The Whole Parent ponders whether the end of his marriage killed the sex, or the end of the sex killed his marriage.
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It wasn’t her fault. It was our fault. And sex, in my opinion, and the opinion of a lot of relationship experts (though I’m not one), is very important to a marriage.
For me, sex bonds—it makes me feel connected, close, warm, loving, proud. Sex is the glow on the relationship. It’s both reward and gift. Sex can be about giving and focused on the other partner. Or sex can be about receiving, and doing your best to shut down the mental rap sheet of expectations and performance. Or sex can be a dance between two people, a tango or waltz, or a punk rock slam dance.
It’s all good. It’s all about sex, baby. It’s all about you and me. Let’s talk about sex.
♦◊♦
Early in my courtship sex was magical. I remember the moment my emerging girlfriend candidate told me, “I went to the doctor today.” She was grinning ear to ear. She knew what she was about to give me. “I got a prescription for birth control.”
The moment we decided, and had newly unprotected sex again, with the intention of bringing a child into the world, well, the sex took on a whole new level of awesome.
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Oh my. I might have been hooked into marrying her from that very second that the warm glow rushed into my body. “We still have to wait about a month, for my cycle, but it’s a start.”
I was thrilled. We were thrilled. She was saying YES PLEASE, let’s do it.
And things early on were just as good as that first rush. Playful. Exploratory. Loving. Fun. And pretty frequent. All was right with the world, with my sex life (as a man), and all was heading in upward direction. The “Life is Good” shirt applies here, and was worn often, as was my just-done-it smile.
Another magical milestone was crossed on our honeymoon. We were getting married in an ancient church in a tiny French town, and the night after a major lunar eclipse, we decided to start having sex unprotected and without birth control. She had been off the pill for two months or so …
We knew what we wanted. But the moment we decided, and had newly unprotected sex again, with the intention of bringing a child into the world, well, the sex took on a whole new level of awesome. It was as if a spiritual purpose had taken the joy and expression of our love to another level.
Onward we sailed into the newly married bliss of frequent and unprotected procreational sex. It sounds like a mouthful. It was heaven.
Our son was born less than a year later. And with a few months of off-limits self-reliance, we were back in the bedroom making up fun stuff to do with her newly arrived breasts. More joy. More interruptions and laughter and coupling. More play, more connection. And more unprotected, sure-let’s-have-another-kid, sex.
♦◊♦
I’m going to skip the drama around our daughter’s medical issues, and the fact that 9-11 ripped out all the joy from the world. I have covered this elsewhere. But the stress of the world took its toll on our joyful sex. We still attempted it; we were told not to go for a third child, and we were okay with a perfect pair, boy and girl. And the closeness was still there, when we found the windows for alone time, when neither of us was too exhausted to do it.
And of course that’s a thing. Marriage, kids, financial obligations and chores really wear down both parents. And it’s typical for one parent to take on the worry and stress more than the other. (Often men are picked on for being less responsible, or not growing up, but I can assure you that’s not what was going on between us.) I was 100% present and accounted for. I did the working-for-a-living dance. I mowed the lawn, picked up toys and rooms, did some cooking, and loaded and unloaded the dishwasher, and we were both still tired.
Marriage, kids, financial obligations and chores really wear down both parents. And it’s typical for one parent to take on the worry and stress more than the other parent.
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We reached the point, more often than not (a lot more often), where any indication of sexual readiness on my part was met with a sigh or an eye-roll depending on her level of exhaustion.
I learned new ways to ask. The playful, “Hey, how about I give YOU a blow job tonight?” The suggestive, “I’d love to give you a back rub as soon as I get the dishes done.” And the supportive, “Is there anything I can do to make things less stressful for you, at this moment?”
But somewhere in her hard wiring, the stress had shut down her sensual response. We went to counseling, but mostly that was about some crisis or another that we needed to work through. We never really addressed the sex thing, I was trying to be a standup and selfless husband supporting my wife. I have no idea what she was doing. But we were doing it together and not “doing it” very much.
And then one last magical thing happened. With the full-insurance of my job, I got a vasectomy. Hallelujah. It was like a new ON switch for our sex life, perhaps not how you might think.
