Here’s the most used insult against men who might occasionally consider the point of view of women on the internet.
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Recently, I was called a Beta Male White Knight.
Gasp.
Actually, I was called a Beta Male White Knight for the 1,328th time. That is, a man who is unable to take a position of authority in any aspect of his daily affairs, and worst of all, presumably, in relation to the women in his life.
All he can do is dash around the internet trying to rescue women in chat rooms. A servile, craven shell of a man with hero fantasies and an abject fear of being frowned upon by the ladies.
Welcome to the ultimate put-down in the wild world of men’s dialogues on the inter webs.
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Welcome to the ultimate put-down in the wild world of men’s dialogues on the inter webs. Beta male white knight. Its the equivalent of being wedgied by the mean kids loitering across the street from a Gloria Steinem book signing. Its a verbal gelding. A big dose of Nancy Boy. A punking. Its the number one most used insult against people who might occasionally consider the point of view of women on the internet. (I know it sounds crazy, considering the point of view of women, but it happens.)
So, up pops Beta Male in the comments thread and somewhere out there, a keyboard is red hot. Someone is sitting back feeling vindicated. Cause they know it must super suck being called that…
Except that I actually don’t mind being called Beta. Not remotely. And here’s why.
1) Sometimes I Am Beta. Damn right I am.
I can’t tell you the number of men (and women) I’ve met who can’t relinquish the illusion of masculine control in their lives. And brother, they are some bug-eyed, pumped up, sweat-coated misery buckets.
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I’m Alpha sometimes. Beta others. If I had to be an Alpha Male 24/7, I’d just as soon bungie jump off the Manhattan Bridge, sans the bungie. I can’t tell you the number of men (and women) I’ve met who can’t relinquish the illusion of masculine control in their lives. And brother, they are some bug-eyed, pumped up, sweat-coated misery buckets. They, and anyone who has to spend five minutes in a conversation with them.
To live a full life, you have to move between the Alpha and Beta states. Which are actually artificial markers for the diverse continuum of give and take in human relationships. The whole art of living is to learn when to give over “authority” to others and when to choose to exercise it. We move toward the beta position in situations where we are not the expert, where we feel uncertain, where we are learning or exploring. It’s part of the practice of intentionally holding uncertainty and can be refreshingly powerful in a world obsessed with binary debates.
Men and women alike can acquire this flexible capacity. And when we do, life becomes so much better.
2) On Getting Called a Girly Girl.
When you get called a Beta Male, you’re actually getting called a girly man. Shocking, I know.
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The Beta thing is gendered. Shocking, I know. So, when you get called a Beta Male, you’re actually getting called a girly man. Which in our screwed up culture means expressing feelings, supporting others, and keeping an open mind. And here’s the part that’s supposed to sting, if your opinions are girly. You probably got them from girls.
But how about this: In living my life, I intentionally move between what are traditionally considered masculine and feminine spaces. I very much need to take ideas equally from both spaces to construct my world view.
I’m not going to automatically toss out half of the human experience just because our culture has a stick up its ass about gender issues.
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Because there’s really good stuff in what our culture insists on calling the feminine spaces. I don’t have time to go into how incredibly diverse men actually are, so instead, I’ll just note that the full gender spectrum is comprised of a vast range of diverse, incredibly rich ways to express our humanity. We all have the basic human right to access the full range of being human. I’m only passing through this world once, so I’m not going to automatically toss out half of the human experience just because our culture has a stick up its ass about gender issues.
3.) I Like the Team Beta Male Puts Me On
Finally, when I get called a Beta Male White Knight, it groups me with people I love and admire. I’m with the people who are breaking down gender walls and raising hell about the Man Box, (the rules by which we’re supposed to perform American masculinity.) And let me tell you, these people are fighting the good fight. They are bright, playful, exciting, innovative, sexy people who are so completely done with the old rules of how to live life.
4.) How Choosing Beta Can Empower Us
Beta is actually a powerful state, when it is chosen out of respect for what others know and understand.
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For me, Beta simply means not seeking to act from a place of authority. It can be an intentional position, taken by choice when circumstances call for it. And if you can not move toward the Beta position when it is called for, you are at risk for living half a life. Acting from a place of authority exclusively is a default position for people who seek safety in control and certainty, two positions which are illusory and self-deceptive. Beta is actually a powerful state, when it is chosen out of respect for what others know and understand.
