A story of one man’s desperate decision to break his vows and maybe save his marriage.
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One of the fastest ways to hear someone pass judgment is to talk about an extra-marital affair. Comments like, “It’s never right,” and “There is no excuse,” or “You should just leave,” are the normal and expected reactive comments.
For many couples in a relationship, sex is something that goes by the wayside.
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Cheating is a subject on which everyone has a strong opinion that they feel entitled to express, irrespective of knowing any of the circumstances or facts behind the decision. As unpopular as this might be, I agree with the need for some partners to move outside the relationship to gain the intimacy, sex, and connection they are craving.
Here is why.
For many couples in a relationship, sex is something that goes by the wayside. It’s discarded along with the trash one week and no one can be bothered to fish it out.
Sometimes it’s both sides that give up, or certainly put it way down on the importance scale with the exception of birthdays and holidays, the wedding they just went to on the weekend reminds them of how great it used to be.
I get that sex is not important to either party in these marriages and they feel that there are more important things in a marriage. If that is the mutual agreement, then there is nothing wrong with this dynamic as long as any children in the family unit are still being shown a loving, connected, and otherwise intimate relationship between the adults. Children need the role-model of positive relationships between their parents, so the importance of this cannot be undervalued.
Sometimes however, it’s just one person who gives up and leaves the other partner wanting and begging for sexual attention and sexual release. It is in these cases when frustrations can turn to significant hurt, and the honor of the marital vows becomes heavily tested.
Adam married his ideal woman. They had a wonderful, active sex life and shared values, visions and dreams.
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In my relationships coaching, what people tell me is that when this is the case they feel constantly tested. The need to continually ask for intimacy, which is then denied, becomes degrading to their self-esteem and causes significant and very real pain which manifests in what appears to be unrelated behaviors such as anger, depression and a distancing from each other. One party at least, starts to feel disconnected from all aspects of the marriage. Arguments creep in and the distance becomes greater.
Adam* is a client who shared with me his experiences of 12 years in an almost sexless marriage. This is just one story, I have heard many similar. Each presents with their own unique relationship issues, but there is one common deficit that led them there.
Adam married his ideal woman. They had a wonderful, active sex life and shared values, visions and dreams. They envisaged a future life together and both assumed it would be as blissful as it currently was. Love in its early years feels so powerful that it’s unimaginable that things will ever change. Yet for Adam, he says it turned out like this:
“As soon as the ring hit the finger, her legs closed.”
The lack of sex was almost instant, and they were off to a rocky start. His wife later suffered from post partum depression after children were born, which led to further problems for each of them. Adam did his very best to support his wife but he felt hopeless and powerless and completely trapped.
Men like Adam … feel it’s not acceptable for them to talk about their needs and desperation with anyone else, and the one they love has retreated from them, so they internalize the pain and confusion.
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Because we see men as ‘strong’ and ‘dependable’ it is in these times that they do their very best to be all that they can be in order to live up to the expectations and their desire and need to support those they love. However the seemingly impossible task to get things right can be crushing to a man’s sense of identity and he can struggle to hold it together.
He begins to question everything about himself. Why am I not enough? What more can I do? Men like Adam who share these stories with me say that they feel desperately alone. They feel it’s not acceptable for them to talk about their needs and desperation with anyone else, and the one they love has retreated from them, so they internalize the pain and confusion.
“We have regularly gone well over a year without sex.”
After around six years of conflict and confusion for Adam, in what was now an almost totally sexless marriage, he took to drinking to cope. He recognizes it was far from an ideal solution, but his frustrations around the lack of intimacy, and the pain of disconnection he felt were such that he needed something that would numb the pain.
The pain that Adam felt was not just the rejection from sex, it was the disconnection he felt from his life. He felt a deep sense of anger, confusion and hurt, which caused him turmoil, because he was lacking intimacy with his wife whom he still adored.
But sex and the intimate connection with his wife were not trivial to Adam.
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At his suggestion, they tried sourcing and reading books, counseling and communicating more, but his efforts fell flat. His wife told that counseling, “Just wasn’t for her, especially not over something so trivial.”
Her denial of his support and refusal to join him in seeking help, caused more and more frustrations.
“Communication can only go so far, when one person won’t participate. In a total of 12 years of marriage, we’ve been intimate maybe 12 times.”
The one passion they did still share was a commitment to the family unit. Determined to stay together for the sake of the children, Adam pushed through. His wife told him they would never break up the family for something “so trivial as sex.”
