Joseph Kerr wasn’t prepared when his wife became abusive–and the systems in place to help weren’t ready either.
What do you do when a girl hits you?
I was sitting across the desk from the child protective services supervisor, who spoke with confidence of things he didn’t know.
“You’ve been to Iraq, we know all the guys who come back are fucked up in the head… If you need medication to stay focused or to see someone for mental issues — we know the military just sends you to war and spits you back out on the streets — we can help you with that.”
That’s one hell of a worm in the water. I had steady hands on my gear as the bullets were flying. My voice was confident when addressing senior leaders no matter the circumstance. Now I wore a nice-guy smile and kept cool as the guy who was going to decide if I was fit to see my daughter again belittled my Marine Corps career and used my stack of medals to weigh the scales against me; to prove my psychosis.
My hands lay gently on the table; the identification tabs from jail and the hospital were stacked on my left wrist. I turned my head slightly. He’d have to continue to insult my manhood and military service into a baseball-sized lump enveloping my eye.
“What do you do when a girl hits you? … You wouldn’t just stand there, right? I mean you’re a big guy, you’re a Marine, you’re trained to fight, the Marines wouldn’t teach you to get beat up….”
Clever.
Getting hit by a woman is a new kind of scary for me. I can face fear, I can fight scary, but I can’t hit a woman. It’s a prisoner’s dilemma for the assaulted. The guy laughed at me when I said there’s nothing to do except just turn away. I asked what he’d do if I were a woman and started hitting him in this private interview room. “I’d grab your arms and hold you back,” he said. I countered, “that’s going to be tough for you to explain why I’ll have your handprints and bruises on my arms and there’s not a scratch on you.”
He made a final attempt to reduce me to a crazy-veteran archetype. One more question and I could relieve him of the work required in an actual investigation.
“So the police thought you were lying, right? That’s why they arrested you. If they believed you they wouldn’t arrest you.”
Breathe. Think. Pause, not too long. The words have to sound calm. Breathe.
My marriage wasn’t great. Heck, let’s be straight, it was on the verge of collapse. Probably had been there for at least two years. I was staying for the kids. My wife and I fought (verbally) nearly every time we had more than a few sentences to say to each other. We were roommates with chidden running around. It was horrible, but each weekend I was home and I had my kids. My two awesome kids. I’d take them out as often I could and do anything I could so they didn’t need to be in the middle of their mom and I.
Finally it was going to end. She wanted to move out of state with the kids and had no interest in discussing sharing custody. “We’re not discussing it, you can’t stop us from leaving. Sign it or I’ll get a lawyer and make you sign it.” She handed me a do-it-yourself version of divorce papers.
I reached out to some divorce lawyers. This life sucks for me, for the kids, for everyone. What do I do? “It’s a game of chicken in your house now,” the he said. “Neither one of you can leave with the kids, and the first one who leaves without them is a step behind in trying to get custody.”
Is there a worse possible way to resolve such a pending disaster?
Then the email confirmation — plane tickets, one adult, two children, one way, leaving soon. Tomorrow morning would be different, but sleeping on the couch was normal. I ended up on the ground next to the stairs. She kicked my head into the solid wood base. I blacked out, came to, stood up, bleeding. My daughter was screaming, “Stop hurting daddy!”
It was over. We were over. I headed out the door to the police and then the hospital. My daughter stopped me. “Daddy, you need to go to a doctor, here take this,” she handed me a bandage. “I love you” was the last thing I said to her. It’s been almost a month.
I walked into the police station falling apart. What happened? What will I do next? What happens on Monday? What happens for the rest of my life? How will I explain what just happened to my kids? My head was spinning as much from the injury as from the complete collapse of my home life. I knew the officer, I had came by the night before suspecting that my wife was leaving with the kids, he assumed why I was crying, “hey man, it’s alright, you knew this was going to happen….”
I pulled off my sunglasses and revealed my bloody face. “Whoa, what the hell happened?”
