We live in a world where women routinely feel unsafe. Every man can play a role in changing that.
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“We have to take responsibility for what we are not responsible for.”
~ King Warrior Magician Lover
In 2013, I attended a Tony Robbins event with 2000 people, about half men and women. Tony asked this question one day of the men: “Men, raise your hand if you have felt unsafe at any point during the last week.” Maybe 5 hands went up, of a thousand men.
Then he asked the same question of the women: “Ladies, how many of you have felt unsafe at any time during the last week?”
A thousand female hands shot up, while men looked around shocked at the revelation.
Our women feel unsafe … constantly. And yes, it’s the fault of Men. All of us.
I write a lot about masculine awakening, what I’m discovering it means to be a mature healthy masculine man in the 21st century. Women, for the most part, love what I write. They’re aching for the mature man my blogs describe. Men, though, are sometimes triggered by what I write.
Men feel I’m shaming them; a new-age anti-man feminist sympathizing misandrist who blames all men (even the good ones) for women’s ills and excuses women from all responsibility.
Men also sometimes accuse me of writing this stuff just to get laid. Let’s be clear. I love sex. If writing got me laid that would be awesome. But it doesn’t. I would do better to pick up a guitar. I write because I’m a man who’s been disoriented for 20 years, and as that realization awakens in me, I look out and see an entire world of disoriented men and women struggling to thrive.
But I’m not into shaming men. I do, however, believe in taking responsibility for our role in the reality we’re living. And the reality we live in is women routinely feel unsafe in our society; they are constantly subject to behavior from men that devalues their worth as human beings with something meaningful to offer the planet beyond male sexual release and motherhood.
Women are unsafe and aggressed upon because so many men are stuck in a perpetual adolescence. As a male culture, we haven’t yet fully achieved the mature experience of our masculine nature. Too many men still demean “girls” by pulling on their pigtails, bullying and hitting them, tricking them into showing their boobs and calling them bad names. They just do it now wearing business suits and NFL uniforms, drinking beer instead of kool-aid.
I know many men don’t treat women this way. But it’s common enough that the majority of women experience it all the time, from our city streets to college dorms to the US Congress.
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Most men haven’t learned to infuse their innate masculine aggression with heart.
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However, there’s another fascinating reason women routinely feel unsafe: most men haven’t learned to infuse their innate masculine aggression with heart.
I wrote a popular article recently about how I grew up believing women were only afraid of aggression in men, so I suppressed any experience of aggression in myself, especially sexual aggression. I did not want women to ever feel unsafe around me. While this enabled me to cultivate beautiful friendships with women, in disowning the primal aggression inherent in my masculinity, I also left women to fend for themselves in many ways.
I believe we don’t stand up for women enough. Culturally. Individually. On TV. At work. In our conversations with other men.
I know the male voice isn’t completely missing. I know the men reading this are mostly ones who do stand up for women. But I’m also one of them, and I’ve definitely stayed quiet knowing certain male acquaintances would act terribly towards women, unconsciously content in knowing at least I wasn’t the one acting badly.
The evolved masculine nature can be an aggressive force for good. When connected to heart, the mature masculine essence (which is not just a man thing, as women can express masculine energy, too) fights aggressively for the well-being of all beings inside the kingdom. It protects its charges from the forces of chaos and ruin lurking outside the castle walls. The mature masculine man (or masculine woman) doesn’t disconnect from his innate aggression, nor does he wield it for purely self-serving means. The mature masculine man infuses his aggression with love, using that power to enrich the greater good.
For thousands of years our more “civilized” cultures have been expressing this aggressive aspect of masculine force in overwhelmingly destructive ways, disconnected from heart, as oppressor, denier, abuser, exploiter, conquerer. As this immature Lord of the Flies era continues to play out on a planetary scale, our immature masculine nature runs amok, expressing in abundance the entire range of perverted masculine behaviors that destroy our feminine counterparts, from kidnapping them in African villages to sexualizing them in our offices to beating them up in elevators.
Comedian Louis CK points out that men are the number one threat to women. “‘Yeah, I’ll go out with you alone … at night … I’ll get in your car with you, with my little shoulders. Where are we going?’ … To your death, statistically.”
