Growing up, Tim Pylypiuk had to deal with an ongoing pattern of hurt and abuse by girls and women. But the worst part was, no one believed him.
Living life on the outskirts of a traditional periphery, you notice the brilliant symphony of patterns–streaks and curves painting a vibrant collage of images teeming with life. At least, that’s how routines and personalities of the common man appear to me with my way of processing information.
But there’s the gritty, grimy side of set patterns; mentalities that gnaw away at your resolve, uphold an ostracising status quo. If you’ve been through the brunt of it, the wounds aren’t quick to heal. Worse, you begin to wonder if there is a place out there for your situation.
Looking back on my childhood and teenage years, I was the unfortunate victim of nasty attitudes and abuse from boys and girls, men and women. My life was a living hell, something to survive day-to-day instead of take pleasure in. For nineteen years, there was no escape. I had very little in terms of support to count on, no shelter from the hurt, thanks not only to a harsh outside world but a dysfunctional personal safety net already worn and rotting. This nearly drove me to suicide at one point. I was only fourteen-years-old at the time.
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Luckily, I had come to terms with most of the abuse. The unfortunate side-effect is I have to live with the wounds and any triggers associated to them, learn to deal with the melodrama. But I made a grievous error and only considered what one gender inflicted on me while ignoring damage the other dealt in equal measure.
At thirty-two years old, I had to deal with severe anger and sadness bubbling to the top of the pot when recounting what the girls and women accomplished in cutting me down to size. I learned it was a mistake to file it all away and work through the shallow attitudes of those boys and men with no consideration for how the girls and women contributed to it independently.
These include the following experiences:
At age six, I was diagnosed autistic. In order to be official I had to undergo a series of tests for the mind, hearing and co-ordination at a local general hospital. These came in the form of games tailored to measure and gauge “Normative” criteria. My mother and father would drop me off, leave me in the hands of various counsellors and support workers. Needless to say, it was not a good experience. They screamed at me, put me down for breaking rules, some even grabbing my arms and forcing “normal” motions out of them when I refused to participate in their chosen game or pick something up like a “Normal Boy”. One support worker once burst into the room during a hearing exercise I was doing wrong and became unhinged while I sat and quivered in the chair, shaking; a scared little six year old child. These counsellors and support workers were women.
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In Elementary School, on three occasions, I was attacked by a move of kids outside the rear exit doors. Some were my age, others older. They’d scream and shout into my ear, crowding me in an effort to disorientate my senses. I was lead around in a few directions until groups of hands reached forward and took hold of my pants. I tried to fight them off, but in vain as they yanked my pants down to the ankles then dispersed in gleeful amusement at their handiwork. Girls participated in the deed alongside the boys. I never told anyone about these incidents, not even my mom and dad for it was drilled into them, and me, that my “behaviour” was a problem in need of correction. So who’d believe an autistic “Behaviour Challenged” little boy like me?
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There was a group of girls in elementary school whom took pleasure in teasing me just to get a major reaction. When they succeeded in reducing me to an emotional cripple, they’d sneer and snicker.
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In high school, the young women called me “Weirdo” and “Retard”, mixing amongst the young men’s slurs directed my way in the halls.
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One high school girl, as I was working on a story during spare time in computer class, picked up what had been printed from the printer and read it aloud in a mocking tone. She then ripped it out (properly, though) and wrapped the contents around my body, calling me “Retard” and inducing giggles from others around my station.
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A young man, with his “Clique” of girls and boys, started taunting me while waiting for the school bus to arrive outside after classes were done for the day. Another young woman stood up for me but turned around and criticised me for not using harsh language to repel them. When I told her about my aversion to it, she wouldn’t hear it and joined in the clique and their heckling before leaving me alone at last.
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In high school computer class, we were asked to start a story of our own design then pass it around our station on disk for others to continue. I used a scene from one of my stories I had been working on. When it was returned to me, all my characters were turned into sex-starved, foul-language spewing maniacs engaged in an orgy, including a seven year old girl named Cynthia. So, child rape was ‘amusing’ to them. Again, girls did it with the boys.
