Guys may not talk about being objectified, but that doesn’t mean they enjoy it. And it doesn’t mean it’s OK.
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I don’t think men think about this much. Perhaps it’s because we’re not as threatened by it. If I was to say walk up to a woman and rub her va jay jay without being intimately involved with her in the first place, I’m sure as hell going to get a good old kick in the teeth. Or, she’ll run away. Fight or flight response. That’s the naturality of it. For a woman, it’s quite threatening for a man to do this without permission. And can leave her quite scared.
What happens when women do this to guys? Because they do. And lots of it.
I’m no swimsuit calendar model but I’ve had my fair share of willy-gropes, bum pinches, chest rubs and the sexualizing of almost all of my body parts from women.
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I’m no swimsuit calendar model but I’ve had my fair share of willy-gropes, bum pinches, chest rubs and the sexualizing of almost all of my body parts from women. I’ve had a random woman walk up to me and say, “Wow, your hands are so BIG. Boy, I’d like to do dodgy shit with you”, and a group of girls flat our cheer when I’ve bent over to pick something up. I can’t state how much it happens to men. It’s definitely something that’s not a woman thing only.
And nope, it doesn’t stop there. Yep. I’ve had to learn bitch face. Or at least the guy version of it. Because yep, there are women out there that don’t take no for an answer and spend ages trying to beat my defenses down. I’ve had women literally call me ten times per day and appear on my doorstep to randomly to look for me.
But us guys. We don’t talk about this stuff much. I’ve never ever seen a post about a man complaining about the sexual attention he gets from women, or just any attention. And we jest about it, you see it in the media when you have a super hot woman grope a super hot man, almost like they are already romantically involved. But in reality, it really doesn’t work like that. Usually, it’s some lady that you’ve been trying to avoid all night and one that’s had one too many vodkas. She ends up finding you and then starts groping to try and get our attention. Kudos for trying, but try my ego next time.
And, it was through that altercation and stark realization when I truly understood the objectification of women.
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Look. I’m not saying I’m super innocent. I’ve done my fair share of stalking in the past, and groped probably one too many ladies that didn’t want to be on the same planet as me let alone be near me. But I sort of feel a tad out of place here. When I see posts and videos about men groping women and being sleazy etc, etc, etc I sort of think, well, it isn’t limited to men. I’ve had a woman outright ask me if I wanted to fuck her where she stands, and she was dead serious about it. I was 19 and walking back with my mate from a night out and a girl asked me three times. Not once, not twice, but three times if I’d have sex with her right there on the fence.
And you know, this may sound like one or two experiences but I’ve picked a random one or two out of a BIG fucking bag. There have been women that have hounded me all night, women that have groped, kissed and felt me up without my permission, and women that have just openly asked me for sex. Like, right there, right now.
But I say all this as if it was a bad thing, perhaps it is, perhaps it isn’t. But I actually didn’t fully take stock until I was Married and working at the time. Perhaps it was because I was older and mature, I’m not too sure. But as I was roaming the room trying to promote my product a lady from the crowd grabbed my bum cheeks and wobbled them and laid her head back and went “ooooh, pert”, I didn’t take well to that. Not because I was married, or that I was working at the time but because it made me feel like I had no other redeeming qualities apart from my sexuality. In short, I felt like a large slab of meat.
And, it was through that altercation and stark realization when I truly understood the objectification of women. When I truly understood why women stand up and shout “we are more than the meat you deem us to be”, and it was probably then that I started to delve deeper into knowing females. Understanding their redeeming qualities and treating them more than a mere face and body.
You see their mouth moving but you can’t hear their words because you didn’t take the time to properly get to know them.
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I found that when you objectify women you then become obsessed with a reality that’s not quite on the surface. You become obsessed with looks, body type, body shape, clothes they wear and so much more. I found it’s why the terms, “Mansplaining” came to the surface, because when you see women only as a chunk of flesh you forget about the deeper person. The one inside. The part of them that’s screaming for you to listen to and not overlook. You see their mouth moving but you can’t hear their words because you didn’t take the time to properly get to know them. I feel men objectify women far more than the reverse.
Yup. I understood. I finally did.
And it’s why when you see an absolutely gorgeous person, some people think, well, you can’t have both. Men and women, you can’t have looks and brains. Reality TV tells that with shows like Beauty and The Geek. Which is great for building the characters of some people, but I feel is deeply offensive to others. They just won’t openly say it. Some of the most wildly intelligent people I know are super-duper attractive, and I sit in their shadow in looks, and brains.