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I do not wish men shame. I know women demean men, too; they also have their growing up to do.
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The classic book on masculine archetypes, King Warrior Magician Lover, is about the evolution in males from “boy psychology” to “man psychology.” They say this about man psychology:
Man psychology … has perhaps always been a rare thing on our planet. It is certainly a rare thing today. The horrible physical and psychological circumstances under which most human beings have lived most places, most of the time, are staggering. Hostile environments always lead to the stunting, twisting, and mutating of an organism .… Let us frankly admit the enormous difficulty of our situation, for it is only when we allow ourselves to see the seriousness of any problem and to admit what it is we are up against that we can begin to take appropriate action, action that will be life-enhancing for us and for others.
I’m writing this article because this morning I spoke with a strong female coaching client of mine in San Francisco who melted into tears relating recent stories of daily harassment at the greedy hands of men. Not just your cliche construction workers, but co-workers, colleagues, men at networking events, and even a casual male friend she didn’t trust to have in her home because he was always testing her with his sexual agenda. And she’s no passive pushover woman who can’t handle herself—though why should she have to “handle herself” at all?
Despite the advanced state of our modern technologies, so many modern men are the product of ages of warped and twisted masculine expression.
Fox TV regular, Arthur Aidala, in a recent segment on sexual harassment in Congress, proudly demonstrated his technique for “complimenting” women on the street by standing up and clapping as an imaginary woman walked by. He says his “smile success rate” is 90%. My coaching client pointed out—as did Daily Show correspondent Jessica Williams—that women smile because they know if they don’t give such a man what he clearly wants (attention, acknowledgment) there’s a high likelihood he’ll get nasty and call them a c**t. Aidala’s “success rate” relies on a woman’s survival tactic.
Oh, the woeful ignorance of such men.
I grew up surrounded by women. Throughout my life I have heard their stories, and the stories of my girlfriends and female friends, about the demeaning behavior of male colleagues, bosses, friends, strangers, dates, and even their own intimate partners.
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It is our close male friends, our brothers, our fathers, our sons, and even many of us blind to our own behavior, who are making life distasteful to women on a daily basis. Our joking approval, even our silence, in conversations with each other only perpetuates women’s suffering.
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The authors of King Warrior Magician Lover also remind us that we must learn to take responsibility for that which we are not responsible for. It does innocent men no good to simply rest in the comfort of knowing they’re not the perpetrators. It is our close male friends, our brothers, our fathers, our sons, and even many of us blind to our own behavior, who are making life distasteful to women on a daily basis. Our joking approval, even our silence, in conversations with each other only perpetuates women’s suffering.
I do not wish men shame. I know women demean men, too; they also have their growing up to do.
Still, it’s on men to confront our own masculine disorientation, to explore where we are stuck in boy psychology—or trapped in the dark shadow aspects of man psychology, which is to say, living as men disconnected from heart. Our unwillingness to face our own selves, whether or not we’re acting in these demoralizing ways to women, keeps our world twisted and stunted, and keeps our women feeling unsafe even in the presence of so many “safe” men.
We must learn to use our innate masculine aggression as a constant force for good, lest we leave our women to fend for themselves in a world that still disrespects them daily. We must study and explore and work authentically with other men to uncover what it means to be mature masculine men. We must each do the inner work necessary to claim our 21st century manhood, to create a world for our women in which they can finally feel safe.
King Warrior Magician Lover on Amazon
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Photo: 55Laney69/Flickr
Right, most men today are not mature [enough]. But this is only part of the problem.
Another part of it: today, women are being forced to live in the environment that is alien for them – like fish taken out of water.
Like it or not, our current world was built for men, where everybody is playing the Man’s Game by the Man’s Rules. Women are forced to play this Game too; no wonder they feel insecure.
“Our women”. Ugh.
You are an amazing man. A relief to have you on this earth.
What you describe matches the psychological condition Dr. Gordon Neufeld calls “alpha askew”, where the instincts for dominance have lost their natural connections to those of caring and nurturing.
If you want a scientific explanation of why this happens, and what we can do about it, find his speech “What makes a bully?” on youtube. He is a clinical psychologist who has researched the process of maturation in children and teens for decades.
