Dr. Jed Diamond shares some surprising findings from the new science of love.
—
Though I come from a long line of angry and depressed men, I never thought it would happen to me. My father tried to take his own life when I was five years old. Growing up I vowed that I would do everything I could to learn about mental health so I wouldn’t end up like him. I went to medical school, graduate school in social work, and finally went on to get a PhD in International Health. But becoming a highly trained and sought-after therapist didn’t save me from irritability, anger, stress, or depression.
Like many health writers, I tried to deal with my own demons by writing books about them. You can follow my struggles by simply reading the titles:
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions
Surviving Male Menopause
The Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression
Male vs. Female Depression: Why Men Act Out and Women Act In
Stress Relief for Men: How to Use the Revolutionary Tools of Energy Healing to Live Well
Everything I learned in the years I researched and wrote was helpful. I also practiced what I wrote about. I sought and received excellent psychotherapy. I took medications to deal with my irritability and depression. I found out I was manic-depressive (Bipolar), like my father, and saw a behavior-oriented psychiatrist. I learned to meditate and found that walking, running, and Zumba classes helped relieve the chronic stress I was experiencing.
Though learning about these issues helped me, there was still something missing. My love life continued to have serious ups and downs, with way too many downs. When things were good between my wife and me, life was generally pretty positive. But when there was distance between us, nothing I did seemed to keep my emotions from going downhill. It took me a long time before I began to understand the connection between emotions like anger and depression, and loss of love.
Irritability, Anger, Stress, and Depression: What’s Love Got to Do With It?
When I was learning to treat my depression, it never occurred to me that my love life may be a contributing factor. The first clue that I was wrong came from a popular book. In The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression, Andrew Solomon says, “Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair.” Solomon goes on to share his own experiences with depression. “When it comes, it degrades one’s self and ultimately eclipses the capacity to give or receive affection. It is the aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others but also the ability to be peacefully alone with oneself.”
I realized, too, that I was ashamed to be so irritable, angry, and depressed. “I’m a psychotherapist. I should be able to figure this stuff out,” I kept telling myself. I got help from one of the world’s experts on depression and bipolar disease. In her biography, The Unquiet Mind: Memoir of Moods and Madness, Kay Redfield Jamison describes her own struggles with mental illness. I figured if she could struggle with these issues, heal, and write about them; maybe there was hope for me.
These words from her book resonated deeply from my own experiences in my marriage:
“You’re irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding, and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening, and ‘you’re not at all like yourself but will be soon,’ but you know you won’t.”
Looking back on the most difficult times in our marriage I realize I was chronically stressed trying to be a successful writer and therapist and make a decent living to support my family. I desperately needed the praise and support of my wife, but I didn’t know how to ask for it without coming across as whiny or angry. It seemed the more I needed love, the more irritated and angry I would become and the more my wife would pull away. Feeling the loss of connection, I’d become panicked and afraid and would try harder to get her to care and support me.
If you asked me what was going on, I would say the reason I would get so irritable and angry was because my wife wasn’t giving me the love I needed. I also felt guilty and ashamed for being so “needy.” If you asked my wife, she would say the reason she would withdraw was to protect herself from my hurtful anger. “When you get that beady-eyed look,” you would tell me, “you’re scary.” We were caught in a destructive downward spiral.
Attachment Needs and the New Science of Love
The latest research, from the new science of love, demonstrates that adults have the same needs for connection, nurturing, and support that children have. According to one of the leaders in the field, Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships:
“We have a wired-in need for emotional contact and responsiveness from significant others. It’s a survival response, the driving force of the bond of security a baby seeks with its mother. A great deal of evidence indicates that the need for secure attachment never disappears.”
Too many of us, particularly men, have grown up believing that the key to a healthy relationship was emotional independence. “Dependence” was a dirty word for me, something to be avoided at all costs. It was a revelation that being dependent on my wife, and she on me, was not only normal, it was necessary.