My wife for example. Stunningly beautiful, and when it comes to brain power she has me beaten before we even start a contest.
Perhaps all I’m trying to say is that more men should stand up and talk about it, and the activists should change their slogans to “people” instead of specific genders. Perhaps the way forward it to start respecting one another’s person, and bodies. Perhaps maybe it’s time to think and rather than say, “Oh, he/she was just learning their boundaries” perhaps we can educate our sons and daughters in a way that this won’t be an issue in the future?
Who knows, right?
I try to be the voice of change.
Thank you for reading about the objectification of humans. Tell me your thoughts below.
Originally Published on therelationshipblogger.com
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Photo: Getty Images
“But us guys. We don’t talk about this stuff much. I’ve never ever seen a post about a man complaining about the sexual attention he gets from women, or just any attention.”
I was, and still am, a geek.
I can count on one hand the number of occasions throughout my life, where I’ve been objectified to the point of groping/unexpected physical contact. And even most of those was part of some kind of game of “I dare you to kiss the ugly dork over there or you’ll buy the next round of drinks”.
@ trey1963 @ Raymond There is evidence that white female slave owners raped male slaves. This evidence persists despite the fact that during the time, there would be great effort expended to suppress it so it was likely more wide spread. “Sexual Agency, Power, and Consent According to one historian, “few scholars… have viewed the relationships of enslaved men and free white women through the lens of sexual abuse in part because of gendered assumptions about sexual power” (Foster, p. 459). This is in keeping with both the standard feminist conceptualization of rape as a tool of patriarchal oppression3 as… Read more »
I’ve been objectified by women a lot in my youth, but I was pretty buff. A lot of that didn’t really bother me. If they wanted to check me out, that was cool. Heck, O was checking myself out in just about every mirror I passed. The comments were sometimes irritating, but hey, I just shrugged those off and walked away. The groping though is another issue entirely. I’ve couple had the crotch grabbed a couple times, but a lot of arm rubbing. One woman came up behind me while I was seated and just decided to run her hands… Read more »
Lovely to see men actually having this conversation. I was buff too in my youth. I’m married and settled now, though. And yes, the attention has stopped – although I don’t allow myself to be put in those situations anymore.
You’re right there – if we flinched, or moved away from the unwanted attention we were branded as homosexual, or similar.
And we need to remember that it’s not all women that objectify men, just like there are men there who would rather die than objectify women – let’s not get trapped into the stereotype trap 🙂
I had another one of my long winded comments ready to post up on this issue, but I’ve realized that you’ve touched on something that is far more important to discuss then a flagellating statement in the comments section. I’m going to bounce off what you’ve written here and submit it as an essay. It is that important to add to the discussion, but also how it is seen from our perspective (which is different from women), and how it is more a case of double standards then horrifying assault. You’ve done a good job here, Ray. I’m going to… Read more »
Thank DJ – I appreciate your comments. Please, I’d love to hear your thoughts on it! 🙂
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this Raymond. It’s been my experience that most men complain about the lack of attention they get from women. So I will be curious to hear how many men experience what you’ve been experiencing. I know that when women complain about unwanted attention, some men will tell her that she is ‘privileged’ to have the attention at all. But there is a huge difference between positive attention that makes you feel good and negative attention that makes you feel bad. I wonder if the men who read your piece will feel that you are privileged or… Read more »
Oh I’m not privileged. In no matter of the sense lol. I’m just a regular guy that’s been through his fair share of troubles in life. Thanks for pointing out “Bitch face” – I’d like to know a better term for this, because it’s all that I know, and surprisingly I learned it from women. I get that women have been through thousands of years of, and still are going through objectification, perhaps through the media or other outlets. I think the way forward though isn’t minimalizing the issue for men, though. I get it, women have had a tough… Read more »
Oh dear! I’m truly sorry you felt I was taking shots at your masculinity. Could you show me what I said, where I did that? That was seriously never my intention. I would like the chance to learn about what I said that to you, that appeared to be an attack of your masculinity from your viewpoint. I may have misunderstood you but it seemed to me that you believed I said you were privileged and that is not what I said. I said that when I’ve seen these conversations before, where women are trying to address the negative sexual… Read more »