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But the biggest experience I recall was having a crush on a girl who sat next to me in computer class. She was struggling with her assignments, getting nowhere. Me being the natural, kind-hearted Samaritan I was decided to assist her. We soon formed a comadre, working together on tasks that stumped us. She was appreciative of the gesture and our relationship soon allowed leeway to whatever was on our minds: life, background, anything went in terms of conversation. It didn’t matter that she had a boyfriend. Friendship was enough for me to accept. Until one day when she tried to force me into a game of “Show me your underwear” she initiated with the others. I refused but she still insisted I do it, goading me on. Again, I refused repeatedly, causing her to lurch forward in an attempt to pull my underwear up herself. I howled in protest, fighting her off. She stopped, sneered, and then laughed with the others.
Days later, after her betrayal, I considered our friendship over. Walking the halls, I was suddenly thrust up against a row of lockers. Standing in front of me was my former crush’s boyfriend, his hand firmly on my shirt. He told me if I ever spoke to her again, he’d kick my ass. My former crush stood beside him, grinning the whole time.
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Just the mere act of typing these horrid events out brings me right back to those times, front row and center. They are as fresh as they were years ago. I now realized how much damage I accumulated in mind and soul thanks to these cruel females. But support was hard to find.
There were no articles or stories on how girls and women could hurt and bully boys and men. Everything was centered on boys bullying boys, girls bullying girls, and boys bullying girls. Never any examination of what girls and women could accomplish in the cruelty department towards the opposite sex.
Save for one online called “Boys Don’t Tell on Sugar-and-Spice-But-Not-So-Nice Girl Bullies”
In it, men in their late ages recount tales of bullying from girls that left an undeniable impression on them. From what the records say, the torment and harassment was no different from whenever a boy or gangs of boys had a similar appetite for exerting their power. While very cathartic reading material, the information is severely dated and stuck in the late 90s to early 21st Century. Already the antiquity tarnished its relevance to my current situation.
When you’re a man like me hurt by girls and women as a child, it’s a lonely road with nary a reassuring passerby in sight. Society just can’t seem to wrap its mind around the notion of a girl or a woman hurting a boy or a man. They jump through all sorts of hoops to justify the girls behaviour — mental illness, influence, they didn’t know any better — while tarring any boy or man inflicting similar harms.
It doesn’t help that the repeated, popular narratives tend to reinforce what happened to me as irrelevant and my pain refutable compared to the majority of victims.
It happened to me with certain Feminists. I was told how my privileged status negated whatever I suffered since I benefited from institutionalised sexism as a pure, white male. They put me out to pasture, minimizing and invalidating the raw trauma and feelings it called up with sentences like “It’s worse for women,” “You’re an anomaly. Boys bully girls and other boys. That’s a fact.” The less polite charged me with “failing to check my privilege.”
The only people who supported me when breaking my story out into the mainstream (on the internet, really) were the followers of Glenn Sacks and an assortment of male victims of female abuse at other sites, particularly Jacob Taylor of Toy Soldiers and some at Feminist Critics. I feared not fitting in because my abuse wasn’t of a similar nature compared to their injuries. They still welcomed me, and I, in turn, found a commonality of being ignored and ostracised due to the gender of the attacker in our dealings with the mainstream.
As for feminists themselves, the good news is there were some I encountered currently who considered my experiences and didn’t treat me like an oppressor. They left all “Privilege” talk in the closet and validated what happened by telling me “Girls and Women can hurt just like any abusive boy or man.” To them, I was a survivor of serious abuse regardless of the perpetrators but felt it a bitter pill to swallow because their views were labelled “Anti-feminist” or “Sympathetic to MRAs” by the rest.
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I’ve waxed enough on this so back to the subject at hand.
There was another consequence of these injuries. To this day, I’m anxious and afraid of assertive women. More of the feared capabilities of assertive women to hurt since I’ve experienced the same hard-lined attitudes flouncing me badly as a helpless young man.
Stories in popular culture of strong female protagonists I’m careful to avoid if they’re developed at the expense of the supporting male characters. The latter are either made to be buffoons, ignorant, stupid, or couldn’t lead their way out of a paper bag. For the ones who are as strong as the female protagonist, they’re quickly rendered weak doormats by her aggressiveness, unable to defend themselves or fight back like I couldn’t.
