Breaking out of the Man-Box isn’t easy. But men of all ages are doing it and Theresa Byrne wants to show women how to help.
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How can women support healing for men? Start by understanding the factors involved.
The key is to understanding how healing (or the healing process) affects men differently than women. And no, we don’t heal or struggle in the same exact ways, although there are some similarities.
Men have 10 times the hormone testosterone running through their systems. This creates an impact on them when they’re struggling, as do factors such as when and where they were raised. Compound that with family messaging like: “stiff upper lip,” “boys don’t cry,” “man up,” “only wusses ask for help,” or “don’t be a sissy.” It all matters.
If it wasn’t OK to display certain emotions as children, especially the ones that come with struggling, then it’s more of a challenge later learning how to deal with these emotions (like sadness, anger, fear, self-doubt, etc). And you can forget about men easily having words to explain the feelings!
If it wasn’t OK to display certain emotions as a child, especially the ones that come with struggle, then it’s more of a challenge to learn how to deal with these emotions and you can forget about putting words to them!
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I don’t love breaking people into groups or labels, by gender or anything else, but in this case it may help to open our eyes. There are exceptions, of course, but often, as much as it hurts my heart to say it, I see men behaving like wounded animals. Hiding out and full of pain but unable to verbalize where it hurts and how it happened. Or what they need.
As men get training and practice in self-awareness or self-development the differences lessen. This is where breaking out of the Man-Box can help. As women who love these men, we can support them through the process.
Here’s where nature and nurture meet — in how we handle stress.
- Men are more programmed to fight (thanks, testosterone). “Where’s the bad guy? I’ve got this. Lemme at him/it/them.”
- Women tend to go into flee or the newest “freeze” neo-cotex response. “RUUUUUUN!” Or the frozen deer in the headlights look.
- Men (and boys) are also less verbally apt than women.
- Women are more able to put feelings into words or descriptions. Woman: “I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, I couldn’t breathe!” Man: “I felt bad.”
- Men are more driven to do (as the adrenaline response shoots through their body when there’s a stressor).
- They want to fix things when we’re upset.“Here’s what you need to do…”
- They are more likely to “hide out” when upset. Think of it like a Man Cave.
- Men can move to internally beating themselves up, it’s part of the Fight Response. They fight themselves. “This is stupid. I’m stupid. How did I do this again?”
Makes sense, doesn’t it? Now you know why your man or the men in your life are quick to fix things. That’s how many of them are wired. Fixers. Not feelers. They aren’t as well trained in feelings. You add all that up and you get something new to them when they face healing. When you ask them what they’re thinking or feeling you may get the “I dunno” response.
When I meet with young men/boys at the studio, which usually happens when they’re in some sort of trouble, their mothers are often frustrated by their lack of ability to put feelings into words. “Oh it’s completely normal, Mrs. Jones. Boys are able to describe about four emotions: mad, glad, sad, and confused or excited depending on the day. They don’t really get the shades of these. But they can say if they felt “bad” or it makes them sad.”
Space, The Final Frontier
The one thing anyone going through a difficult or a healing time needs is space. Think of space like a scientist: a spot on the time/space continuum. And I don’t mean like “leave them alone” space. It’s “what do you need today?” space. And “you will heal” space. And “I’ve got your back” space.
Creating a supportive space for healing is like giving room for a broken bone to heal. I said men may feel wounded? There’s medical magic happening on the inside when bones begin to mend: intricate systems and subsystems all working together to produce cells to help speed the healing.
Creating a supportive space for healing is like giving room for a broken bone to heal. We don’t push on the broken bone or yell at the bone and tell it to hurry up or “get over it.” Or talk about how it really is selfish to try to heal this or that way.
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We don’t push on the broken bone or yell at the bone and tell it to hurry up or “get over it.” Or talk about how it really is selfish to try to heal this or that way. We splint the bone, offering it a supportive way to be held. We don’t do things that hurt it. Or make it feel worse. We don’t beat up a broken bone.
Creating the supportive space. Here’s a handy checklist:
- Acceptance: This is the hardest one, especially if someone close to you pulls away feeling hurt, wounded or into a healing cave. Acceptance means “I’m not judging you. I get that you need this right now. There’s nothing wrong with you for wanting to be alone/have this time.”
- Allowance: This means there’s no time limit, there’s no pressure and you are allowing them what they need to heal. This doesn’t mean that a healing man can ever be cruel, hurtful, or abusive to you. This also doesn’t mean you take on the role of “fixing” or mothering (unless you’re their mom).
- Support: Asking if they need anything, if they want to talk, go for a walk or there’s anything you can do to help. Tell them you’re there if they need it.
- Caring: Letting them know that you love them, you care, and you see what an amazing human being they are. Sometimes this is the most important step because they may be beating themselves up for something that’s completely natural.
- Checking in: This can be just a simple, “How’re you doing today?” It’s all in the way that you let someone know you’re there and you’re thinking about them. Not that you require anything in return.
I’d love to hear your ideas on creating a healing space for men (and boys). The time is upon us when more and more men will need it.