But sex and the intimate connection with his wife were not trivial to Adam.
After recognizing the destructive path of his drinking, and that it never dulled the real pain, Adam reached sobriety again. However, the frustrations and anxieties around sex and the intimacy he so strongly craved, returned.
Desperate for deeper level intimacy and connection, Adam eventually chose to break his vow to be faithful to his wife, and took a lover.
“It was a final act of a desperate man.”
It was a conscious decision and one he does not condone.
Interestingly, as if she had some sixth sense and after period of 12 years of refusing her husband’s advances, Adam’s wife began to engage him with sex again. She had no knowledge of the affair he had begun. True to his commitment to her and his family, Adam ended the affair soon after his wife began engaging him intimately again.
It is yet to be determined how long this will last, experience tells me that it may be short-lived, I certainly hope it’s not.
It takes courage to share a story like this publicly. There is always much judgment and criticism with extra-marital affairs, and if you are one such person with strong opinions, this may not change yours.
What I hope, is that the next time you hear of an affair, you consider that sometimes there is far more to the story than you realize. That sometimes, people have done all they can or could. As for me, I have nothing but compassion and empathy for this man’s decisions.
Ultimately it is to be hoped that they have found a way to connect and continue the sexual intimacy which they have rediscovered.
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Since Adam felt he had done all he could to communicate his feelings and had even engaged professional help, and his wife had repeatedly told him that he was making too much of something that was trivial to her and refused to participate in counseling or even discuss his concerns with him directly, he believed he was faced with three choices:
- Breaking up his family over something he had been shamed into believing was trivial and unimportant.
- Live a life that was not consistent with what he wanted and needed as a man, also resulting in shame for his ‘needs’ and pain of the internal conflict he felt.
- Having an affair and making him judged as guilty for being a cheat.
Of course, his wife always had the choice to seek counseling, communicate her thoughts, and to validate her husband’s desire for being intimate with her without trivializing his needs.
Ultimately it is to be hoped that they have found a way to connect and continue the sexual intimacy which they have rediscovered.
*This is not every man’s story. This is the story of one man, Adam, (identity changed) who has courageously shared his story with me. There are many scenarios of infidelity, this is just one of them.
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Photo: Flickr/Nick Nguyen
Hi FlyingKal 1: I have never used the word bullshit so please stop saying that. 2: Thomas is my hairdressers friend and I do not know if he asked his wife earlier in those 12 years 3: Why do you use the expression “not willing”? Let me ask you FlyingKal would you use that expression about a man that had good sex before marriage and suddenly after the wedding night or on the wedding night said no to sex and no to even talk about it? Would you or anyone else describe this young man as “not willing”? 4: She… Read more »
Silke, 1. I am sorry. I mixed up this with my reply to Wolfhart, and I do apologize for that. 2. Fair enough. 3. Why not? Wouldn’t you agree that there’s a difference? And I would most probably call that man “not willing”, yes! As long as he for instance refused to talk about ir, why wouldn’t I? 4. It’s very easy to delude oneself that it’s just a temporary setback, that if you just let things setlle down, or try a little harder, things will get back to as it was. And sometimes they do, I guess. I’ve been… Read more »
Hi FlyingKal yes he probably adores the memory, and let me be nasty and say she is probably good looking … I have a feeling of tenderness for him now,since I also have idealized men I loved and been blind to bad behavior or lack of love. Life is not easy for anyone and I do not know of any society where people have in full harmony about their sexuality. We have heard this same story so many times here on GMP and men have all sorts of hypotheses about how this can happen. And of course there can be… Read more »
sorry about my typos
One day he told her “I miss sex……….