For example, take Pixar’s new animated movie Brave coming out next year. Same formula: Strong, independent female protagonist, buffoonish and simpleton men where their masculinity is exaggerated for a cheap laugh or they’re the fodder for comic relief as the female protagonist is shown to be competent at everything as the men struggle to lift a weapon. It hurt me so much to see an animation company I believed in for their well-rounded characters of both genders and attention to story sell out with such a trite “grrl power” narrative. As of now, I’m uncertain whether I’ll or not to see the movie as a whole when it reaches theaters.
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Whatever your position is in gender debate and equality, you must understand that stories like mine count. You can’t dismiss them. And I don’t care who has it worse or not, dubious statistics included.
I exist and deserve to be heard and supported in equal measure. Casting it all off because of stereotypical notions about girls and women incapable of harm and how it would take away from all those supports that exist out there for females in need lends credence to the isolation men like me don’t deserve to be put through. Life should be about pleasure, not an endurance test everyday where all that matters is survival of the fittest and a tightening of the bootstraps.
With such ignorance still in existence it feels, to me, like humanity never progressed beyond the high school cafeteria. All around, assorted cliques join together at different tables. You sit alone since no will bother to acknowledge you even when you strain to appeal to their sensibilities or they give you the cold shoulder because you’re “Different”.
Switch them with the popular narratives mentioned earlier about bullying and abuse. They’re all talking about their experiences at different tables as related to the subject at hand. You go around sharing your tale of woe only to receive incredulous looks and sniggers of amusement.
Dejected, you sit back at your table in solitude as others pass you by with turned up noses.
The only solace is your tears streaking down, tumbling in slow motion into the food you’re eating. Tasting it reminds you of your humanity because you can taste your sadness. Bon appetite.
Please don’t paint over me so I blend into the background where no one can see. The vibrancy is as valid as the everyday patterns I absorb with relish in everyday life.
About Tim Pylypiuk
Vocalyze
Eagle, about your haven thought. Were you thinking that there should be a section on GMP specifically for sexual abuse, domestic abuse, bullying etc articles?
Hey I’ll jump in here and say that I am in full support of that type of section on GMP — where stories like that can be told, heard, acknowledged and believed. Thanks in advance for any support you can give it.
That’s what I was thinking Lisa.
But I wanted it mostly for male and female survivors of bullying, abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) and hurt from female perpretrators.
It was inspired by a few female commentators here who came forward with their stories of being bullied not just by boys but by girls as well.
Hi Tim, and thank you for you honest, heartfelt story.
I just began to hear stories of females abusing males, so this issue is quite new to me, but I have no problem in believing you. I know women can be as cruel as men.
In a way, it’s ironic: feminists always told “Women can do anything that men do” and, yes, women can do even very bad things, no doubt about it.
The more I know about men and women, the more I see them as “equal”. Not “the same”, because they are obviously different in many ways, but the “best” and the “worst” can equally happen in both genders.
The quality of a person is all about the individual, not the gender.
Sexism (be it “pro-women” or “pro-men”) is as dumb as racism, or others “-ism”.
Tim, I’m so glad to see your story here! I read that you had submitted it, I had my fingers crossed for you.
In case there are any dismissive feminists present, I’ll put it on record that I was a female bully as a child. I’ll also state that as a girl, I never got the same treatment a male bully would get (and I know because my best friend was a guy and a bully). While there were teachers who wanted to hold me back a grade because I was too aggressive for a little girl (Mrs. Hunts words), I never faced expulsion or anything more serious than a detention at school. At home was another matter. And I know for a fact that one of my victims was left with a permanent scar. I bullied boys, girls, kids four grades ahead of me, it didn’t matter. I think the boys got the worst of it though. I beat them senseless and then they’d be laughed at. To top it off, nothing was done to protect them from me, no adult took the situation seriously, no matter how many bruises I left on them. Girls, well they could complain and I get into some trouble. When I was put in a new school in town, I wasn’t expelled, but the principal requested that my parents put me back in my old school the following year. That was it.
My heart goes out to you Tim.
You had it coming from all sides.
