“Sincere compliments cost nothing and can accomplish so much. In ANY relationship, they are the applause that refreshes.”
―Steve Goodier
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Why is it so hard to accept a compliment?
I’m frequently fascinated with the differences between the ways in which men and women handle giving and receiving praise and compliments. My observation has been that women, when acknowledged for what they are wearing or for how their hair is styled, will either deflect with comments such as “Oh, I got this on sale at ‘xyz’ store,” or “Are you sure I don’t look fat in this?” At the very least, there is usually some kind of back story that explains how she found it or the reason she bought it. Tell a man that what he is wearing is attractive in some way and he will generally say thank you and then move on to the next topic of conversation. It would seem to be a non-issue. And then I delved further into the topic and was surprised by what I discovered.
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In an article in The Atlantic, called Why Men Can’t Take Compliments, the author Casey Quinlan tells a story about a man she was seeing who questioned why she didn’t compliment him as he did her. It set her to wondering about the gender disparity in terms of that dynamic. It seems that many men are just not at ease in the recipient’s role.
If a man compliments another of his gender on what he is wearing (unless it’s something along the line of “Cool Zeppelin shirt, dude.”), it might be perceived as threatening if he is feeling hit on by said bro.
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The story goes on to posit the reasons:
In the book The Psychology of Love, Michele Antoinette Paludi points out that stepping outside of gender roles can reduce attraction between partners.
“Current research indicates that gender-atypical qualities are often turn-offs in intimate relationships … Women also experienced social costs for atypical gender behavior … both men who were passive and women who were assertive were evaluated as significantly less socially attractive by men than women who did not engage in self-promoting behaviors.”
Being the arbiter of someone’s attractiveness can be interpreted as an expression of masculinity that women are not traditionally expected to adopt. Further, it is possible that a good portion of men don’t want to be essentially “treated like women,” as their masculinity is dependent on being above the judgments women are often subjected to.”
Based on cultural indoctrination, men are taught to feel more at ease being noticed for what they do and not how they present themselves, while women are immersed in an environment that reinforces qualities that attract attention for dress and grooming, but paradoxically, we fight against our nature/nurture by deflecting that which we might crave.
When a woman compliments a heterosexual man, it can be viewed as flirtatious behavior and his reaction could range from one of delight (if indeed he desires this type of attention from that particular woman) to embarrassment if not. If a man compliments another of his gender on what he is wearing (unless it’s something along the line of “Cool Zeppelin shirt, dude.”), it might be perceived as threatening if he is feeling hit on by said bro.
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What it comes down to are the reasons why most of us (men and women) really need a primer on giving and receiving. We are taught not to be ‘too full of ourselves’, and to heed the scriptural guidance “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” My take is that it is easier to give than to receive since when you are the giver, you are in charge. You decide what, to whom, how much and how long you give.” When you are the recipient, willing or not, you are vulnerable. Those who are more at ease on the offering end of the spectrum; and I place myself in that group, can be pretty arrogant. Hard to imagine such self sacrificing souls in that light. Think of it this way; it is like saying “You need me, but I don’t need you.” What does it feel like to give? Pretty soul satisfying. Wouldn’t you want someone else to feel that gratification?
Consider the wise words of Amanda Owen, author of Born To Receive and although her audience is primarily female, men can benefit as well.
“1. Accept all compliments.
Aren’t you fortunate that people will do something for you or say something nice to you? Be excited by it! Celebrate it! Your willingness to accept as simple as a compliment is significant. It broadcasts loud and clear that you are ready to receive.
If you push away what people try to give to you, you send a strong message that you do not want to be given to. And, over time, people cooperate by being less giving.
Here are three ways to show the world that you’re ready to receive:
- Be open to what people offer you, including compliments, offers of assistance, and gifts.
- Accept them graciously and with gratitude.
- Once you welcome and appreciate the “little” things, you’ll easily graduate to the “bigger” ones.
2. Be spiritually naked.
To be spiritually naked is to be self-revealing. It means that you don’t just trot out the “good,” healed and healthy parts of your personality when you’re with people. It means that you express your vulnerable, clueless, and lonely parts, too. You include them in your conversations with others and acknowledge them to yourself.
It is a sign of strength to be authentic. It takes courage to embrace and receive all parts of yourself and to share them with others. The good news is that once you are comfortable with being genuine, you seek out others who are as well. It is relaxing to be in the presence of an imperfect human being.
Here are three ways to invite people to get to know you:
- Be self-revealing. Don’t showcase only the healed or “together” parts of your personality.
- Look for opportunities to let people know what is going on with you.
- Be authentic, be transparent, be real.
3. Count your blessings.
To be grateful is to be receptive to people’s generosity and to life’s abundance. When you acknowledge and appreciate the kindness that people extend to you, these experiences fill you up and become a power in your life. It’s like you’ve plugged into your life instead of barreling through it.
Everywhere you go there are people who make your days easier and more enjoyable. Write about it in a journal, tell people you appreciate them, spend time thinking about how lucky you are.
Here are three ways to activate an attitude of gratitude:
- Every day, look for reasons to be grateful.
- Be genuinely appreciative.
- Say “thank you” in person, in a thank you card, note, letter, email, or text.
Make a commitment today to adopt the ABCs of Receiving. Let people celebrate you, get to know you, and look for opportunities to thank them. Not only will you feel healthier in mind, body, and spirit, you will bring more balance into your life, create greater reciprocity in your relationships, and give yourself the energy you need to achieve your goals and fulfill your dreams.”
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BettyConfidential (a.k.a. Carrie Seim) who is an author for Divine Caroline, highlights Five Compliments Men Crave. They range from his laugh and smile to (naturally) his ‘plumbing’.
Most of us wear our Teflon shields when it comes to receiving compliments when we would benefit from being what I refer to as ‘love sponges’.
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In a recent Redbook article called The 18 Sweet Nothings He Needs To Hear, Brie Schwartz suggests these love lavishing messages: “You look buff,” ” I respect you,” “I trust you,” “Your friends are fun,” and “I’m proud of you.”
I offer the seemingly non sequitur images of a Teflon frying pan and a sponge to illustrate the point. What is the purpose of Teflon coating on frying pan? Your answer would be “to make it non stick, so that whatever was being cooked on it would slide right off.” And a sponge? It is used to soak stuff up. And when it is filled up, it needs to be wrung out to continue its job. Most of us wear our Teflon shields when it comes to receiving compliments when we would benefit from being what I refer to as ‘love sponges’. In that way, we can wring the love that we soak up onto those in our lives.
Photo Credit: Ed Yourdon via photopin cc
“both men who were passive and women who were assertive were evaluated as significantly less socially attractive by men than women who did not engage in self-promoting behaviors.”
That makes sense as men seem to be the more conforming of the genders, that they would be the ones to be more sensitive to changes to the conformity. Their identities seem to hinge on gender more than women’s do.