Why does this story make me angry? Something here does not ring true. Here is how Jasmin describes it ” His wife told him they would never break up the family unit for something “so trivial as sex”. But still Adam wants to start a sexual relationship in secret ,possibly with another married person. And I feel no compassion for Adam. Here is a story about man I do like: His wife had a stroke and was later disable and sex was over in this marriage. He took care of her and had no intention of leaving or getting a… Read more »
Just like two men are not alike, neither are two women. Thomas’s wife obviously had compassion for him and his situation. What says that Adam’s wife would be as gratious, considering that she is already dismissing and trivializing his desire for her. There’s also a distinct difference between not being able to (due to a medical condition in this case), and not wanting to. (Or, you could also say it was rather cynical of her to let him go for 12 years before gratiously allowing him to be with someone else. Just like you called bullshit on “Adam’s” story, so… Read more »
many men stop giving women they’re with flowers and actively listening to them when they talk and taking them out on dates once they are married.. Yet you don’t see a bunch of women going on dates with men outside the marriage because intimacy is lacking. You either fix it or leave. What’s the point of a vow if you can have justification for breaking it? you either break it or you don’t. He should have just left if sex is the only form of intimacy he can process. and the next women he dates he should tell her upfront… Read more »
*apologies if this is a duplicate comment, this site seems to think I am a spammer* You know, there’s someone that you’re forgetting here Jasmin. The “other” woman. I am willing to bet the overwhelming majority of men who practice sexual infidelity in marriage are not honest toward the woman with whom they want to/do cheat with. If an affair has to be a secret, do you really think it’s something that is healthy or justifiable? You seem to have the outlook that since the welfare of the other woman isn’t your mess to clean up, she doesn’t matter as… Read more »
Wolfhart
Well said. BRAVO!
I like you 🙂
Wolfhart,
You call bullshit on the reasons “”Adam” gives- on the grounds that read like an extremely old stereotype about women, sex and being married. Yet you don’t seem to have much of a threshold yourself repeating the equally old stereotypes about men and sex?
Regarding how the children were conceived, there’s that word “almost” used several times in the article.
But sure, you are right. Actually having sex, even if it’s several months or even years between the occasions, isn’t technically a “sexless marriage”, if we are going to split hairs about it.
What stereotypes about men and sex? I am speaking from own experience as a woman in the dating world *right now*. I am referring to how *I personally* have been treated, experiences I have lived. You’re trying to pick apart my comment by claiming that I am only parroting popular assumptions about men, and ignoring that I am speaking from real life as I have lived it. What I also know is that *I* don’t deserve to be lied to and used, but damn if would -be cheaters think I am wrong about that. I am genuinely confused as to… Read more »
Wolfhart
Nobody deserves to be used and lied to by persons (men or women) that think it is ok to expect others to enter a sexual relationship that is forbidden and must be kept a secret .
But as Jasmin indicated there are persons in the same situation that look for the same as Adam.
How two persons like that can have a sexual relationship that is NOT a threat to the marriage ,and where they will not fall in love is hard for me to understand.
Wolfhart,
I am not picking apart or even commenting on the part of your post where you speak about your real life experiences.
Just the part where you call bullshit on the story of “Adam”, a man whose actual thoughts and experiences you know very little if anything about.
I have also been hit on a lot by married men over the years, so much that it left me feeling a bit cynical about fidelity. And of course they all say that their wives don’t want sex anymore. Yet so many of my married female friends complain that their sex lives have become boring. I know that keeping the sexual fires burning in a long term relationship can be tough, especially when one partner has emotional or physical issues that result in an aversion to sex. But, I also don’t understand why people stay in a dissatisfying relationship where… Read more »
Jasmin ,let me say one more thing., What about love? Would I refuse to make love to man I love? I don’t think so. Would I believe a man loved me if he refused to hold me,hug me and also make love? NO! And it surprises me that you do not see that in this story we have a third part here also not only two persons but at least three and sometimes even more. Is a marriage license something that gives you the right to treat others disrespectfully sexually? After my own divorce it was mainly married men that… Read more »
Silke, “Would I refuse to make love to man I love? I don’t think so. Would I believe a man loved me if he refused to hold me,hug me and also make love? NO!” As you point out yourself, there are AT LEAST three sides to every story. Now you are yourself making the same mistake that you’re pointing out Jasmin Newman to do. You share A story (in this case your own story, which I think is a rather brave thing to do) and in some way presume that any other experience should be filtered through that! I have… Read more »
Flyingkal Who say it is ok not to be respectful and caring towards a partner and a spouse? Who say sexual fidelity is the most important thing and love and caring matters less? I am not qualified to know what is the main causes for divorce but it is my impression that is not sexual infidelity and Gottman seems to say the same. Still sexuality is an important part of us and for many an vulnerable thing also. Not everybody see it as a sacrament like the Catholics does, and how the Muslims see it I do not know but… Read more »
Silke, No-one says it i ok not to be respectful towards a partner. The thing is that it’s rarely taken into account a all. Just look at the answers here. My guess is that sexual incompatibility is a far more common cause for divorce than infideity itself. And I don’t think infideity is a good solution to a difficult situation, either. The best solution is probably to be honest, talk about it and try to work it through together. But if one person refuse to do that and won’t even acknowledge there’s acually a problem, you are left wth less… Read more »
HI Silke
I’ve tried to answer this post Three times now.
