Growing up, Tim Pylypiuk had to deal with an ongoing pattern of hurt and abuse by girls and women. But the worst part was, no one believed him.
Living life on the outskirts of a traditional periphery, you notice the brilliant symphony of patterns–streaks and curves painting a vibrant collage of images teeming with life. At least, that’s how routines and personalities of the common man appear to me with my way of processing information.
But there’s the gritty, grimy side of set patterns; mentalities that gnaw away at your resolve, uphold an ostracising status quo. If you’ve been through the brunt of it, the wounds aren’t quick to heal. Worse, you begin to wonder if there is a place out there for your situation.
Looking back on my childhood and teenage years, I was the unfortunate victim of nasty attitudes and abuse from boys and girls, men and women. My life was a living hell, something to survive day-to-day instead of take pleasure in. For nineteen years, there was no escape. I had very little in terms of support to count on, no shelter from the hurt, thanks not only to a harsh outside world but a dysfunctional personal safety net already worn and rotting. This nearly drove me to suicide at one point. I was only fourteen-years-old at the time.
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Luckily, I had come to terms with most of the abuse. The unfortunate side-effect is I have to live with the wounds and any triggers associated to them, learn to deal with the melodrama. But I made a grievous error and only considered what one gender inflicted on me while ignoring damage the other dealt in equal measure.
At thirty-two years old, I had to deal with severe anger and sadness bubbling to the top of the pot when recounting what the girls and women accomplished in cutting me down to size. I learned it was a mistake to file it all away and work through the shallow attitudes of those boys and men with no consideration for how the girls and women contributed to it independently.
These include the following experiences:
At age six, I was diagnosed autistic. In order to be official I had to undergo a series of tests for the mind, hearing and co-ordination at a local general hospital. These came in the form of games tailored to measure and gauge “Normative” criteria. My mother and father would drop me off, leave me in the hands of various counsellors and support workers. Needless to say, it was not a good experience. They screamed at me, put me down for breaking rules, some even grabbing my arms and forcing “normal” motions out of them when I refused to participate in their chosen game or pick something up like a “Normal Boy”. One support worker once burst into the room during a hearing exercise I was doing wrong and became unhinged while I sat and quivered in the chair, shaking; a scared little six year old child. These counsellors and support workers were women.
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In Elementary School, on three occasions, I was attacked by a move of kids outside the rear exit doors. Some were my age, others older. They’d scream and shout into my ear, crowding me in an effort to disorientate my senses. I was lead around in a few directions until groups of hands reached forward and took hold of my pants. I tried to fight them off, but in vain as they yanked my pants down to the ankles then dispersed in gleeful amusement at their handiwork. Girls participated in the deed alongside the boys. I never told anyone about these incidents, not even my mom and dad for it was drilled into them, and me, that my “behaviour” was a problem in need of correction. So who’d believe an autistic “Behaviour Challenged” little boy like me?
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There was a group of girls in elementary school whom took pleasure in teasing me just to get a major reaction. When they succeeded in reducing me to an emotional cripple, they’d sneer and snicker.
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In high school, the young women called me “Weirdo” and “Retard”, mixing amongst the young men’s slurs directed my way in the halls.
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One high school girl, as I was working on a story during spare time in computer class, picked up what had been printed from the printer and read it aloud in a mocking tone. She then ripped it out (properly, though) and wrapped the contents around my body, calling me “Retard” and inducing giggles from others around my station.
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A young man, with his “Clique” of girls and boys, started taunting me while waiting for the school bus to arrive outside after classes were done for the day. Another young woman stood up for me but turned around and criticised me for not using harsh language to repel them. When I told her about my aversion to it, she wouldn’t hear it and joined in the clique and their heckling before leaving me alone at last.
♦
In high school computer class, we were asked to start a story of our own design then pass it around our station on disk for others to continue. I used a scene from one of my stories I had been working on. When it was returned to me, all my characters were turned into sex-starved, foul-language spewing maniacs engaged in an orgy, including a seven year old girl named Cynthia. So, child rape was ‘amusing’ to them. Again, girls did it with the boys.
