If we want to stop the killing we must acknowledge the connection between hypermasculinity and violence.
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The question of masculinity comes up often in our home, primarily because my girlfriend and I both believe in allowing our children to explore their interests and identities organically.
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Two days before the shooting at Pulse in Orlando, my girlfriend was pulled into a bitter exchange by her son’s father. The conversation began when he sent her a picture of their son, N, holding up an over-sized monster truck t-shirt with the caption, “This is how little boys should dress.” For the next hour, he repeatedly excused N’s misbehavior as “a little boy’s energy,” then accused her of destroying N’s childhood by allowing him to wear pink and being sensitive with him instead of firm.
The question of masculinity comes up often in our home, primarily because my girlfriend and I both believe in allowing our children to explore their interests and identities organically. Her son, N, enjoys Shopkins and unicorns. His favorite colors are purple and pink (really, it’s purple, but he felt bad for pink and didn’t want it to be sad). He also loves dinosaurs and bow ties. He likes to have his nails painted. He also likes to build things, so much that he constructed his own Shopkins gumball machine because he didn’t have one of his own.
N is six years old, and I’ve known him for just over a year. In that time, I’ve seen him diagnosed with ADHD and struggle with anger. I’ve seen him lash out at those he thinks are hurting his mother. I’ve seen him break down and cry about a lost Shopkin. I’ve seen him without ADHD medicine, and I’ve seen him with it. I’ve gone with the family to kindergarten celebrations and parent-teacher night. I am not N’s father, yet I understand him more than his father ever will.
My father, like me, is not traditionally masculine.
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From the moment Mallerie and I began dating, she shared with me that N’s father wholly rejected N as he was and tried desperately to “make him a man.” This horrified me as a parent and as a feminist. On one hand, I couldn’t imagine pushing a small child to hide parts of themselves. On the other, I was beyond exhausted with the idea that masculinity had to look a certain way. I felt for her. I wanted to help her. But the truth is, I had nothing to offer.
More than I feared being a father, I feared having a son.
I have never been manly. I had no idea how to raise a boy.
My parents divorced when I was two years old, and my mother gained full custody. At the time, my father had his own demons to work through. I didn’t see him again until I was 5, and even then it was sporadic at first. My mother didn’t remarry until I was 9. All this to say, I was raised almost entirely by a single mother during my early years. Much of what I know, I learned from her.
Once my dad had pulled his life together, he did become a strong presence in my life. Looking back, I’m grateful that we developed a relationship when we did because my mother had begun dating again and the men made me feel, for lack of a better word, gross. They weren’t inherently dangerous. They were just awkward and clearly not excited about interacting with me. My father provided an important balance.
My father, like me, is not traditionally masculine. He is a Texan through and through, so he fishes and can clean a deer with his eyes closed. He can damn near fix anything and I’ve never seen him struggle to carry a heavy load. But those things are only one part of him, and they’re driven less by a need to exert his manhood than a strong work ethic. It’s not so much that he’s drawn to “manly” activities; he’s just wired to get things done, so he learned how to do them on his own.
When I first learned that I was going to be a father, I begged the universe for a daughter.
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During one summer, he rebuilt a truck engine and dug through a septic tank when it clogged. But those were necessities. The things he did daily, the things he valued, were keeping the trailer as clean as possible and cooking good meals. In fact, I’ve never seen anyone enjoy cooking as much as my father. He actually seeks out people to cook for, and he delivers meals to everyone from his dentist to his florist. His “feminine” qualities are as superficial as his “masculine” qualities, though.
The most obvious way my father strayed from traditional masculinity was his empathy, something I was internalizing well before I understood it. By the time my mother remarried, I had learned that it was not only acceptable for men to be emotional, but it was perfectly normal to tell other men that you love them.
This was vital, as my mother’s new husband embodies traditional masculinity to a fault. He’s quiet and removed, usually refuses to show emotions other than anger and indifference, and he’s a vocal homophobe. I didn’t really understand why my stepfather always yelled at me or why he was so adamant that I learn to work with my hands, at least not as a boy.
