Boys are healthiest when they can express the full range of emotions, from anger to sadness, and are allowed to be human.
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The other day out of the blue, one of my sons said, “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, son.”
“Mom, you know we’re at the age when kids forget how to love their parents.”
“No, you guys might forget how to SHOW it at times, but I know you love me…”
While I appreciate the fact that I can have this level of conversation with my son, it got me to thinking about the often emotionally closed off nature of our young men. Our boys are often conditioned to be hard, unfeeling and in control, even when they have a thousand emotions rolling around on the inside. When our children get hurt on the schoolyard or in life, girls are often allowed to cry or be sad, at least temporarily, while boys are often met with a “boys don’t cry, suck it up” attitude, which can serve to invalidate their feelings. Watch any television show or movie, play any video game and in most instances the ideal of a “popular” guy or a “real” man is displayed by a boy or man who either hides their emotions, or is overly aggressive. This imaging is not only negative and false, but it can be very damaging. If our sons are not allowed to own and work through their emotions as children, how will they be able to do so effectively as adults?
As parents, educators, coaches, relatives and mentors we have to stop perpetuating myths about manhood and start raising emotionally healthy boys. Our sons are healthiest when they can express the full range of emotions, from anger to sadness, when they are self-aware and can stand up for themselves, when they are allowed to be human.
As parents, we definitely will not get it right every moment of every day, but here are a few things to consider when contemplating the emotional health of our sons:
Ensure that your home is a “safe house” for emotions.
Give your son unconditional love and support, and give him permission to respectfully share their emotions. Our sons need a place to be open and honest without shame or censure.
Limit your son’s exposure to violence.
While we cannot shield our sons from exposure to reality, we can monitor their exposure to violence manufactured for entertainment purposes. This includes video games, movies, and music.
Keep the lines of communication open. Have conversations about the world we live in with your son, and respect their input. The earlier on that we demonstrate that we value their opinion and are interested in what they have to say, the more natural it will be to have open dialogue with our sons as they mature.
Provide opportunities for your son to focus on others. Volunteering, discussing world events, pointing out issues regarding social justice…the list goes on and on. Different real world issues will invoke different emotions from our boys. Help them to understand and process those emotions.
Our society does not make it easy for us to raise emotionally healthy sons. Engaging, respecting and supporting them as they journey through life can make the process a bit more doable.
Photo: Takile/Flickr
This is a very well written article and I enjoyed it. I did want to make one point. When we talk about men and emotions, we focus a lot on sadness and the ability to cry. That’s important, but I think of equal importance is the ability to acknowledge fear and doubt. When the Ray Rice situation first emerged, the biggest disappointment I had with the commentary was the assertion that Ray Rice should not have been afraid of Janay or concerned about being attacked. I could respect any interpretation of the event / his response. What I found disappointing… Read more »
John!!!
YES!! we have to give our sons license to feel fear when they are afraid. A boy should not be made to feel like a failure because he is afraid. Boys have way to much stress that comes from peer pressure and societal forces insisting that stoic or cold are the only emotions that they are allowed to feel
When he was a little boy, my son Robert’s favorite color was pink. Sitting on a log near our campsite one day 4 year old Robbie asked another little boy sitting next to him, “What’s your favorite song? Mine’s Jesus Christ Superstar.” That made me happy. I knew I was doing something right. Young Robert grew up to be the kindest, most loving man you could imagine. As an audio engineer, he continues to love music.
That’s amazing, Richard!
Thank you for raising a son with the courage to be comfortable in his own skin.
of course a well written article Connie. I think it will shift, when, and only if women in particular stop buying into the manufactured man and clearly show preference for the well rounded human male. Thwre is just too much emphasis on the disposable idea of men for war. Sensitive men have always gone to war to defend their homeland, not just brutes. Women in the military are more likely to lean that way too. But going “male” is so much more valued than any bit of going female.
Thank you Mark!
Yes, women definitely can improve matters by not laying mythical expectations regarding maleness and mascullinity at the feet and on the shoulders of both men and boys
It is a real shame that American boys are condition not to cry and are not allowed to show anger when the situation dictates that they should especially when their parents can’t or don’t want to listen to them.
Thanks G,
I agree, in many instances it occurs because parents were themselves raised that way.
I’m so glad this was written. I think a LOT of people fail to understand that we always require our boys to hold in their emotions, yet all of it builds up and when he can’t hold it in anymore, he turns hostile, and is then further chastised for it.
I was taught this way as a young boy myself but have done all I could to grow out of it. I’m not ashamed to be emotional.
Nicholas,
Thank you so much for your response. I am glad that you decided to shed the restrictions of detrimental facades. The one place we should always feel emotionally secure is our home, and our sons need to know that they are human beings who will experience all emotions, and sometimes they will be unpleasant.