Dr. Jed Diamond believes that men can and should become leaders in maintaining long-lasting relationships, and he’s got the science to back him up.
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As a psychotherapist I have been helping people find, keep, and develop healthy loving relationships for more than 40 years now. Carlin and I have been married (third marriage for each of us) for 34 years. I had hoped being a therapist would protect our relationship from the problems so many of my clients face, but it didn’t. We’ve had to deal with irritability and anger, male menopause, depression, bipolar disorder, boredom, and beady-eyed fights.
“Falling in love and being loved in return is the peak experience of human existence…”
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Like most couples, Carlin and I were joyfully and passionately “in love,” but it didn’t last. Over the years, the little irritations of life began to grind away at us. We missed what we once had, but didn’t know how to recapture it. Maybe staying in love was an illusion, we thought. Perhaps George Bernard Shaw was right when observed in 1908, “When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.”
If we look at the statistics, the odds of “living happily ever after” are against us. Around 50% of first marriages end in divorce and second and third marriages fare even worse. But we learned that science offers a new perspective on love and how it can last. “Falling in love and being loved in return is the peak experience of human existence,” says Dr. Fran Cohen, author of The New Science of Love: How Understanding Your Brain’s Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship. “When love fades, we can quite literally use our brains to bring it back.”
Two experts who have helped us reclaim our loving relationship are John Gottman, who recently wrote another helpful book, What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal and Sue Johnson, author of Love Sense: A Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships. If you’re serious about learning to love, you couldn’t find better guides than these.
We’ve long believed that how women feel determines the state of the marriage–“Happy wife, happy life.” But new research from the University of Chicago indicates that men may hold the key to the emotional state of the relationship. The study, “Marital Conflict in Older Couples: Positivity, Personality, and Health,”reports results from a national survey with data analyzed from 953 heterosexual couples who were married or cohabitating. The study participants ranged in age from 63 to 90 years old and the average length of their relationships was 39 years.
“Wives report more conflict if their husband is in poor health,” said the study’s lead author, James Iveniuk, PhD candidate in the Department of Sociology. “If the wife is in poor health, there doesn’t seem to be any difference in terms of the quality of the marriage for the husband.” Another key difference was in a measure the researchers call positive expressivity which includes things like being gentle, helpful, kind, and understanding. “Wives whose husbands show higher levels of positivity reported less conflict. However, the wives’ positivity had no association with their husbands’ reports of conflict,” Iveniuk said.
Why Men’s Moods Matter
“Men are very often more sensitive than women, despite stereotypes you’ve heard,” says relationship expert April Masini. “It’s a lot easier for men to become depressed or unhappy than women in the same circumstances. Men are sensitive, and when they’re unhappy, the marriage dynamic flags.”
Masini’s experience is validated by the work of long-time relationship expert Dr. John Gottman. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, Gottman discovered some surprising things about men’s emotions and how they impact relationships. Gottman traces men’s greater reactivity to stress in the relationship to our evolutionary past. “Males whose adrenaline kicked in quite readily who did not calm down so easily were more likely to survive and procreate.”
“Men can have a huge impact on the state of their relationship and the key is to deal with the stresses that can overwhelm…
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Gottman goes on to say, “to this day, the male cardiovascular system remains more reactive than the female and slower to recover from stress.” For example, if a man and woman suddenly hear a very loud, brief sound, like a blowout, most likely his heart will beat faster than hers and stay accelerated longer. The same goes for their blood pressure. This helps account for the fact, Gottman believes, that men tend to withdraw and avoid conflict in a relationship. “It’s a biological fact,” says Gottman. “Men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives.”
Women often complain that men don’t want to talk about difficult issues, that they withdraw when she wants to express herself. This may be true, but not because men aren’t interested in listening or in resolving conflict. It may be because he is more easily overwhelmed by conflict and be becomes “flooded.” Dr. Gottman says, “Frequently feeling flooded leads almost inevitably to distancing yourself from your spouse. That in turn leads you to feel lonely.”
This was certainly the case with Carlin and me. Once we learned to reduce the stress we felt, we could share more openly without criticism or blame.
Men often believe that they can do little to improve their relationship, that relationships are “women’s work.” But it turns out that men can have a huge impact on the state of their relationship and the key is to deal with the stresses that can overwhelm and “flood” them. In my book Stress Relief for Men: How to Use the Revolutionary Tools of Energy Healing to Live Well,I teach men, and the women who love them, how to use four energy healing tools to get their relationship back on track. I’ve used them myself to reclaim the easy love that I thought my wife and I had lost. I’ve taught them to many of my clients.