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But the biggest experience I recall was having a crush on a girl who sat next to me in computer class. She was struggling with her assignments, getting nowhere. Me being the natural, kind-hearted Samaritan I was decided to assist her. We soon formed a comadre, working together on tasks that stumped us. She was appreciative of the gesture and our relationship soon allowed leeway to whatever was on our minds: life, background, anything went in terms of conversation. It didn’t matter that she had a boyfriend. Friendship was enough for me to accept. Until one day when she tried to force me into a game of “Show me your underwear” she initiated with the others. I refused but she still insisted I do it, goading me on. Again, I refused repeatedly, causing her to lurch forward in an attempt to pull my underwear up herself. I howled in protest, fighting her off. She stopped, sneered, and then laughed with the others.
Days later, after her betrayal, I considered our friendship over. Walking the halls, I was suddenly thrust up against a row of lockers. Standing in front of me was my former crush’s boyfriend, his hand firmly on my shirt. He told me if I ever spoke to her again, he’d kick my ass. My former crush stood beside him, grinning the whole time.
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Just the mere act of typing these horrid events out brings me right back to those times, front row and center. They are as fresh as they were years ago. I now realized how much damage I accumulated in mind and soul thanks to these cruel females. But support was hard to find.
There were no articles or stories on how girls and women could hurt and bully boys and men. Everything was centered on boys bullying boys, girls bullying girls, and boys bullying girls. Never any examination of what girls and women could accomplish in the cruelty department towards the opposite sex.
Save for one online called “Boys Don’t Tell on Sugar-and-Spice-But-Not-So-Nice Girl Bullies”
In it, men in their late ages recount tales of bullying from girls that left an undeniable impression on them. From what the records say, the torment and harassment was no different from whenever a boy or gangs of boys had a similar appetite for exerting their power. While very cathartic reading material, the information is severely dated and stuck in the late 90s to early 21st Century. Already the antiquity tarnished its relevance to my current situation.
When you’re a man like me hurt by girls and women as a child, it’s a lonely road with nary a reassuring passerby in sight. Society just can’t seem to wrap its mind around the notion of a girl or a woman hurting a boy or a man. They jump through all sorts of hoops to justify the girls behaviour — mental illness, influence, they didn’t know any better — while tarring any boy or man inflicting similar harms.
It doesn’t help that the repeated, popular narratives tend to reinforce what happened to me as irrelevant and my pain refutable compared to the majority of victims.
It happened to me with certain Feminists. I was told how my privileged status negated whatever I suffered since I benefited from institutionalised sexism as a pure, white male. They put me out to pasture, minimizing and invalidating the raw trauma and feelings it called up with sentences like “It’s worse for women,” “You’re an anomaly. Boys bully girls and other boys. That’s a fact.” The less polite charged me with “failing to check my privilege.”
The only people who supported me when breaking my story out into the mainstream (on the internet, really) were the followers of Glenn Sacks and an assortment of male victims of female abuse at other sites, particularly Jacob Taylor of Toy Soldiers and some at Feminist Critics. I feared not fitting in because my abuse wasn’t of a similar nature compared to their injuries. They still welcomed me, and I, in turn, found a commonality of being ignored and ostracised due to the gender of the attacker in our dealings with the mainstream.
As for feminists themselves, the good news is there were some I encountered currently who considered my experiences and didn’t treat me like an oppressor. They left all “Privilege” talk in the closet and validated what happened by telling me “Girls and Women can hurt just like any abusive boy or man.” To them, I was a survivor of serious abuse regardless of the perpetrators but felt it a bitter pill to swallow because their views were labelled “Anti-feminist” or “Sympathetic to MRAs” by the rest.
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I’ve waxed enough on this so back to the subject at hand.
There was another consequence of these injuries. To this day, I’m anxious and afraid of assertive women. More of the feared capabilities of assertive women to hurt since I’ve experienced the same hard-lined attitudes flouncing me badly as a helpless young man.