Same gender bullying is bad enough, but back then people scoffed at the notion of girls bullying boys. Because at that time as a guy you were supposed to be tough and shake everything off.
As well as if bullied by boys, you could possibly learn to fight and smash a few heads, which worked for me.
But being taught that boys should not hit girls and having the additional issue of people not giving credence to the possibility.
Plus with you being autistic it would have been better if people in general would have been kinder and more understanding.
And the sad thing is, in some circles similar things happen in adulthood but in less obvious ways.
Wish I would have grown up with you because after whipping the bully in 2nd grade I then defended everyone else who was bullied that I could throughout my school years until graduation. I made it my mission. Because one of the things I abhor most is bullying or anyone mistreating those they perceive as weaker.
Truth is your story is just as valid as a story by anyone else.
Much respect to you for having the strength to share.
NonExist: “As well as if bullied by boys, you could possibly learn to fight and smash a few heads, which worked for me.”
It wouldn’t work for me, Nonexist. Because I wasn’t built with an intimdating or chiseled physique and I don’t go for spending my youth fighting all the time when it would’ve been better to just have a place to feel validated and safe, first and foremost. Sacrificing my childhood to fisticuffs just so that they would leave me alone wouldn’t entice me.
Other than that, thanks for the support.
Oh, hang on. I see. You’re just providing underlying reasonings behind the non-support.
I get it. Sorry about that.
Thanks for the insight.
Sadly I have heard similar stories as I worked 5 years with targets of bullying and their families. We really should stop to think children as stereotypical boys & girls, hurt is hurt and we should listen everyone. If we continue to see boys as bullies and aggressive, we are going to raise a generation of girls, who think that they have a right to be violent. Revenging future boys, because our world hasn’t been fair or equal isn’t the way to make better future. Thank you for telling your story, it makes the problem visible.
Precisely, Katri.
That’s all I want; the problem to be visible. Given equal treatment and examination.
Thank you for having the courage to write your story, and thank you for the beauty of your words. It is truly heartbreaking to absorb the sort of abuse you survived. I am grateful that you have women who believe and support you. I think that the problem of overlooking girl bullies (especially girls who target boys) is abhorrent, and I think that it is detrimental to society, to each generation that must endure the treatment but feel they cannot speak out against it, and because if not addressed, it will never be solved. I have linked several friends to your story, in the furtherance of discussions we have about women perpetrating violence toward men, and also just so that others know your story, even if we don’t know you personally. You have my sympathy, and my empathy, as someone who was abused by both boys and girls, men and women, in my life.
And regarding your comments about avoiding media where women are lifted up at the expense of men, I agree that is a terrible way to develop characters and narrative. I have similar triggers in several films, and people have made light of my aversion to certain types of characters, or common tropes and motifs because of that. I would love to know what sort of stories, books, and films you like (besides the Hunger Games, the first book of which was given to me for Christmas), and what sort of things you find intriguing, uplifting, and entertaining.
Thanks for the comment Thursday.
I was thinking about writing an article about the very thing you mentioned about different forms of stories, books and films I like that are balanced in their portrayals of gender and sex.
That’ll come soon.
Thank you for posting this. It mirrors my story almost exactly.
I think there is a reason why men are twice as likely to actually commit suicide than women. Abuse is abuse, regardless of the gender of the perpetrator.
Yeah, Mike. Stories can interrelate, weaving around each other in a display of unity.
Hi Tim,
It is so nice to meet you! It’s not just girls, it’s who has the dominate traits. My mother (87) and I (late 40′s) have been dominated by the man and my son’s (mostly the brother of my son I was talking about) for the past 20 years. It’s not just women who can be the problem, but socializing and false thinking/judging and other wrongful domination type attitudes that make our world frown deeply. I hope its okay with you I posted, but my prayers are with you and want to know more. My son could use a friend like you to talk to. However, he would get mad if I said all his details without a formal introduction! Email me and may be you two could connect!