It took college, and a lot of very patient friends, to help me understand that he was trying to mold me into a traditionally masculine man.
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When I first learned that I was going to be a father, I begged the universe for a daughter. It just made sense. I’m an outspoken feminist. I connect with my female students more organically than with my male students. Virtually none of my friends were cisgender straight men. Put simply, I felt confident that I could raise a daughter.
By a stroke of luck, I had identical twin girls. I promptly forgot my fears about parenting a young boy and dug into the more familiar work of connecting with my daughters. That is, until I met Mallerie and her son, N. My hesitation returned immediately. How would I talk to him? What should I get him for Christmas?
I honestly believed that his being anatomically male meant that I would never understand him. Of course, I understand now that my anxiety was absurd. Sure, N is well off the beaten path of traditional masculinity, but what being around him has really taught me is that he’s a kid. I know how to connect with kids. Turns out, parenting sons isn’t that different from parenting daughters if you focus on raising good human beings, rather than cardboard cutouts of the gender binary.
The major complication, I found, was N’s dad. I could write volumes on his failures as a father, but for the sake of brevity I’ll focus only on his devotion to hypermasculinity here.
How could we validate N as he is if his father continually pushes him to suppress his sensitivity and reject his favorite toys?
More importantly, what’s at stake for N if he absorbs his father’s version of masculinity?
Children are not just at risk of physical and emotional abuse in the name of masculinity, but also of internalizing the impulse to silence their empathetic core and to assert power over those around them.
The shooting at Pulse is a direct reflection of what is really at stake when we condition young boys to pursue dominance and power through violence. What frightens me most is that most of the time this conditioning appears completely innocuous. It’s as easy as dismissing N’s tantrum by saying that he’s simply “being a boy.” I mean, what are we really saying when we equate a tantrum with boyhood? We’re saying that violent outbursts are directly linked to masculinity.
I, for one, feel woefully unprepared to combat the notion that men are built to dominate and oppress those weaker than them.
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Another example of how easily we can teach our sons that taking power through violence is acceptable happens daily on playgrounds and in classrooms: boys tease girls, and then parents tell their daughters that the boys teasing them are “just showing that he likes you.” So now we’ve taught our sons to be verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive to those they love, and we’ve taught our daughters that abuse is actually a sign of affection.
How does this relate to Omar Mateen and his horrific attack on the LGBTQ community at Pulse?
When N’s father tells N that boys aren’t sensitive, or that lashing out when he’s angry is natural, he’s creating a space for N to practice exerting power over others and he’s encouraging N to replace empathy with “toughness.”
Over time, what N is learning from his father is that the things he likes and the ways he likes to express himself are unacceptable, even shameful.
By thirteen, N has only three options available to him: distance himself from his father and accept that he’s a disappointment; internalize his shame and struggle silently; adapt to his father’s version of masculinity until it feels natural. It doesn’t take a mental health professional to know that all three of these are terrible options.
I, for one, feel woefully unprepared to combat the notion that men are built to dominate and oppress those weaker than them. I’ve lived most of my life as a feminist. I’ve been fortunate enough to have a circle of friends willing to educate me and point me toward resources to better understand the spectrum of gender expression. I’m dating a woman who shares my desire to allow our children to express themselves any way they wish, so long as it doesn’t hurt others. We never, ever reinforce traditional gender binaries or gender roles in the home.
We must admit that when we teach our sons to bury parts of themselves, the only possible outcome is devastation.
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Mallerie’s son has been in school for just two years, her daughter for just four, yet both are already preoccupied with traditional masculinity and femininity. We don’t stand a chance against the culture in public schools, much less the culture on various competitive teams. In short, I give my entire life to creating safer, more equitable spaces, yet I know that it’s virtually inevitable that my kids will feel compelled to fit themselves into the gender roles enforced by society.
The only word I have for that is despair.