Stories in popular culture of strong female protagonists I’m careful to avoid if they’re developed at the expense of the supporting male characters. The latter are either made to be buffoons, ignorant, stupid, or couldn’t lead their way out of a paper bag. For the ones who are as strong as the female protagonist, they’re quickly rendered weak doormats by her aggressiveness, unable to defend themselves or fight back like I couldn’t.
For example, take Pixar’s new animated movie Brave coming out next year. Same formula: Strong, independent female protagonist, buffoonish and simpleton men where their masculinity is exaggerated for a cheap laugh or they’re the fodder for comic relief as the female protagonist is shown to be competent at everything as the men struggle to lift a weapon. It hurt me so much to see an animation company I believed in for their well-rounded characters of both genders and attention to story sell out with such a trite “grrl power” narrative. As of now, I’m uncertain whether I’ll or not to see the movie as a whole when it reaches theaters.
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Whatever your position is in gender debate and equality, you must understand that stories like mine count. You can’t dismiss them. And I don’t care who has it worse or not, dubious statistics included.
I exist and deserve to be heard and supported in equal measure. Casting it all off because of stereotypical notions about girls and women incapable of harm and how it would take away from all those supports that exist out there for females in need lends credence to the isolation men like me don’t deserve to be put through. Life should be about pleasure, not an endurance test everyday where all that matters is survival of the fittest and a tightening of the bootstraps.
With such ignorance still in existence it feels, to me, like humanity never progressed beyond the high school cafeteria. All around, assorted cliques join together at different tables. You sit alone since no will bother to acknowledge you even when you strain to appeal to their sensibilities or they give you the cold shoulder because you’re “Different”.
Switch them with the popular narratives mentioned earlier about bullying and abuse. They’re all talking about their experiences at different tables as related to the subject at hand. You go around sharing your tale of woe only to receive incredulous looks and sniggers of amusement.
Dejected, you sit back at your table in solitude as others pass you by with turned up noses.
The only solace is your tears streaking down, tumbling in slow motion into the food you’re eating. Tasting it reminds you of your humanity because you can taste your sadness. Bon appetite.
Please don’t paint over me so I blend into the background where no one can see. The vibrancy is as valid as the everyday patterns I absorb with relish in everyday life.
Polite Society’s mothers raise boys to be exploitable and they raise girls to exploit them. This comes in handy during wartime.
My mother is and was always supportive if a bit on the meek and weak side. However, it was some female teahcers and nasty female bullies in high school and university that made me depressed, suicidal and mistrusting of females. Now when I see I female I see a potential abuser and I seem to be unable to let go of that association. I still remember the nasty remarks and the laughter. With guys it was easier to deal with abuse really.
I feel for you, Jake. With me, I still have a complex about stories featuring female protagonists. Because I’m dreading that they’ll make them out to always be right and the male supporting characters wrong, and they’ll get away with verbally/physically abusing them. Doubly cautious on the choice of antagonist because Ninety Percent of the time it’s a male. Haven’t been able to shake it, even thirty-nine years later. It triggers me more when authors have to insert a slight against men as a group and put women above them. My reading material has been reduced as a result and… Read more »
Your story touched my heart – thank you for sharing it.
Don’t be afraid of fighting back! when you fight back they feel pain and pain is one of the driving forces of humans! you like girls who will behave in a way that you enjoy and you will start having a lot of friends! don’t be afraid of fighting! as soon as you find one of them (you have seen movies in jails when a newcomer decides to beat the hell out of the first bully and then he attracts the attention of the whole jail and finds life easier there) that is it. we humans have two brains. one… Read more »
In my country India women are protected by law. Female bullies can’t be talked back. If I do I will be jailed. Even women will support only the female bully. There are no laws against women and children. Two children killed a boy named James Bulger. After ten years thr children were left free. This is reality so there is no way to deal with female or child bullies or murderers.