Good men do exist, they totally do. And when you find one you feel eternally blessed. You just have to tolerate a lot of bull from jerks in the meantime. I’m an average girl, grew up in a fairly affluent area, dress formally almost always yet I have been sexually attacked 16 times in my 21 years on this Earth since I was 10. So many men do not care to understand what the average woman goes through in today’s society including those in these comments placing blame on mothers… ridiculous. There is so much growing up to do but… Read more »
That sounds a little like the enabler in a codependent relationship.
I found it interesting that the author is calling out all men. I have many reasons to dislike and mistrust men – and I admit I actively do so. My life would be easier if I could become a lesbian and live in a female only world. These are childhood issues, obviously not normal or common and I am seeing a therapist. I am also going to say a couple of un-PC things. I don’t blame ALL men for my feeling unsafe. I blame bad men, bad parents and a society that thinks its OK to call Ashley Judd a… Read more »
Excellent writing! Thank you.
Bryan,
Thank you for writing this! I am incredibly glad to see the defensive posts here.. it means you hit a nerve!
There’s something Erin mentioned earlier and I think it’s at the crux of some things here: “{The original article} is saying that men have the power to HELP. And it outlines in what ways men can do that. It is saying that men’s actions MATTER beyond only the men who commit the crime. It’s appealing to the majority of us who are good people and tells us what we can do {vis-a-vis men} to fix a problem. And that choosing to not do anything at all can be a big problem in why certain things continue as they do.” That’s what… Read more »
I agree, this is a case of category or box thinking, just because somebody claims men are privileged doesent mean they have the power as the author suggest. The power level its individual and it varies from people to people cross class and cross gender. Violence or safety of women in short its not a mens problem or a woman, but a society issue. Its pretty easy to understand, most user here actually understand this but some people (the bloggist, the editors etc) are simply to slow or old fashion, and they fall back to the old paradigm they claim… Read more »
Real power is not something most people in our culture are used to standing up to. Not the kind of power that says “Stop or I’ll call the cops”, but the kind that says, “Go ahead. Call the cops.” Humans have a survival instinct, and frankly, bad men are far more likely to have more experience in violence than the good men do. I’d like to say that I am a good man. I’ve not always wanted to be so. I grew up with an abusive childhood. I learned the language of real violence and power before I learned to… Read more »
“What answer where you looking for me to give that you didn’t get Tom? i simply asked you a straight forward question that you didn’t answer. No reason to get bent out of shape about it. Your second answer was a little more clear but still skirted to a degree. It’s like me saying if I feel safer with my body building friends with black belts or the guys that don’t have black belts. I wasn’t asking specific people, I asking about men or women in general. Why is it so difficult for some women to be okay with feeling… Read more »
That should have said “wife” majority
Ok, not going to get into the whole rest of the debate, but I know some badass women with black belts, and quite honestly, I’d rather have some of them watching my back in a fight than my guy friends. How many women have you actually fought (in martial arts, etc)?
Erin, you said “You use statistics as your weapon of choice. I am sorry but statistics are not “fool proof” then why do so many who promote the idea of men being the perps use them?
One other thing, arent there two parents raising boys? If so, where is the mothers responsibility for all these horrible men that seem to be everywhere in Bryan Reeve’s life? Even worse if you consider all the single parent homes(mothers only) raising these brutes. Oh but imagine its only societies fault, right?
JT,I have been saying this for a long time now. Where is the accountability with the countless mom’s raising these kids? We’re long past the time where dad’s are seen as prevalent in children’s lives. Yet feminists/liberals continue to point the finger at men being the problem.
I wonder if they feel that way when applying for policing and firefighting jobs?
“QuantumInc says:
September 17, 2014 at 4:07 am
I’ve read the same CDC studies and I can tell you that is straight up false. Over 18% of women are raped. 1.1% of men are raped, 2.9% are forced to penetrate. 18% > 4%”
No its not false. On pages 18 and 19 of the 2010 NISVS survey. http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_report2010-a.pdf
. For the previous 12 month period men and women reported nearly identical levels of victimisations if we include forced to penetrate for rape.
