John Stephens believes we need to end the gender dichotomy if we want better relationships. Here’s what he thinks a new checklist should look like.
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The Good Men Project recently published a piece by Paul Hudson titled 10 Signs You’re Dating A Woman, Not A Girl. At first I found the article amusing, but at first I looked at them as guidelines, as a spectrum, not as a pile of absolutes. When I read the article a second time, I became mildly offended.
The third time, I was close to fuming. I appreciate Paul’s efforts to begin a dialogue—it’s important for both sexes to have a better understanding of what they want in a mate—but I feel Paul’s list traps both sexes in an unhealthy gender dichotomy that does little to foster better understanding between partners. His use of the words “girl” and “woman” further perpetuates negative stereotypes. Healthy relationships begin to take shape when people try to understand each other as individuals, outside the confines of these stereotypes.
In response, I would challenge you to look for the following.
(1) A mate who is your best friend.
We throw the term best friend around a lot in modern society, but for me it’s a collection of important traits: trust, honesty, and a willingness to help with the little things. Nobody has one best friend anymore, but make sure your mate is someone with whom you can share trust and honesty at the highest level.
(2) A mate who can communicate their wants and needs effectively.
Last November The Huffington Post published an article titled 35 Things You Absolutely MUST Agree Upon Before Getting Married. You don’t actually need to agree on any of these things before you get married. Not a single one of these is a make-or-break decision. All 35 of these are things that you should be able to talk about, with each equal partner expressing their desires and reasons for them, and two adults in a healthy relationship able to reach compromise because they can effectively communicate.
(3) A mate who is your unquestioned partner and equal in all things.
Many of the women I’m friends with struggle to find a partner who will treat them at all times as an unquestioned equal. That struggle exists for men as well. I want a mate who will always treat me as an equal. Sometimes one or the other of us will be better at something, but at the end of the day everything gets done because we’re equals working together.
(4) A mate who accepts that almost all things have their time and place under the sun.
Sometimes I want to talk about Demi Lovato’s new music video or an article I read in the most recent Rolling Stone Magazine. Sometimes I want to spend thirty minutes talking about the first thirty seconds of the third movement of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Sometimes I want to watch True Blood and sometimes I want to watch documentaries about the diamond trade, underwater mammals, or baseball. None of these things are less acceptable than any other; they all have their time and place. Moreover, I want a mate who can trust me to give all of her things their time and place.
(5) A mate who is willing to always be working on the relationship.
Let’s be honest. It’s really easy to be happy in the beginning. Dopamine is a super-powerful fun drug! It lifts us up, fills us with happiness. Dopamine powers that first kiss—the one that sends chills down your spine and sets all the hair on your arms at end. Eventually though, dopamine wears off and you’re in a relationship full of challenges, and if you and your mate are not willing to work on them, your relationship is not long for this world.
(6) A mate with a passion.
It doesn’t even matter what you’re passionate about. Are you passionate about knitting, soccer, music? Having passions—things you deeply care about—and sharing them with your partner, exposes a willingness to be vulnerable, a willingness to risk disapproval, and an openness that is vital for the success of a relationship. Don’t go looking for a mate who you have everything in common with, because this never presents an opportunity for growth. Find yourselves a mate who can share with you, teach you, and help you grow, and do the same for them.
(7) A mate with a talent.
For me, there is nothing sexier than talent. My personal passion for music means that musical talent is the sexiest thing in the world. A girl who can sing brilliantly, or plays a musical instrument in ways that give me chills, defines sexy for me. This changes depending on your personal tastes. She might be a brilliant cook, a great softball player, or a gifted research scientist. All of those are darn sexy.
(8) A mate willing to take risks.
We get nowhere in life by living in our comfort zone, so you and your mate must be willing to try new things. Does she love Ethiopian food? Great! Go try it! Do you think it would be fun if you both dyed your hair the same color for a week? Great! Go do it! If both parties aren’t willing to explore the kinks of the other, inside and outside of the confines of your home, why are you bothering with a relationship at all?
(9) A mate who knows that at some point in every person’s life, they’ll need someone else.
We all need someone at some time, and in some place. We will all have difficult days. We will all suffer loss. We will all need help picking up the pieces, regardless of gender, and to acknowledge that is to take back power over our own lives. Therefore, don’t seek out the mate who never needs anyone. Seek out the partner who will welcome your help when they need someone, and will be a rock for you when you need someone.
(10) A mate who accepts you as you are and pushes you to be better.
These are not mutually exclusive things, no matter what others may claim. I can love my mate and still want her to do something better. She can encourage me to do things better even while she accepts me as I am. Despite taking time out to encourage one another in different pursuits, both of us are able to accept the person we currently love, faults and all.
When we attempt to live our own lives according to superficial, gender-essentialized checklists, we close ourselves off to possibility. When we stick to the superficial and never get to know people on a deeper level, we cheat ourselves of the experience of truly knowing that person. Worse still, perpetuating the belief that women and men must fit into a certain set of criteria in order to be empirically desirable as mates, infects an entire generation of boys and girls with unreasonable and unhealthy expectations. Whether you choose to accept this responsibility or not, you are a role model to every younger person you encounter.
It’s easy to put together a laundry list of things we want in another person: what they have to look like, things they have to do and things they have to like. But these lists are counterproductive. By getting to know and understand other people as individuals, outside of stereotypes and societal criteria, we are better able to understand ourselves. In better understanding ourselves and other people, we can enjoy more healthy and long-lasting relationships.
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–Photo: jg33/Flickr
I love this list. Really smart.
“…….what works for some wont work for all” -That’s exactly right and this article outlines great aspects that would help a couple support each other during those times of change. I think you took the list as a sort of “checklist” when it really isn’t. It’s the best relationship perspective I’ve come across and I love that #1 is “best friend”. Personally, I know there’s no other person than one of my best friends that I would stand by during times of change and growth.
Thank you John.
So, what Im seeing here are yet more absolutes, just ones own opinions of what a relationship should be…..but we will never be able to get the perfect blueprint of a perfect relationship because humans are unpredictable and needs, situations change with the wind…..if you really want something to work, you need to learn to adapt and go with the flow…because change is always constant…….what works for some wont work for all…….just a thought.
Katie,
Thank you very much for taking time out of your day to read my words. I dream of a day when my perspective is the majority perspective, for the benefit of both men and women.
Llyane,
If we’re not going to seek the ideal, why bother? Where we struggle is when we let the ideal become overly phystical, or when we say “our partner must meet all ninety-seven things on this checklist”.
John – @DenverZeppo on Twitter
If I’m being honest, I’ve stopped reading the Elite Daily posts here on GMP because they seem to be full of generalizations and absolutes (yes, at the same time). I’m obviously not their demographic and that’s ok but I come to GMP to read men’s thoughtful and insightful essays and get your perspectives, not jsupwrficial judgements on girls vs women. Thanks for this post.
…and this is the ideal mate from Heavens, John 🙂