Dont make that mistake of blaming it on strong assertive women, its the passive aggressive women that are the problem and im sick of what they do getting associated with women like me who just happen to have more of the personality traits associated by culture with masculinity. As a gender non conforming woman i have had to deal with mean girls passive aggression most my life, bullies ares weak, not strong and assertive as if they were strong they would not need to get together in packs to do their work. What i wonder is if men bullied you… Read more »
“Dont make that mistake of blaming it on strong assertive women, its the passive aggressive women that are the problem” I highly disagree with attributing hurt to one type of woman. Strong assertive women aren’t perfect either and if they are the type to brag about stepping over the backs of people to get where they are, to bully mercilessly until they get what they want, they deserve scorn. I pull no punches. You hurt someone like me, I call you out on it. Note, I’m not talking about you specifcally. ” im sick of what they do getting associated… Read more »
Well I have respected all women and what I got back was verbal abuses frim aunts, stepmother, friends and Co workers who all are women. I never knew this was verbal abuse and bullying. Even if they appear assertive or nurturing or opposite there are women in.majority who use sly remarks or bold statements of foul language and verbal abuses. It’s the truth we never like to hear because like you said women are never associated with crime or abuse. Well a woman murdered her own baby daughter and another murdererd her own son, it happened in the great Usa.… Read more »
Can relate to your story, had eye surgery at 6, vision problems undiagnosed until 18 when I found out needed glasses. Was completely shocked when first put them on, growing up always told I was retarded struggling to keep up with everybody else, never realized half blind. NT’s think abuse is occasional aberration to normal life 0 to 20, don’t understand when normal treatment is exception to the rule.
That was a powerful article, glad you wrote that but sorry you had to go through those experiences.
This really gets me. SORRY for what. It’s like pouring salt over the wounds. Sorry? Those bullies or spineless people should be sorry not others. What victims need is support brave support not pity that sprinkles salt on wounds.
Hello Tim, I am so glad you took the time to share your story. We are in the throws of a similar situation with our 15 yr old son. He had his heart broken by his first love this past summer. He struggled terribly to get past the hurt and anger. I went to counseling with him and learned so much about him. He is a deep thinking old soul that cares deeply for people in his life. He was doing well until this young lady decided she wanted to be his friend.(They both go to the same school with… Read more »
Wow. It’s been a while since I’ve actually written here.
Thanks for the praise, J’s Mom. And from what you’ve told me, this is a classic case of “Stalker” behaviour. If this girl refuses to get the message and is continuing to harass your son, I would support getting the authorities involved because no one has the right to be harassed, man or woman, boy or girl. The fact that the school tried to make him out to be the bad guy is sad but not surprising.
I hope things work out as you bring me hope in return.
Oh sorry, I shouldn’t have put Stalker in scare quotes. How rude of me.
I can relate because I and a friend were bullied and beaten up badly by a girl in Jr high. She was a classmate of ours who made our lives a fearful living hell on a weekly basis. People need to be aware that girls can be just as mean and aggressive as other kids. Just because a girl wears pink jeans is into gymnastics and cheerleading or anything else deemed girlie doesn’t make them incapable of doing horrible things. Me and my friend know this in the worst way. This girl would bully me just to show and brag… Read more »
Sorry meant to say “emotional scars”
Thank you for supporting Tim. Yes even I was bullied till now as an adult. No one listens to our sad tales. They label us with different names. But we need to unite and bring out those female bullies. Laws need to be made. We also need support from parents and teachers. Crime is a crime and we must fight it or it might be too late.
Holly, I must apologise for my multiple responses that have little variation. There was some problem with the moderation and two of those replies ended up stuck and dissappeared. Now they’re back.
Again, it looks like I’m saying the same thing over and over but that was not my intention.
Thanks for your response.
NOTE*….I should add: including my choices and environmental setting. We all have the ability to change what we choose to be around and what we can do! We are all winners. We just have to make the right choices in relationships.
Ps – My husband has been in trouble twice for assault against me (should have been 27) but it is not just women/girls….it is mostly about the D.I.S.C. relationships.