I started piecing together what happened. The argument, her throwing the breakfast I was making for the kids on the ground, grabbing my laptop, the stairs, my kids, screaming. I pulled out the Band-Aid and broke down again.
“Is she hurt? Did you hit her…?” No. Never. I waited.
“We’re sending a car over there to talk to her.” I waited some more.
“You wife is telling a bit of a different story, as happens a lot in these situations, she says you threatened her.”
“We’re going to take you into custody now.”
“Stand up and put your hands behind your back.”
An hour later I was handcuffed to a hospital bed waiting for CAT scan results to know if my head was bleeding. I looked at the officer.
“What do you do when a woman hits you?”
“I don’t know what to tell you, man” he confided. “We don’t like doing these things, but our hands are tied. We have to look at who is the primary aggressor.”
Stop Violence Against Women aggregated legal writings and produced a list of determining factors for the primary aggressor. Below is a portion of the list:
⁃ The height and weight of the parties
⁃ Which party has the potential to seriously injure the other party
⁃ Whether a party has a fearful demeanor
⁃ Whether a party has a controlling demeanor
Like most men, I am taller and heavier than my wife. I’m a Marine veteran with combat training. Studies have shown that gender (either biologically or by social framework) plays a role in being fearful. Women are more likely to report being afraid[1].
In 2006, the spokesman for the New York Mass Transit Authority, Gene Sansone said, “a lot of psychologists agree that people are more receptive to orders from men.”[2] Of the full list of 12 criteria to consider, it seems unlikely the man in any situation wouldn’t have at least these four lined up against him from the moment the police start looking at the evidence. Another third of the list involve prior histories, and the final few ask the officers to weigh the injuries of both.
The two officers escorting me to and from the hospital and then to central booking didn’t have any advice when I asked what I should have done. “Sorry, man.”
They never took photographs of the side of my face.
Thirty hours later I stood in front of a judge and had a county prosecutor argue against me: “His wife is afraid of him. She said he…”
Released on my own recognizance; order of protection outlaws me from contacting her or my kids for a year.
A few days later my eye had an almost cartoonish discoloration. I’d gone back to the ER complaining of headaches and the light bothering me. She cleared out my bank account. I was a friend’s couch away from adding to the homeless veteran population — 62,619 + 1.
I sat across from my lawyer and talked about the other time. She grabbed me and ripped my shirt. Her nails cut my face. I bled. I tried to walk out the door. She blocked the door. I was a gym-every-day, active duty Marine, fearing someone a fraction of my size. If she had a penis I’d have a dozen ways to put her on the ground. Instead, I was left to sneak out a bedroom window and spend the night in a parking lot.
I tried the police and now in front of a guy practicing law for nearly as long as I’ve been alive I tried again.
“What do you do when a woman hits you?”
“Run. Run and don’t go to the police.”
That’s it.
I reached out to a few domestic abuse support groups. “How can this actually be happening? How can I be the one to have been arrested? Why?”
I spoke to a nice lady on the phone and tried to pass my confusion into a question they were built to answer: legal advice, criminal cases, orders of protection. I was going to have to get rid of this order of protection if I was going to get my kids.
“Sir, are you calling about domestic violence?” — yes.
“Okay, we’re going to help you. Has there been an arrest?” — yes, me.
“Ummm, wait what?”
Their web site mentioned they deal specifically with custody in cases of domestic abuse. Sounded like exactly whom I needed.
Then came the second punch. “Do you have custody of the children?” No, that’s why I’m calling.
“I’m sorry sir, our charter only allows us to help domestic abuse victims who have custody of their children.”
This silly game of catch-22. Why don’t I have my kids? Should I have taken them with me as I went to the police station? Should I have asked them to explain the nice officer how mommy had hit daddy and be an accomplice in her arrest? Would any of it matter? There were no injuries on her; plenty on me. They’d have just watched their dad get handcuffed and be as confused as I am.
