Eric Moody gives us an updated definition of masculinity.
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This is kind of personal to me, and I really don’t like showing my underbelly and all my soft vulnerable parts; but having said that, I think it takes a wee bit of courage to admit faults, to think critically about the person you are, to seek guidance, and start an inner monologue to address issues and ultimately fix them. If not “fix” at least strive to overcome the most negative—the benefit is in the struggle. The struggle to overcome whatever it is you’re dealing with is what I believe to be a key principle in redemption, for lack of a better word (faith-driven, for me, use whatever fits).
Most everything I’m putting down here I have been guilty of. People who know me personally know this is fact, and although I’m not too proud of it, I’m admitting it. The reason I’m penning this is to think about it and perhaps change my inner thought process so I can help myself.
I’ve been married for a couple of decades now, and frankly, I’m surprised my wife sticks around. She is a stronger “man” than I’ll ever be. This brings me to another point which I find totally amusing—the term “masculinity” has commonly been given associated words such as “robust, strong, manly, manliness, muscular, vibrant,” etc. I’ve watched my wife carry and give birth to our children. I have to say, that of all the things I’ve been through, and all the “strength” I’ve had and have, all the “manly” things I’ve done—nothing could EVER make me want to even attempt that. The ‘weaker’ sex? HA! Anyway, let’s move on…
[Note: I saw the term ‘heteronormative’ used the other day. I am who I am and this is for me. I do not intend nor encourage any disrespect to any walks of life; this is me and me only. Use whatever language suits your situation.]
Here is your updated definition of masculinity from some random guy (me). Not everything suits every man, so if something resonates, great.
- Taking care of your family: providing food and shelter for them OR providing care for them if Mom is the one providing food and shelter.
- Providing your children an education; both on the world and on basic fundamental education.
- Protecting your family at all costs; protecting your spouse from physical AND verbal abuse, and not being a party to supporting either, in any way shape or form—protecting your children in all stages of life.
- Teaching your sons how to treat women, beginning with their sisters and their mother and any other female relatives or close friends you have.
- Accepting your children for who they are and who they turn out to be—no matter what form that might take.
- Teaching your children your faith, if you have one and it’s important to you; but not forcing them if they choose to stray or find a different calling later in life. Love them no matter what they choose—but you should guide them if their decisions will ultimately result in danger.
- Acting like a responsible adult and not giving in to anger, especially in front of your children.
- Showing the value of hard work and responsibility, and helping others less fortunate either with time or money, if you can.
- Showing love and affection to your spouse and your children—often.
- Treating women with dignity and respect and not objectifying them for their physical attributes.
- Not offering unsolicited advice or becoming guilty of body shaming, whether against larger or smaller women.
- Avoiding playing into the “real man” garbage in sexualizing everything.
- Not having irresponsible sex or EVER forcing a woman into having sex and knowing exactly when to back off when you get that first signal.
- You don’t undress a woman with your eyes, even though they are extremely beautiful to you. Appreciation is one thing; blatant visual fornication is not cool.
- Stopping sexually charged conversations in the workplace, especially when women are in employment. (This is a tough one and very common. Guilty as charged.)
- Not scoffing at women in power by assuming “they don’t deserve to be there, they’re not men, they don’t know…” This might seem ancient, but I have heard this in my lifetime.
- Respecting women in power, but not necessarily agreeing with everything they stand for if you do not support their political stance, just because they are women. There are three off the top of my head I could name right now which I’m extremely disappointed in, but it’s NOT because they’re women.
- Supporting and NOT criticizing a “stay at home dad” because he’s “not a real man”. If my wife could make as much or more than me, and I could do it, I would. However, I’d probably wait till most of my kids were out on their own (literally laughing out loud-in-my-head at that one; because it is a much tougher job than the one I have, you can trust me on that).
- Avoiding using female-oriented “words” (derogatory in nature) in reference to someone “less-than” in your opinion; you know the words I’m referring to: “don’t be such a…”
- Admitting when you have done, or not done, all or one or some of these things and accepting the fact that perhaps you should change your way of thinking.
- Helping to change a long-standing culture of sexual objectification of women by being the first man you know to change how you think about these things.
- Knowing and observing other respectable men, the men YOU respect as ones who would do or not do these things, and try emulating their actions. Be the man you respect in other men, and convince others to do the same.
- Changing the culture by changing your inner self—first.
