A valet commented on the short skirt of Dave Hall’s wife, asking that she “alert him” when she got out of the car so that he could “turn his back.” How would you respond?
—
Pre-Letter Context: This past weekend my wife and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary at the Renaissance Hotel in Nashville, Tennessee. My wife, Samantha, was driving and as she was turning our vehicle over to the valet an exchange took place that I was not privy to and thus must unfortunately register my opinion here and after the fact.
As Samantha was gathering her things the valet commented on the shortness of her skirt and asked that she alert him as to when she was getting out so that he might turn his back and thus not risk any “exposure” on her part.
What follows is what I’d like to impart to this young man in terms of heartfelt wisdom born from many years of experience both in being a man and in dealing with women.
***
Dear Dumbass,
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here. I’m going to assume that your intentions were noble and that you thought you were doing the honorable thing by protecting both my wife’s honor and her dignity.
The alternative assumption is that you fully intended to be insulting and in that case I feel compelled to take a more aggressive stance. Trust me, it’s not something you’ll like as it involves violating certain ethical ideals I hold about larger, stronger entities exerting force on smaller, weaker entities. Since we’re talking about the woman I love you can see how easily I might lose sight of reasoned arguments in favor of ethical behavior and resort to more impassioned tactics that are much more direct in their expression.
Because, in fact, you did insult my wife.
As a valet and a service provider, who will frequently come in contact with many women of various hem lengths — hell, as a human being — you need to realize there are very few times in which it is appropriate for you to voice your comments on another’s dress or appearance. I’m not saying you can’t have an opinion, I’m just telling you to keep it to yourself.
My wife was well aware of the length of her skirt when she put it on. As such she’s more than aware of the potential for exposure and fully capable of taking precautions to make sure things like that don’t happen. Furthermore, the focus of your gaze should be in making appropriate eye contact. Anything more than that and we’re back to impassioned reasoning.
See, I know you think you’re being helpful. But what your comment actually said was: “You shouldn’t be wearing that. And since you didn’t realize that, well, I’m going to take steps for both of us to protect us from the consequences of your poor decision.”
It’s not an uncommon form of arrogance expressed by boys and those men ill acquainted with women, and if you don’t find a way to divest yourself of it it will ensure you continue to remain so.
What you should have said was, “Welcome to Renaissance. May I help you?” You should have maintained friendly eye contact and stood ready to offer assistance if necessary. And if the gods of good fortune (coupled with your own gaze) had seen fit to grace you with unintentional flash, take it in such a manner that no one even knows you saw. It’s called discretion and it’s a sign of maturity.
Speaking of maturity, let’s hope you find it before a less even-tempered woman (or her husband) comes your way again.
Like The Good Men Project on Facebook
–Originally posted on Agoge Fitness
–Photo: renotahoe/Flickr
Excellent write up Dave.
Dave, As a 42 year old male I understand your perspective and your protective nature. Congratulations to you and your wife on 2o years. I appreciate you giving the valet the benefit of the doubt because there is a good chance that he has been told to do this by an equally young and inexperienced manager or simply didn’t realize that he might be offending your wife, or had a bad experience and is maybe overcompensating. I’m sure you have, even at your age, inadvertently offended many people including your wife, without ill intent. But Nicole, you are another story… Read more »
Gross, Marc!
Your reply is deeply disturbing and disturbed on so many levels. The shame that you are inflicting on your children will have a lifetime of consequences. Please, consider therapy.
I can’t believe there are people so privileged that they would consider this an insult and spend so much time, thought and energy to over analyse a minuscule comment. Besides, you have no clue what motivation the valet had when he said what he that. However, that didn’t stop you from name calling and wishing you or your wife would have escalated the situation physically. At the WORST the valet was saying dress your age. That’s not something to fight over. A MAN would let the valet know how he felt and THAT”S IT. Sounds like you overpaid for a… Read more »
Wow. I am shocked that people cannot see misogyny even when it’s handed to them on a plate. The whole point of that comment from the valet was to make Dave’s wife feel ashamed. Dave’s response is completely justified. And full disclosure, I have known the Hall’s for quite some time now. Dave has worked in the service industry and is an all around nice down to earth guy. I guarantee you he does not see anyone as beneath him. A valet’s job is to be courteous and park the car. When you make a guest feel ashamed, the job… Read more »
You come off sounding like an over-privileged tosser. So what the Valet said something, is he so far beneath you he cant react to fellow humans like a human, he has to react like an automaton. You make a point that he is a service person and this letter really its just “how dare he”, learn to react like a kind hearted human to those you obviously believe are below you. Why involve anyone else? Choose your attitude. Three important words, words to live by, choose your attitude.