At this point I couldn’t help but think beyond my situation. How I am I going to explain this all to my kids when I see them again. What would I tell my son if he ever was in a relationship that had gone as bad as mine had? If he called me up one night and said, dad….
“What do you do when a woman hits you?”
I never realized how much violence against men by women was a part of TV shows. There must be something disarming in realizing that the larger, stronger man is allowing the woman to do something physically to him. One of the classic tropes of the Seinfield series was Julia Louis-Dreyfus pushing the other male characters[3]. Sometimes it was playful, sometimes it was out of anger, but it was always her pushing him.
The HBO hit show Newsroom takes it a step further with Olivia Munn’s character, a socially awkward economics Ph.D. When someone suggests making up lies about her online to get a story on an internet prank group she grabs the guy and throws him up against a wall and yells at him[4]. After her ex-boyfriend posts naked pictures of her online she goes to her office and kicks him in the groin then punches him in the face, finally taking a photo of him laying on the ground with blood pouring out of his nose[5].
The character’s anger could be understood for either gender, but could the violence? There is no way a guy could go to his ex’s office and touch her no matter how grievous her transgressions, yet somehow Munn’s attack feels like a triumph over her emotional tailspin during the majority of the episode.
So, what do you do when a woman hits you?
Guys can laugh off a slap from a girl. It’s a punch line in sitcoms whenever there’s a crass joke. But be careful that those never become more than playful. Because I’ve never found a helpful answer to the question. I hope you never have to.
Photo—tinou bao/Flickr
[1] “Gender role and behavioral avoidance: The influence of perceived confirmability of self-report,” McLean, Carmen P., Ph.D., University of Nebraska – Lincoln, 2007 http://gradworks.umi.com/32/62/3262188.html
[2] “Voices Down Below”, by Justin Rocket Silverman, AM New York, 2006
[3] Seinfield YouTube clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-XgvHPt1cg
[4] Newsroom YouTube clip, Season 1, Episode 8 http://youtu.be/LZC0Nz255KQ
[5] Newsroom screen grab, Season 2, Episode 5 http://imgur.com/a/GN3ou#0
I love my girl a lot to the point where I want to marry her, I have even meet her family, but I can not get over the idea that one day she might hurt me really badly.often when we argue she hits or bits me, and if I just shut my mouth it’s worse often leading to her crying but me with punches, slaps,bites and kicks. True is I’m not perfect I could do better to not egg her on at times, but I feel like hitting should not be my punishment.
RUN. It will just progress – to an intolerable level. I had the male version. It just gets worse. It’s about control Her v You (in her mind) these histrionic personal characteristics are your warning. I wish I had, sooner. Just GO. You are correct. She IS going to hurt you. Bad….. someday. Hope that day isn’t today. My (mentally and physically) abusive fiancé was in the process of choking me out when a neighbor stopped by. I’d be dead if someone hadn’t interrupted him. It happens FAST. Listen to your instincts
I have the same thing going on. Its normal for her to scream and yell at me. I usually just go to bed no matter what time it is and try and be quite. That doesn’t always work. Lots of times I will lay and bed and be hit. I have woken up to her hitting me with fans and many of other things. When I push her away she usually has a mark. Then the next day she always threatens me with the police and she says who are they going to believe. She truly is a horrible person.… Read more »
My new spouse used to hit me and when I told her to stop she did….but then she would look at me with such hatred when we argued that I assumed an attack was imminent. She would snap on me one day, I thought to myself, and on that day I would defend myself. Now of course I wouldn’t do it with the zeal I would if she were a man, but in subduing her I definitely assumed I would prevent any further attacks. March 31, 2017, that day came. She said she would be home late, had to get… Read more »
Leave before she hurts your children. And report her behavior to a counselor.
