Dr. Stephen Petteruti shares how mutual porn watching can support deeper erotic intimacy.
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There’s nothing quite as fun and wholesome as a night at home watching movies. Get that fire going, pop-up some popcorn, then plug-in your favorite pornographic movie. See how long you can watch until passion overwhelms you and the movie becomes simple background noise to the real thing.
Pornography can be part of the tapestry of a couple’s healthy sexual life. Through the use of pornography we can safely explore our sexual interests, our turn-ons and our turn-offs. We can stretch the boundaries of our sexual relationship learning new ways to keep things alive and fresh. But what happens if your interest in pornography starts to displace your interest in your partner? How does this occur, and what could be done about it? There is a continuum of self-stimulation and the use of erotic literature and videos. At one end, its occasional use can be supportive to healthy relationship balance, at the other end it becomes destructive.
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First I’d like to highlight some positive uses of self-stimulation and pornography. If for whatever reason your partner is unavailable, perhaps he’s physically incapacitated, perhaps she is away on a military deployment; in circumstances like this physical needs can be safely met without causing harm to the relationship through the use of fantasy and self-stimulation. While a broad range of fantasy can enhance arousal, it is my recommendation that in these circumstances you frequently insert your partner into the imaginary play. This will help to reinforce your partner’s presence as a co-factor in your own stimulation.
While this approach represents a healthy balance, in other cases, things can go off the rails a bit. Many people find that masturbation affords them a more intense orgasm. This is a known fact. While masturbating, you don’t have to be distracted by concerns about your partner, about how you look, about the intensity of physical stimulation. You are in control of all the variables.
This control can lead to a fairly intense orgasm; oftentimes intensity of that orgasm will exceed the intensity of an orgasm that occurs with your partner. Such an outcome is not an indictment of the relationship. Therefore you should not interpret orgasmic intensity as a barometer of relationship viability.
If you find masturbation to be more intense than sex with your partner, this is most likely normal. However if you afford yourself frequent exposure to pornography and masturbation, the intensity of the experience can grow and impose on the health of your relationship. Seeking time away from your partner so you can masturbate or watch pornography is a sign of developing trouble in your sexual life. If left unchecked, this pattern can lead to a preference for masturbation over couple’s intimacy. At its most extreme, sexual arousal or orgasm in the presence of your partner becomes difficult if not impossible.
If you find yourself currently at this extreme, it would be wise to seek some professional counseling. Admitting to your partner that you are no longer sexually aroused by her can be devastating and do irreparable harm to the relationship if not handled delicately.
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The underlying motive for isolating sexual behavior can be summed up as a lack of trust.
You may find it hard to believe that anybody could embrace you and all of your sexual weirdness if they knew everything that you were thinking and doing. The only way out of this box is to take the risk of being open. You are likely to find that by disclosing your dark sexual secrets, it actually builds and enhances relationship eroticism.
Invite your partner into your erotic world. Yes, this can be a leap of faith requiring great trust. But isn’t it better then hiding who and what you are?
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The best way to disclose sensitive and intimate details of your person hood is incrementally over time. In the proper setting share with your partner something relatively innocuous, but new to him. Perhaps you could phrase it in this manner, “Sometimes when you’re not around I get aroused thinking about ….” This can open the topic up and allow for further disclosure. If you’re met with acceptance, that’s a green light to proceed. If your partner recoils in horror or disgust you may need couples counseling to move forward, otherwise you’ll retreat into private eroticism and your relationship will erode.
In the course of this gradual disclosure, you should consciously limit your private exposure to pornography and limit your use of masturbation while you continue to nurture sexual exploration within your relationship. Invite your partner into your erotic world. Yes, this can be a leap of faith requiring great trust, but isn’t it better then hiding who and what you are?
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If you’re loved and valued, this process will be embraced.
One game to help facilitate this type of opening up is for both of you to take index cards and write out sexual fantasies. When you’re done, swap the cards and read them. You can then reflect upon the degree of interest you have in each others fantasies. The end objective is to have your partner become a joyful participant in the full range of your sexual interests. This can even include the honest disclosure that it is difficult to achieve orgasm in the context of traditional intercourse.