Men may hold the key to creating a happy marriage and once they learn that they not only have the power to make things better, but the skills to do so effectively, they are ready to act. Men no longer have to feel they are powerless in relationship. In fact, they may find that they can lead the way in making their relationships wonderful.
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–Photo: Guillermo Salinas/Flickr
Men really have to stop the whole “Happy Wife, Happy Life” routine and start focusing on what makes themselves happy. The fact that there’s no gender equivalent term in society is evidence that shows mens happiness ranks lower than women’s happiness in relationships and that’s not healthy. Men who keep pushing their needs and wants down will just explode with time. The problem is the misconception that men don’t require a lot to be happy because men don’t express their unhappiness as much as women do. I wrote an article about why men should start considering why “Happy Wife, Happy… Read more »
Jed, if your believe that the man is the leader in maintaining a long-lasting relationship, does that make the woman a follower? It is demeaning for the woman to be the follower, the submissive one. A marriage is not going to succeed unless the husband respects his spouse as a leader.
No one can lead in all areas of marriage, current cultural norms are that marriage is about her wants and needs being met…..very little about his. Men need to lead in finding a balance, instead of hanging back and letting her run the show. Women are no better than men about taking advantage of a situation, without any pushback there is no hope of a stable equitable equilibrium. Instead you get relationships that run their course…end…rinse and repeat… with the next person……never growing enough to learn how to avoid overstepping a partner’s personal boundaries
I don’t believe that men or women are the natural leaders in a marriage. I’ve been married for 34 years (this is the third marriage for both of us). There are times she takes the leadership role and times I do. Over the years we’ve learned there are times to be a good follower and times to be a good leader.
The way I read the article, the point it tries to bring is that at times when the relationship needs a leader, you can’t or shouldn’t always expect your partner to step up to the task.
And this goes regardless of area and cultural norm.
Jed, I have a problem with you talking about men being the leaders of marriage success. It sounds like you want the husband to be the boss. Patriarchy is completely unacceptable, even if stated in a 21st century way. When you say that men should become leaders in maintaining long-lasting relationships, I think of fundamentalists who believe that the husband should be the head of the household.
Jed, I loved hearing you refer to men as potential “leaders” of relationship success, and I hope your wise words in this article are inspiration for men to take up the “work” of relationship health and maintenance, and inspire compassion in both sexes for the emotional differences. There is one resource I hope to add to your collection of must-have’s for learning to love (when it comes out). It’s a new model of relationship I am in the process of writing about and developing with my clients, that uses basic leadership and business skills to structure relationships that work. Learning… Read more »
Blair, thanks for the comments. Your ideas sound interesting. Do stay in touch.
Hi Blair
This is a great idea:
scheduled maintenance about what works.
Good article- I need to read that Gottman book. Thank you
Thanks for the article, Jed. I need to grab your book and check out your 4 healing energies. When I work with men who are feeling the stress of the harping, nagging, negative wife, we talk a lot about his “power”. The first step is totally letting go of HER expectations until you can become clear on what your OWN expectations are. Then you begin living by your own expectations in your thoughts, words, and actions. You do this until you KNOW you are giving 100% to yourself AND to the relationship without taking responsibility for her happiness. Consistency is… Read more »
That is one of the best perspectives I’ve come across on relationship, connection, and optimizing emotional well-being. A friend of mine, who is part of a men’s group (Mankind Project in British Columbia), may appreciate the insight you have to offer. Perhaps could share it with some of the online members on their FB page.
I’ve been through the Mankind project weekends and have lots of connections with the men in the Northwest (as well as around the world). Bill Kauth and I are old friends. Glad you felt this was of interest. Stay in touch.
Trey, Obviously BPD puts things in a different category. I commend you for keeping it together for so many years. Early in our marriage my wife struggled with depression and self esteem issues as well as major medical issues on her part, all of which we managed to work through. The important part is that you’re working through the issues and I truly commend you for that. Trey,I think you have an important story that I’m glad you’re sharing. There is no question that many husbands carry the emotional load but are seldom recognized in doing so. Stress is stress… Read more »
There is a cultural blind spot, passed from victorian era culture to ours. Women are considered purer and more moral than men are on average. But I’ll admit the other side of it is if a woman is seen impure or immoral there is no little bit. That black /or/ white thinking screws up the basis of our shared culture. Both men and women lose, women in general will fight tooth and claw to keep their their public reputation unsullied, unable to admit their foibles. Men are left with a cultural default of being assumed to be immoral/impure unless you… Read more »
I have to largely agree with you Trey. Although I have always been a supporter of equal rights. I do feel a cultural bias that assumes men are generally bad or “less good” than women. I have a deep concern for the impact this has on our children, who are often raised by their mother’s, especially in cases of divorce. The reality is half the population of the planet is not inferior. The perception that women are better at relationships or child rearing is completely false and deeply discounts what men bring to the table. Men are just as capable,… Read more »
Thank you for saying this.
