Dr. Jed Diamond looks at trust and love through the lens of health and wellness.
Many people make resolutions at this time of year to improve their health. Some of us resolve to lose a few pounds. Others are ready to get more exercise. But the best thing you can do for your health is to have a high-trust relationship with someone you love. If you’re like most people I know, you’re either in a relationship that could stand improvement or you want to be in a relationship but you’ve been burned in the past and you’re afraid to open your heart again for fear of being hurt.
Dr. John Gottman may know more about how to have a successful (or unsuccessful) relationship than anyone else in the world. Gottman has spent decades observing the communication styles, thought patterns, and behaviors of thousands and thousands of couples in his famous “Love Lab.” In his book, What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal he offers down-to earth advice about what each of us can do to have the kind of relationship we all hunger for but are afraid we can’t have.
Let’s start with the basics. I call them the three “One Things” we all need to know about intimate relationships:
One Thing #1: Love
One Thing #1 is simple, but we make it complicated. Here are four wise quotes about One Thing #1:
“Love is a friendship set to music.” –Joseph Campbell
“The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” –Thich Nhat Hanh
“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” –James Baldwin
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.” –Anaïs Nin
Spending a week, month or year letting the wisdom of these quotes sink in would help us better understand the true nature of love.
One Thing #2: Betrayal
We think of betrayal as the secret affair that ends a marriage. But often the affair is the final betrayal. Here are 7 betrayals that most people don’t recognize. John Gottman describes them in his book, What Makes Love Last:
- A nonsexual affair
- Lying
- Absenteeism or coldness
- Withdrawal of sexual interest
- Disrespect
- Selfishness
- Breaking promises
Being human we will betray and be betrayed, but if we understand how deadly betrayals can be, we can minimize them, heal them, and learn the third “one thing” that can turn love back on again.
One Thing # 3: Trust
The one thing that turns love back on is a simple thing. It’s called “trust.” When we trust our lover, we know that they won’t betray us. We know that our partner is there for us when we’re scared, when we’re sick, when we’re not at our best. They’re not just thinking of themselves and their needs, they’re thinking about us and our needs. They have our back.
Not only do I know that Carlin won’t have an affair, but I know she won’t lie to me, that she respects me, that she’ll carry her own weight in our relationship, and will keep her promises. I know she has my back and will be there for me when I’m scared, feeling down, or am worried and confused.
In describing the importance of trust, Gottman says, “I now know that there is a fundamental principle for making relationships work that serves as an antidote to unfaithfulness. That principle is trust.”
I just completed a new book, Stress Relief for Men: How to Use the Revolutionary Tools of Energy Healing to Live Well. I offer men, and those who love them, guidance for reducing stress in their lives and building trust. Perhaps 80% to 90% of all illness is stress-related. Everything from rheumatoid arthritis and Alzheimer’s to depression and chronic pain.
After more than 40 years of research on how to make great relationships last forever, John Gottman concludes, “Trust is the greatest stress buster of all.”
We’ve all been wounded by life and when we are wounded we are reluctant to trust again. We come to believe that people aren’t trust-worthy, that it’s better to be safe than sorry. But I’ve learned the good news that we can be safe and also happy. We can learn to love, protect against betrayal, and build trust.
Building trust can, quite literally, save our lives. In research studies reported by Dr. Gottman it was found that men in low-trust relationships died at much higher rates than men in high-trust relationships. Over a 20-year relationship they found that men in a low-trust relationship were 11 times more likely to die than men in a high-trust relationship. Trust develops slowly and can be undermined if we’re not careful, but building a high-trust relationship is the best thing we can do with our lives.
It really is that simple. Of course, simple isn’t easy. It takes work, but it’s worth it. To learn more about John Gottman’s work and research, you can visit his website.
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–Photo: m-c/Flickr