Cecil Murphey, the adult, acknowledges the child who experienced childhood sexual abuse. He describes a cathartic inner dialogue between the adult survivor and the wounded inner child.
A therapist on the third segment of the Oprah Winfrey show on male sexual abuse brought out something I’ve done, but I haven’t written about. The therapist spoke about the wounded inner child. My friend David refers to it as “my little kid.” A few months after I began my healing journey, I had several dreams one night. In the first, I saw myself as an adult and I held an infant in my arms. I knew it was myself and I said to him:
“I’m Cec and you’re little Cecil. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to take care of you in childhood, but I’m here now.”
In the second, little Cecil was a toddler and sitting in a high chair. I stroked his cheek and said:
“I couldn’t help you then, but I’m here now.”
In each dream the little child was older. In the final dream, Cecil must have been a teen, although he was still shorter than Cec. I took his hand and we walked down the street together. I told him:
“You were so brave. You survived and you’re healthy. Your brothers didn’t make it, but you did. I’m proud of you.”
I stopped, turned to him, and hugged him. Then I awakened.
The meaning was obvious, but it started an inner dialogue with me. Even today, probably 20 years after that dream, I still talk to the boy. I remind him of his survival and thank him for not committing suicide (which he tried to do once).
“I like who I am now. I like who I am because you were brave and kept fighting. You didn’t let Dad or others defeat you. You were alone and had no one but you kept on. I’m strong today because you were strong then.”
Years ago I read something by Marsha Sinetar in which she wrote about the “invulnerables,” whom she referred to as those who survived an oppressive childhood and by every law of human behavior should have failed.
I’m an invulnerable.
And I’m grateful to little Cecil, who showed his courage and refused to quit.
***
Cecil Murphey has written two books on sexual abuse. The first was When a Man You Love Was Abused and Not Quite Healed. He is the author or co-author of several best-selling books including 90 Minutes in Heaven, which was on The New York Times’ best-seller list for five years and Gifted Hands: the Ben Carson Story.
Posted by 1in6, Inc. More information available at www.1in6.org.
The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives. 1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
–Photo: Beni Ishaque Luthor/Flickr
I developed a similar practice as part of my process over a decade ago… I would find myself overwhelmed at times with emotions, feelings which I noticed had no obvious stimulation in the present moment, and at times like these I would do a full room scan, then a full body scan and knowing then that nothing in the present was driving the feelings, I would call to the inner little Corneilius, saying “Little Corneilius, It’s big Corneilius here, and I can care for you now, so when you feel safe, tell me what it was like the first time… Read more »
Lovely piece, loved seeing the inner child grow. I’m not an abuse victim, but I’ve used a similar visualisation to deal with other personal issues, and I find it’s very powerful. Time doesn’t stop, and we’re expected to be an adult, but unresolved hurts can leave parts of us stuck in the past until we’re able to work through them.