Jason Epstein discusses dealing with chronic pain. What happens when what ails you is what alienates you?
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“I’m so tired”, I told her, my stoic features softening and a hot tear carving a path down the new, vulnerable landscape of my face. “I just want to rest…and I can’t.”
They say whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. We get hurt—we heal. We get sick—we get better. But what happens when the body doesn’t heal? When wounds stay fresh, maturing inside, echoing your every movement?
What happens when what ails you is what alienates you?
When we are filled with happiness, we cry so we can share it.When we are filled with sadness, we cry so we can rid ourselves of it. When we are filled with never-ending pain—gnawing, nagging, glowing, diffuse, shuddering pain—we are consumed by it. It is murky and deafening and frothing and flowing up to our eyes—and we cannot release it.
It is a pain that blossoms and recedes, grips and releases.
It cannot be quantified, explained or identified.
It does not sleep when you do.
And it defines you.
What happens when you are a strong, confident individual who steadily buckles under the grim heft of an ever-wearing hurt that strips away who you are bit by bit, replacing it with someone you didn’t know lived inside?
What happens when pain becomes what you pour time, income, thoughts and energy into? And when the misery and anguish become etched on your face, begging to tell a story that goes unheard? When your body becomes a vessel for agony, and when every stiffened step taken reminds of how it has failed you—and how you have failed yourself.
What happens when, ‘You’re still not better?’ means, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Or when loved ones gently suggest that, ‘Maybe it’s in your mind.’ That, ‘Maybe you can just get used to it.’ That, ‘Maybe you shouldn’t mention it anymore.’ When it is assumed that this is how you will be from now on. When many just stop asking about it because they already know the answer. Your pain has exhausted them. Inconvenienced them. Irritated them. And yet, you need their support to stay strong and positive. It is a necessary catharsis; without it your mind will also rot from the inside.
What happens when you recognize that there are others who have fared so much worse? The handicapped. The terminally ill. The comatose. The unimaginable weight on their shoulders…. In all your suffering, you don’t have the right to complain. And yet, the pain never ceases. The discomfort never stops for a single second.
What happens when you discover that others in your life have had chronic pain and for unknown reasons you weren’t there for them? You resolve never to let a loved one in need go without knowing that you are there. And you resolve to let those who stand by you know how much you appreciate it.
What happens when no one asks the one question you wish they would: “How can I help?”
No one is helpless. Frustrations can be listened to. Advice can be offered. You can be hands-on in the truest sense. You can ask, “How are you?”, though you already know the answer. Or if it’s their wish, you can treat them no differently whatsoever.
“I’m so tired”, I said. “I know”, she whispered, mirroring my tear. “Let it out.”
And I did.
Leading a relatively normal life without allowing the effects of constant pain, discomfort or illness from bleeding into it isn’t easy—but it is possible. Please share your chronic pain stories below.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Life seems dull and the burden of living along with pain seems eternal. Childhood abuse, bad friendships, abusive relationship with my girlfriend which ended about 10 years ago (“Don’t be a door-mat!!” was her advice before she left), nothing seems to go right in life. Happiness sounds like a myth and reality seems to be an illusion while past is more relative.
I’ve had chronic neck and back pain for years. I’ve had some insights into the nature of pain. Pain exists to notify us that some part of our being needs attention. Pain intends no malevolence, it just IS. A couple of months ago when I was bedridden from pain, I came to understand to not judge the pain, and just accept it for what it is. In that moment, in that stillness of just being, my perception of pain vanished. There is a saying that pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional… Many years ago I also ended up developing… Read more »
Wow! To have found a way to control chronic pain must be bliss. Having suffered from Lupus and Fibromyalgia for more than two decades, I have still not found a way to control the pain. I live with it better now, have found ways to deal with the worst of it, but it still interrupts my life. It leaves me with less, less than I want to do, less that I can do, fewer hours in a day to do what I’d like to do. It’s the constancy, the relentlessness and knowing it’s not going to change that can sometimes… Read more »
Pain into pleasure sounds like a dream come true in a way.
Thank you, Jason.
Thank you for reading, David.
I ubnderstand this, but i tried everthing I could to alleviate the pain from someone in my life. Everything, I tried to help relieve them of stressful activities, i tried to tell them that they should just focus on putting their life back together. But every chance they got, they would do chores and then whine to me as if every time they hurt after exerting themselves was a surprise. I’ve been sore, achy, and tired for years, but to have them tell me that I don’t understand. No, they didn’t understand, they didn’t understand that being sick means that… Read more »
I agree that it is very difficult to care for someone who does not have the ability to be a good decision-maker for themselves.
Living a life that has chronic pain as a standard expected daily part of your existence takes a deep, kind of dark stoicism, without it you end up overburdening those around you…….with it you can find a form of peace with the universe.
Thanks for sharing Trey.