We must change our vision of masculinity, and we must communicate the myriad ways that young boys can express themselves without taking power from others.
We must communicate explicitly and constantly that masculinity is not synonymous with dominance, nor is it antonymous with empathy.
We must, as fathers, be intentionally and visibly vulnerable so that our sons can learn what that looks like.
We must admit, as a society, that it’s not an accident that the vast majority of mass murderers are men, and that America’s brand of masculinity puts our children in danger every single day.
We must admit that when we teach our sons to bury parts of themselves, the only possible outcome is devastation.
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Photo: Getty Images
Here is a study that suggests that it’s the absence of boys will be boys rather than the presence, which is the problem. The fact that girls have the sugar and spice pass seems to allow them the grace they need to improve.
http://www.business-standard.com/article/pti-stories/girls-more-likely-to-get-away-with-misbehaving-than-boys-116062200419_1.html
Hi Ronni
This article generated a lot of heated comments.
The way I see it , a little boy N is continually invalidated by his biological dad . And you the social dad despair.
To me it looks like we have two different themes here in the debate.
1:Emotional invalidation of a little boy , and
2: The biological father’s ideas of how to raise a boy to become a man .
I think it is best to leave the concept of masculinity out ,when the problem here (the way I see it) is emotional invalidation and not” masculinity “.
Hi Iben, It’s good to hear from you. I don’t think that many people agree that the biological father is invalidating the boy. In fact, a case can be made that the mother is invalidating the boy. She’s the one insist on his behavior being changed using drugs. I don’t know whether the boys I’ve mentored had ADHD or not. They did take the medication for a while and what sticks with me was what one said after he turned 18 and could legally stop taking the drug. He refused to take it because it made him in his words… Read more »
Hi John
I was not thinking about the ADHD medication issue,but things like his love of color purple and the toy..
ADHD is something I am not qualified to know anything about.
Let me point out safe haven laws. Wait what does that have to do with “toxic” or “hyper” masculinity. Well, ot illustrates society’s response. The murder of newborns is perpetrated by women the overwhelming majority of the time. Exclusive;y by women depending on how you define it like within 24 hours of birth. I’m sure you’ll get differing proportions at 1 week, 1 month, 6 months, etc. Just as the view would probably be different if a mass shooting where defined as 3 people killed instead of 4 or if it were 6 people instead of 4, etc. It would… Read more »
John, you clearly brought up some valid issues regarding women and what I call a “continual free pass.”
I suppose you can look at it that way, but the point is that society responds to issues women face with compassion and support not so much with issues men face. Men have to “man up”, take responsibility, and fix themselves. Every once in a while, they find a baby dropped off at a church or hospital. That’s a child who’s alive who otherwise might not be. That’s a mother who isn’t in jail who otherwise might have just ruined her life. What happens of you could prevent one mass shooting by showing compassion? Heck, isn’t it at least worth… Read more »
“Western concept of masculinity and it’s correlation to violence…”
What does the above mean John? Is this a “white/WASP” type of violence? Is it different from other male violence elsewhere? Are you an ethnographer, biologist, or maybe an expert on violence? In what ways can Japanese masculinity mitigate the impact of Western masculinity?
I’m not convinced that many of the commenters here are interested in dialogue insomuch as they are determined to reject any correlation between Western conceptions of masculinity and violence. To that end, it seems superfluous to continue attempting such dialogue.
For those interested in learning more, or for those making gross assumptions about the ideas expounded on here, I’ve compiled a few links to more in-depth discussions of this correlation and of toxic masculinity in general.
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/06/toxic-masculinity-and-mass-murder/486983/
http://www.salon.com/2016/06/13/overcompensation_nation_its_time_to_admit_that_toxic_masculinity_drives_gun_violence/
http://www.bustle.com/articles/143644-6-harmful-effects-of-toxic-masculinity
It takes two people to have a dialogue, Ronnie. If you just wanted your own thoughts parroted back to you uncritically, you should have stated as much.