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
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Photo courtesy of Prime Code
@ Veronica, “I know it is his way of masking out the pain and hopelessness, but it is not the answer.” But, just why does he feel this way? He has to be willing to acknowledge and tackle his demons. Only then will he cease with the drinking. Obviously, he is depressed. So, he needs professional help in fighting his inner demons. You should get the book by Terence Real, “I Don’t Want to Talk About It”. You two should read it together. “I will keep on trying- because I love him, and after all, love is the most important… Read more »
Jules,
Excellent questions. And suggestions. Yes alcohol or drugs or anything used to numb us is masking some kind of pain, some kind of inner hurt. Asking for help, wow, how do we help men get THERE?
I’m interested in that book now as well.
Thank you,
Theresa
So what on earth do you do when he runs into his cave and hits the bottle – and I mean bottle – a whole bottle of rum each session – and sometimes more if he has no commitments the next day. I know it is his way of masking out the pain and hopelessness, but it is not the answer. I have (after three years) finally got him to admit it is a problem and go for help to a clinic, but because he was unable to stick to the program they suggested, he feels he has now let… Read more »
Oh Veronica I wish I had an easy answer. What do we do when our loved ones are hurting themselves? Do we stand by and watch? Do we help them by getting into treatment ourselves? (Maybe a good article topic but I don’t have all the answers either.) I love the last line of your comment, it is about love. Whatever his struggles are, he’s lucky to have you. And I’m hoping that you have a place to go to share some of your struggles through this as well. This is the kind of thing that a qualified professional can… Read more »
My personal belief is that one can shape or (direct) boys, but must break and recreate (redirect) men. The power that a parent wields over his/her child is impossible to understate. You lay the foundation for how your child perceives the world. That’s not to say you need to control absolutely everything, but you can nearly always intervene. If a boy is infatuated with ______, but you consider that person to be a less than stellar role model, find a similar figure (with fewer character flaws) and throw him into the mix. Kids are pretty capricious when it comes to… Read more »
D, thank you. For your insight and sharing your experiences. What you wrote would make a terrific follow-up article if you’ve ever considered blogging. And I don’t profess to “have it all figured out.” I’ll just share what came up as I read your reply. My brother works differently than my best male friends, he needs to reach out when he’s struggling. He’ll push me away until he’s ready to talk. Most often the safe space helps when my male friends are really struggling. Although sometimes calling them out on some behaviors or I use humor (lovingly) to help them… Read more »
overall good article, but what’s with the snarky asides about testosterone?
Thank you 8ball for calling me out on what you saw. I meant it to create a more light-hearted conversational discussion about the (potential) effect testosterone can have in a stressed-out situation, especially pointing out the times when the fight response is NOT helpful. Like when it shows up externally (to fight an opponent) or internally (when it can create more stress if we fight ourselves as the opponent). I have several male friends battling depression and I hoped that in pointing out that the “fight” response can feel like beating ourselves up: they might look at their depression with… Read more »
Thanks for this great article Theresa. I do have two questions. One is, say you ask your partner ‘how he is.” And he just kind of mumbles “fine.” or “good” or whatever but you know he isn’t. Do you step back? Do you simply remind him you’re there for him but not pressure him to talk? Also, are there different things we can do for young boys to help them develop expressing and understanding their own feelings better? I know that boys and men can be similar but perhaps there are things that work with young boys that don’t with… Read more »
Say “I’m here if you need me”. He probably wants to go chill out for a while and think about nothing.
The best thing for boys is to avoid the gendered shaming like saying boy’s don’t cry, man up, etc. Tell them it’s ok to feel upset or sad, to let it out and treat emotions like they are ok.
Excellent response Archy! I used to have a guy friend that would sort through his feelings by “cleaning his wok.” I don’t know how that sounds now, but it helped him to go do something and be alone. Maybe think of nothing. Maybe sort through whatever was bugging him.
Thank you for saying “no gender shaming” about boys. Imagine a world where we treated emotions like a normal part of life. There were no “good or bad” ones, just emotions. No shame.
Thank you for comments!
Theresa
Hi Erin, I have been learning about the Non-Violent Communication method by Marshall Rosenberg and it is a great technique for getting people of all ages in touch with themselves, their feelings and their wants and it models how to communicate those things clearly for yourself and others. There are NVC books for parents too I believe.
Thanks Ed! I love non-violent communication and will also look up the method. It’s been ages since I studied “Ahimsa” which was what Gandhi subscribed to, a completely non-violent lifestyle. Getting people in touch with their wants and feelings is fantastic work. Then helping them find a way to communicate that, even better! A great deal of my work helps people in the communication realm, I’ll check out Marshall Rosenberg’s work today.
Thank you!
Theresa
Thanks Erin. GREAT questions! Could be another article, if this helps you. I’m going on experience and training here, and there’s not one solution that fits all. As frustrating as it is, we each get to learn what works in our relationships. Which is also why I appreciate the responses of Archy and Ed. I love non-violent communication. Yes, if you ask your partner “how are you” and you get the “fine” response, then my suggestion is to allow him the space that he needs to sort through whatever is making him feel ‘not fine’. He may not have words… Read more »