So, here’s my advice. If you are a man (or a woman) who wants to celebrate life and living, the first thing you should do is toss out our culture’s messed up gender rules and move toward what works for you and those you love, regardless of what your culture tells you.
And here’s some friendly advice to the folks who call us Beta Males. I know you’re trying to make people feel bad. I get that. But next time, try calling me something I don’t actually aspire to.
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Read more by Mark Greene:
A Manifesto: Relational Intelligence For Our Children
The Ugly and Violent Death of Gender Conformity
When “Check Your Male Privilege” Becomes a Bludgeon
Why Are Death Rates Rising for Middle Aged White Americans?
When Men Keep Demanding Sex From Their Partners Over and Over
How the Man Box Can Kill Our Sons Now or Decades from Now
Why Traditional Manhood is Killing Us
Why Do We Murder the Beautiful Friendships of Boys?
How America’s Culture of Shame is a Killer for Boys
The Culture of Shame: Men, Love, and Emotional Self-Amputation
The Man Box: Why Men Police and Punish Others
The Man Box: The Link Between Emotional Suppression and Male Violence
The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer
Touch Isolation: How Homophobia Has Robbed All Men of Touch
Boys and Self-Loathing: The Conversations That Never Took Place
The Dark Side of Women’s Requests of Progressive Men
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“Men who can’t relinquish the illusion of control in their lives….” Yup yup…we used to have a friend who every time he came back into our neighborhood, he would try to be CEO of our house, our lives, our everything….I would even joke about it to him….but it would not make him stop….he couldn’t help but put his nose into everything and try to micromanage…. Long story short….we eventually booted him out of our lives (I told my husband I could not take it any more…)… Last time we saw him, he was pathetically following us into our favorite coffee… Read more »
Anyone who uses Alpha/Beta with any degree of seriousness is, quite simply, a moron. Or, for that matter, anyone who genuinely thinks that a handful of broad categories, of any type or basis, have any predictive power about human behavior whatsoever.
On a lighter note, any time I hear this “Alpha/Beta” nonsense, I cannot help but think of 80’s Guy from Futurama “Future Stock” (S3E21):
“There are two kinds of people: sheep and sharks! Anyone who’s a sheep is fired…. Sharks are winners and they don’t look back ’cause they don’t have necks. Necks are for sheep.”
It’s an american thing. Mark clearly calls our culture crazy and i cannot disagree. We’re a wierd mix of Davy Crockett and the diplomacy of henry kissinger. A ninja warrior knows when to back down to gight another way. We’re like stupid bulls in china shops and we are not thinking men at all. You choose to call a ninja a pussy? Lol . In the immortal words of Richard Pryor, “dead idiot”.
When I was 13, I had grown men back down from a fight when they saw how tall and large I was when I stood up. Does that make me an alpha?
I prefer Omega. From the Urban Dictionary… ‘The polar opposite of the Alpha Male. Omega Males can have friends and close acquaintances but prefer to accomplish things on their own without the help of a group. Omega Males generally don’t belong to any cliques and have no desire to be the leader or most outstanding of said clique. Omega Males have relations with people from all groups and carry a resourcefulness and cunning (sometimes strength) to get a job done with their own skill. This being said, an omega male can have great pride without it manifesting as “ego.” An… Read more »
Try going Zeta instead. They refuse to define themselves by other’s standards, or to do anything just because “they are the man.” You don’t have to be restricted to being a husband and provider.
Well, yes Wes. You don’t have to be restricted to being husband and provider. God willing, we’ve already moved past those two as the only possible options.
Yes, you can also be cannon fodder for the next war. Unless you are a CEO, politician or lawyer. My point was that men have always been judged by what they can provide for others, or to die if necessary. The “Alphas” at the top of the pyramid view the rest of us as expendable. My advice is don’t enlist or become a cop. Why put yourself in danger for a system that views you as a replaceable cog?
Hitler and Stalin were alpha males.
Interesting terminology, “beta male white knight.” I just referred to someone online as a white knight feminist without having heard of it. Yeah, I think there’s a type of guy like this. But I don’t think of it in terms of recognizing and embracing traditionally feminine strength and wisdom: that’s great. I see this type of man as he who doesn’t understand his own oppression; maybe he’s never thought about the BS sexism he encounters; maybe he thinks it makes him less of a man to feel oppressed, while he fights for women’s “equality.” Because of that, I think he’s… Read more »
Standing up for women’s rights and equality is great, but the search for true equality demands that a man look at his own truth at the same time.