When women are largely communicating that they feel routinely unsafe, and it’s met with resistance to talk about because men are also hurt in society, we are shutting the conversation down that women need to have. Nobody is shutting down that conversation. If you want to have that conversation, have it. If you don’t feel safe having it here, there is nothing stopping you from setting up your own site where the only male voices allowed are those nodding in agreement. You could call it the Frightened Women Project, tagline: The conversation lots of other people are having. The conversation… Read more »
there is nothing stopping you from setting up your own site where the only male voices allowed are those nodding in agreement. You could call it the Frightened Women Project,
lololol
You, know, I regret writing that, because it will certainly be read as disparaging and invalidating women’s fear. And that wasn’t my intention. The point I intended to make is that the conversation we are actually having is as on-topic for this site, as the one Erin wants us to have would be on a site devoted to discussing women’s fear. What we are actually talking about here is nothing less than “what it is to be a good man”. Here’s Bryan’s view on the matter: it’s the fault of Men. All of us. Men, all of us, are not… Read more »
“In order to be good men, we need to stand up for women enough. How much is enough? If I found the individual man who stands up for women more than any other man, and matched him, would that be enough? Clearly not, because he’s also included in that ‘All of us. This is end-of-the-rainbow levels of ‘enough.’ It’s unreachable. There is no escape from the blame.” That is what stereotypes are and how they work; the selective grouping of traits and people to support a rhetorical stance. That’s what stereotypes allow, and that’s why they’re such rhetorically useful devices… Read more »
Must say, just check out your website – keep fighting the good fight brother!
Brilliant. A must read for both women and men. Men have their work to do, absolutely. So too do women who believe that their beauty and youth is their only power. I have shared this post on my facebook page. It’s that important; that well done. 🙂
Well done! Enjoy your continued life of laying all your problems and feelings at the feet of others. Your face book page must be pretty important part of your gynocentric lifestyle 🙂
oh me to, but not only women. The problem is not I dont wont to help, but the problem is I most help because im a man. This is what irks me. And people with this attitude get discarded asap. This reminds me when I first got my driver license, and car. Everybody wanted me to drive them here and there, even people I didnt had much contact to start with. I did this, uintill I got annoyed, I am not you personal driver, take the bus or buy a car. I dont mind, even to day to drive a… Read more »
Anyway, I’d better bow out.
See you all later.
I’m gonna wait for Erins response and will follow you out of this thread. “beating my head against the wall” comes to mind …. and the fact that many whom we were able to dispel their beliefs and inaccuracies have disappeared …. kind of a waste.
Josh: “On top of that she is the first to proclaim that women and victims are being sileinced whilst at the very same time dismissing and siliencing victims – the very thing she has done to you.” To be fair, Josh, even if I wasn’t a survivor I’d still find blind assertions like men being privileged over women a very unfounded claim to make. I don’t see how getting men listening to women’s feelings requires: -Treating their critiques as fear over loss of power. -Reminding them, day in and day out, that their voices are listened to more over women… Read more »
Your not in this alone. I’ve yet to see erin formulate an argument (anywhere) without resorting to projection, strawman attacks or outright dishonesty and lies. On top of that she is the first to proclaim that women and victims are being sileinced whilst at the very same time dismissing and siliencing victims – the very thing she has done to you. If she has any valid points they are lost in her illogical diatribes. She has outrightly told us in the above statements that hers and other womens feelings are more important that the truth. Its more important to her… Read more »
I agree, Josh, this practically the old tradizionalist narrative with new clothes that crawls throug the window after it has been trow out of the front door. Be a gentleman, open doors to women, speak kindly to them etc. Binary, old fashion, primitive, anti human. Because its not the person that counts but just status and gender ritualistic. Old bad habits are hard to eradicate. Its not that we dont wont to listen to women, but its the fact that we should be forced to help women because of our gender. The old days are gone, and they are not… Read more »
Garbage in, garbage out…… they are still holding on to old beliefs (which BTW were inaccurate in the first place)
Erin, this is the reason why I can’t speak with people like you. I pointed out a problematic statement from the author and what do you do? Make all sorts of accusations about how I don’t listen to women and don’t care about their feelings. Really, Erin, try some new schtick for once. It’s getting really bothersome. “You are so dismissive and cavalier to women and their feelings and their experiences to the point that you think listening to us will result in some kind of lost sense of power to the point that it must mean you are “bowing… Read more »
