Alan Smith is asking you to #bethatguy.
—-
In many ways, I’m the definition of just a regular guy. I get up, don’t have time for breakfast, hop on the subway, weave through the crowds on the sidewalk, work my job, meet friends for a beer, maybe watch a little basketball, hand out high fives, and slap the cute waitress’s butt when my team scores. Wait, what?
Back up. I am NOT the guy who slaps the cute waitress’s butt. I try to avoid standing back and watching when other guys do that, too. And I definitely don’t laugh.
As the aforementioned extremely regular guy, I used to be worried about what would happen if I interrupted everyday — even micro — acts of violence when I saw them. But starting this month I’m participating in the new campaign “Be That Guy” by the global human rights organization Breakthrough.
Who is That Guy? That Guy knows that — whether or not you think of them as “violence” — street harassment, nasty comments, and yes, grabbing waitresses, are part of a dangerous culture that helps make violence against women, in whatever form, acceptable. He knows that if he steps in to stop other guys from doing those things, he helps change that culture.
I’ve been That Guy before, and you know what? It was pretty scary at first. But then it was kind of easy. And it made a big difference.
Like many other regular guys in New York, I’ve had my share of roommates. And when you have a roommate in New York, that means you’re pretty much in their personal space all the time. So when my female roommate started getting in some loud shouting matches with her boyfriend, it wasn’t hard to figure out what was happening.
I don’t know exactly when it escalated to physical, but I do remember simply knocking on her door and asking if everyone was okay. (As if the crash could have been an accidental thing.) And for me, in that case, my presence alone was enough to remind the boyfriend that whatever was going on behind closed doors was actually pretty public, and that it was not okay. I was that guy just by knocking. I was that guy because — without bursting in and causing a scene — I made it my business. Everyone’s business.
It’s not about whether my action changed him forever or inspired her to dump him. It’s about stepping up, making a statement, setting the standards that say violence, in any form, is not okay.
None of that makes me a superhero. Even a regular hero. I’m just a guy who, in that instance, didn’t stay silent.
Of course, that situation seemed more dire and dramatic than everyday catcalling, grabbing, or harassing. But that moment of clarity for me — that act of being That Guy — made me think about how these everyday actions, especially those in public, help normalize and enable more severe violence and discrimination against women. Little moments lead to big moments.
But likewise, little actions — especially when they add up — can make big change. So if I can be That Guy, then so can you. Seriously. I’m a huge dweeb. But you can be That Guy by interrupting all kinds of violence — even the most seemingly innocuous, like when your buddy calls you “bitch” or the guy passing you on the sidewalk directs your eye to a woman passing by as if to say “niiiiice meat.”
I’m guessing you’ll quickly find out, like I did, That Guy represents most of us. When he speaks or steps in, he does what everyone around him probably wanted to do anyway.
Like that guy (see below) who interrupted a domestic dispute escalating into violence on the subway simply by standing between the man and woman and eating his potato chips. Soon, others jumped in to interrupt the dispute. Every day action. Big change. It was awesome.
Being That Guy doesn’t mean breaking Guy Code. It just means that part of the Guy Code is being a decent human being. (OK, we all know a Guy for whom those two things are mutually exclusive… but even that guy can come around to being That Guy). It means we stop focusing the entire conversation around “rescuing” women — and start putting more focus on holding other men accountable for their behavior. It means we make it normal for guys to call out other men, not to join them.
I’m pretty sure that if we all became That Guy, we’ll tip the scales. We’ll make a big dent. We’ll start to change the culture.
That’d be cool. Let’s do that. Join me and #bethatguy.
*Ok, superheros would be cool too. I really like superheros. I’d got dibs on Superman.
Were you really that guy? I was just thinking of the time my cousins boyfriend had beaten her. My brother and I found him hanging out with four friends. We laid them out. Later I heard her friends telling her that her cousins were crazy. It had the effect we wanted, but It didn’t help. I found out that he would still hit her, but she just stopped telling. Another time I went to a club with two friends. We stopped by a friends house to see if he wanted to go. He was with his girlfriend and she wasn’t… Read more »
Hey John, Yeah, man. That’s a complex question – though i guess its almost always a complex question. One of the reasons that adding your own violence to the equation (even if it feels like righteous violence against a person who – like the dude you are talking about – really has it coming) doesn’t always accomplish what we want. When abuse is at play, then it seems like we need more to simply #bethatguy – we might also need to figure out ways get the abused person to think about what it means as much as the abuser. Good… Read more »
When I first saw this article I said to myself “Oh great, another one of those ‘All men are natural born rapist’ articles”, but I must say, you’re ‘right on’! I think I get where you’re coming from. It’s not even based upon gender as what’s right period! What some call ‘Male Privilege’ I always saw as ‘Male Responsibility’, as in you have an obligation to help those who you are able to help and NEVER take advantage of others, even if you have physical or any other advantage.
People on the subway can be so disgusting….flashers at Times Square….gropers on the train…over the summer, some sweaty guy got on the train and stood a little too close behind a young Asian woman in shorts…the train was crowded, but he seemed to way too close to her….she moved away before I could say something to him…seeing this stuff is so aggravating!
What do you think helped you make the decision to step in that first time? Social psychology tells us that in order for someone to intervene they need to 1. recognize there’s a problem 2. decide that they are responsible for stopping it and 3. determine a course of action. If you get hung up at any point in the process, you stay on the sidelines. I have something of a hero complex, or at least I used to; I always wanted to butt in and save the day. Now I work on taking a step back and making sure… Read more »
That is very good, and I certainly try to be that guy. For example I recently saw some commotion across through a window across the street and stood there for 5 minutes in order to decide whether it was playful wrestling or if that couple were really trying to kill each other. In the end I concluded it must have been playing, because they took turns in being on top and punching. If not, I would probably have had to call the police. But my question is this: How can you consistently be that guy without getting a crippling feeling… Read more »
The way I try to deal with it is to cling to the idea of impartiality. Meaning that if I heard a couple fighting and then a crashing noise I would try (try hard) not to automatically assume that HE did something to HER — rather I would conclude, that SOMEBODY needs my help, whoever of them it might be. And be prepared to help a man in the same way as a woman. I think that’s the key. Try to be helpful and impartial (at least until you get something of a read on the situation). That’s the one… Read more »
@ Theorema Egregium I agree and was going to suggest that helping everyone might help you to notbethatwhiteknight. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that men who focus entirely on preventing violence to women (especially not by women) are white knights. I get it. I feel more masculine when I’m protecting a woman I care about against a man. I don’t get the same feeling when defending her against another woman or defending a male friend against another man. When I hear things like this I suspect that men who join campaigns like this do it more for the ego boost and… Read more »
The way I try to deal with it is to cling to the idea of impartiality. Meaning that if I heard a couple fighting and then a crashing noise I would try (try hard) not to automatically assume that HE did something to HER — rather I would conclude, that SOMEBODY needs my help, whoever of them it might be. And be prepared to help a man in the same way as a woman. I agree this is key. It is what is missing from the argument. Snack Man is awesome because he stands between two people and defuses the… Read more »
Well, I think there’s a lot of good discussion here, but my two cents: “It would be great if you could just say “Most men are assholes, but it does not concern me, because I’m not”. But you can’t. At least I can’t.” Well… I think of it more like: there’s a *person* being an asshole. The thing that I think is “that guy”-ish about my story is that – simply by having a presence and putting myself out there as *There* was enough to get both parties to think about deescalation. Kind of like what John said before –… Read more »