Travel, especially international travel, can cause friction between even the strongest of couples. Here are a few tips to help avoid the friction and ease it when it comes.
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There is nothing more exhilarating than sharing the beauties of this world with the one we love. It can be something as involved as a trip to Myanmar or as relaxed as walking down to the new coffee shop around the corner. Exploring the new, and getting to share that new with the person I most cherish, has been one of my life’s greatest gifts. For nearly three years Maggie and I lived in and traveled all throughout Asia. We did about as much as two people working full-time could do: we viewed Vietnam from the back of a motorcycle, dove into the unique cuisine of Thailand, rode camels through the Thar desert, and on and on.
But it wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns. We often forget that in exploring new places we are also opening up the potential to encounter new situations—from the unexpectedly romantic to the incredibly dangerous and everything in between. I’ve been back in the States for a few months now and this has given me some time to reflect on a few of the things that helped maintained and even grow our love during our time abroad.
(1) Be open, always. Except when you shouldn’t be. Travel means choices, millions of them. It means deciding which mode of transportation to get to where and when. Because time matters, it’s important that you each get to soak up the travel experience in the individual ways you’re drawn to. Stay open to each other’s interests—Maggie came with me to train with the Pehlwani wrestlers in Varanasi, while I went with her on a rowboat down the Ganges River. Friction usually occurred when both of our ultra-openness meant that we couldn’t make a decision. So stay open—it’s good 99% of the time—but be ready to take your “I don’t care what we do” to an actual decision when the time calls for it.
(2) Watch out for each other intensely, but don’t forget that you’re both capable adults. There were times when my drive to protect Maggie went overboard—to the point where I was missing out on the wonders around us and Maggie felt like she was with a bodyguard, not a partner. Despite what our news shows us, most places tourists travel to are actually safer than many cities in our own country. Work to strike this important balance: Be aware of the issues where you are and of each other’s physical presence, but don’t underestimate your partner’s ability to look out for themselves. After getting off a train in India, for example, there were at least 100 men surrounding us, and most were staring at Maggie as though she were a piece of meat. They pulled her in different directions, even ripped her notebook out of her hands. When one came lunging for her breasts, and before I even had a chance to react, she had laid the dude out. The crowd, now respectful of her, parted the way for us to walk through. Had I hit the guy before Maggie (so we’ve been told) we’d likely have been in a terrible situation.
(3) Get caught up in the beauty around you, but not at the expense of the beauty of your relationship. There were times when travel planning took up all of our free time after work, for weeks, and we both could feel the friction building. The more we reflected the more we realized it was because we weren’t giving to each other. We weren’t writing love notes in the fog on the bathroom mirror, we weren’t holding hands as much, we weren’t taking that extra few minutes to snuggle after the morning alarm went off. Stay mindful of this. Here’s the lesson simply put that helped us both immensely: Let the beauty of your travels re-awaken the beauty of your love.
(4) Talk all the time and listen even more. Are you exhausted? Share it with your partner. Maybe one of you slept well under the mosquito net but the other is dragging—and here you are at the place of your dreams! Never be afraid to share how you’re feeling. Traveling with your loved one is just as much about traveling through the world as it is traveling through the nuances and ways of each other. There we were, at Disneyland in Tokyo, and I could barely walk. Plantar fasciitus hit me hard, to the point where I was about to bawl if I took another step. I finally looked up at her and broke down. “Forget Disneyland,” she said. “If I’m upset at all it’s because you didn’t tell me you were hurting.” Lesson learned. We sat down to lunch for 30 minutes and when we stood back up the problem was infinitely better. I didn’t need to struggle so damn much; all I really needed to do was communicate.
(5) Use each other’s strengths, and create a pattern out of it when possible. Spin me around in a large mall and I’ll be completely and utterly lost. So Maggie generally kept the maps and got us where we wanted to go. And since I’m pretty good at quickly researching things online, when time was tight I was often in charge of finding a safe but interesting place to stay or finding where the locals love to eat. Knowing who the “go-to” partner is in various times of travel can help de-escalate stressful situations and may even help you avoid them altogether.
When you and your partner are packing your clothes for your next trip don’t forget to pack the invisible: the qualities that brought you together in the first place.
Onward, together.
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–Photo: Cameron & Maggie by Dorje Tamang <—Connect with him if you want to visit Nepal!