The mechanics of a vasectomy have one similarity to birth control for women. Once you have the procedure (get on the pill) you have several months to wait before enjoying your newfound freedom. In the case of a vasectomy, it’s not time, but ejaculations that count down towards the miracle of unprotected non-procreational sex.
And it was as if my then-wife’s libido had suddenly been jump started back into gear. We didn’t have a schedule or chart or anything like that, but the mental count in our heads, once I was healed enough to be back in action, was like a shining green number above my head. 40 ejaculations. Then you had to see the doctor again, give a specimen and have it examined for viable swimmers.
It was as if the mythical Spanish Fly was being introduced to my wife’s tea and coffee every day. We treated it like a sport. In the shower. BOOM. In the morning before getting out of bed. DING. And any time the kids had dropped off before us. BINGO.
It couldn’t have been more than 45 days and we were making our appointment with Dr. Let’s-Get-It-On again. We leapt into the world of parents with small children who can now do it as often as they like and not worry about having any more kids. It was a maturing process for sure. I was pretty young to be getting a vasectomy. WE WERE INTO SEX, AND WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF IT. That’s what I imagined the vaz was saying about us and our future love life.
But …
If I had demanded that my wife find her sexual center again, rather than being so nice and self-consoling, I might have penetrated the fog that had taken her intimacy out of the relationship.
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Well, I’m sure you can guess the story. Things fizzled after a few months with no goal. We joked about setting another objective, a milestone to “shoot for.” But it never happened. And, in fact, without going too far into the intimate details, it started to go way south rather than back towards loving, touching, squeezing.
We checked everyone’s meds. I read a few books, tried a few things, asked in more creative ways. Nothing.
Now, the real story, is probably much deeper than the sex. And I tried to ask, both in real-time while the collapse was happening, and later in therapy when things were really bleak. We didn’t talk about sex anymore, even in therapy, because the “issues” became seemingly insurmountable.
But I still wonder … what if I had protested more? If I demanded that my wife find her sexual center again, rather than being so nice and self-consoling, I might have penetrated the fog that had taken her intimacy out of the relationship.
Again, please understand, I AM taking responsibility for my part in the dance that began to come apart. And again, I’m really not saying that sex was the primary ingredient that caused us to get divorced.
What I am saying is at the end of sex our marriage was also closing down. The sex might have been a conduit for us to rekindle the loving feelings for one another. The lovemaking was certainly a part of my DNA (see Love Languages) and the primary way I felt loved. Well, not just sex, but physical touch. And we did have some of that. But when a back rub is the only way you get to be touched by your beautiful wife, even when you are jumping through every hoop introduced, things can begin to get a bit off track, distant, disconnected.
♦◊♦
I believe there was some fracture that happened during the course of our financial and medical struggles that broke some trust inside my wife. And while I can’t put my finger on it, and I am merely projecting my hindsight reflection, which is most definitely NOT 20/20, I know she closed down her sexuality. She might not have done it consciously. But as she began to contemplate or imagine life beyond our marriage; it was necessary for her to stop giving herself to me in a sexual way.
The first time when we were making love during this period, that I noticed things were off, I caught her looking out the window, seemingly bored. “Are you okay?” I asked.
She snapped back. But the moment was despairing. And maybe, in some internal way, for her, we were done at that moment. Done in a much bigger way. Done period.
John McElhenney
@wholeparent
back to Positive Divorce
related posts:
- The Transformation of Parenting in Marriage and Divorce
- Positive Divorce: From Blame To Forgiveness
- Love Is An Ongoing Choice Not a Feeling: Reflecting On My Divorce
- Prayer for Single Parents, and My Ex
image: snow’s back, mark tighe, creative commons usage
With great sadness, I’ve returned to Michele Weiner Davis’ book, ‘The Sex-Starved Marriage’. If nothing changes, she sees three possible outcomes: to stay together and keep complaining and stay angry and frustrated; to divorce or have an affair, or finally ‘to try a little acceptance’: ‘Three: you can decide to accept what isn’t changeable about your marriage. You can deliberately choose to let go of your ideal notion about your sexual relationship. If your marriage is basically a good one other than your sexual relationship, you can tell yourself, “I love my spouse. She is a good person. Other than… Read more »
Wow, Brassy, great courage of you to step up and tell your story here. Amazing. And yes, it’s a great book. There are others. I can’t offer any angles on your amazing situation. I hope for the best for both of you. And again, thank you for sharing your tough story.