I’m sure those article will be just as useless in identifying a non-existent problem.
I had referenced Marcotte’s article in Salon earlier, on a different article on the GMP, as it related to that- but I’d be happy to reiterate my assessments: In her article from Salon, Marcotte said: “Every time feminists talk about toxic masculinity, there is a chorus of whiny dudes who will immediately assume — or pretend to assume — that feminists are condemning all masculinity, even though the modifier ‘toxic’ inherently suggests that there are forms of masculinity that are not toxic.” There are a few inherent (and, I would argue, errant) presumptions in that; the first being, of course,… Read more »
“We, as a society, reject the idea that violent crime is perpetuated predominantly by men because we have a problem with masculinity, choosing more convenient scapegoats like religion and mental illness. The fact is that men are more likely to be domestic abusers, they’re more likely to commit serial murder, and nearly all mass-murderers are men. The common denominator can’t be ignored just because it makes men uncomfortable” Ronnie K., I think you are conflating correlation with causation, and that is almost always detrimental. It’s not inaccurate or disingenuous to point out that of those who commit violent crime, more… Read more »
Sorry to say but it appears to be yet another article that places certain men as being toxic. And for that matter some females as being toxic because of femininity. (sets the feminist movement back 40 years). So what you’re saying is that if a boy finds himself leaning toward certain ways, he’s being forced into that arena by his parents? That parents should avoid any semblance of that type of masculinity because it makes you uncomfortable? You said “This was vital, as my mother’s new husband embodies traditional masculinity to a fault. He’s quiet and removed, usually refuses to… Read more »
Tom – Nice of you to comment, and thank you for giving space to clarify a few things. First, the “not all men” argument is one of the most common ways to derail conversations about masculinity. Second, I’m speaking here about the Western conception of masculinity, not about individual men. The traits assigned to masculinity, and the behaviors excused under the guise of masculinity, have created a society in which we excuse Brock Turner as incapable of resisting his urges and explain away Omar Mateen as a radical Islamist, rather than a murderous man. We, as a society, reject the… Read more »
1. Brock Turner should not have been given the pass that he did. Countless men have not received such a pass. He is by far an exception to the rule. 2. Mateen pledged his allegiance throughout the event and I personally know LGBT people who are disgusted with how this is being handled. 3. Mental illness is not a scapegoat but in fact a reality that’s not being addressed. (Note – GMP has though done a good job addressing it through countless articles – Thank You GMP). 4. The “masculinity” that you demonize is not “masculinity” in that many of… Read more »
Find me any significant number of people who “excused” brock turner as unable to resist his urges.
As far as Omar Mateen goes- he SAID he did it because of his allegiance to ISIS. He killed a bunch of MEN and if you’ve ever hung out with any group of gay guys you’ll see a number of them who a are hypermasculine as hell.
Anyone who chalks up “empathy” as antithetical to masculinity has one heck of a lot of baggage to unpack before they start lecturing others. All you’re doing is chalking up negatives to masculinity and positives to femininity. The ADHD diagnosis is particularly interesting- in one case behavior can be driven by biological factors and must be controlled with drugs yet in the other case “masculine” behaviors are driven by social factors and eeeeeevvviiil men. just another article pushing the utterly false tabula rasa theories although in a fascinating twist, discounting them when convenient. Men and women are very different- a… Read more »
“Anyone who chalks up “empathy” as antithetical to masculinity has one heck of a lot of baggage to unpack before they start lecturing others. All you’re doing is chalking up negatives to masculinity and positives to femininity.”
Exactly. I have yet to see anyone who speaks about toxic masculinity have any idea of what positive masculinity would look like other than “more like women” Ronnie here lashes out at masculinity because he has no idea what it actually looks like.
current progressive thought seems to be that the only ones who should allowed to be masculine are women.
If you’re pumping him full of ADHD medicine, I’m guessing you don’t know how to raise a boy.