The first answer got eaten by an auto-refesh of the page.
The second disappeared when my Word program hung up.
And the third try seems to be stuck in moderation…
I’ll try to get back to you on this.
Hi FlyingKal
OK I will be patient.
typo again sorry about that
my libido was unchanged…..
Hi Jasmin I am sorry I expressed myself not wise with my remark about rape. But something about your question upset me. I am well aware that married persons sometimes sleep with others. In my country the percentage is as high as 70% of both men and women in some social groups while other groups have low percentage of infidelity of a sexual kind. This is facts of life. This has never been a deal breaker for me and never will be,but still your way of writing about this made me angry because I felt you mean there is good… Read more »
The point is to open minds and create conversations about why people cheat. It’s not up to me to say if it’s good or bad. In this case since his wife would not seek help – we will never know her side.
well Jasmin I feel sorry for any person that ADORE a spouse that is obviously emotionally abusive,and invalidate his feelings,his wants and his needs.
Invalidation is the most severe form of all kinds of emotional abuse.
I can not see that having lovers for sex will stop an abusive spouse or open the eyes of a man that adore the person he describes as an emotional abuser.
I rest my case ,
Hi Jasmin, Interesting article. I do not normally comment on articles as I enjoy reading and “bouncing around” but this one gave me pause. Perhaps it is clarification I seek, perhaps the article couldn’t go too long due to word count limitations, or perhaps…there’s more to it than Adam let on. As the saying goes…there’s three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth. You have 1/3 – Adam’s and have speculated on a portion of hers – as you state she didn’t come to counseling so you don’t KNOW what she thinks or said you only… Read more »
I respect your comments and thoughts however I would refute pretty much all of that. I didn’t come to publishing this story on a whim. Yes, it is one version – we make that clear. It’s about one man’s moment of desperation. No, it’s not all men and yes it’s his story – and it’s also one I hear quite often in varying forms. The object is to open your eyes to the plight of others and remove judgment. I know it’s a topic there is a lot of judgment around. It’s OK if it doesn’t resonate with you, it’s… Read more »
Hi Jasmin Why not look at the third part in this triangle?the What can a married person offer? He or her go for sex in secrecy and draw a third part into the lies . Why all this lying and why ask questions you ask? Let me ask you is rape always a bad thing or can we understand it ? Hmmmmm. I married without any deep thoughts about what kind of contract I signed. We should all discuss these matters before we marry and not solve problems by bringing in lovers to be used to satisfy our needs…… And… Read more »
Hi Silke, thanks for your questions. I’ll start from the end up – none of us know everything about anyone. Every marriage, every man, woman, relationship and situation is different. I’m not privy to her side of the story and so I have shared his. Clearly, she has a story also, but I work specifically with men and bring men’s stories to the forefront of conversations because they are so often overlooked and devalued next to the woman’s. I don’t really understand the rest of your questions, particularly about rape. If you’d like to expand you are welcome to and… Read more »
Seems that there IS another choice. Be honest with your wife that living a “sexless” life, for the next 18 years is not an option for you and be upfront about having sex with another partner. One of the biggest agreements, to me, in an intimate partnership is honesty. If she doesn’t want sex and you find it to be a normal and natural need for you, then I don’t think its an issue to seek sexual companionship with another. Just be up front about it.
Cita,
I pretty much agee with you.
But, this also requires the low-libido partner to own up and acknowledge that the desire has vanished, and maybe on a long-term basis. And not fall into the perpetual cycle of “But I do want to make love to you. Not just today..”
And ususally the higher-libido partner is also hesitant to press the issue because deep down they still love their partner after all.
It’s not just about having sex, it’s about doing it with that special person.
Thanks for your question and thoughts.
She refused to discuss it with him – he tried many times and it was very hard to have a discussion when it was trivialised and he was demeaned and demoralised for his needs.
