Great efforts have been made to make men aware of women’s boundaries and how they can be crossed. But can the tables be reversed between men and women in some instances? Jonathan Delavan shares his recent personal experience when it seemed the tables were turned on him.
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The agency I work for had their Christmas party the first Saturday of December this year. We had dinner at an Italian restaurant near downtown Houston, and it was a nice little party for our small agency. Afterwards, some of my colleagues wanted to go to a nearby bar since alcohol wasn’t served earlier. They invited me to come along and I gladly accepted.
We didn’t like the first bar we went to; so my coworkers and I went bar hopping for a while till we found one we did like. We settled in one of the lounge areas of the last bar and continued our night-long conversations. I myself sat in an elongated comfy chair, sitting on the end of it like an ottoman to better hear and converse with our group.
About an hour or so into this stay, I felt something weighing down the rest of the chair’s cushion behind me. I turned around and found a woman sitting sideways with her legs over one of the armrests, reeling from an apparent backwards fall onto the empty half of my long chair.
…and that’s when she suddenly kissed me on my left check—more accurately, she kissed the part of my check immediately left of my mouth…
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“Hi, I’m drunk.” she tells me gleefully. “I can see that.” I replied contently.
I turned back around towards my group assuming she would get up with the help of her equally drunk male companion (wasn’t sure what their relationship together was) who was standing over her behind the chair. Instead of getting back on her feet, she just sat up in the chair. I turned around again to see why she was lingering behind me, and that’s when she suddenly kissed me on my left check—more accurately, she kissed the part of my check immediately left of my mouth, adjacent to the corner of my lips.
I was pleasantly surprised by the sudden kissed, but wrote it off as a “moment of lowered inhibitions” on her part. Shortly afterwards, her male companion helped her back up and offered me a drunken, sloppy kiss of his own, which I glibly declined. When they disappeared into the bar crowd behind me, I thought that was the end of it.
However, not even a full minute later, I suddenly felt a pair of hands grab the sides of my head. I was yanked back till my face was parallel with the ceiling. Then I saw the face of the same drunk woman from before above me with her long, tangled brown hair enveloping my vision like hairy jellyfish tentacles. And next thing I know, she’s kissing me fully on the lips and used the tip of her tongue as well.
…I was being given congratulatory hi-fives by everyone around me, telling me “you da man!”
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Immediately, all my coworkers and everyone around us who saw what just happened exploded with cheer. The drunk woman and her companion stumbled out of the bar as I was being given congratulatory hi-fives by everyone around me, telling me “you da man!” and likewise praise. I, on the other hand, was just trying to get my bearings straight after what just happened with the drunk woman and the surrounding bar crowd.
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Sounds like I had a good night out that Saturday, right? I would have heartily agreed with you while I was still at the bar, but my tune quickly changed after my colleagues and I called it a night and went our separate ways.
It was about a twenty-five minute drive back home for me from the bar. But within minutes into my drive back, I noticed a mini panic attack rising up within me. My body and my emotions were reacting with an extreme “fight, flight, or freeze” response to the kiss I experienced earlier—with a particular emphasis on the “flight or freeze” part. It took immense focus and mindfulness to stay concentrated on driving while processing these intense emotions and their physiological manifestations.
…re-experience the same mixture of fear, delight, panic, and confusion as I did on the drive back home…
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Amongst this internal turmoil, I struggled with contradictory emotions. For example, I found myself liking the kiss and the subsequent praise, yet I was also terrified of the exact same kiss and praise. Then I thought about how this was a kind of realization of Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” as it applied to my unique perspective, but for some reason that made my panic even worse in that moment. Then there’s the element of feeling flattered that a complete stranger would want to kiss me (even if she was drunk), but also feeling a little violated that she kissed me so suddenly without telling or asking me beforehand. Talk about sheer confusion!
Upon making it home, I was able to calm myself down from my surging panic attack. But in the following days afterwards, whenever my thoughts drifted back to that night and that kiss, I would re-experience the same mixture of fear, delight, panic, and confusion as I did on the drive back home—though not to the same intensity.
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Did I overreact? Did I freak-out over nothing? Should I have just been happy or even grateful for being kissed randomly by a woman and not make such a big deal of it? My answer is no.
No, I did not simply overreact—even if it was an abnormal reaction to a kiss. No, that incident was not “nothing” to me. No, I cannot “just” be happy or grateful for her “generosity”. I cannot because what my emotions that night were telling me was that my boundaries were suddenly crossed by a stranger and that was not okay.
But that’s part of the problem: her assumption that I, as a man, would without a doubt want something like a kiss from her without any inquiry for or expression of consent from my end.