Unfortunately the feminists who have lobbied to tilt the system against men have created a very singular and unfortunate solution to violence against men. Beat her to death, bury her six feet under and carry a big solid alibi in your pocket. It seems to be the only option left. I’m not for killing women, or anyone for that matter, over a simple domestic incident. However a cornered rat is a cornered rat, and these hyperfeminists have made any man who gets hit or threatened with violence by a woman a cornered rat. (Hint: Try cornering a rat. See how… Read more »
This is a ridiculous truth of our society. One of the problems is the woman’s behavior will escalate and become more and more violent. The idea of this guy getting arrested for being kicked in the head while asleep is completely absurd.
Anyone thinking of enlisting in the Armed Forces needs to read this and consider if the system that they are wanting to risk life and limb for, is worth it. This man is being treated as subhuman garbage for reporting his (ex)wife to the police for assaulting and injuring him, and this appears to be the way it almost always is.
Also, I wonder how often she injures her children when she gets angry, now that he is not around to protect them?
Check the Police report Randall tells a story about his wife hitting him which ultimately caused him to get arrested. What the public failed to recognize is that Randall is a pathological liar. Randall was arrested due to the fact that he attempted to strangle his wife because she caught him cheating. Randall failed to note in his blog that he passed on STD’s to his wife who at the time was pregnant. The day of the confrontation, Randall body slammed his daughter and cracked her skull. She was innocent and was caught up in his rage. Randall went to… Read more »
Who is Randall? This guy says his name is Josef Kerr.
LOL, really who & WTF are you talking about?
Truly heart breaking story. When I read the title I thought “oh please.” You just grab her, detain her, whatever. Its simple. I was wrong. My heart goes out to this man. He illustrated beautifully how a man caught in this situation is bound to lose and lose big. Domestic violence is an incredibly despicable thing but it is horrible how we have such a bias as a society when it comes to men being abused my women. I had a girlfriend who was verbally and mentally abusive. I lucky enough to say that it was just mostly the verbal… Read more »
You can’t protect yourself from violence if you don’t avoid it first. Sleeping while predators are around, with no sentry or alarm system, is a bit too dangerous, okay. Would you go to sleep in the house of a mass murderer cop that had killed so many people and been cleared of any wrong doing every single time? Maybe? I wouldn’t. It’s much safer to go sleep out in the wilderness, with the bears and snakes and mosquitoes, then to sleep in the company or presence of a woman who has clearly been mind controlled by evil authorities and influences.… Read more »
Thank you for reading and sharing this story.
We are working to help this Marine, my big brother, raise money for legal fees. Eight months, and still fighting this legal battle. (http://gofundme.com/battered-marine-dad)
Thank you ALL for your support.
“Tomorrow morning would be different, but sleeping on the couch was normal. I ended up on the ground next to the stairs. ” – what happened in between those two sentences?
Tim, I’m wondering the same thing.
So sad and so true.
What do you do when a girl hits you?
Leave.
That is the only acceptable response. I have said this to females who chose to remain with abusers, and I say it now to men who are victims of violence:
The day that a girl hits you is the day you leave.
The first time you are hit you are a victim.
The second time you are hit, you are a volunteer.
By not leaving, you (male or female) have made a choice to stay.
That is it: Get out, get gone and stay gone.
Where do they go? Even my small town has an abuse shelter for women, but the language on their site leaves no ambiguity about what they think about male victims.
“The second time you are hit, you are a volunteer.”
Um, no. Never.
The second time you are hit (that is, the second time someone decides to hit you), you are still a victim.
Then the children are the only remaining target.