Some of my “manly” friends might think this is silly, especially some of the ones I’ve had personal relationships, friendships and many—experiences—with, and they’d be ok to do that; because if I saw this from a few of my friends, I would probably laugh my ass off. Then I would shut up quick because I’d be guilty of perpetuating the thoughts and actions he’s writing about. I’m throwing this out there because I know I have a problem with a number of these things and I want to fix them. My first step in doing that is admitting it. I can be a jerk. I know this.
This article I read had far less words than mine, but his bulleted remarks hit on many of the things (some) “real men” might be guilty of, and I’m included. All the sexual harassment training the military and civilian sector are throwing out—I understand why they do it and it’s needed; but perhaps as we evaluate ourselves and seriously consider why we think about certain things the way we do, we’ll begin to change the culture of this ‘thing’ beginning with each person—share it and teach our children something worthy to pass on to their children. Over time maybe we’ll reach a balance where we’re not as dehumanizing as what we appear to be.
Not to say that there are not great people out there; there sure are. Many men I have met and have become friends with are men I consider to be respectable gentlemen, and when I think of what it means to be a “real man” those friends’ names come into my mind—and many of them are on my Facebook friends list and probably reading this. They’re everywhere; but as we know, our culture hasn’t yet evolved enough to say they might not overpopulate the negative, selfish thinkers (like me)—just food for thought.
All of these things I need help with and all those things I described, in my opinion (in a brief part) should be what a “real man” is made of and…
…ALL of it…
I learned from my wife.
She has taught me more about what it is to be a real man than any of the “real men” out there. Without her, I’d still be the stupid, teenage idiot, women-bashing fool that I had been for so long. She isn’t responsible for saying “you need to act this way or do these things,” she just exudes a personality I desire as a man through her example. I hope you are as lucky.
Every now and then, something makes me really think about who I am and how I can improve myself. This is one of those times.
Peace, and be well.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
“if you need to watch other people having sex in various positions and styles, you are probably a loser with no imagination, ” “I was a loser, too. ” Speak for yourself. “Watching porn doesn’t make you a “real man” or “real woman” it just makes you a pervert who doesn’t have any imagination.” Speak for yourself. “That’s why as a military man, I have to endure COUNTLESS FUCKING HOURS of mandatory sexual harassment training because of assholes like you who need perversion to fulfill your sexual fantasies.” Sexual harassment existed before porn did. ” 3) if you need to… Read more »
Thanks for your input. I apologize for coming off as an a**hole, when in fact I was trying to use this as a means for myself to not be one…apparently I need to learn some decorum when “worrying” about online banter. Appreciate the honesty and different perspectives. I’m bowing out. Peace.
@ Megalodon
My browser refreshed and I lost one point I was trying to make. I already pasted it from word pad and decided to add one thing. I forgot to put it back.
The easiest way for a man not to be a sucker when he has been suckered is to make sure every other man is suckered. I think that’s what you’re seeing. If everyone is a victim no one is in their minds or at least the hierarchy of masculinity is not upset.
@ Megalodon “If you told female persons that they might want to constrain and restrict their personal sexual choices because choices might make them unsuited to monogamous, conjugal relationships, then that might be considered some kind of presumptive and sexist viewing of their sexuality.” I’ve seen this theme many times and I have a theory. I’m reminded of a book I read a long time ago. I believe it was Tom Sawyer. I don’t remember all the details, but it went something like this. Tom and a couple other guys decide to put on a show. They have seating for… Read more »
BTW, why is it that out of the 307 likes, (+/-), 50+ shares, and 20+ Tweets, my only negative driven comments (2/3) are from people that can’t even use their real names on a thread? Just curious.
Just a guess. I might be almost 50, but I used to kick box. I probably don’t get intimidated as easily as most. Other people may actually feel threatened especially after your rant.
Thanks for being real.
Maybe because those tweets and likes come from internet hangers-on and other people who don’t even read it or care what it says and just claim to like it because they expect the same “click” support from you as a way of reciprocal shallow self-promotion.
Yeah, you could be right.
It doesn’t matter whether they use their real names or not. What matters is whether their points are valid or not. This is little more than pointless ‘say it to my face’ macho posturing.
Holy shit, I’ve tried to type this reply four fucking times and it keeps reloading and blocking and “stop script?”ing me, etc…what the holy hell is wrong with this website??? Anyway, here’s my point. Please forgive the frustration, as it’s been fueled by internet frustration and stupidity…but, my take on porn is: 1) if you need to watch other people having sex in various positions and styles, you are probably a loser with no imagination, and the “it enhances my sex life and there’s nothing wrong with it” just doesn’t jibe with me. I’ve done it. I was a loser,… Read more »
Ah, your true opinion comes out, in all its contemptuous glory.