Victorian men expected two kinds of women, the sexy kind and the motherly kind. Modern men are stunned that their sexy sweethearts lose desire for husband=him soon after marriage. These husbands are even more shocked when their no-lust wives rediscover desire with secret lovers. One imagined hypothesis is the “bait and switch” where the single woman pretends to be attracted to a guy she only wants for his income and parenting help. These brides sincerely believe they will stay in lust with their husbands, just as grooms sincerely believe they will never desire another woman. Reality is more biologically subtle:… Read more »
I’m sorry, but my ex-wife cheating on me has me taking a very different view of things. It may be hard to do the right thing, but it is still the right thing. Yes, I think Adam’s wife broke her vow to him long before he broke his vow to her. But, two wrongs don’t make a right. If Adam had talked to his wife about his needs and not let her trivialize how he felt and what he needed as a husband, and she knew he was going to get his needs met outside of their marriage, that would… Read more »
Yeah, I hear you Jimmy. Two wrongs don’t make a right – and he doesn’t condone it. That being said, you can only communicate when both parties are willing…and THAT takes a lot of work on being open, listening, hearing and viewing through someone else’s filter system. When one party is open to that – you’ve got little chance. He wanted to do the right thing by his kids, like so many others.
I’m sorry, but cheating on your spouse is not doing right by your kids. That was the excuse my ex-wife used to justify her affair. She said that she wasn’t happy with me for a long time (although she was never honest with me about her unhappiness, never said we needed counseling, etc.) and that the affair was an attempt to be happy again because the kids deserved a mother that was happy. Staying in a broken marriage is NOT what is best for the kids. That is a bad example and the environment is unlikely to be a happy,… Read more »
I agree with you on that. A broken relationship is never a good model for children to learn from.
So, I find myself in a similar situation. Only for me after 14 years together and and lot of discussions and trivialization of the issue I started getting the “I wouldn’t blame you if you had sex with other people” talk. This was soul crushing because it was not other people I wanted sex with, it was my wife. I felt very disrespected and unloved every time it was brought up. Oh, I should mention that this was not opening up the relationship where I could discuss things with her and share my experiences with her. This offer was one… Read more »
Massive love and respect to you for your honesty and courage (potentially in the face of fire). Your commitment and dedication to your family is honourable in my opinion.
Funny, but whenever one uses the term “break vows”, it always means infidelity. However, there are many ways to break vows, and withholding sex is a big one. My take is that “Adam’s” wife broke her vow to him long before he did to her. I know way too many Adams — men trapped in sexless marriages who stay “for the kids” (which really is doing them no favors) but who have girlfriends on the side. My problem is not that these men take lovers — god, I would expect them to. My issue is that they are not honest… Read more »
Interesting perspective. Thank you.
Most vows also include one or more passages abut honouring, respecting and supporting each other “in sickness and in health”. I can’t see that trivializing, ridiculing or dismissing any trouble or concern your partner may have, goes along the line of these vows either. But somehow it’s only the fidelity vow that seems to matter. Why is that?
Agreed !
‘Til Death do us part. Or in Adam’s case, until my wife’s legs don’t part, then after that, fair game.
Or 12 years of an almost sexless marriage ….
While I recognize that “Adam” does not condone cheating, other people may read this and believe that if they cheat on their partner’s, they would be justified in doing so. I suspect that once Adam had sex, he was not so desperate for it and his partner responded to him not being desperate and needy for sex. Of course, it’s natural to understand why Adam would feel desperate and needy for sex after all that time. I just can’t get on board with the question though if it’s ever okay to break a vow. What will be interesting to know… Read more »
I would hope that people reading this can just gain some empathy for others paths and to remove judgment around someones circumstances. We all travel a different road, many times unpaved.
Jasmin, does Adam’s partner know he cheated?
I don’t have judgment around how Adam felt being in a relationship where his needs where not being considered. I do have judgment around making the choice to cheat and possibly not tell his partner he cheated? But that judgment doesn’t mean I think Adam is a terrible person. I just think what he did was wrong and if his wife doesn’t know about the cheating, it’s unfair to her twice now.
It’s NOT about justifying cheating, but UNDERSTANDING why they cheat…
Thank you !
My wife left me for another man, less than six weeks after we got married. I believe in fidelity also, but I haven’t had any sex in almost two years. I am not just in a sexless marriage, I am in a non-marriage “marriage”. My body tells me one thing, but my convictions demand another, fidelity to a wife who is unfaithful to me.
Thanks for sharing Steve. Are you separated but still legally married? Is that why you remain faithful?
A Case of Infidelity, Is It Ever OK to Break a Vow? No