Indeed
I’ve been accused of being a feminist because, as a female Marine, when I point out double standards, it is usually one in which women are viewed negatively (i.e, that girl hangs out with a bunch of guys and therefor must be promiscuous– something I have had people accuse me of when the guys in question were in my unit and we were eating together after a unit function). However, I have always been quick to point out double standards and sexist views that negatively portray men, as well. I find it very sexist that these officials didn’t believe a… Read more »
This broke my heart to read. I am truly sorry to hear what has happened to you and your family, and I fear for your children… As a woman who has suffered abuse from both of the female family members I grew up with, alongside of the men who came and left throughout it, I know how horrible of an experience it is. But having lived through this abuse, I know that women are just as capable of abuse as men are. Sure, most women I personally know resort more to barking than biting, but on the flipside, so do… Read more »
I can sympathize with this story. I spent a night in jail after being hit, and abused yet again by my long time live in girlfriend. I always kept my cool, thus time she had also decided hitting me wasn’t enough so she punched my 3 month old tv shattering the screen. I threw her out, called the cops, they came and looked for her, didn’t take a statement from me or my roommate who had seen most of it. Then I get a call threatening me to take her back or else. later that night cops showed up for… Read more »
I’m sorry that happened. Sounds like she really needs to control other people (at least, you anyway). Sounds like a night in the box may have been a better option than this woman. I hope you’ve moved on
Your main defense as I see it is to basically say. “If i’m a trained fighter and have so much ability to hurt someone, then why does she not have a bruise on her? I’m trained to fight and kill men twice her size, if I wanted to hurt her and be the aggressor she would have had least had one mark on her, she has none, I do.” However men not in the military can’t really pull that, but a variant of it might be a good defense if they use the “your bigger then her” argument and your… Read more »
That would work in a perfect world.
Unfortunately, they use a checklist and determined that he is the “primary aggressor.” In handcuffs. Eight months fighting the bogus charges.
We are raising money to help him with his legal fees, and appreciate all help in spreading the word / awareness.
http://gofundme.com/battered-marine-dad
What’s the cause number and state? Or can you screenshot the Complaint by the State?
Get out of there and get a restraining order and report it AFTER the restraining order. Also prepare for that eventuality, donate to the local prosecutor’s campaign every year. EVERY year. Also his/hers significant competition, you want to make friends, not enemies.
Yes and Yes. Sounds like you’ve been through the wash a couple times. I get it
I just want to say thank you for your courage in speaking out about these issues. I know that the feminist I have worked with over the years, in particular those who are working as advocates for victims of domestic violence, are NOT happy with the “required arrest” mandates and other ways that the system assumes men to be aggressors and women to be victims. There are a lot of things wrong with the way we handle violence, child-rearing, custody and other issues…. all of them tied up in patriarchal values of masculinity and femininity. I hope one day, as… Read more »
The answer is… there is always a lead in to this kind of behavior. Men cannot dismiss it as “she just needs to calm down a bit”. Get cameras, audio recordings, and a pit bull for a lawyer. Also, file a statement with the police dept at the first sign of perceived trouble. Develop an exit strategy from the violent woman… also if you all remember…. the correct adage was “never hit a lady”. If she is hitting you, she is no lady. Game on. Defend yourself and have witnesses. Share your issues with people who can vouch for your… Read more »
Restraining is the best option. Most men can restrain most women. Heck, even most women can restrain most women as well. Only if you actually need to beat someone to defend yourself, then yes. But only to make em stop, till they stop – and focus on not to hurt them more than they have hurt you.
The bruises from restraining her can be used against a man to make him out to be the aggressor.
EXACTLY. Everyone: – Mr Egg McMuffin has the lowdown
I cannot believe some of the comments I’m reading on this thread. To the women who are arguing that shedding light on female aggressors somehow diminishes awareness or clarity around violence against women, or cannibalizes limited resources to address such violence: 1) Lies, damned lies and statistics – this writer is one of MANY men who is not “counted” in domestic abuse statistics. That doesn’t mean that females are aggressors as often as men; that doesn’t mean that women are not more vulnerable than men, physically and socially speaking. But it should make EVERYONE, male and female, VERY concerned that… Read more »
1. Exactly. This is that illusion that helping men somehow silences women. Its amazing that for people who make no small bones about how female abuse victims are under counted will then turn around and pretend that the numbers on male victims are totally accurate and there is no way they could be higher. Most likely its not that they don’t want them to be higher, but specifically they don’t want to lose the gap between the numbers of male and female victims. That gap is what helps keep women in the center of the conversation on violence. 2. If… Read more »
A shocking story and I agree with both of you that domestic violence is unacceptable whether it is men against women or women against men and all victims should be taken seriously and treated equally. Whew, it’s scary how stereotyping still pervades our society and affects how such cases are treated. It’s true that usually when we see women hitting men in movies, the implication is that he deserved it. I guess it’s really hard for society to see women, who are meant to be nurturing, caring, motherly creatures, can also be angry, violent and messed up. We know such… Read more »
I haven’t noticed any comments about‘preserving gender based narrative, etc etc’ that you mentioned? I agree 100% this is a serious problem with dangerous consequences. Legislative Reform and education of the police- or at a minimum, mandatory QAs they have to ‘go down the list’ so that male victims might have a chance to tell their stories before they are hauled to the poke. Like in the principal story in this thread.
