” they commiserated, silently adding, “Of course I would never do that!”
I have no doubt that these same women – and I count myself recently among them – would have been staring daggers at the Mom had she been traveling alone with the same baby. The minute that baby began to think about considering to wail, the women would have been rolling their eyes at the mom: “Get that baby under control for gosh sakes!”
No one would have been reaching into the diaper bag without being asked. They would assume the Mom would know when to reach and for what and when.
No one would have blamed “Daddy” for staying home. But that absent, negligent Mom? Lucky she missed the kangaroo court that hung her in absentia.
Watching this unfold beside me, I first saw how shortsighted it was to assume Dad couldn’t handle this with great competence and good cheer. Which, by the way, he did.
I didn’t see it before. I do now.
I heard how everyone referred to the missing mother as “Mommy” and the traveling parent as Dad, rather than the parallel construction of “Daddy.” Interesting how those monikers diminutize the mother and elevate the father.
I didn’t hear it before, I do now.
Finally, what gives that we react to the identical scenario so differently (baby on the plane with only one wrangler) based on the gender of the adult? Why is it so awful that a baby cries when it’s with Mom, but it’s endearing when it’s crying with Dad?
So, on behalf of solo traveling Dads: I apologize for my past judgments that maybe you aren’t ready for primetime, given your gender. My eyes are open.
On behalf of solo traveling mothers: I’m sorry for the daggers I’ve stared your way. You’re doing the best you can.
And to the Collective Plane Riding Adult public: Don’t intercede with a solo father, just because you see his gender. Look at the situation and offer to help. Don’t just swoop in and assume you know more than he does, just because he’s a Dad.
Don’t intercede with a solo father, just because you see his gender.
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I’m glad my eyes are open, and I feel dumb that I never saw it before. But then, that’s what this site is meant to do. And I’m glad it does.
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Photo by Flickr/Rob Lawton
More Articles by Jane Beard:
Why They’re Not Listening to You
How Your Fake Confidence is Hurting Your Real Confidence
What Audiences Want in the Age of Twitter
I’ve been that dad. Not on a plane, but in many a grocery store, a playground or two, and even pushing a stroller down the street. My first visceral response was DON’T TOUCH MY KID! A baby in distress is the parents’ responsibility, and folks should leave us to our business.
This is where I stop myself before rambling on so long that I forget to make dinner for my kids.
For me, it’s not the noise. I feel sorry for the baby. To the OP, consider that in some airlines men will not be seated next to an unaccompanied minor. Suspicion of men and children runs a lot deeper than an inability to perform child care.
I travel a lot–for fun and for work. Nearly nothing is as irritating as a crying child on an plane for a traveler. Regardless of the gender of the parent, I judge.
When a baby cries on a plane, what I feel is overwhelming sympathy for the parent. That must be agony. I never had a kid, but I know what it feels like to feel as if you are inconveniencing others, and it’s awful. I know people are assholes about it. I just don’t know why. Taking an infant ot a theater and staying in the theater with a wailing infant is one thing. But sometimes you have to take the baby on a plane! That is someting I’m sure NO ONE does if they can avoid it. Why be a… Read more »
Two of our three always behaved better for me so I’d take the brunt on tri
Completely separately… this photo is awesome.
Excellent piece, and excellent points all around. I just wish people would get over the entire concept of glaring at and/or resenting parents with crying babies on planes. The child is in distress, and the parent isn’t enjoying the crying either. Get some noise-cancelling headphones and help yourselves to some compassion and basic human decency. It’s not expensive.
The only problem with this article is that the OP basically takes a slight against A DAD , in fact ALL DADS and turns it into a slight against MOMS, kinda reminds me of certain groups to take the forced selective service against Men both now and in the past and claims it is the oppression of women.
what a refreshing article! it’s perspectives like this that will help shift our society into being accepting of equality in parenting. I just got back from living in Sweden and everywhere you go there are solo dads with their babes and kids. Hope this healthy behavior gets to this side of the pond soon. Thanks for this thoughtful piece.