My sixteen year old son was diagnosed with Autism too. He has trouble socializing and understanding me (his mother). It is a hard and cruel world. I am much older (late 40′s) and feel I have been pretty much bullied by men, so I fully understand your heart and how you feel. My son doesn’t even want to socialize at church, organizations…and never has friends over because others tend to put him down. He is the smartest one out of all of those bullying bozos! Too bad you don’t live in Texas! He sure could use a best friend about now! He is so smart…all A’s and B’s (Freshman Year) and posts many videos on YouTube, can create wonderful designs in Lightwave, can use FL Studio to create the coolest music, and is excellent in drawing. He is in the High School Wrestling team, yet he gets bullied by the juniors. He was put in the heavy weight section (not fat but very large boned). So, he is dealing with much peer pressure. He feels socially bullied all of the time and don’t know what to do! Do you have a message for my son? I think he is going through the exact same thing you are. He speaks very clearly and well, but sometimes doesn’t have that social edge in speech others have. I am desperately searching for any insights you might like to email me. So, I signed up with my email address. My name is Holly
Wow, Holly. I never expected a response like that. It’s great you told me about your son. Sounds like he’s a genuine, heartfelt soul.
But while I share in your story of being relentlessly bullied and dominated by men, I struggle sometimes hearing this because society refuses to recognize that girls and women can be as mercilessely cruel as boys and men. No offense, but you have a leg up on me in the support department at least because the majority of the narratives out there spotlighted are boys bullying boys, girls bullying girls, and boys bullying girls.
Then again, things vary. As you tell me, it’s about wrongful domination type attitudes. The problem is, people just flat out don’t want to hear that women and girls can possess those traits and are capable of using them against others like boys and men.
I’m learning to try and control this reflex reaction but its tough. I only got wind of how serious the girls and women hurt me at the age of thirty-two. I’ve had little luck with support in my area. The best I can do is keep advocating.
By the way, if I were to say one thing to your son, it would be: Connect with people who are autistic. It’s the only healthy way towards self-development and out of isolation. Thanks for letting him know I exist.
Another thing: Autistic people are people. The only difference is their brain wiring. It’s not a disease or a disability. Working from this framework will instill personal value in your son so he can feel confident in sharing what he has to contribute to the community and society at large.
Okay, if I’m going to be moderated in my own article forum, then this is the last straw!
Guys, please stop this!
Two of my replies to Holly have been put into moderation and deleted. If I can’t even post a reply in my own article forum, then this is tentamount to serious censorship here.
Oh sorry. Just saw the second reply in moderation just now.
Hello,
Just letting everyone know that we’re a couple moderators short this week. If your comment ends up in moderation for an extended period chances are that’s the reason. Please have patience. Thanks.
You have a point there, Holly.
It’s really about negatively dominant ones in the end.
I’m just hoping more begin to recognize that women and girls can be negatively dominant as boys and men can be. Equality and all that.
Thanks for the reply. I wasn’t expecting such an open one like yours.
As for your son, here’s what I would say: Find other autistic people. That’s the only way he’ll feel inclusive and less isolated. Then he can regain his self-esteem and share what he wants to contribute to the community and society at large.
Oh, and good luck.
Ps – My husband has been in trouble twice for assault against me (should have been 27) but it is not just women/girls….it is mostly about the D.I.S.C. relationships.
D- Dominant
I – Influence
S- Steadiness
C- Compliance
Here is a website of those traits/personalities:
http://diamondbluesolutions.com.au/what-does-disc-stand-for/
I think most of all this from what I read on this blog boils down to the wrong combination of people together in an environmental setting.
I just had a look. Interesting reading material, Holly. Thanks.
As for your son, here’s what I can tell him: What helped me was meeting other autistic people that were successful in their lives. If he can find others like him, then it will help offset the feelings of inferiority and isolation that comes with trying to get by. Plus, it will also raise his self-esteem to the point where talents that were dormant before can now erupt for the world to see.
Oh, and good luck as well.
NOTE*….I should add: including my choices and environmental setting. We all have the ability to change what we choose to be around and what we can do! We are all winners. We just have to make the right choices in relationships.
Holly, I must apologise for my multiple responses that have little variation. There was some problem with the moderation and two of those replies ended up stuck and dissappeared. Now they’re back.
Again, it looks like I’m saying the same thing over and over but that was not my intention.
Thanks for your response.