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In light of my history and my past experiences, that is my perspective, my truth—regardless of what society or the “man-box” demands from me.
What boundaries were crossed by her sudden kiss?
- For starters, there’s the physical boundary when she grabbed my head from behind and yanked me backwards without provocation and then tried to French kiss me.
- There’s the emotional boundary that involves the kiss itself because, for me personally, a kiss on the lips is immensely intimate; so for a stranger to kiss me like that without my consent feels like I’m being used for her gain—not for our pleasure or to express our intimacy.
- If I was in a committed relationship with another woman, I would consider that random kiss to be crossing a social boundary wherein I was kissed with blatant disregard for my possible girlfriend or wife (who I don’t think would be happy about another woman kissing me like that, even if it was random).
- Then there’s the psychological boundary with the fact that any kiss—even ones I would consent in—can easily trigger messages of spiritual abuse I grew up with about women and intimacy. (Worn-out phrases like “save room for Jesus” were anything but a joke for a number of my teachers and peers growing up.)
- I would even consider a sexual boundary being crossed by this incident. I say this because if our roles were reversed—if I came up behind her, yanked her head backwards, and tried to French kiss her while drunk at the bar—that could easily become grounds for sexual assault. But because she did that to me, I get hi-fived and told “you da man!” as if I should want her to do that to me, as if my consent was implicit and “assumed” by everyone else for me.
Granted, I don’t know her perspective or her reasons for kissing me like she did that night—and I will never know. Perhaps she thought she was doing me a favor, a kindness from her that any man would gladly welcome when given. But that’s part of the problem: her assumption that I, as a man, would without a doubt want something like a kiss from her without any inquiry for or expression of consent from my end.
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Great efforts have been made to make men aware of women’s boundaries and how they can be crossed. But can the tables be reversed between men and women in some instances? Can women, even ignorantly or unintentionally, cross men’s boundaries, including sexual boundaries, similarly to the ways men have crossed women’s boundaries? I hope sharing my personal experience of being on the receiving end of a minor boundary violation can shed some light on this confusing and awkward issue between men and women in general.
As for me, I am coming to peace with what happened that night with each passing day. I have those who I dearly trust to help me through this aftermath process. I am confident that in time I will be able to look back on this event without triggering a degree of panic, fear, or even anger—and hopefully gain some humor about it as well!
In the meantime, if we, men and women, are all serious about respecting each others boundaries, then let’s not look away from socially constructed double standards that can work against men. Let’s muster the courage and open-minds necessary to talk about and listen to instances when a man’s boundaries have been, either intentionally or unintentionally, crossed by another.
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Photo Credit: angela c./flickr
Once, I was in a bar and this woman and I were checking each other out. I invited her over to my table, ordered another round, and before long we were frenching up a frenzy.
Then, without asking my permission, she non-consensually vomits right into my open mouth.
Truly the worst boundary violation EVER – and literally the most DISTASTEFUL thing that has ever happened to me.
The problem is that many people see groping by women against men, and other sexual assaults (because that is that they are) are “just a bit of fun”. I’ve been groped by women on two occasions, the first when I was just 13 years old. Before anybody pounces on me, remember that at 13 I was still a child. I was in a video game arcade at a holiday camp here in England when two girls who were about 18 or 19, walked behind me and simultaneously pinched by bottom. In the second instance, I was about 19 or 20… Read more »
Frank, Thank you for sharing your experiences here!! I know how brave it can be to share these vulnerable stories with others. It is hard to speak your truth when others are quick to dismiss or demean it simply because your experience doesn’t conform to “social norms” expected of men and women. But change can never happen if we, men and women, remain silent about such assaults and their consequences in us. Yes, society truly needs to stop seeing these incidents—regardless of who’s involved—as harmless fun. I hope this article can help give added perspective to this difficult discussion; and… Read more »
It’s interesting you mention the “just a bit of fun” defense, because I swear it’s the exact reply I’ve heard guys use to dismiss when they grope/harass others: “Oh come on, we’re just having a bit of fun.” or “Jees, we’re just joking around, we didn’t mean any harm by it. Where’s your sense of humor?”
Kilo-charlie-kilo, You make a great point. You’re insight that men often make the same excuse for groping or harassing others reminds me that as much as we try to pigeon-hole these incidents into specific gender conflicts, ultimately, the behavior and rationale of different perpetrators are more alike than we may care to realize. Thus adding a deeper level to this conversation that a universal aspect underlies these gender-based boundary crossings and assaults. That the dynamic between perpetrators and those on the receiving end, regardless of the gender of either, are manifestations of the manipulations some resort to in order to… Read more »
And likewise, until we cure cancer we won’t worry about arthritis. Unless of course the person with arthritis also has cancer. Got it.