I felt you were taking shots at my masculinity because you pigeon holed it, in it’s entirety from one subject. I also wonder why you criticised my interpretation of attraction, which might I add isn’t the discussion I was having, yet whilst explaining your own version of attraction it was extremely vague. I’ve lived a long time on this earth, met a lot of people, talked to a lot of cultures. Every woman has a specific attraction, it may not be money or looks, but there is something that allows them to sift through the potential suitors. I fear you’re… Read more »
@Erin, “I said that when I’ve seen these conversations before, where women are trying to address the negative sexual attention they have received, there are men out there who tell women they are privileged for receiving even negative sexual attention because these men don’t receive any sexual attention at all” Could it be that you misunderstood their message? They might have wanted to point out that women get more negative attention AND more positive attention. They may wanted to argue that when women tell men that they have privilege for not getting as much negative attention, they are ignoring male… Read more »
“But there is a huge difference between positive attention that makes you feel good and negative attention that makes you feel bad.” Both are vilified as ‘objectification’ though, which is one reason why that concept is utterly and completely flawed. Ultimately, ‘objectification’ originated as nothing more than an attack on male sexuality. It criticizes people for seeing each other as sexual beings and then acting on that, as it doesn’t distinguish between normal human sexuality and transgressive behavior. And as traditional gender roles require(d) that men act overtly to court women, feminism could pretend that only men did this. So… Read more »
The idea that this is a new thing….is a huge part of the problem.
THERE ARE AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN A FAIR PERCENTAGE OF WOMEN THAT ARE SEXUAL PREDATORS.
Failure to acknowledge that due to double standards is a huge issue, it keeps men from being able to get help and support when they need it.
That’s really interesting that you have said that Trey. And it makes sense, actually. By some of the experiences I’ve been through.
Interesting that I have never thought about that idea until you’ve just stated it!
We as a culture seem to experience cogitative dissonance about it. It needs to change, one of the core assumptions passed down into our culture from the Victorian, Women in their natural state are inherently good and moral vs men who’s natural state is immorality.
Yes. Little girls are made of sugar and spice, boys are made with snails and puppy dog tails.
I would also hesitate to move towards a general “don’t objectify people” mentality, as there are still significant distinctions between the objectification men and women. Men typically don’t face the threat of violence escalating from objectification. Pain, certainly, but rarely lasting injury. Damage to our reputation a la accusations of promiscuity are possible but unlikely. Embarrassment and discomfort are far and away the most likely outcomes. Not that it should be ignored, but objectification of men at an individual level is simply less grave. There was a time when I tried to get better at broadcasting non-interest towards unwanted aggression:… Read more »
Ask all the guys that got beat up by the “white knights” a rejected woman sicced upon them. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” is an old but quite true saying.
Very true, actually.
Admittedly I was only considering violence in the moment, and not by proxy. Though that can really go both ways too.
But as for “Hell hath no fury…”, I’ve never really bought into it. A man basking in rage or bloodlust will scorch the earth just as completely.
I have a limp after standing for a while, Came from telling a woman I was with, that after a disagreement I was no longer interested in a roll in the hay. Women do it, culturally we have difficulty hold women accountable to the same standards as men…… For proof look at criminal convictions and sentencing differences.
Oh, I believe you utterly mate. I have an uncle who won full custody of his kids because he happened upon the email chain in which his ex-to-be was musing on strategies for his murder with her lover.
Women absolutely do commit physical violence against men, I’m just saying that they don’t do it as frequently.
Not even sure of that, they just use and have access to more indirect methods of violence.
I don’t believe you are, but I am familiar with the things women are told about their own experiences and I wonder if those same sentiments will carry over to you as a man. Slightly different but whereas the dismissal of women complaining about such attention is that she is privileged to get so much attention the dismissal of men complaining about such attention is this very weird adherence to the idea that its a new thing. Like no man has ever had to put up with unwanted attention from women until about 5 years ago. Kinda like how if… Read more »
I’ve always been on the short fat side, pretty much the opposite of anything considered attractive….and I’ve had that shit happen to often over the years. All the way up to the “surprise” unwanted unconsented BJ ’cause I fixed her pc…..from the wife of a huge friend…..who could pound the shit out of me anyday with both hands tied behind his back…… After my brain unfroze, I talked my way out of that one…..but spent years feeling like shit over it from many angles.
It happens, my friend. The more we speak about it, the easier it becomes. 🙂