I agree, people are equal. Medieval Europe assumed women were inferior (and might not even have souls/be worthy of salvation). Victorian Europe assumed women were purer and closer to angels than to men. I think both of these are wrong!
And hear hear, men are capable of anything, including child-rearing! 🙂
Let’s not confuse being “equal” to being the “same.”
Yes, important point: “equal” is not “the same”.
Tom, that may be true for yourself. Some of us simply were not gifted with emotionally self-aware spouses. I’ve carried the emotional load for 33 yrs in our relationship…….it has gotten to be wearing. I’m the low key INTJ personality……She’s been told that she’s somewhere in the high functioning BPD spectrum, that was greatly exacerbated by a midlife crisis 10 yrs ago peaking at about 6 yrs ago……The cleanup is arduous, BPD makes it worse. Stress has had me …….. But, I’ve seen that many of my cohort also are affected by stressful, stressed, stress-transferring wives……how that along with the… Read more »
One thing that always ‘boils my billy’ is the notion of women being more emotionally mature/intelligent/evolved than men. How. Whats the standard. who made this standard and what was there reasoning. It is well know that men won’t talk about their emotions at times. Its also well known that there are times that women think there emotions are more important than reality. To me there isn’t better/worse just different. The women are better/stronger emotionally is gynocentric patting on the backs of women. Same as when someone comments – women are smarter – then everyone claps and cheers. Not because its… Read more »
Sorry to say that you lost me with “In my book Stress Relief for Men: How to Use the Revolutionary Tools of Energy Healing to Live Well,” It felt like an infomercial. Trey, I have had 6 heart attacks and in my life it wasn’t the wife, it was the stresses of life, many which I placed upon myself. In my “no book of 39 years of marriage”, it takes love, understanding and always putting the other person first. She puts me first and I put her first and we both get what we need. Last chapter of my no… Read more »
I’ve often wondered about the correlation of cardiac issues and nagging/stress giving wives, how that impinges on males life expectancy……..if it does, will in the future those behaviors be considered physical domestic abuse? There seems to be currently a cultural blind spot about how commonly women act out negative behaviors upon men and boys.
So because men can’t handle stress as well as women, you’re categorizing nagging as actual abuse? As someone with an anxiety disorder, I do understand having a higher stress response than others, but I also understand that reactions are largely in our own control. Other people are not responsible for our moods or emotions. Yes, controlling your own emotions takes practice, but it is your own responsibility.
Yes. Simply yes, If the nagging is a choice that causes long term physical damage to a partner it is abusive. The nagger can choose not to act out the abuse.
Well we know we can’t expect men to be accountable for their health.. so naturally its a women’s fault for men’s poor stress management skills and sensitivity… It’s not the deadlines, the bonuses, the layoffs, the wars faught, the fights in school, the constant competition among men…Nope, none of those are giving men stress that affects their heart… it’s their wife sighing over having to pick up his dirty socks for the umpteenth time.. it just kills his heart to hear her “nag” over his inability to find the hamper….. but give him a gun and send him out to… Read more »
The study was quite clear, it was the effect of nagging wives and it is abuse. Thanks for the womensplaining / minimizing.
God. I so hope guys like these are joking… nagging is abuse, aha!
You should check out feminists definition of domestic abuse. It includes pressure for too much sex and withholding sex, being overbearing and ignoring. And that is very short. Under current Australian DV laws there isn’t a single couple in australia who wouldn’t be able to file a DVO. The definition of abuse has been broadened so much my feminists to include normal everyday interactions between humans. @Lynn you list some very valid points. However with the stress that a man may face during his day to day the last thing he wants is to come home to a nagging wife… Read more »
A bodybuilder can easily lift 25 kg in one go. Women can’t. According to your message, women who are forced to lift 25kg in one go are not abused because hey, a bodybuilder can lift it. It’s stupid to the moon and back!