@Paul Hobson. The men out there like you describe certainly have my sympathies, but in my world the term White Knight is flung at a much wider range of men, namely any person who doesn’t condemn the feminist movement outright. Personally, I would be embarrassed to apply the term to anyone, given how it it typically employed, which is to marginalize people and shut down conversations.
@ Frank @ Mark I agree with you guys. I grew up with Asian males. We were all alphas. We competed in everything, educational level / grades, jobs / salary, the size of your house, how much you could lift, etc. It brought out the “best” in us as measured in economic success, but it’s hard to be in constant 24/7 competition so we’ve drifted apart. We’re also not betas in our personal lives. We tend to be omegas putting the women, children, and parents first. We’re content to relax and watch those we care about happy. Though you might… Read more »
Money/wealth and Hypergamy are very much apart of some Asian cultures aren’t they? Like wanting the daughter to marry up to a doctor, etc?
In Australia, we usually just want our kids to marry a good, honest person.
There is more to being called a Beta than being considerate of women.
Its about not being in control of your own life and destiny.
Its one thing to be considerate of women (we should all do that). Its quite another to put women to the point of actually harming and silencing men.
So in short, unless you are trying to help women by silencing/harming men they are misusing the term.
I disagree wholeheartedly. For me, Beta simply means not seeking to act from a place of authority. It can be an intentional position, taken by choice when circumstances call for it. And if you can not switch to the Beta position when it is called for, you are at risk for living half a life. Acting from a place of authority exclusively is a default position for people who seek control and certainty, two positions which are illusory and self deceptive. Beta is actually a powerful state, when it is chosen out of respect for what others know and understand.
I think Beta in the terms of the insult, especially when loaded with white knight is refering to men who are insecure, weak and submissive body language, followers, afraid to take risks, seeks approval from women/constantly needing reassurance. Basically a pushover, pandering to women, if a woman says all men are dogs then he will agree just to try get brownie points with her. But humans aren’t a wolf pack, we’re far more complex than alpha/beta. There might have been more alpha/beta behaviour in the previous ages where dominance and brawn could bring in more resources, command higher positions in… Read more »
Beta is actually a powerful state, when it is chosen out of respect for what others know and understand. That’s the clincher. Did you choose that state or did someone else impose it on you? That and that alone is what matters in determining this Beta status thing. If you are choosing to change your state, regardless of the reasoning, then your power and control over your life isn’t affected in the slightest way. Mark let me ask you something. You say that “for me…” and then go into what you think Beta means. Maybe you’re trying to use your… Read more »
Good catch. Wouldn’t be the first time progressives tried to redefine something and say look I’m right it says so in the dictionary.
Danny, let me ask you a question. Are we talking about beta as a viable and natural state that fits for some people or beta as imposed on people and not just people but on men by women? And if we’re talking about beta as something imposed on men by women, then why are we not AUTOMATICALLY ALSO talking about beta as imposed on women by men? It seems to be you guys are a little obsessed with one gender getting the beta treatment.
🙂
Mark,
I thought it was beta imposed by men on other men. I think that’s why Danny was suggesting that we stick to their definition. If men shouldn’t find it insulting, there should be a reason using their definition for it not to be insulting.
Danny, let me ask you a question. Are we talking about beta as a viable and natural state that fits for some people or beta as imposed on people and not just people but on men by women? Imposed. And if we’re talking about beta as something imposed on men by women, then why are we not AUTOMATICALLY ALSO talking about beta as imposed on women by men? It seems to be you guys are a little obsessed with one gender getting the beta treatment. It only seems that way because you might be missing something. If you’re talking about… Read more »
I think anything is easier to dismiss when you don’t bother to understand the issue.
Being a beta male is not the same thing as being a white knight in the same way that being an alpha male isn’t the same thing as treating women like they’re lesser. It is harder to be an alpha male and treat women as equals, but it’s definitely possible.
The whole alpha, beta wolf analogy isn’t one that really works very well with humans as there’s a ton more fluidity to it than there would be in a wolfpack.
I have no problems with Alphas. As long as they stay out of the way.