I have known many couples who use masturbation in order to achieve climax after having very satisfying sexual contact together. Achieving orgasm through penetration, despite Hollywood’s depictions, is not the only way to enjoy sexuality as a couple. Encouraging the act of mutual masturbation, or even enjoying the pleasure of watching your partner masturbate to climax both require enormous degrees of trust and confidence and are signs of a well-grounded relationship.
Physical intimacy is part of the glue that holds relationships together. Building trust requires fearless honesty and a willingness to open yourself up to possible rejection and pain, but the odds are stacked in your favor for a blissful outcome if you take that risk.
To your best health,
Dr. Stephen Petteruti
Women enjoy porn just as much, and yes there is “good” porn out there girls! And if you can’t find what you’re looking for, why not make your own films using yourself and your partner as the “actors”? So much fun! We as women need to be more active and present in the porn scene, that’s the only way the traditional image of mysoginist porn will change: by women taking over. And there is a growing number of feminist directors making great porn films that are extremely sexy and graphic, without the usual bullshit. I would really recomend Lust Cinema… Read more »
One more comment. Dr. Stephen, why don’t you advocate for couples to enjoy romance novels together too? Why do you primarily focus on pornography? Do you think that a man and woman can become closer by them sharing a romance novel together? How many men would be actually willing to do something like that instead of looking at porn?
Erin. We watch romantic movies all the time with each other.
That’s not exactly what I asked though is it? And what of romance novels? Whenever this discussion crops up Anonguy, men compare porn for men to romance novels for women. Very rarely is the general romantic movie seen as comparable to what porn is for men. Do romantic movies get you in the mood to have sex? Do you and your partner ask each other to do things you’ve seen in romantic movies? In most cases, women are constantly told “Watch it with him!”, “Do this for him!”, “Help him!” , “Be his fantasy even though you know you don’t… Read more »
Dr. Stephen, you failed to consider one significant factor into your advice. The fact that the majority of pornography exists to primarily titillate and pleasure men first and most. Women are nothing but tools for men to get off to in porn. While there are women that also enjoy porn, it has never been made for women unless it’s been a rare subset of porn that usually most heterosexual men are not looking at anyway. Did you know that a category of porn exists called “female friendly”? Please tell me why if sex is often about men and women enjoying… Read more »
First of all, kudos for writing an article about porn and not dodging the subject of masturbation. Not only not dodging it but even embracing it as a valid expression of sexuality and not simply a threat to a relationship. I’m glad to see someone point out that getting a more intense orgasm from masturbation than partner sex does not mean that the relationship is in danger. On the skeptical side, though — watching porn together sounds like a high wire act without a net. It’s not good to spring this on your partner without laying out some ground rules… Read more »
Great article! Thanks for promoting sexual freedom! The only problem is that some women are still staunchly against the idea of porn. I think the proper foundation has to be laid in the start of the relationship that sexual fantasies through pornography should not be demonized. As for the argument that pornography objectifies women and demeans them, there is a branch of feminism that find sexual freedom to be empowering for women. The reality is that pornoography makes women feel insecure about themselves because they don’t like to think their men are aroused by these perfect plastic bodies. That’s the… Read more »
I agree with you on this completely. what I want to add is that for me as a woman, watching porn has been more damaging than anything because of the image that the typical female porn star looks like and acts like before, during and after sex. it’s not at all reality and it makes me very insecure sexually around my husband. I Don’t at all have a problem with my husband watching it and I enjoy it, if i can find something real, but I feel like for the most part, it hasn’t strengthened our relationship. I wish I… Read more »
At the risk of sounding like a broken record: I wonder how much of the issue with porn is actually about porn and how much it’s actually about men masturbating. I’m not sure what the difference really is in using porn or not, if he has the same images in his mind either way. I guess many people who have a problem with their partners watching porn have a problem with seeing the images of what he’s masturbating with. They don’t want to see what goes on in his head. They would rather he keep those parts of his sexuality… Read more »
…was this a sorta pro porn argument on the GMP?
This can’t end well.