D- Dominant
I – Influence
S- Steadiness
C- Compliance
Here is a website of those traits/personalities:
http://diamondbluesolutions.com.au/what-does-disc-stand-for/
I think most of all this from what I read on this blog boils down to the wrong combination of people together in an environmental setting. 🙂
I just had a look. Interesting reading material, Holly. Thanks.
As for your son, here’s what I can tell him: What helped me was meeting other autistic people that were successful in their lives. If he can find others like him, then it will help offset the feelings of inferiority and isolation that comes with trying to get by. Plus, it will also raise his self-esteem to the point where talents that were dormant before can now erupt for the world to see.
Oh, and good luck as well.
Hi Tim, My sixteen year old son was diagnosed with Autism too. He has trouble socializing and understanding me (his mother). It is a hard and cruel world. I am much older (late 40’s) and feel I have been pretty much bullied by men, so I fully understand your heart and how you feel. My son doesn’t even want to socialize at church, organizations…and never has friends over because others tend to put him down. He is the smartest one out of all of those bullying bozos! Too bad you don’t live in Texas! He sure could use a best… Read more »
Wow, Holly. I never expected a response like that. It’s great you told me about your son. Sounds like he’s a genuine, heartfelt soul. But while I share in your story of being relentlessly bullied and dominated by men, I struggle sometimes hearing this because society refuses to recognize that girls and women can be as mercilessely cruel as boys and men. No offense, but you have a leg up on me in the support department at least because the majority of the narratives out there spotlighted are boys bullying boys, girls bullying girls, and boys bullying girls. Then again,… Read more »
Okay, if I’m going to be moderated in my own article forum, then this is the last straw!
Guys, please stop this!
Two of my replies to Holly have been put into moderation and deleted. If I can’t even post a reply in my own article forum, then this is tentamount to serious censorship here.
Oh sorry. Just saw the second reply in moderation just now.
Hello,
Just letting everyone know that we’re a couple moderators short this week. If your comment ends up in moderation for an extended period chances are that’s the reason. Please have patience. Thanks.
You have a point there, Holly.
It’s really about negatively dominant ones in the end.
I’m just hoping more begin to recognize that women and girls can be negatively dominant as boys and men can be. Equality and all that.
Thanks for the reply. I wasn’t expecting such an open one like yours.
As for your son, here’s what I would say: Find other autistic people. That’s the only way he’ll feel inclusive and less isolated. Then he can regain his self-esteem and share what he wants to contribute to the community and society at large.
Oh, and good luck.
Thank you for posting this. It mirrors my story almost exactly.
I think there is a reason why men are twice as likely to actually commit suicide than women. Abuse is abuse, regardless of the gender of the perpetrator.
Yeah, Mike. Stories can interrelate, weaving around each other in a display of unity.
Thank you for having the courage to write your story, and thank you for the beauty of your words. It is truly heartbreaking to absorb the sort of abuse you survived. I am grateful that you have women who believe and support you. I think that the problem of overlooking girl bullies (especially girls who target boys) is abhorrent, and I think that it is detrimental to society, to each generation that must endure the treatment but feel they cannot speak out against it, and because if not addressed, it will never be solved. I have linked several friends to… Read more »
Thanks for the comment Thursday.
I was thinking about writing an article about the very thing you mentioned about different forms of stories, books and films I like that are balanced in their portrayals of gender and sex.
That’ll come soon.
Sadly I have heard similar stories as I worked 5 years with targets of bullying and their families. We really should stop to think children as stereotypical boys & girls, hurt is hurt and we should listen everyone. If we continue to see boys as bullies and aggressive, we are going to raise a generation of girls, who think that they have a right to be violent. Revenging future boys, because our world hasn’t been fair or equal isn’t the way to make better future. Thank you for telling your story, it makes the problem visible.
Precisely, Katri.
That’s all I want; the problem to be visible. Given equal treatment and examination.
NonExist: “As well as if bullied by boys, you could possibly learn to fight and smash a few heads, which worked for me.”
It wouldn’t work for me, Nonexist. Because I wasn’t built with an intimdating or chiseled physique and I don’t go for spending my youth fighting all the time when it would’ve been better to just have a place to feel validated and safe, first and foremost. Sacrificing my childhood to fisticuffs just so that they would leave me alone wouldn’t entice me.
