A strange man talking to two little girls isn’t necessarily something to be afraid of.
—-
We were all in the grassy amphitheater by the Rose Garden. I was the tall white guy with the shaved head, tossing a frisbee around with a lady friend. You were a young black woman listening to music on earbuds while you watched your daughters run around. (I assume they were your daughters; I apologize if I’m mistaken about that.)
When the younger of your two girls approached me and shyly said “Hello”, and when her sister joined her, you did something most parents don’t: you let them play with me.
I’m used to parents pulling their kids closer when I pass by. I’m used to seeing parents hurry over to a child who greets a stranger, gathering the child back into their sphere like a herding dog. I’m used to people assuming I’m a threat, to the point that I don’t bother to be offended any more. It’s just what folks do.
You didn’t, though. You sat enjoying the sun, keeping one eye on your kids to be sure they didn’t wander off, and you let us play together.
Me and my friend had a lot of fun teaching your daughters to throw a frisbee. Even if they were a little young to really get the hang of it, it’s never too early to start practicing the fundamentals of important life skills like frisbee. More importantly, they obviously had a good time playing with us.
A frisbee is a wonderful thing on a sunny, breezy day. It dips and bobs and catches light, it floats through the air in a way that, to a little kid, looks an awful lot like magic. It’s fun to let it loft toward you, easy to catch in a way that a ball never is. It’s amazing the first time you toss it with enough spin, so that it sails easily on the air and suddenly the magic is in your own hands.
I’ve never gotten a chance to teach a child to throw a frisbee before, so that was a fun and life-enriching experience for me. Your daughters got some initial instruction in the noble art of the flying disc, so that was a fun and life-enriching experience for them. You made that possible by not choosing fear.
You had reasons to choose fear. Our culture teaches us that kids are under constant threat from strange men, even though in reality when kids are victimized it’s usually by a friend or family member. You grew up saturated in the same culture of fear, and nobody could blame you for buying into it. Then, too, guys with my haircut sometimes have violent tendencies when it comes to people with your skin tone, and your daughters’. I can’t imagine that didn’t cross your mind.
You chose the benefit of the doubt, though. You chose to believe that a game of frisbee was merely a game of frisbee, not a sinister ploy to hurt your two sweet kids. You were willing to trust that I meant no harm.
Maybe it’s absurd that your choice of trust touched me so deeply. It ought to be commonplace, after all, to think the best of people. But it isn’t, and I don’t think I realized until then just how deeply I’d gotten used to being seen as a threat. I’d just come to take it for granted, a natural part of the background noise of life. Politicians lie, rush-hour traffic stinks, and people assume I want to hurt them or their children, that’s just how it is. Until suddenly it isn’t.
Thanks for helping me see things differently, and thanks for your part in making it a fun afternoon in the park. May you and your daughters never have cause to wish you’d chosen fear.
—
This post is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock
Not to be rude or offensive in any way but I think we are loosing sight of what this article is truly about. We can sit an argue statistics and the grand nature of being overprotective adding the pros and cons of both throwing in justification and personal experience. I read the article and I read the comments and though my heart goes out to any victims of abuse that’s not at what I read in this article. What I see and what touched me deeply is that the act of one woman—and let me just point out she certainly… Read more »
Eagle35, I am a stepmother of 2 and grandmother of 3. I want the kids to all know good men in their lives and to not make fear-based decision making their main way of thinking about the world. I commend your respectful comments in this thread.
And I commend you, Alexandra, for explaining my point succinctly about not letting fear-based decision making rule their lives when dealing with men. That’s all I’m saying.
Yet what do I get in return: People hoping I don’t have daughters.
Children spending time with good men teaches them how to recognize good men and tell the difference. Thank you for teaching your frisbee game to these two precious girls. 🙂
Nice story Noah that rebuilds some faith in others and the trust we should all deserve.
As a woman who was molested at 9 years old by a male unknown to me or my family as well as I am the mother of 4 children. You can believe that I absolutely would be suspicious of a grown man who neither I nor my family knew, wanting to play frisbee with my precious children. It’s a myth from the past that it’s usually a friend or relative who molests children. Being a scrutinizer of everyone and everything concerning my children is my duty. I stand between the world and my babies to ward off harm to them.… Read more »
It is not a myth from the past. It is statistics.
Brenda: “As a woman who was molested at 9 years old by a male unknown to me or my family as well as I am the mother of 4 children. You can believe that I absolutely would be suspicious of a grown man who neither I nor my family knew, wanting to play frisbee with my precious children.” While I am sympathetic to your hurt, at the same time you can’t in any way use this to justify the prejeduice and undeserving scorn a man gets when he finds himself in the company of kids or caring for kids. You… Read more »
You are really ignorant of what happens with molesters. I know first hand from three different people in my childhood and from studying psychology. Common sense is in their too. They are everywhere and a molester could have been the one to write this article. Good luck deciphering between a ‘good man’ and a molester. She is in no way being overprotective. I hope you don’t have daughters.
Me: “You are really ignorant of what happens with molesters.” I’m not going to dignify this with a retort. Me: ” I know first hand from three different people in my childhood and from studying psychology.” So that makes you the foremost expert on the subject? Me: “Common sense is in their too.” What’s common sense about labeling every single man on this planet a potential molester? Would you like me to label every girl and woman a potential boy beater and molester as well? Because if we’re going by your logic of common sense then it’s okay for me… Read more »
EDIT: Heal FROM your injuries.
Eagle you are wrong. Brenda not only has a right to be protective of her children, she has a duty to be protective and as to what constitutes excessive is not for you to judge. Brenda will take whatever measures she deems appropriate to introduce her children to positive male role models. Brenda does not feel comfortable exposing her children to strangers in a park and that is not only her right , but it is very prudent. It strikes me as a bit odd that a man would be in the least bit insulted or harmed if children who… Read more »
Being a scrutinizer of everyone and everything concerning my children is my duty.
And if that is how you are carrying it then I imagine a imagine a lot of people wouldn’t be too concerned. There’s a big difference between scrutinizing everyone and everything and being scrutinizing of men and only men.
Happy!
I’m glad this guy talked about this openly. The fear of male strangers is a little exaggerated. A child being abused by a stranger is incredibly low statistically. Most abuse (when it happens) happens from a family member that the child knows. I hope in the future we can work back towards a more open and trusting environment when it comes to kids.
I am glad this man felt good to be trusted so implicitly. Its far too easy for parents and caregivers to give in to fear and run for shelter in so many commonplace circumstances. I freely admit though, that I think if he had already been seen playing with a female friend, the outcome might have been different. Every odd while, some child is interested in what I am up to, and the reverse could also be said. In these cases I find myself being cautious, for fear that someone may get the wrong idea or see me as a… Read more »