James, what about this article brings up your issues with privilege? I don’t read one thing in it that classifies the writer as an “over privileged tosser”, whatever a “tosser” is. It seems to me you have jumped to conclusions about where Dave is coming from. Have you never saved up your money and taken your wife or girlfriend on a fancy night out? I don’t think using a valet service at a nice hotel on ones 20th anniversary makes them an elitist. Maybe thinking the poor valet should be pitied so much bc of his/her place in society and… Read more »
I see this as the epitome of making a “mountain out of a molehill.” I doubt the valet meant any harm from his statement and rather was trying to be a gentleman by averting his eyes. As a woman who has worn shorter dresses in my earlier days, I can assure you that stepping out of a vehicle sometimes causes inadvertent flashes. Watch an award show.. there will often times be someone standing in front if a woman to block photogs and others from seeing more than they had bargained for. While the statement from the valet wasn’t necessary, it… Read more »
A guess: He looked and felt guilty about it. He peeked without thinking about it and then backpedaled. He wondered if she noticed that he peeked. He was afraid she would tell her husband that he looked and get in trouble over it, so he made a really bad decision to try to cover his ass (so to speak). He was trying to say “I know I tried to peek, but I’m really a gentleman! I swear!” Courtesy mostly boils down to pragmatism — did saying what he said make anything better in any way? No. There was no good… Read more »
“And if the gods of good fortune (coupled with your own gaze) had seen fit to grace you with unintentional flash, take it in such a manner that no one even knows you saw. It’s called discretion and it’s a sign of maturity. ”
He sounds nervous and thoughtful even if a lil over-thinking it, not meaning to insult but pretty naive.
Sorry, but as a woman, I feel that, while the valet’s vocal gesture may have been unnecessary, his offer was indeed noteworthy and thought-provoking. “If you’ve got it, flaunt it” is not a valid reason to flash snatches, a$$-cracks, or nips just because you can. There are many tasteful ways to present yourself without wearing a flour sack. If your skirt is short enough for all of us to see how recently you had your last Brazilian wax done, then get defensive when someone is politely trying to let you know there is a potential for exposure, take the suggestion… Read more »
That’s a very interesting response, Jane. Especially since I never indicated exactly how “short” my wife’s skirt was. As a matter of fact, my wife, like all of us to some degree, suffers from insecurities about her appearance that come and go as they will. On this particular occasion she happened to be feeling good about herself. A weekend alone with me, out of town and in a fancy hotel had her primed for feeling beautiful. Her outfit was a summer dress, quite tasteful for a tall, slender, forty something mother of three teen-aged daughters. The hem of this dress… Read more »
That’s a very interesting response, Jane. Especially since I never indicated exactly how “short” my wife’s skirt was. As a matter of fact, my wife, like all of us to some degree, suffers from insecurities about her appearance that come and go as they will. On this particular occasion she happened to be feeling good about herself. A weekend alone with me, out of town and in a fancy hotel had her primed for feeling beautiful. Her outfit was a summer dress, quite tasteful for a tall, slender, forty something mother of three teen-aged daughters. The hem of this dress… Read more »
What kind of exposure are we actually talking about here? Your article gives the reader the idea that the “exposure” area is the crotch, but now you’re stating the guy was uncomfortable about seeing your wife’s thigh, which is an entirely different argument. Many women – and men – dress the way they do because they do enjoy the attention. There’s nothing wrong with that. I, too, am a slender, fortysomething mother of two boys. We – my husband and I – work hard to make sure they understand they have complete control over, and take responsibility for, the choices… Read more »
That is awful that your mother made you feel that way. This is what the valet was attempting to do to Dave’s wife. There was nothing polite about his comment. It’s not the same. He was attempting to shame her (knowingly or unknowingly really doesn’t matter). It wasn’t a perceived insult, it was an insult. Why get offended? Because misogyny causes great harm in our society in a variety of ways. Have you checked out the articles about the Santa Barbara shooting? The shooter was a part of an online forum where there are many men who feel the way… Read more »
Great piece! Hopefully this guy will read this before he runs into a fist one day.
Great article!
Well said sir!
Well written Dave. And tough too. This is actually a good training aid for valet services. I think others will get some benefit from this piece.