After receiving a surprise response to a story he wrote, Andrew Morrison-Gurza examines an unexpected double standard.
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about love. I am what I like to refer to as a hopeless bromantic (just a guy looking for another guy looking for love or some such variation. You’re welcome, readers). I love the idea of love and all that entails. Unfortunately, all of those ideals have been fabricated by pop culture (I know that I will never bump into my next husband or boyfriend as I am running to class, work, or my best friend’s wedding). Moreover, none of these pop culture ideals have discussed or represented disability in a positive light (in that sense, I basically Maleficent = sassy and amazing, but destined to be alone forever). With that in mind, I have been wondering what framework I’m to follow when it comes to dating? Where is my handbook?
One of the things that I find particularly troubling when we talk about dating and disability is the desire that some have to assume that Persons with Disabilities are required to find someone else to love them, for their struggles, successes and sexuality to be seen as valid. Allow me to elaborate and give you some context. Yesterday, I received an e-mail from a prominent local publication who had stumbled across my work as a Disability Awareness Consultant/blogger some months back. They had initially expressed interest in featuring my story, as a man sharing the experience of disability and dating. I was, of course, excited and flattered to be given this opportunity (I can openly admit that I am a fame-whore). Months went by where I hadn’t heard from them, so in between being awesome I followed up. I received a reply last night that threw me for a loop. I will paraphrase, but their response basically said:
“Andrew. This is a great story, and is exciting new ground for us. That said, we think your story would be that much stronger when you find love. Keep us posted!”
Ummm, what? I’ll give you a minute to re-read that sentence and pick your own jaws up off the floor. Essentially, what this publication is saying is that as a Person with a Disability, I have to have the love of another person (ie. Someone has to love me despite my disability). This irks me beyond repair. I have always said that the reason my work is so important, is because I am showing the lived experience of disability regardless (true fact: I almost wrote “irregardless” just there) of the form that takes. I enjoy showing that everyone can have shitty dates, everyone can have awkward moments of sexual congress, and EVERYONE has been single and survived (barely, but I have) whether crippled or not. I am not saying that I wouldn’t like to find love, or that it isn’t something that I want or crave (particularly when sitting my room singing “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” while finishing off a bag of jumbo peanut M&Ms after being stood up for the 100th time), I just don’t think it is fair to be expected to be loved. Whether intentional or not, this smacks of a sense of ableism that I am certain this particular individual isn’t even aware she contributed to. Why is this an ableist statement you ask? Because it assumes that if another able bodied person can love me, I am that much closer to ‘normal’, and they’re saints for taking on my ‘burden’. These same types of assumptions lead to the misconception that because I am disabled, so too must my lover be.
People with Disabilities are allowed to be single, they are allowed to have as many sexual partners as they want or don’t want, and their lovers can be either able-bodied or not. Their stories, whether related to their disability or not, are valid on their own – no significant other required to validate their experience. As my one good friend posed to me earlier today, could you imagine if someone told the author of Sex and the City that Carrie Bradshaw’s character would be more accessible if she had a boyfriend? Why we related to her so well, is because she made mistakes, fucked up and kept trying. That is what I am trying to show in my work – that the lived experience of disability is indeed different, and yet it is relatable all the same. Would we expect that an able-bodied gay man must have a boyfriend in order for him to write about his experiences as a gay man? Why then, is it expected of me as a Queer Crip?
So, I will find love when and if I want to. To expect that because I am confidently crippled, I must adhere to some normative role is completely ignorant. That said, if Hugh Jackman knocked down my door, sang me a Tony award winning song and then ravished my body with his great…accent, I wouldn’t say no. Until then, I have my M&Ms, my 80s power ballads.
If you want to see more of my work as a Disability Awareness Consultant, and discover how I can make disability accessible to you, your organization or school, please visit: www.andrewmorrisongurza.com
Editor’s note: All language is as originally written by author.
Photo by Purple Sherbet/flickr
You might also like: You Are Significant With or Without a Significant Other
Also by Andrew Morrison-Gurza:
The Misadventures of Dating When Queer and Crippled
Why Sex with Someone with a Disability is the Best Sex Your Could Be Having
Boys in Chairs: That Time I Locked My Lover Out and Couldn’t Let Him In
Boys in Chairs: Body Image, Boyfriends, Sexuality, and Self-Image
Boys in Chairs: Navigating Our Sex, Sexuality, and Sex Appeal…and Attendent Care
Non-Supportive Housing: The Lived Experience in Assisted Living Homes
With all due respect Andrew, I have a news flash for you – this isn’t an attitude towards single people who have a disability – it’s a attitude toward single people, period. Examples are everywhere, but in short, no matter how happy and fulfilled you are in your present state, no matter how much people claim to support you, sentences inevitably conclude with some variation of, ” … but don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find someone soon … ” A huge number of people who aren’t happy alone themselves, or who are currently happy in a couple, seemingly can not… Read more »
Andrew, my lip curled and mouth openned a little in shock..but I think that counts for a jaw dropping to the floor. Apparently, that publication isn’t as progressive as they’d like to think they are.
But I am so glad you shared your story here and I loved this piece. I hope to see more from you. I liked your raw, unabashed, straight up, classy honesty. I’m interested in reading more of it connected with your life experiences.
And I like your taste in men. Hugh Jackman indeed. He appears to be one of the nicest men in entertainment.
thanks so much. I am glad you like my style, Erin. You can read more of it here, or check out my website: http://www.andrewmorrisongurza.com
Thanks so much and spread the word,
andrew