Research by Dr. Jaak Panksepp, author of Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions, demonstrates that our attachment needs are built into our brains and panic and paralysis occurs when our attachment needs are threatened. In research he has conducted over the last 35 years he demonstrates that there are at least 7 emotional systems that are present in all mammals:
- Seeking
- Anger
- Fear
- Panic-Grief
- Care
- Pleasure-Lust
- Play
Think of a puppy that has lost its mother. He whimpers, howls, and searches for her. If his mother still doesn’t return he becomes withdrawn and grief stricken. We know a similar thing occurs with small children. New research by Sue Johnson and John Gottman shows that adults also suffer when their attachment needs aren’t met. “The first and foremost instinct of humans is neither sex nor aggression,” says Johnson. “It is to connect. Our need to depend on one precious other—to know that when we ‘call,’ he or she will be there for us—never dissolves. In fact, it endures from the cradle to the grave.”
Once we learn that irritability, anger, chronic stress, and depression often arise when our attachment needs aren’t met, we can begin to heal our relationships, develop more secure bonds, and improve our health. “We need emotional connection not only to survive, but to thrive,” says Johnson. “We are actually healthier and happier when we are close and connected. Consistent emotional support lowers blood pressure and bolsters the immune system. It appears to reduce the death rate from cancer and the incidence of heart and infectious disease.”
I found that the key for healing my anger and depression was accepting my needs for attachment, getting help from a good therapist, and learning to reconnect with my wife. When we’re irritable and angry, we push people away, usually the very people we so desperately need and love. Love is the answer, but it isn’t easy finding it and keeping it alive and well.
Like The Good Men Project on Facebook
–Photo: picturepurrfect685/Flickr
IIt;s amazing to me that many men don;t seem to get it. They’re depressed and stressed and they want to blame it on women. They fear being made into an appliance for income, nothing more. Well I think that they’re missing the point of the article which I see as look within yourself if you are having these symptoms. Many women feel the lack of support as well you may be appliances for income but you make us into your appliance for everything else (maid, personal shopper, cook, housekeeper, baby maker and care giver, oh and the sexy woman in… Read more »
@Adam, Sorry, that you feel the need to attack a female for expressing her opinion. It is evident that you are the one with the tantrum You need to learn how to comment on the person’s statements and not be rude with name calling. You might want to read the entire article, before you accuse someone else of not reading. See the comments below: Comment 1 “Looking back on the most difficult times in our marriage I realize I was chronically stressed trying to be a successful writer and therapist and make a decent living to support my family. I… Read more »
You come across like one of the many women that feel women should never be criticized and there are rules man should follow when talking about women, that women are under no obligation to follow when talking about men.
Testing
Another reason is that more and more of us are waking up to the fact that we are no more than appliances whose only purpose is to provide and/or die. If we complain, we are told to “man up” and just accept it.
DMW,
That was a much needed comment, that men and women need to read. I so agree with this. Thanks for your open honest words.
Hi Jed
Thanks for a well written article about the most important issue !
Great article. Thank you!!! It’s nice to know that there are men who realize the importance of emotional attachment and are secure to be open about it.
I strongly believe most of my relationships went downhill because men were afraid to open up, and a woman’s patience can only last so long before she feels completely drained of all desire to be attractive, loving and sexual. The fact that you are teaching men who to open up and be emotional is great.
“I was chronically stressed trying to make a decent living for my family…” We could see that struggle in a close friend…and we were patient and tried to be supportive and helpful in many ways….ultimately, the anger, rage, and violence emanating from our former friend made us step back for our safety….it is frightening and frustrating to see that up close…We were even more amazed at the thick wall of lies, deceit, and denial that went on to hide the depression and brutality….and yet we saw it all with our own eyes….Sometimes we cannot help our friends…and it is weird… Read more »
The depths of the male psyche are yet to be explored adequately. My thoughts are that men are terrified by strong emotions. They seem to assess falling in love as being on a par with vulnerability and weakness. They act as though they believe that with love they lose their power to some other being that has much sway over their life and temperament. They feel frayed. They seem to bring on situations designed to distance themselves from their loved one in the hop of chipping away at that love that is drawing them out of themselves, out of their… Read more »
” ..men are terrified by strong emotions , they seem to assess falling in love as being on par with vulnerability and weakness , they act as though believe that with love they lose their power to some other being that has as much sway over their life and temperament, they feel fried “, !!! All the points you mentioned are real and there are a whole lot more where that came from , it is very detrimental to men , need a proof , although its the tip of the iceberg but just take a look to what happens… Read more »
Friends, thanks for your comments, suggestions, and ideas. Someone said to me a long time ago that “life is a dance we all do separately, together.” As I’ve been reading Panksepp’s research in his in-depth analysis of emotions in The Archaeology of the Mind: Neuroevolutionary Origins of Human Emotions, I’m struck at how powerful his 7 basic emotional systems are in helping us understand things like irritability, anger, and depression. People like Sue Johnson and John Gottman have helped me see the importance of our attachment needs and ways that we can get met more effectively.