People like me Eagle? What “kind” of person am I? Clearly you already created an idea, a stereotype, around who you think I am and you determined I’m the problem. The sad thing here is I think we both want the same thing. But clearly neither one of us..yes NEITHER ONE OF US..knows how to effectively communicate with the other side. I am willing to admit that. Are you? Or will you continue to just push the mentality that “people like me” are the problem? And no, I won’t get a “new schtick”. I will also continue to advocate for… Read more »
You don’t want anyone else dictating to you how you should feel but you (and other men here) want to dictate to women how they should feel about their own experiences! Unbelievable. Which is exactly what the ARTICLE DID IN THE FIRST PLACE, ERIN. Our feelings’ about being stereotyped aren’t important when compared to the feelings of women. They never do. This “but you should care about our feelings!” line is hollow and hypocritical, because there isn’t any care given to our feelings in response. You condone the bigotry in the article, and then accuse us of not wanting to… Read more »
Erin: “Instead, many of you respond to this piece by being angry, dismissive, argumentative to women, their experiences and their feelings. Is that how you want women to respond to you in turn?” Who was being dismissive and argumentive towards women? For once, can’t you actually LISTEN to people critiquing a piece of writing for what it is instead of making them out to be ignorant of women’s feelings? Ignorant of women’s issues? Because I’m tired of it, Erin. I’m not going to be shamed by you or anyone else into staying silent on this issue. I wrote about my… Read more »
Well said Eagle, I agree completely. This aside, I find interesting that reading old magazines and watching old feminist shows or documentaries (you can find them on youtube) from the 70’s or 80’s women were concerned into show the world that they could be whatever they wanted and could do everything a man does…Women need a man like a fish needs a bicycle. Fast forward to today, I see more and more articles where on how to be a “gentlemen” on how women are fragile, how to act near women even how to walk the street so you dont upset… Read more »
Just to be a little clearer I don’t mind helping out when someone is down. But I don’t appreciate the same person I rescued to turn around to get on their high-horse the next day and lecture me about how more privileged I am over them and all sorts of shaming language mixed in between for good measure. If that’s how I am going to be treated, then fine. Settle your own issues. But don’t come crawling to me asking why I wouldn’t help you in the future. A person can only be so charitable before throwing his arms up… Read more »
Eagle and Super, your responses saved me a lot of typing, thanks.
Eagle, if I had nothing but unlimited space, I would cut and paste responses that highlight the ways I see men are being dismissive and argumentative, using their pain and “statistics” to stop a conversation around trying to learn and listen about women. I’ll give you a tiny sample but just note that I could give more. Sample: “Womens feelings are just that – theirs. I nor any other man is responsible for them. Women are not children, The longer we keep treating them as such the longer women will ‘feel’ unsafe. Fact is women are far less likely to… Read more »
Okay Erin, what do you want us to do. I’m trained to “listen” and I do a lot of it but part of my responsibility to to help the person I’m listening to break down their thinking and put it into perspective. Garbage in garbage out … ever hear of it? It used to be used for computers. I use AOL as an example. Starting with AOL 1.0 and going through to countless changes to 6.0. Every time you add the newer version, you pile on endless information on top of what’s already in your computer. So what you do… Read more »
Tom, I don’t need you to “break down” my thinking and “put it in perspective”. I am an intelligent, thoughtful woman who is able to put my own thoughts into perspective. My mind is not a garbage dump. You say you are trained to listen. Then why did you have to ask me what I want men to do? I was very clear on what I’d like to see men to do more then several times in my posts. Asking me what I want you guys to do, after I made mention of this in my posts more then once,… Read more »
Erin,you need to read what I wrote, I said “Same thing with our minds, we pile and pile information……” Note that I said “our” minds? So I take it the “listening” part applies to men only? The idea of “garbage in garbage out” was attained in an expansive training given to my employees years ago and had to do with self limiting our abilities due to the “garbage” we hadn’t removed so that they could better perform. Erin, you said “But arguing every which way against women who are trying to communicate how they experience the world is ….” But… Read more »
Yeah Tom, you said “our minds”, yet I’ve never seen you apply this belief toward men. You have very vocally supported a lot of men’s comment in this article. You don’t think they’ve been cluttered with garbage. You think women’s thoughts,feelings and the way they process them our wrong. You even go on to mock women who don’t like to be harassed. So while you used the word “our”, you didn’t apply it to men the same way you applied it to women. Otherwise you would have said, “Guys, maybe we need to take a look at our own thinking… Read more »
Are you sure you read the article, Erin? It did just that. It said we are all responsible as men for women feeling unsafe.