You can whine about your ‘sexual’ boundries being crossed but until your sitting in a bar full of the opposite sex and are terrified because you don’t know which one might rape you.. you have nothing to be upset over.
If you’re actually serious about what you’re saying here, you should maybe consider seeing a therapist. That level of paranoia is not healthy.
Considering that I have been sexually assaulted once in a bar and once in a club, would that be NOW?
Crysm – Why do you think you get to dictate what should be upsetting to another person? And why do you believe it’s okay to put someone else’s feelings and experiences down by belittling it to “whining”? I’ve had guys grab my body in public places, acting like they were the ones that had the right to it, but I’ve never been raped. So do I not have the right to be upset that a strange guy grabbed my body just because I have not gone through the awful situation of being raped? Would I not have the right to… Read more »
Erin, I think Zemus was responding to Crysm’s post, not the author’s.
Of course women can cross men’s boundaries, including sexual boundaries. The more men speak up about it, the more women are willing to be open to listen, the more aware we will all be to what it means to cross someone else’s boundaries. Of course, most of it seems like common sense. But the fact that everyone ‘ cheered’ when she basically forced herself on you indicates there is a problem. I do think that respecting other people’s boundaries is one of the greatest social challenges of our time for men and for women. In the digital/information age, those barriers… Read more »
Erin, I heartily agree with you. Boundaries in public venues seem like they should be common sense, but that’s not always the case; and the digital culture has contributed to the blurred confusion of boundaries in general for our generation. Thus, open and honest dialogue between men and women about personal boundaries are increasingly necessary, and I hope sharing my latest experience can positively contribute to this dialogue. But we must also be careful of defensive reactions distracting from the aim of such dialogue about boundaries. While a natural reaction towards uncomfortable subjects, defenseism is rarely constructive for everyone—it tends… Read more »
To clarify my first comment, I get that so much of our 20th century experience was presented from men’s perspectives, but of late and especially in relatively progressive contexts, men’s emotional experiences are often deemed ore relevant when they can be related to women’s experiences. I’m great with that when the goal Is share some universal aspect, and that may have been the author’s point here, but often times the point seems to be to validate the man’s emotional experience by relating it to a woman’s, which seems to imply that men’s emotions aren’t valid on their own.
wibbs, Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I understand your stance about the “role reversal” paradigm in validating men’s emotions, and even agree with it. I struggled about whether or not to include that logic in my story. But I kept it in because I think some people can still benefit from it in the sense of “live a day in the other person’s shoes,” as well as shining a light on a double-standard people in general try to avoid or dismiss. But you’re right as well: men’s emotions should be valid on their own merit without needing to be… Read more »
Her behavior was grossly out of line. I’m not sure the “if roles were reversed” standard is necessary or really helpful, though. I doubt that it was your intent at all, but some people use the gender flip thing kind of vindictively, like “well if men can’t do X or Y, women can’t either”. As if they’re taking their metaphorical ball and going home because the “game” is ruined now. In addition, this is wrong in it’s own right, and not simply as it relates to how a woman might perceive it. You decide for you.
this brings back a memory that I’ve long forgotten. At least 38 years ago, long before we had kids. It was a Christmas party at company I worked part time doing graphic art. We were all giving each other friendly hugs and friendly holiday kisses when out of the blue the office manager turned to kiss me where she forced her tongue into my mouth. She was an attractive women but I was repulsed that she did that, especially knowing I was married. I didn’t feel flattered in any way but back in those days, guys didn’t see it as… Read more »
Tom Brechlin,
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences here!! I understand how much courage it can take to share something that vulnerable about your experiences. I am honored that you took the time to share them in light of my story. Thank you. I hope you are taking care of yourself (as it sounds like you have) and living your life courageously.
I would agree that you experienced a series of boundary violations that night – the same kinds of boundary violations that many boys and men experience throughout their lives but end up holding mixed feelings and lots of confusion about. Much of this has to do with our society’s preoccupation with “macho male” sexuality messages which project the universal anthem that ALL men want sex in any form they can get it, on a 24/7 basis. While you and I both know that is factually incorrect, most people aren’t very thoughtful about the topic of male sexuality or male physical… Read more »
Janiece Staton,
Thank you for your words of encouragement and empathy. I know I am not alone in regards to boundary violations, but it’s always good to hear that you’re not alone in your struggle. Feel free to pass my story along to others, men and women, who could benefit from it and my perspective in it. Take care yourself!