Very nicely done and informative. Great perspective and making clear some things that get lost in the war of relationships. Thanks for your vulnerability. I’m a woman who appreciated this.
Hi and thank you for a well-written piece.
But, to be honest, I’m a little bit confused as what to do with it?
Most of the arrticle presents the case that we as humans have a hard-wired need for emotional contact, attachment and response, especially from significant others.
Yet, the article ends with a twist that we are left on our own to figure it out for ourself. What about that?
So…men are irritable, angry, stressed and depressed because they don’t acknowledge their needs for attachment. That’s your basic thesis, right?
Based on that thesis, we should expect women to be the picture of mental health, because as a group, they’re really good at acknowledging their needs for attachment. But anyone who knows the data knows that women pretty miserable, consuming lots of mental health services and meds.
Einstein famously said, “”Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler”. There’s a thought for you to ponder.
Avtually I read the premise as being men are itritable, angry and depressed because they feel disconnected from the important people lives. Just because women are generally assumed to be more aware of the need for connection doesn’t mean their attachment needs are being met, or that any individual woman knows what they are our How to receive them. Women are also taught to be independent and not “needy” . Besides even if you have all that awareness, it is very difficult to get the connection you need from others who deny that meeting an attachment need is necessary or… Read more »
kina: not to mention even if true, this premise is hardly the only thing contributing to mental stress and difficulty.Implying that if all attachment needs are met in adults we should expect “the picture of mentalhealth” Would be a little naive. >>> Not a little…a lot. That was the point of the Einstein quote I tossed in. There are eight million stories in the naked city – and 8 million reasons for people to me emotionally miserable. Some of them are (apparently) biologically based (nature). Some are based in faulty thinking (nurture). Many are due to the interactions between nature… Read more »
Hmm reading the comments sounds like a competitive mens group. I am a therapist and write a bit so identify with Jed especially as I do a significant bi polar cycle. So read with interest. I noted just this week, was down and anxious in writing an important essay and sending it out. My mood went up immediately when I got a positive complimentary response from 3 people I respected. So I do buy into the love connection. Not as a religious truth but as a useful way of adding framing to what is happening with the up and down… Read more »
I find it refreshing to have someone with the training, experience and publishing history that Dr. Diamond has come clean on his own problems. The connections he makes with the work of Andrew Solomon, K. R. Jamison, et al are informative (to me) and, frankly, I don’t see any over-the-top self promotion here. Good stuff that’s worth reading IMO.
Mostly a well thought out and well written article. My only objection was your inference that your wife didn’t understand the reasoning for your anger and withdrew (for protection). It is, in my humble opinion, not your wife’s job to work out your needs or love language. You need to discover for yourself what your needs are and communicate that to your significant other. Blaming her for not understanding your needs is l think particularly unfair, and sounds much like a child having a tantrum or transferring blame. May l be so bold as to suggest you might like to… Read more »
“My only objection was your inference that your wife didn’t understand the reasoning for your anger and withdrew (for protection). It is, in my humble opinion, not your wife’s job to work out your needs or love language.”
On day, I would like to meet a woman that didn’t think it was my job to figure here out.
I don’t know you, so this is totally a shot in the dark, totally presumptuous of me, but one possibility is that you have met women like that but you haven’t been attracted to them?
Why the anger at women?
I read the same article as you yet saw no blame towards his wife. The tantrum appears to be yours.
Nothing remotely new in there mate, not even the over-the-top self-promotion. Perhaps some of your issues come from investing too highly in the externals?