As for your statistics argument – you seem to be forgetting the regularity with which rape stats are hurled at us when the stats are about women. Why is it a problem when we do it?
I am not trying to “shame” you to be silent. I just don’t want an article that talks about how a LARGE pool of women feel unsafe in their environment to be met with statistics about how men are the more important victims, effectively dismissing how women experience the world because apparently, to be heard, you got to win the contest in bigger, badder, more frequent abuse. It’s not a contest, Erin. It’s simply that if you’re going to blame all men for stuff they didn’t do, then you better have darn good reasons for doing it. Never was the… Read more »
Oriish, it’s clearly a contest when women try to voice their own thoughts, insights, concerns and experiences and a lot of men respond by giving statistical data they think out ranks women’s voice. Anytime an article crops up about violence women face, a group of men come in armed with “statistics” about how apparently men are the biggest victims in every aspect of life ever and always certainly over women. It’s a crime alone to acknowledge men’s violence on a website a lot seem to think should only talk about men in two ways: As heros of every day life… Read more »
And I notice you had nothing to say on the fact this article blames all men for the actions of a few.
A) There is ALOT that never gets noticed in my posts Oirish. That goes untalked about and undiscussed. You aren’t special in that regard. B) I am contending with a multiple of male voices so excuse me if I’m not perfect or I don’t respond to every little thing you said. I am doing my best but I can’t respond to alot when I am contending with multiples of men. That, between the stupid “spammer” messages I get alot of the time, which makes it hard to post anything regularly consecutively. C) I do not see anything in this article… Read more »
Read the article, Erin. The blaming section is even bolded. It’s the first boldest section.
How in the world is that not an attempt to blame all men for this?
And if all it really is is a request to help, then phrase it like one.
This is the sort of language mangling and post hoc justification abusers use. Not falling for it, and if you want our help, stop pushing it.
Erin “Anytime an article crops up about violence women face, a group of men come in armed with “statistics” about how apparently men are the biggest victims in every aspect of life ever and always certainly over women. ” Yes, men ARE victims in many aspects of life so what we MEN do in this supposedly MALE site is to remind people that we are victims but more importantly as shown by the many articles much less the responses, UNHEARD victims, UNRECOGNIZED victims, UNACKNOWLEDGED victims. So yes, DO expect us to continue to present our information. We will rightly do… Read more »
Erin, you said “Yeah Tom, you said “our minds”, yet I’ve never seen you apply this belief toward men. You have very vocally supported a lot of men’s comment in this article. You don’t think they’ve been cluttered with garbage” What I explained about “garbage in/garbage out” is something I have explained to a lot of men. So that you feel better, I would suggest that men definitely do the same thing in that they have been trained to believe one way and that is because they are men, they are bad. They need to go into their memory banks… Read more »
It is common practice on the internet to use “statistics” against people to silence what they are attempting to communicate. It’s kind of the old “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours but mine is always going to be bigger so shut up already”. It very much can be a manipulation used to keep the other side silent. When women are largely communicating that they feel routinely unsafe, and it’s met with resistance to talk about because men are also hurt in society, we are shutting the conversation down that women need to have. The fact that we… Read more »
Erin, you mentioned that “Women feel routinely unsafe in our culture. This is valid. This is something A LOT of women experience. This is something you should be open enough to acknowledging.” Is it valid? Individually? Collectively? It’s one thing for a person assert ‘I am unsafe, I feel unsafe’ (just as it is equally valid for the same person to assert that ‘I am not, I do not’) – But it’s another thing entirely to assume, presume, or usurp collective authority to speak for (or against) everyone who shares a single common trait (in this case gender). And it presumes… Read more »