Edie Weinstein wonders what a world would look like that spoke to and played
with children and not ‘boys’ and ‘girls’.
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Yesterday while at Meineke waiting for my car to be serviced, I had the joy of hanging out with blue-eyed twin toddler towheads; one boy, one girl. 18 months old, they roamed the waiting room, picking up toys and examining them orally since most kids that age explore the world with their mouths as well as their hands and eyes. They then brought over the slobbered on multicolored LEGOs®, dinosaurs and a fierce looking female action figure so that we could play with them together. Seemingly tireless, they were likely as entertained by me as I was by them. Their young mother kept trying to distract them, but I assured her that they weren’t bothering me. Even though the girl was visibly more petite than her more solidly built brother, both were strong enough to haul themselves up on the chair next me, while toting the toys in one hand.
Girls are generally encouraged to be reserved and ‘ladylike’ while boys are permitted to be ‘rambunctious.’
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One of the things that most impressed me was that their mom spoke with them each in the same manner; not reserving the sweet voice for her daughter and more firm voice for her son, as I have heard other parents do when female and male children were with them. She wasn’t overprotective with either of them and she modeled respect for boundaries, not letting them go behind the counter, touch breakables or waltz out the door. She called them both ‘honey’ or by their names, Thatcher and Mackenzie (both kind of gender neutral).
Remember the last time you were in the presence of children that age. How did you speak to them? What words did you use to describe a girl child? Unless you are mindful of it, you may have said “Oh, aren’t you beautiful (or pretty, or sweet, or cute)?” How about a boy child? “What a handsome (or strong or sturdy) little guy you are.” Those are culturally reinforced to such an extent that the words may be out of your mouth before you might even consider the impact. Girls are usually called ‘honey’ and boys referred to as ‘buddy.’ Girls are generally encouraged to be reserved and ‘ladylike’ while boys are permitted to be ‘rambunctious.’ What happens when those lines are crossed?
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When I am strolling down a supermarket aisle and spot a kiddo riding in the seat of the cart, I will usually remark on how cool it is that they get to shopping with mommy or daddy. I might ask if they are picking out good stuff. I comment on how smart they are or how they have such a wonderful smile. They usually offer a gummy grin and the parent sometimes thanks me or engages in conversation.
I wish more parents were as supportive of their child’s out of the box thinking, rather than attempting to have them fit a particular mold.
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Last summer, I had an encouraging experience that let me know that parents of older children can be understanding of the breaking of gender stereotypes. I was on the way home from my job as an addictions counselor and was listening to Kids Corner on WXPN which is a radio station broadcast from the University of Pennsylvania. They were playing Weird Al Yankovich parodying one of the more recent films in the Star Wars franchise. The song was called The Saga Begins and it sets the stage for young Anakin Skywalker to morph into Darth Vader. I was boisterously singing along and shortly afterward pulled into the parking lot of a local supermarket to pick up a few things. As I was walking in, from the other door dances in a boy of around 8 or 9, accompanied by his smiling mother. He was garbed in, of all things, a Yoda t-shirt, with the words Jedi Master emblazoned on it, and wearing a headpiece of what at first looked like ram’s horns. When I asked, his mom informed me that they were Princess Leia’s hair rolls (remember them?). Shorts and flip flops and a plastic rain poncho completed the outfit. Amazed but not surprised, I told them about the song that I had heard moments earlier. I complimented him on his fashion taste.
What gave me such a chuckle, besides the rapidity at which I had manifested a Star Wars connection; the Force is indeed a powerful energy, was how accepting his mother was of her son’s get-up. She thanked me for being willing to engage with him in our shared interest. I wish more parents were as supportive of their child’s out of the box thinking, rather than attempting to have them fit a particular mold. Perhaps as a result, this young man will become a Padawan (Jedi knight initiate in the first stages of training/apprenticeship) and be right up there with my favorite little green sage whose image and likeness decorated his t-shirt.
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Back in my college days, I was introduced to the story called Baby X written by Lois Gold. It is a tale about a fictional experiment in raising a gender neutral child and the societal challenges the family faces. Unlike other parents, they do have an instructional manual that offers guidance for ways to handle the inevitable backlash. They are met with everything from curiosity to downright hostility, because those outside the family question the little one’s ‘plumbing’ and the concomitant expectations. This is a youngster who plays with dolls and trucks, loves tea parties and tree climbing, and wears red checkered overalls. When other children put aside their pre-conceived notions of what it means to be a boy or girl and begin to emulate X, you can imagine that their traditional parents aren’t too pleased. A tribunal of sorts is called and X is given a battery of tests to determine ‘what’s wrong with it’. As you read the actual story, I imagine you will enjoy the ending.
When my 26 year old son was young, he had a Fisher Price kitchen set and now has aspirations toward going to culinary school. In the meantime, he is a self-taught chef. He had all sorts of toys as a child, including art supplies, dolls and stuffed animals. He has a creative streak a mile long. I don’t ever remember us calling him typical ‘boy names’ like ‘buddy’ or ‘dude’. He is nurturing with the little ones in his life as a result, refraining from that terminology as well.
A few days ago, I saw a Facebook posting about a little boy who wanted to go to a party dressed in a traditional girl costume and the parents allowed it. What followed was an eye opener for the adults in attendance. The story is called When A Little Kid Gives Adults A Lesson in Humanity It also gives me a sense of hope for the future of our children as they embrace differences and celebrate our commonalities.
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One of my favorite story-songs was written by Fred Small (a Unity minister based in Massachusetts) called Everything Possible and it offers permission for our children to be whole human beings.
“You can be anybody you want to be.
You can love whoever you will.
You can travel any country where your heart leads.
And know I will love you still.
You can live by yourself.
You can gather friends around.
You can choose one special one.
And the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you’re gone.”
Photo credit: everystock/resident_a