For future reference, you may want to type lengthy replies on Word first and then paste them onto here. That way, your long, frustrating replies won’t get eaten up by page reloads.
@ Megalodon
“Ah, your true opinion comes out, in all its contemptuous glory.”
Now I can say he is being disingenuous rather than coming off as. Just someone pretending not to be a moralizing a**hole.
@ Eric Moody
If you think that the reason you’ have to take sexual harassment training is because some guys use porn or visit prostitutes, then you didn’t learn a damn thing. The thing with sexual harassment is that it’s unwanted. YOU’RE the reason other guys have to take the training.
Good point, taken and logged. I need to develop thicker skin when posting publicly 🙂
Eric, I know the reload is annoying so what I’ve done in the past is type it on a word document then cut and paste it.
Teaching your children your faith, if you have one and it’s important to you; but not forcing them if they choose to stray or find a different calling later in life. Love them no matter what they choose—but you should guide them if their decisions will ultimately result in danger. This kind of “live and let live” mantra of allowing your children to freely choose their beliefs might not jive with a lot of faiths. If your faith teaches that there is a place called hell and that you will go there if you do not believe a certain way,… Read more »
All the negative about religion and people of faith … not surprised these days. Many people of faith do the right thing … they “live” their faith and when you live your faith, it rubs off on the kids as well as others. We educate our kids about our beliefs and not the fire and brimstone stuff but instead the richness and beauty of the faith. Children pick up on the their parents love for their faith and see the excitement in their lives. I never forced my kids but they were brought up taking interest in God, prayer and… Read more »
Mr. Brechlin, it’s great that you and the people you know try to lead by example and do not impose or force belief systems upon children or spouses. However, not all people (religious or non-religious) have that same commitment their children’s or other family members’ freedom of conscience or choice of belief. So some religious parents may not place a high value on their children’s freedom to choose or reject certain beliefs. Some such parents may feel entitled or obligated to compel or coerce their children to believe certain things for the sake of their souls. Mr. Moody said that… Read more »
as soon as it said that ‘my wife is a stronger man than me’ or something, i stopped reading
…bullshit was coming…
ima give this site one more shot.
LOL! Thanks for your honesty. Can’t please everyone. Anyway, it was more anecdotal than a literal statement.
Granted, I’ve seen many articles on here I cannot stand. I’m not basing my view of the entire site on the opinions of a few authors.
“They’re everywhere; but as we know, our culture hasn’t yet evolved enough to say they might not overpopulate the negative, selfish thinkers” As well it should be because and here’s food for thought, you might be trying not to moralize or shame men, but you’re coming off as disingenuous. Here’s the upshot. Either everyone works off the same list or you’ll always get more “selfish” thinkers than not because they’re working off different lists. You can’t have it both ways. For example, I see no problem with objectifying women in the right context and to the right extent. For clarification,… Read more »
As I typed out a long reply to this, I lost it in the click of a mouse… So I will be more brief than last time. In your opinion I’m coming off as disingenuous. Maybe others think the same thing. However, this is personal to me and it started out as a “note” on Facebook that got some attention and now it’s here. I guess my point is I know many men think this way. No, not all of course, but I bet many will resonate with some of the things on here. If you can use porn, strip… Read more »
If you can use porn, strip clubs and prostitution and not have any issues carrying on a normal love and sex life, then more power to you. For many men it removes an intimate element. If you told female persons that they might want to constrain and restrict their personal sexual choices because choices might make them unsuited to monogamous, conjugal relationships, then that might be considered some kind of presumptive and sexist viewing of their sexuality. Likewise, I am not sure about this assumption that men should constrain their personal, sexual choices based on the assumption that the sum… Read more »
You know what’s interesting, is I never used the word ‘porn’ in my article at all, yet I’ve seen two replies thus far commenting on it. Perhaps these were from the article I cited/referenced with my hyperlink? I also never said ‘normal’ in anything but my reply up there. Normal is to what each person’s view is, not mine, obviously. See, the point of all these articles are take from them what you want and leave the rest. If another idea suits your needs better, please write about it so there is a more broad learning element brought to the… Read more »
You know what’s interesting, is I never used the word ‘porn’ in my article at all, yet I’ve seen two replies thus far commenting on it. John Anderson first mentioned pornography by name in his comment. You responded to the pornography issue in his comment, and I responded to your response. My mention of the issue was not out of left field. Anyway, the issue of pornography can be probably fit under the umbrella of “objectification” you mention in your article. I also never said ‘normal’ in anything but my reply up there. Normal is to what each person’s view… Read more »