Jen, WOW. Thank you for your heart-felt comment. I am still in the process of understanding as well. But at some point even the touch was too much. At that point she was separating from the marriage. And somewhere along the way she figured OUT was better than IN. That was her choice. There was little I could do to argue her back into the relationship. I think she had left mentally and in her heart, many years before she pulled the trigger.
I’ve read several of your posts about the death of your sex life in your marriage and it makes me sad, yet I feel no closer to understanding why your wife lost her sexual desire. I get the sense that she felt overwhelmed and burned out in the marriage. Many women say that after having children they start to feel tired if being touched. Pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding and raising small children is such a physical process. You feel like your body has become someone else’s property. First doctors and nurses are constantly poking and prodding you for 9… Read more »
Oh Jen, spoken from my heart. Thanks for being so eloquent.
Shoshana, yes I agree. Sex is ONE of the ways a couple connects. There are many others. When any of the deep forms of intimacy get shut down by one partner, there is a problem. Thanks for your comment.
Leia, Loss of intimacy comes in many forms. Sex is one. Touch is much more important for me, but they are related. Thanks for your comment.
Francesca, thank you for your comment. In both cases the break down of the communication is the issue. Sex is just one of the flash points.
Your case is nos so strange, I think. If you both have sex so intensively and so frecuently it is normal, until certain point, endig with boring by the same characteristics that were attractive the first years. It is not enough to be a explorer of the partner’s sexuality, but to be a different explorer once in a while. On the other hand, I think sex is importante in couple’s life, but it is not in the first place, nor in the second, and even nor in the third one.. Having good communications, common interests and complementary differences … all… Read more »
This is just heart-breaking…and just all too real…
Sometimes I wonder why so many French films so intensely examine relationships under the microscope (and then everybody plays musical chairs)…so much real hurt there…
As a woman who’s experienced a similar breakdown from my partner, I really appreciate this article. = Healthy sexual contact is vitaly important for a committed relationship, and when one partner withdraws it they aren’t withdrawing just the act of sex; they are withdrawing intimacy. They may not be withdrawing it on purpose, and it doesn’t discount the pain of the person doing the withdrawing, but withdrawing physical intimacy is on par with withdrawing compliments, affection and honesty. Thank you for sharing.
Maybe she got tired of that dude only caring about his penis and ejaculations. I would get tired of it as well. No reciprocity? Oh, I should be the only one giving oral sex and making you cum but you never give it back to me? Oh, okay, you give back but much less than what I actually give, and I make all these little surprises and you never even tried to do the same for me? Get out. Get the fuck out. I could get Four super hot young guys willing to pleasure me and have an orgy with… Read more »
Suzana, your vitriolic anger has nothing to do with my post. Sorry you’re so hurt.
Its obvious from your words that for you,sex is as much about intimacy, connection and spirituality as any physical act. Those things are what make it the glue.
Your story made me sad, but only because it happens all the time . . . it is like watching a flower die and being helpless to do anything about it.
And Bryan, I believe you are onto something.
Yes, Rebecca, it is an act of some significance to me. But touch and cuddling is important too, not just the sexual act.
Powerful share, John. I wrote an article recently (I’m also a GMP contributor) about the “6 things an evolved man wants from a woman” … which was controversial because I wrote in there about “surrender”. I find it interesting that you think you might have been “too nice” as your sex life disintegrated. I tend to agree with you. Not that the opposite of “being nice” is being mean. It isn’t. At least it doesn’t have to be. I think there’s something important for us men to consider, as we evolve in our experience of our own masculinity, that we… Read more »
Thanks for the connect, Bryan.
I will never understand why so many people put such importance on what happens or doesn’t happen in the bedroom.