Other than that, thanks for the support.
Oh, hang on. I see. You’re just providing underlying reasonings behind the non-support.
I get it. Sorry about that.
Thanks for the insight.
My heart goes out to you Tim. You had it coming from all sides. Same gender bullying is bad enough, but back then people scoffed at the notion of girls bullying boys. Because at that time as a guy you were supposed to be tough and shake everything off. As well as if bullied by boys, you could possibly learn to fight and smash a few heads, which worked for me. But being taught that boys should not hit girls and having the additional issue of people not giving credence to the possibility. Plus with you being autistic it would… Read more »
Tim, I’m so glad to see your story here! I read that you had submitted it, I had my fingers crossed for you. In case there are any dismissive feminists present, I’ll put it on record that I was a female bully as a child. I’ll also state that as a girl, I never got the same treatment a male bully would get (and I know because my best friend was a guy and a bully). While there were teachers who wanted to hold me back a grade because I was too aggressive for a little girl (Mrs. Hunts words),… Read more »
Hi Tim, and thank you for you honest, heartfelt story. I just began to hear stories of females abusing males, so this issue is quite new to me, but I have no problem in believing you. I know women can be as cruel as men. In a way, it’s ironic: feminists always told “Women can do anything that men do” and, yes, women can do even very bad things, no doubt about it. The more I know about men and women, the more I see them as “equal”. Not “the same”, because they are obviously different in many ways, but… Read more »
Eagle, about your haven thought. Were you thinking that there should be a section on GMP specifically for sexual abuse, domestic abuse, bullying etc articles?
Hey I’ll jump in here and say that I am in full support of that type of section on GMP — where stories like that can be told, heard, acknowledged and believed. Thanks in advance for any support you can give it.
That’s what I was thinking Lisa.
But I wanted it mostly for male and female survivors of bullying, abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) and hurt from female perpretrators.
It was inspired by a few female commentators here who came forward with their stories of being bullied not just by boys but by girls as well.
This is a serious problem more than people know.
Okay. After stepping away and giving myself space to process everything, I’m going to make one final statement of opinion to you, “L”. You believe girls and women harm due to lack of healthy role models in the media and competition for male attention. I agree, that is one valid reason. But it’s not THE reason. You’re a feminist and, likely, you’re examining bullying and abuse from a feminist perspective. Understandable, nothing wrong with that. However, in the case of male victims and survivors, it is not entirely compatable with their trauma. Telling a male survivor or victim of harm… Read more »
Your story moved me, as it did others who have commented, and I commend you for coming forward. I was a girl who bullied boys at primary school. It’s a sadly typical story where I was bullied and then turned around to bully whoever I could find who was smaller, weaker or stranger. It shames me still to remember leading groups of eight-year-old girls in yelling taunts at one boy in particular. I don’t know why there is so little literature on this phenomenon when it would have seemed intuitive to me that girls were as bad as boys, especially… Read more »
Catie, this is really powerful. The truth is that there are lots of girl and boy bullies, and lots of men and women who grow up to regret it and lead normal, empathetic lives where they no longer bully anyone. And of course there are lifelong mean girls and lifelong male bullies…which should be obvious to anyone wondering “Where do kids get it from?” They get it partly from child development, because for a certain percentage of kids it is a developmentally “normal” (but destructive) behavior, and partly from the examples set for them by others, including adults. I so… Read more »
Thanks so much Catie for your honesty and how far you’ve come in your self-development.
We need people like you.
“It’s a sadly typical story where I was bullied and then turned around to bully whoever I could find who was smaller, weaker or stranger.” As the saying gore “the shit rolls downhill.” “It shames me still to remember leading groups of eight-year-old girls in yelling taunts at one boy in particular.” I understand your grief over this, and it was wrong. Find a way to accept this about yourself, take the lesson from it, forgive it and move on – you sound as though you have. What was even more wrong was the failure of adults to supervise you… Read more »
Well said, and good on you!
