We have all been victimized, in some way, at some point in our lives. One way to know you’re over being a victim.
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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself. ~Harvey Fierstein
There is nothing shameful in being victimized.
Whether it is a random pickpocket in a strange city, or your own neighborhood, a close friend or family member who could not control their demons and so unleashed them on your body, or a predatory boss or co-worker who cannot live with the idea that you might have an idea worth adopting, we’ve all been the victim of someone else’s greed, anger, fear, or even inconsideration.
As an editor here on The Good Men Project, I edit stories every week written by someone who has been a victim, and who has left that definition behind. Helping to birth those stories is one of the reasons I do what I do.
But I have not allowed myself to accept that definition, because to be a victim is to have no control, no power, no ability to change anything about my life unless I am willing to end it.
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Like many of our writers, I know what it is to be a victim. I’ve been belittled. I’ve been beaten, I’ve been raped. And I’ve been told, as many victims are, that I brought it on myself. And I have, from time to time, been suicidal.
I have allowed myself to be made a victim.
But I have not allowed myself to accept that definition, because to be a victim is to have no control, no power, no ability to change anything about my life unless I am willing to end it.
I have also been a survivor. I have been fierce and proud and staunchly defensive of my right to have control, to have power, to have the ability to change anything about my life in any way I desire.
But I do not allow myself to accept that definition either. I do not accept that living through being belittled, beaten, and raped has to be a struggle for control, for power, for ownership of my life.
I define myself simply as alive. Each day a surprise and a delight. I’m here. I’m myself. My life is my own. I am an owner.
And it seems to me, as I think about how I cycled through victimhood, to survivorship, to a living and owning of this thing I call my life, that each phase has one characteristic that defined it. A test, if you will, for me to know if I am giving up ownership of my life and sliding back into the blame and shame of victimhood or the guarded struggle of suvivorship.
The victim accepts the judgement of others.
As a victim I believed others had the right to define me. I was a “pushy bitch” if I expected credit for my work. I was an “insufferable challenge” as a child so it’s no wonder I was beaten. I was a “extremely physical” child so it’s understandable that I was raped. I was defined by the judgement of others as deserving of what I got. I could blame my abusers for the person I became, but I could not become the person I wanted to be because I could not define myself.
The survivor fights against the judgement of others.
As I learned to see through my past into my own mirror, the one that showed me the face of who I wanted to become, I rejected the definitions of others. I armed myself against what was said, and what wasn’t said. Battle lines were drawn with each and every person who even implied that I was someone to be blamed, or pitied. I was strong, I was stable, and I was a survivor. But I was tired.
The owner sees the judgement of others.
And says, “It is sad and hurtful that you need to define me in that way, but I can lay your labels aside as the untruth that they are and go on with living my life.”
Ownership is something that has to be renewed every day, every minute. Like a marriage to your true self you will review your vows through every choice that you make. But when you own your life no one can ever make of you a victim again.
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Photo: Flickr/婠 玥
“I was defined by the judgment of others as deserving of what I got…”
Wow– what a sentence…..! It took me a long time to take away the self-blame and see my abuser for what he was….it was all his evil manipulation…I shut up about it for the longest time because I did blame myself and believed everything that he had said about me….today I have a clearer head…and I have called him out for all the abuse he heaped on me long ago…it’s only fair that others realize what a liar and Machiavellian schemer he truly is…
This right here: “I define myself simply as alive.”
No more, no less.