Respectfully, I don’t think that’s productive commentary. While I concede that ADHD is vastly over-prescribed and over-medicated, I believe that N absolutely needs his medicine to focus in school. As a teacher and parent, I’ve seen the difference first-hand. How about we give each the other the benefit of the doubt and assume that each of us does his best to make the best, most informed decision for our children?
I’ve worked with abused children before. Each of the two boys I’ve mentored were diagnosed with ADHD and pumped full of drugs because they had behavior problems. They haven’t been taking the meds since I’ve been working with then. One is an honor student now. The other joined the army rangers. Not an easy feat to accomplish. It’s amazing what a kid can accomplish when you take him out of an abusive environment. Now I’m not saying N is being abused or that you and his mom don’t have his best interests at heart. I’m not even saying he doesn’t… Read more »
Again, respectfully, I’m going to assume that you’re doing the best by the kids you mention. You ought to give others the benefit of the doubt as well. Point of fact: your comment makes several assumptions that are never addressed in the article, thus you have no basis for accusations about what we are or not doing. I think it’s most productive to keep the conversation on the topic at hand, which is that traditional masculinity greatly contributes to violent crime.
“it’s most productive to keep the conversation on the topic at hand, which is that traditional masculinity greatly contributes to violent crime.” Why? You make the assumption that men are violent so the problem lies with traditional masculinity. The child does poorly in school. The problem must lie within the child (ADHD). It can’t possibly lie within the school. Am I correct in the way you’re thinking. Isn’t that what gay people experienced. Society believed that there must be something wrong with them? Take a step back. Those who protect us are men as well. Those who risk their lives… Read more »
In this instance, no, you aren’t correct in your assumption. This post has nothing to do with public education, but I will say that we have taken strong issue with the structure of his previous school and have sought out an alternative specifically designed to benefit those who struggle with focusing/sitting still for long periods. Again, I think it’s best that we give each other the benefit of the doubt here and assume that we are both well-informed, conscious decision-makers. Secondly, I’m not blaming men. I’m blaming traditional masculinity and how our society reinforces it. I’m also not “quick to… Read more »
“Excusing violent outbursts and aggressive behaviors as innately male is a problem. Plain and simple.” Who does that? Men receive sentences approximately twice as harsh as women. You talk about Brock Turner. He’s an anomaly when it comes to sentencing men. Chantae Gilman though who got 9 months for breaking into a house and forcibly holding a man down while raping him. She was a career criminal as well having been convicted of crimes starting 15 years prior when she was 15. “t makes no acknowledgement of the myriad contributions women have had in growing our society. That, in itself,… Read more »
“All I’m saying is that there is no need to kill traditional masculinity. There is nothing wrong with the suggestion that society further adapt to be inclusive of traditional masculinity as well as every other place on the gender spectrum.” Sums it up perfectly.
Great response John. As I mentioned in one of my responses is that one aspect that’s being completely ignored is that a majority of kids are now being raised with the primary parent being the mom. Is traditional masculinity the problem or is it the “lack” of ANY masculinity.
“In 1944, 18 year olds stormed beaches, jumped from planes, charged into almost certain death. In 2016, 18 year olds need a safe place because words hurt.” … Give me 1944 any time. because traditional masculinity is being demonized, I don’t know what the future will look like.
ADHD medication is often used to control a child’s behavior. Mothers have shown that they can’t handle a buys energy. I read somewhere (still looking for the link) that mothers killed sons twice as often as daughters. Inn any event, they kill their children as rates several times more frequently than fathers. I’m not surprised that Ronnie isn’t aware of this, since the government does seem to make every effort to try and conceal that. It was difficult to find and was a comment I made on another thread. Here is the comment. “The stats aren’t that easy to find,… Read more »
Great info John, I’ll have to archive the links for future use.
John, Just a few articles on the subject
https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=ADHD+commonly+misdiagnosed
Beautiful piece of work, Ronnie. Perfectly reasoned and expressed. Thank you.
Thanks so much! I’m glad you found it worthwhile!