Steven Shewach thinks it’s time we stop focusing on archaic messages of gender stereotypes and start focusing on personal accountability and responsibility.
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Recently I had a massive insight. Which has also turned into something I’ve longed for all of my adult life — finding and knowing my Purpose. For the first time (but not necessarily the last) I can state with certainly and clarity my life’s purpose:
To assist men out of self-induced suffering and subsequent relationship problems caused by distorted masculine ideals and into self-created lives full of flourishing and nourishing relationships. Or, more succinctly, to Love More and Hurt Less.
The insight, which has given way to my Purpose, is the discovery of a thread, which has been woven through the decades of my life, that involves gender equality and a deep desire to understand the essence of my masculinity.
Stupid Stereotypes
Few people would argue that men and women are physically different. The gender-related problems lie beyond the obvious differences in plumbing, body shapes, physical capabilities, and hormone variances. When it comes to relating between the two genders and within genders — aka ‘people’; it’s the gender specific messages instilled by parents, families, educators, and the mass media which creates divisive and endless confusion between each other.
These archaic messages combine to create stereotypes for each successive generation, leading to entire belief systems which manifest within and then become our outward, tangible words and actions. Initially, these stereotypes exist outside of a person, independent of their gender. Then over time, as part of a constant onslaught, they can easily become part of us. Once set into motion they build, gain traction in our minds, get deeply reinforced repeatedly, and move us into a state of personal suffering.
We become slaves to the ingested stereotype. For some of us it takes over and becomes a driving force in our lives; regardless of the havoc unleashed from blindly accepting it. While other people are partly or fully aware of an internal dialogue that constantly measures how close or far away they are from their respective gender stereotype. This too, creates similar confusion and suffering.
All this men are hunter-gatherers shit.. or men are penetrators and women are all open and flowy and flowery, reinforces these stereotypes. As if women can’t or shouldn’t be stoic, confident, or dominant. Or men can’t or shouldn’t be emotional, talkative, or nurturing. Now, before invoking your warrior or goddess canned response, such as look to the animal kingdom crap, remember we are sentient beings. We have the power of choice. We can choose to play out someone else’s idea or we can choose to incorporate our genetic nature into our everyday life while not only upholding but also elevating the sanctity of person-hood.
It’s hard to imagine that beneath the most hardened man, there isn’t a scared child deep within who just wants to be loved. Be acknowledged. Be heard. Be held. Nor is it hard to imagine that beneath the most hardened woman is a person suffering and ultimately the same scared child who just wants to be loved. Be acknowledged. Be heard. Be held.
The embodiment and enactment of love defies gender.
How Far We’ve Not Come
Yet here we are with hordes of men who’ve been inoculated with outdated, antisocial, violence-leaning, close-minded, and emotionally stunted messages. And what do we get? A legion of men who have no idea what being a man is…….to themselves. Not to society. Not to some glorified ideal. Not to what some book says. Not to what some movie portrays. And at the edges of the spectrum, men can (and have) become so disengaged they devalue human life itself.
Transcending gender, I believe every person’s potential for happiness, prosperity, healthy relationships, and general well-being is based on one single factor:
100% Personal Accountability and Responsibility
This translates to owning everything you (in order of occurrence) sense, feel, think, say or do. Regardless of gender and the respective physical differences which are absolutely real and valid; each gender, each person, must take 100% personal responsibility and accountability for themselves. This means the endless saga (and trauma) of the religious/political agenda dissolves into each person claiming and invoking their personal accountability and responsibility for only themselves and no one else (while of course doing such within the boundary of the law as well as the parenting of children).
That may sound like a naive perspective or the makings of a utopian world. And maybe it is. But it’s pretty obvious what keeps happening instead; each generation passes these problem-ridden concepts down to the next and the drama, wars, injustices, and suffering plays on through the millennia. Egos, male and female, become deflated or overinflated, and crises ensue.
The fundamental equation for every human interaction that goes awry is this:
My ___________ (noun) is ____________ (adj) than yours.
Untangling the Mess
My purpose then, in this generation, in my remaining time, is to help men untangle these insidious stereotypes in order to become aware of and then build their personal power. So they can be the most authentic version of themselves with and among women, with and among men. With and among people. Presently there appears to be 100x more women providing this ‘untangling’ for other women than there is for men. That’s because the male stereotype that has been infused into the brains of so many men unilaterally states there is no place for such openness and vulnerability. Pretty good chance these men’s relationships are sucking to some degree, if not having already failed. Not so ironically, to reach my ideal client, a man who has an inkling something is amiss (pure megalomaniacs could never hear my message), I must exploit the very male stereotype I so detest.
My vision for men:
No more suffering in isolation and silence
No more emotionally vacuous men who have no understanding, let alone the skills, to process feelings and then how to convey them to another person
No more crap being drilled into men’s brains about what a man is
Men becoming fully aware, present, and conscious
Men repairing and renewing their relationships
Men cultivating meaningful friendships with other men
Men extinguishing their fears of inadequacy
Men exploring and claiming their own unique masculinity
Men eradicating their distortions of power struggles
This is why I became The Mantor.
This is the mission of Mantoring.
Everyone, including overtly and covertly suffering men, deserve to Love More and Hurt Less.
Photo: Mo Kaiwen/Flickr
Originally appeared at Love More Hurt Less.com
Great article. Mantor on.
Thank you Paul. So glad you enjoyed it.
interesting …
“Steven Shewach thinks it’s time we stop focusing on archaic messages of gender stereotypes – ”
“No more crap being drilled into men’s brains about what a man is – ”
and so on…
and yet…
the graphic image selected (probably by someone other than the author), locates mens’ love at their genitals, and womens’ love , over their heart….
??
It seems to me that the graphic image is there to illustrate the very stereotypes the writer denounces.
Thanks for commenting. As the author of this article, the GMP editors choose their own feature image for posts from outside sources when they get published to GMP. I find the image they chose to be interesting. Both interpretations of your comments are valid and I agree with Sonya that the location of the hearts are run-of-the-mill stereotypical.