Lisa
When men here are correcting the feminist writers, they are correcting their misinformation and their miss-characterization of abuse as mainly gendered.
When feminists are hijacking conversations about female on male abuse, they are trying to invalidate and steer the focus away from the truth and back onto their falsehood based narrative on gendered abuse.
There is a very important distinction there.
Thank you very much for sharing, I never had it that bad, but I can definitely agree with you from my own experiences that girls and women are just as capable of violence as men and boys are capable of being caring. I was quite afraid of assertive women for a while too, I think I’m over that though. I think alot of the above opposition comes from the fact that articles like this are very threatening to many people. Female victims are thrown at us so much in our society that even the concept of male victimhood is grotesque… Read more »
Lisa, I’d like to make a request: Based on the response my article is attracting, especially with women who have come forth with their stories on being abused by both genders as well, you think we can turn this into a sort of support haven here for their demographic? I’d be more than happy to ensure the haven is well tended. It’s just that there are very few mainstream places for their views to be lent credence and validated. I think we’ve got something good going here. What do you think? The commentary section of this article as a haven?… Read more »
I’m not sure exactly *how* you see turning it into a haven, but I fully support the idea of continuing to allow people to tell stories, to provide validation those stories exist, and encouraging more people to write about their experiences. Let me know what I can do to help.
What I mean is to direct people who have been hurt by girls and women (in addition to boys and men) over here to tell their stories. Add to the content with the article and give them a chance to be heard in the commentary section. That’s what I mean by haven.
I also want to make another context crystal clear with this article I posted. When it comes to men and boys refusing to speak out against abuse, it’s not all about machismo or pride. There is no pride whatsoever in holding in these feelings, especially for me. It’s all based on fear of ridicule and ostracisation. For too long, I’ve read articles on it and there’s always the reasoning that men are too prideful and don’t want their masculanity questioned should they speak out. When in reality, they’re scared of being laughed at and abandonned by the very people who… Read more »
Eagle – I hear you loud and clear and you are on the front lines with many others! Are you aware that we are now in the middle of Male Abuse Awareness Week December 1-8, 2011 http://help4guys.org/ A New Awareness Campaign is Being Held to Help Abused Boys and Young Men An awareness campaign has been launched by the P. Luna Foundation, called “Male Abuse Awareness Week” every December 1st through the 8th. Scheduled the first week of December, this campaign shines light on the neglected cause of abused males during the holiday season when statistically domestic tensions rise. All… Read more »
Didn’t know that, Mediahound. Thanks for bringing it up.
The more light shone on it, the better men and boys will feel about opening themselves up to others.
“For too long, I’ve read articles on it and there’s always the reasoning that men are too prideful and don’t want their masculanity questioned should they speak out. When in reality, they’re scared of being laughed at and abandonned by the very people who supposedly cared. That’s not machismo or pride, that’s raw fear and it should be approached from that perspective, in my opinion.” Your getting to some of the real truths here. I’ve had Feminists tell me about toxic masculinity and that I need to go to therapy. Well, my own family wouldn’t even care about me, how… Read more »
Or if you do speak up, the implicit cultural expectation that men don’t feel emotions as fully or deeply as women do. The deep cultural expectations that “real” men should be able to just brush off emotional damage and move on. The horrible, soul corroding shameing men and boys receive form women and girls for not living up to the feminine expectations of male emotional “strengh”.
I think happens because people get so wrapped up in thinking “fear of women” is the center of everything that harms men.
Men and boys do not speak out for the same reasons most victims do not speak out. FEAR and Uncertainty. Fear of not being believed, of making it worse, of being ignored and further marginalized. Uncertain that things will ever get better or what the correct course of action to stop it is. When people are abused one reaction is shock and disbelief the abused person does not expect to or even believe it is happening – because it is not supposed to happen and often that feeling of can leave a victim unsure what to do. Progress will only… Read more »
Precisely, sweetsue. That’s exactly it.
It’s no different from when a girl or woman is seriously abused. They don’t speak out due to similar issues.