One woman says it’s not about being a perfect man, it’s about doing your best to be a good man. And that’s good enough.
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You’re a man who doesn’t rape, doesn’t blame victims. You don’t make rape jokes, you don’t deliver cat calls or sexually harass women. You don’t trivialize sexual assault, make or agree with sexist comments. You don’t try to police women’s bodies, what they wear, or judge a women’s sexuality. You don’t define yourself or other men by their dominance, or the number of women in which they’ve slept with.
You don’t tell her to be quieter, more obedient, more “ladylike.” You teach her that she is strong. She is smart. She is tough.
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You have a mother you appreciate. A mother who taught you to respect women. A partner who you’re thankful for and consider an equal. You have daughters who you value and encourage as much as your sons. You have female co-workers you learn from, you respect their authority or input. You have friends who are women you trust. Friends you’ve chosen because of their intellect, their hearts, women you’ve selected to have platonic relationships with and aren’t failed attempts at sexual conquest that left you in the “friendzone”.
You’re disgusted by rape culture because you’re a good man.
And you are. You follow your moral and ethical compasses. You put drunk friends in cabs instead encouraging them to drink more in hopes it will lead to sex. You stop yourself when you start to speak over a female in class or at work. You don’t berate or belittle the women who reject you. You don’t take up two seats with your legs on a subway bench and you don’t dismiss women as “crazy” when they show emotion or disagree with you.
You’re a good man.
You didn’t expect your partner to put her career on hold when you had children. She doesn’t do a disproportionate amount housework. You encourage your daughters’ interests. Last week you were playing trucks and this week you’re catching bugs. You don’t tell her to be quieter, more obedient, more “ladylike.” You teach her that she is strong. She is smart. She is tough. You live by example of the partner you hope that she one day finds.
You wish that you didn’t sometimes feel you needed to second-guess a women’s consent, wishing there was a magical “yes!” button, that you didn’t feel it was best to ask her twice, just in case because you don’t want to be that guy.
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You’re a good man so sometimes you feel that all of this shouldn’t be your responsibility. It’s not your fault that there are men who take advantage of women, hurt women, don’t value daughters or treat female associates as equals. You’re worn out by the statistics. You’re tired of approaching women and seeing their bodies physically recoil as if you would harm them. You have little to no control that your female counterparts makes nearly twenty-five percent less than you for the same work. You’re sick of attending sensitivity training. You wish that you didn’t sometimes feel you needed to second-guess a women’s consent, wishing there was a magical “yes!” button, that you didn’t feel it was best to ask her twice, just in case because you don’t want to be that guy.
You’re doing the best you can. You’re listening. You’re always learning and trying to be better.
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Sometimes you feel as if this all this awareness isn’t your responsibility. This continuous realization is exhausting. You are exhausted. You’re doing the best you can. You’re listening. You’re always learning and trying to be better.
But because you know that women are exhausted too, you consider your fatigue from what you hear about every day – the misogyny, harassment and outright dismissal, and worse, you observe much it firsthand.
But you’re a good man so you know that if hearing about it can be overwhelming, that observing it can feel horrifying, that living in this environment, with these kinds of concerns for physical safety, the threat of assault then not being believed, being barred from “boys’ clubs” both overtly and covertly, criticisms about dress, appearance, even the way in which a woman speaks, that living it surpasses your exhaustion.
You’re a good man. And you’re doing your best.
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Photo: Getty Images