I feel for you. There are no good options for you to take and it seems like everything is stacked against you. I’d like to share my own story. Although not as egregious a story as your, it still can be another story told about women who are violent towards men. I started dating a women last year and although things were hardly perfect, we both seemed to love each other. We had our fights, far more than I think a healthy relationship has (but I would still be in this relationship if it were healthy), but I never once… Read more »
I’m very curious about the editorial decision to have the title say “when a girl hits you” instead of “when a woman hits you.” The first time he raises the question it says “girl,” but for the rest of the article it says: “What do you do when a woman hits you?” That seems to be the main question of the article. It’s describing an adult, female human who uses violence against a man. The assailant is clearly a woman and not a girl. It’s clear that “girl” and “woman” give very different connotations about how dangerous the abuse is.… Read more »
This is a really important piece to hear. And it is heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking. What does a man do when a woman hits him? I have no answer for that. What do you when your wife kicks you in the head? I simply don’t know. I simply can’t imagine what kind of woman does this. Other then a really terrible one. The fact that a man does infact have a different body structure and muscle mass compared to a woman can clearly be both a draw back or a positive. I don’t think it’s fair to completely ignore what a… Read more »
Erin,
You say you want to help. Why don’t you call around to domestic violence prevention centers in your area and ask them why they refuse to help men who are victims of domestic violence? If they won’t, start a shelter that helps men and women equally. Stop treating this as a one-off, unusual situation, and recognize the systematic way in which we refuse to help men and boys when they are abused.
If you want justice, work for justice. Don’t just wring your hands.
This is such a sad article. I wish that didn’t happen to you. I wish all victims of domestic violence could be taken seriously and get the assistance they need. I hope you got your children.
Tia,
He doesn’t have them yet but he gets to visit. It’s sad, too, the way they’ve been fed an awful narrative about how “bad” daddy is. My niece was in the room and SAW what her mommy did to her daddy and yet she’s starting to believe what she’s being told. Meanwhile he’s fighting a criminal case where charges keep changing, hearings are delayed and legal fees keep adding up. I started a fund raiser to help with his legal fees: will you help by sharing it?
Thanks,
Krissy
http://www.gofundme.com/battered-marine-dad
This blindness to male victims of women is not doing women any favors, either. Think about it. Discounting aggression in women or discounting women’s capacity for violence is just one more way of discounting women. It’s just one more layer of the “sugar and spice and everything nice” infantilizing garbage that’s kept women down for centuries. It’s as much disempowering as empowering. If we want a society that really does think women are just as capable of men are, then we have to accept that women are just as capable at the BAD things, too, not just the good things.… Read more »
Steve,
As a woman (and the sister of the Marine who wrote this article after getting his head smashed in by his wife in front of his daughter) I agree: blindness to male victims ISNT doing women any favors. I’m stymied by the incredible bias in the system. He’s still fighting; charges have been changed, dropped, added and his legal fees are mounting. I started a fundraiser to help with the cost; will you help by sharing his story?
Women ARE capable, just as capable, of abusing men (and women) as men are.
A Marine’s frustrated little sister,
Krissy
http://www.gofundme.com/battered-marine-dad
I don’t like how you guys are this male issue and twisting it into a woman’s issues. Pls stop.